A Meeting of the Marvel Minds (Satire)

Posted by FadeToBlackBolt (23334 posts) - - Show Bio
Meeting of Marvel Creative Staff
 
Quesada: Greetings, gentlemen. It is good to see you are all well, I trust you have sufficiently nourished yourselves with the souls of the young? Yes? Good. Before we begin this meeting, let us pray to the great Aleister Crowley. 
 
Group prays. 
 
Quesada: Good, thank you. Now, first piece of business; Brian, what're your plans for Moon Knight?
 
Bendis: Ok, it's gonna be awesome, right? I mean, really epic. You know how Moon Knight is mentally unstable? 
 
(Group nods. Dan Abnett and Andy Lanning look at eachother quizzically.The two pull out their brand new "Guide to Marvel Continuity" books and flick through to the page on Moon Knight. Notice the pages concerning Black Bolt and the Inhumans, Havok's power levels, and Vulcan have been torn out.)  
 
Bendis: Anyway, since MK is a little unhinged, I thought that what I'd do was exploit that to a ridiculous degree. Like, rather than treat the issue with reverence, I thought I'd turn into a massive joke! MK will think he's Spidey, Wolverine and Captain America from time to time! How hilarious is that!? 
 
Ed Brubaker raises his hand to question the idea before he is quickly punched in the trachea by a prone Quesada. 
 
Quesada: Sounds great, Brian. I'm sure that will annoy countless fans everywhere, and as you know, I masturbate to their anguish. Here's another raise. Carey, what've you got planned for Legacy? 
 
Carey: Well, I went over Jeph's True Blood fanfiction like you told me to, and I'm going to work in the old guy doing Anna Paquin angle. So yeh, should be interesting. 
 
Dan Slott vomits in the corner. 
 
Quesada: Olivier, use some of your art to clean that up. Can't be any worse than subjecting it to Siege. Am I right, fellas? 
 
(All laugh.)
 
Quesada: Speaking of art, you cool to pencil a few more images of Uncanny, Greg? 
 
(Greg Land sits at the end of the table on his computer) 
 
Land: Shush, guys, I'm doing research. Jenna Jameson is almost done.  
 
Quesada: Right, right, sorry about that. Matt, how's Iron Man coming along? 
 
Fraction: Yeah, really well. I know where I'm going with the story and I have a great handle on the characters. Once I've finished this issue, I'll start into my routine for X-Men. Ala, I'm going to go to do some cocaine off a stripper's back and then get to writing some Uncanny. By the way, does anyone know of anything new happening in Israel? I'm running out of material for the Utopia storyline. 
 
Quesada: Sounds great, man. I have no idea how any of that makes sense, but it sounds mediocre, and if we're not striving for mediocrity, then what's the point of coming to work in the morning? Jeph, what're your thoughts for the next big Ultimate event?
 
Loeb: How about we kill everyone in more and more insulting ways, effectively destroying the line? 
 
Quesada: Didn't we already do that? 
 
Loeb: Yeah, but we're Marvel, man, doing the same thing over and over is our thing!
 
Quesada: Fair point. Put a pin in it. Greg, what's the status on Hulk? 
 
Pak: The Incredible Hulk War of Independence is coming up, should be good. Jeph and I are following it up with Civil War Hulk, Cold War Hulk and then Gulf War Hulk. Cold War Hulk is a true stand out, we're introducing the Russian White Hulk, who is exactly the same as every other Hulk, only this one is different.  
 
(Pak High fives Loeb)
 
Quesada: Alright, back to you, Brian, what's cooking for the Avengers? 
 
Bendis: Well, I'm going to make sure that Luke Cage, Jessica Drew, a poorly written Spidey and Wolverine get obscene amounts of screen time in New Avengers. I might kill a lesser known character as well in an upcoming issue, haven't decided yet. So don't bother putting any work into any characters, ok, Rick? I might just assassinate them casually. 
 
(Bendis winks at a facepalming Remender) 
 
Bendis: In Avengers, I'm going to try something really new; I'm going to have a hero become mentally unstable, and then strike out against my favourite characters who have to put them down. It's gonna be like Wanda and the Sentry, but this time, I've chosen to ruin someone else entirely; the Silver Surfer. 
 
Quesada: You're going to make Norrin a villain? 
 
Bendis: Yeah, and it's gonna be awesome. After a bunch of tie-ins, mini-series and character-derailing one-shots, Norrin is going to kill some Marvel Heroes only to have Logan stab him in the back of the head and kill him. It's gonna be so damn cool.
 
Quesada: You want Wolverine to kill the Silver Surfer? The Power Cosmic endowed Silver Surfer? 
 
Bendis: Yeah. Why? Can't he do that? 
 
(Entire room, except Joe Q, shakes their heads)
 
Bendis: But like, a helicarrier was able to kill the Sentry, surely Adamantium would kill the Surfer, right? 
 
(Entire room keeps shaking their heads)

 
Bendis: Oh, but I thought that I had a firm grasp on characters and their power levels. 
 
(Entire room keeps shaking their heads) 
 
Bendis: So you mean I suck? 
 
(Entire room nods)
 
Bendis: Oh well, Joe loves me! So screw you guys! 
 
(Bendis and Quesada shake hands and begin urinating on Amazing Fantasy #15) 
 
Quesada: Sounds fantastic, Brian. I love it.
 
(Slott raises his hand)
 
Slott: Can I go back to writing Hank Pym? 
 
Quesada: Dan, your work on Pym was some of the most inspired story-telling our company has ever seen, you took a joke character that was universally maligned and turned him into one of the Universe's greatest heroes... 
 
(Quesada shoots Slott in the knee)
 
Quesada: OF COURSE YOU CAN'T WORK ON HIM AGAIN, YOU MADE THE REST OF US LOOK BAD. 
 
Quesada: Meeting adjourned. Now where's that sweet little red headed girl I keep on a leash? I feel like punching something. 
#1 Posted by InnerVenom123 (29500 posts) - - Show Bio

OMFG
 
I CANT STOP LAUGHING DUDE LMFAO XDDDDD

#2 Posted by FadeToBlackBolt (23334 posts) - - Show Bio
@InnerVenom123: I'm glad you liked it :)
#3 Posted by rogue_mar1e (19833 posts) - - Show Bio

LMFAO !  
LOVED IT HAHAHAH !!

#4 Posted by InnerVenom123 (29500 posts) - - Show Bio
@FadeToBlackBolt: DUDE SERIOUSLY
 
THIS IS F**KING GOLD XDDDD
#5 Posted by entropy_aegis (15316 posts) - - Show Bio

Sums up quesada nicely
#6 Posted by COINRETURNSLOT (1052 posts) - - Show Bio
This = Awesome
#7 Posted by TheGoldenOne (38849 posts) - - Show Bio
@COINRETURNSLOT said:
" This = Awesome
"
#8 Posted by tonis (6202 posts) - - Show Bio
@FadeToBlackBolt: yea, I gotta concur, I can't stop reeling from the humor that appears to be what is :) 
most DEFINITELY carry on!
#9 Posted by FadeToBlackBolt (23334 posts) - - Show Bio
@tonis: Thank you ^_^
#10 Posted by PrinceIMC (5422 posts) - - Show Bio

"Pak: The Incredible Hulk War of Independence is coming up, should be good. Jeph and I are following it up with Civil War Hulk, Cold War Hulk and then Gulf War Hulk. Cold War Hulk is a true stand out, we're introducing the Russian White Hulk, who is exactly the same as every other Hulk, only this one is different."
    
 
I think that's my favorite.
#11 Posted by Spiders_Man (52 posts) - - Show Bio

I do love me some satire. This is bl**dy hilarious!

#12 Posted by HellionVulcan (3768 posts) - - Show Bio
@PrinceIMC said:
" "Pak: The Incredible Hulk War of Independence is coming up, should be good. Jeph and I are following it up with Civil War Hulk, Cold War Hulk and then Gulf War Hulk. Cold War Hulk is a true stand out, we're introducing the Russian White Hulk, who is exactly the same as every other Hulk, only this one is different."     I think that's my favorite. "
I agree had me laughing hard but nicely done also .
#13 Posted by FadeToBlackBolt (23334 posts) - - Show Bio

Thank you to everyone who's read and posted, I'm glad you all enjoyed it! ^_^

#14 Posted by Lance Uppercut (23245 posts) - - Show Bio

Pak: The Incredible Hulk War of Independence is coming up, should be good. Jeph and I are following it up with Civil War Hulk, Cold War Hulk and then Gulf War Hulk. Cold War Hulk is a true stand out, we're introducing the Russian White Hulk, who is exactly the same as every other Hulk, only this one is different.     


 
LOL @ Gulf War Hulk 
#15 Posted by ~The Wanderer~ (34406 posts) - - Show Bio

ROTFLMFAO!! 
Sheer brilliance!

#16 Posted by thegreatfour (12967 posts) - - Show Bio

LMAO nice. Marvel magnificently summarized ;P

#17 Posted by The Umbra Sorcerer (8141 posts) - - Show Bio

Epic!!! absolutely EPIC!!!

#18 Posted by Jake Fury (18616 posts) - - Show Bio

Hahahahaha sheer brilliance!
#19 Posted by entropy_aegis (15316 posts) - - Show Bio

You should do one for DC too.
#20 Posted by soundbite (463 posts) - - Show Bio

good job, like everyone else it had me rolling.
#21 Posted by FadeToBlackBolt (23334 posts) - - Show Bio
@entropy_aegis: I'll give it a go, though I'm not sure I can be as critical of as many DC staff.
#22 Posted by InnerVenom123 (29500 posts) - - Show Bio
@FadeToBlackBolt said:
" @entropy_aegis: I'll give it a go, though I'm not sure I can be as critical of as many DC staff. "
You should do one for Image then. :p
#23 Posted by FadeToBlackBolt (23334 posts) - - Show Bio
@InnerVenom123 said:
" @FadeToBlackBolt said:
" @entropy_aegis: I'll give it a go, though I'm not sure I can be as critical of as many DC staff. "
You should do one for Image then. :p "
I honestly don't know enough about their creative aspects. I'm going to try DC, but don't get me wrong, I wont go easy on them we're they've been idiotic (Blackest Night, Geoffcons, Grounded, etc..)
#24 Posted by FadeToBlackBolt (23334 posts) - - Show Bio

DC Meeting is up in the DC Comics vine forum.

#25 Posted by Mercy_ (92695 posts) - - Show Bio

You're fantastic

Moderator
#26 Posted by SC (13106 posts) - - Show Bio

lol this is awesome man.  Hileffinlirious
 
I use to love writing X-Editorial fan fictions at another site, so many situations, writers, moments ripe for satire and parody, Land is literally like the gift that keeps giving!! 

Moderator
#27 Posted by Nighthunter (28582 posts) - - Show Bio

Love everything here, mostly the Hank Pym part

#28 Posted by TypingKira (3509 posts) - - Show Bio

Hilarious! Keep being awesome!

#29 Posted by lykopis (10746 posts) - - Show Bio

It's blogs like this that make me wish there was a Hall of Fame on Comic Vine. Every single line -- the delivery -- the subjects --- I cannot stop laughing and part of it is from pain and misery because so much hit the true mark....LMAO....just too beautiful...my ribs are going to snap!

Poor Slott...maybe this explains what is happening over at Superior Spiderman...?

**ducks from rotting vegetables flung at her from SpOck's fanboys/girls**

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