ComicVine Divorce Court: Superman vs. Lois Lane

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Posted by inferiorego (24406 posts) - - Show Bio

Please, everyone be seated as we discuss the divorce case of Lois Lane and Superman. Councilman InferiorEgo, please present your evidence...

Thank you imaginary judge of ComicVine Court... Marriage is a sacred bond between two people very much in love. I know this, you know this, but one person who doesn’t seem to notice this is sitting in this courtroom right… this… SECOND! My client Clark Kent also known as Kal-El, also known as Superman has been married to Lois Lane for years. Wait… did I just give away my client’s secret? I’m getting paid either way… Who cares? Over the years, publicly, their relationship seemed loving, caring, and monogamous. ON THE SURFACE! Yes, I dare question their relationship, mainly because we're in a divorce court! I call out to you, the jury, which I have handpicked from the stones of Mt Olympus myself to view my really awesome evidence as to why Lois Lane should get nothing in this divorce case, and why Superman should get everything, including the goldfish Mr. Squiggles.

Point Number 1

ADULTERY!

It’s actually my only point, but I have so much evidence that I, Mat “InferiorEgo” Elfring feel as though you will be shocked out of your seats and/or socks at all the crimes of marriage that Lois has committed. Prepare yourselves! Let’s go to the evidence.  

No. 1

As we can all easily see here, Lois is embracing Astounding Man and caressing her lips against his, and she’s doing this right in front of her husband! What a trollip! On top of this, it clearly states, “Lois Lane weds Astounding Man.” And no, this isn’t the first case of attempted polygamy on Lois’ part. This “Astounding Man” isn’t even good looking, and his costume is down-right laughable. Worst part is, she doesn’t have any idea who he is, but Superman does, and like a good husband, he worries for his wife’s safety. A trait Ms. Lane does not seem to have. She's more worried about getting her kissing-action on!
 
 
 

No.2

 I didn’t know a woman with these values could be a good Christian woman. There must be a loophole somewhere in the bible about her! Sorry, separation of church and state… I know. As we can see… YET AGAIN… Lois is attempting to engage in polygamy, a crime against the sanctity marriage and an insult to all of us who suffer silently in monogamous relationships around the world.Not only is she marrying someone else, she's marrying Bruce Wayne, Superman's friend! Superman has some terrible friends... She even grabbed her pointiest bra for this occasion, what a scallop! And the nerve of her not to step in and say something as Superman is selected as the best man!
 

No.3

 AH HA! I knew there was something fishy about that last piece of evidence! Lois may look stunning in her super-tight red outfit, but because of her choice to marry Satan, she now has a tail, horns and hooves. Wait a minute... "With the infernal powers of Hades?"This supposed Satan is duping Lois! What a Mallop! Why won't Superman help? That priest looks familiar… Wait… Is that the same priest from my second piece of evidence? This is a whole other trial in itself. 
 
 
 

No.4

 This time, she just isn’t at the alter about to marry someone, she’s about to get carried across the threshold to consummate said marriage. What a harlot! Maybe she doesn’t realize this, but she has just committed polygamy...again, and the marriage is null and void. Take that Lois! Also, I don’t know if you realize this, but your new husband is totally going to make you watch him get electrocuted because he’s an evil criminal! BOOSH! And even though Lois married a horrible, evil criminal, Superman still cares. Isn’t that the sign of a wonderful husband?  Yes. and is this the sign of a horrible wife? DOUBLE YES!
   
 

No.5

 Promiscuous Rex! Are you seeing what I’m seeing? That scallop trollip mallop harlot! Proving once again, that not only does Superman have horrible friends, but he also has a horrible wife. Why is Batman so excited? He already received a piece of the action in evidence piece number two! Who let Aquaman in here? And they’re all doing this in front of a Superman poster that reads, “Give to Superman… Fresh Air Fund.” How about you let Lois have some fresh air? At least this time, Superman isn’t around to see it. 
 
 
 
 

                                                                                           Surprise Evidence!


 You thought I was done, didn’t you? Never! I’ll defend my client to the finish… until I die! As we can see here, Lois and Superman are married. This is just mere moments after they were pronounced man and wife. However, look in the bottom right corner… She’s already cheating on him. Adultery on the first night! Look above… She’s running guns for Lex Luthor. I move that not only does Superman get everything, including the goldfish Mr. Squiggles, but also Lois be put away for illegally trafficking automatic weapons. No one moves Thompsons on my watch, not even Lex Luthor!  

 
If you have counter-evidence, I demand to see it! Or if you have evidence to strengthen my already flawless case, do so. Justice must be served in ComicVine Court! 
 
 
~Mat “InferiorEgo” Elfring is a comedian, teacher, comic book writer, comic store employee, and fake lawyer.~


 

Staff
#1 Posted by Hawk (15833 posts) - - Show Bio
Cross examine: Louis married until Death do us Part. 
 

 I rest my case!
#2 Posted by inferiorego (24406 posts) - - Show Bio
@Hawk: She still cheated on him numerous times!
Staff
#3 Posted by Hawk (15833 posts) - - Show Bio
@inferiorego said:
" @Hawk: She still cheated on him numerous times! "
touche'
#4 Posted by Tyler Starke (4410 posts) - - Show Bio

Wow what a hussy







While it might not be technically cheating, that's just wrong.



#5 Posted by They Killed Cap! (2243 posts) - - Show Bio

This is hilarious.
#6 Posted by Jordanstine (907 posts) - - Show Bio

I haven't been keeping up with Supes since the whole Doomsday thing, but lost in all this silly humor, are they really getting a divorce? 
 
If so, why? 
 
First Pete and MJ coz Marvel wants to tell tales of teenage single bliss, and now Supes? 
 
If not, then... haha!
#7 Posted by inferiorego (24406 posts) - - Show Bio
@Jordanstine: In ComicVine Court, they're getting a divorce. In the DC continuity, no they're not.... But if I pass the DC Comics bar, you better believe I'm going to represent him.
Staff
#8 Edited by The Sharp Dressed Lady (285 posts) - - Show Bio

Inferiorego needs to notice that marriage is not the norm for Clark and Lois, and that, as in this universe, it's a bust. 
 
Love is a better deal.

#9 Posted by Tyler Starke (4410 posts) - - Show Bio
@inferiorego:


Look what you've made him do Matt!!
#10 Posted by inferiorego (24406 posts) - - Show Bio
@Tyler Starke: LOL! I own that one! 
 
Counter-point: They're in space. Earth-laws do not apply. Therefor, no crime is being committed.
Staff
#11 Posted by Tyler Starke (4410 posts) - - Show Bio
@inferiorego:  hahah
 
What about Space law though
#12 Posted by lostlantern13 (860 posts) - - Show Bio

My counter-evidence is your own evidence. Technically those books declare Lois Lane as "Superman's girlfriend." Lois isn't really breaking the sacred bonds of marriage. She may not even be cheating on ol' Supes if their relationship (not marriage) was a non-exclusive situation.
 

#13 Posted by Tyler Starke (4410 posts) - - Show Bio
@lostlantern13: Boosh
#14 Posted by The_MVPs (84693 posts) - - Show Bio

I'd like to submit that technically, all your evidence is from the "Pre-Crisis" era and there for I request it be inadmissible as evidence your Honor.

Moderator
#15 Posted by inferiorego (24406 posts) - - Show Bio
@Tyler Starke: I never studied Space Law.
 
@lostlantern13:
Point taken. However, the 80-page Giant is their wedding, issue 68. Issues 103 and 105, which are also weddings to other men take place after Supes wedding. Also, she kissed Green Arrow... gross.
Staff
#16 Posted by sora_thekey (8173 posts) - - Show Bio

I Object! 
 
Wait! No, no I don't!
Moderator
#17 Posted by inferiorego (24406 posts) - - Show Bio
@Gambler: we'll wait for the judge's decision on that one
Staff
#18 Posted by Your Father (30 posts) - - Show Bio
@Gambler said:
" I'd like to submit that technically, all your evidence is from the "Pre-Crisis" era and there for I request it be inadmissible as evidence your Honor. "
As judge of this trial. I move that you clean your room!
#19 Posted by The_MVPs (84693 posts) - - Show Bio
@Your Father: LOL motion denied.
 
I'd like to enter exhibit(s) A, and B.
 
A: Taken straight from the CV wiki page for Superman.
 

The Crisis on Infinite Earths story arc was written in order to erase the multiverse in 1985. It was agreed upon by DC that there had been too many Earths with too many mirror images of heroes. Therefore, it was decided to destroy the collection of several alternate realities at the hands of Anti-Monitor. There were five realities that were saved, but these were merged into one reality, becoming Earth-One. Clark Kent was erased from history and Kal-El only existed as Superman now. All of Kal-El’s adventures would be replaced with another hero instead. Kal-El was one of the heroes that fought against the Anti-Monitor in hopes to save his reality. The battle took place at the dawn of time, and this was the reason that he was not fully erased from history. He remained in existence and retained all of his memories from Earth-Two/Golden Age. He became devastated when he realized that everything he knew and loved was erased from history, including Lois

 Erased from history, meaning technically it never happened. This includes the circumstantial evidence that has been levied against my client here today.
 
Exhibit B: The true documented and recognized union between Superman and Lois Lane


I rest my case ;P
Moderator
#20 Posted by inferiorego (24406 posts) - - Show Bio
@Gambler: The marriage in question is not the universe's marriage, but it is the golden/silver age marriage between the two. I do not represent characters post-crisis. 
 
 
I am a time-traveling comic lawyer.
Staff
#21 Posted by KRYPTON (1891 posts) - - Show Bio
@inferiorego said:
" @Hawk: She still cheated on him numerous times! "
I also bring to your attention about the Man of steel himself! And More Details about Lois Lane. Continuing where you left off. 
No. 6 
    Super-man Giving kisses for charity. This fiend was asking for 1$ for his super kisses. This is clearly a crime against all things that Super-man stands for. Super-man is also getting tickets from the women that he kisses, how far will he go? Lois tears them up and says that she rather kiss Dracula. 
 
No. 7 
Super-man marrying Lana lang. Like you said in your case about Lois committing adultery, Super-man is also doing the same thing. He is not only dating Lana, but he is married to her, this is not only wrong, but also evil. Super-man is just trying to show that he can marry more than one girl. 
No. 8 
Super-man does not like jealous girls. Yes, this might be the reason that Supes ditched Lois for other women, and under the emotional machine it shows all of Lois' true colors! Lois & Lana will always be rivals, they fight over Super-man like 2 lions over 1 piece of meat. 
No. 9 
Super-man is a two-timer. He is dating Lois and Lana at the same time, while he dates a alien girl. I'm guessing that the Man of steel can't pick between his two favorite loves and this new love in his life. I also say that the only way that Lois and Lana found this out is if super-man asked someone to take their picture. So he can tease and get Lois and Lana to be jealous of him. 
No. 10 
 Super-man must really love girls. He even goes after the three women that tried to kill him or mind control him. This is really, really dumb Super-man must have really been under love if he still loves these girls!
 
No. 10 
 Super-pictures of old girlfriends. Tsk, tsk, tsk, the man of steel keeping pictures of past girlfriends in a steel safe. Lois reacts to this by calling Supes a "Super-wolf", which is what Super-man was because he kept those pictures. Lois throws kitchen equipment at super-man's head, which makes no since because he is invulnerable. 
 
No. 11 
I always knew that Supes had to date Wonder Woman at some point in time, but to what extent? Here we get to see Super-man encouraging Wonder woman to throw Lois off, Super-man might not kill Lois, but that does not stop him from telling another hero to do it. 
 
No. 12 
Murder. Murder is a crime even if a hero commits it. Here we see Super-man getting his hands dirty, by strapping Lois to a truck where she will die. This is just wrong if he does not like lois, why does he have to kill her? Can't he just leave and never speak to her again? NO! He has to go out and kill her. 
  No. 13 Final 
Murder (Again). Super-man is once again trying to kill Lois Lane. His first attempt on her life must have failed, so he's going to try again. If Super-man is known for one thing in this case "He Does the job right". He snaps Lois' cord to the space shuttle, and also the oxygen. He does this with a smile! 
#22 Posted by danhimself (22539 posts) - - Show Bio
@KRYPTON :  your argument is null and void...this trial is between Superman and Lois Lane.....Super-man plays no part in this
#23 Posted by The_MVPs (84693 posts) - - Show Bio
@inferiorego said:
" @Gambler: The marriage in question is not the universe's marriage, but it is the golden/silver age marriage between the two. I do not represent characters post-crisis.    I am a time-traveling comic lawyer. "
Ohhh, I see lol. Well in that case, Allow me to enter exhibits B, C, and D
 
 
 internet porn scandel

 
 
Moderator
#24 Posted by inferiorego (24406 posts) - - Show Bio
@KRYPTON : 
no6: It's for charity. He saving kids all across the world with his super kisses. The REAL crime is that Lois wouldn't pony up a dollar for starving kids! 
no7: It says on the cover it's an imaginary story. 
no8: I'm going to assume, again, that this was for charity. My client could do no wrong.
no9: Photoshopped. Someone is trying to set-up my client!
no10: Under the power of sirens
no11: sometimes, you want to kill your wife, but you're not willing to do it yourself. I'm not saying my client hired Wonder Woman to do so, but would you blame him if he did so? I mean, she tried to marry Satan
no12: Point taken only because this is the second funniest Lois Lane cover
no13: Again, as I stated earlier, there are no laws in space.
 
@Gambler said:
" @inferiorego said:
" @Gambler: The marriage in question is not the universe's marriage, but it is the golden/silver age marriage between the two. I do not represent characters post-crisis.    I am a time-traveling comic lawyer. "
Ohhh, I see lol. Well in that case, Allow me to enter exhibits B, C, and D
 
 
 internet porn scandel

 

to the porn scandal.... it was a recession and he needed the money to save his marriage.
Staff
#25 Posted by Mbecks14 (2068 posts) - - Show Bio

haha but that was all before they were even married. But jeez Lois got around!
 

 Lois + Superman = ♥
#26 Edited by NightFang (10054 posts) - - Show Bio

This is way Batman doesn't get married.

Online
#27 Posted by MrDirector786 (43552 posts) - - Show Bio

Who knew Lois cheated so much behind his back? I do think I've seen issues where he's cheated on her though.....

#28 Posted by .Mistress Redhead. (27119 posts) - - Show Bio
@inferiorego said:
" @Hawk: She still cheated on him numerous times! "
cheaters should always be castrated or hung, I hate cheaters good call IE!
#29 Posted by lostlantern13 (860 posts) - - Show Bio
@inferiorego:
Yes...kissing Green Arrow is gross. I wonder if kissing him would be protected by a plea of temporary insanity.
#30 Edited by Jordanstine (907 posts) - - Show Bio

Dear inferiorego, 
 
I think you should put together a column for what you think is the "Best and/or Worst Comic Book Wedding" ever.   And why they should (or shouldn't have) gotten married.
 
I would like... actually, LOVE to read that piece.
 
 
#31 Posted by .Mistress Redhead. (27119 posts) - - Show Bio
@NightFang said:
" This is way Batman doesn't get married. "
word
#32 Posted by inferiorego (24406 posts) - - Show Bio
@lostlantern13: You'd have to be insane to kiss Green Arrow.
 
 
That should be a quote somewhere on this site.
Staff
#33 Posted by cmaprice (809 posts) - - Show Bio

Question: Does the court even bother swearing in Superman? Seems kind of silly, since we all know he stand for Truth, Justice, and the American Way. Plus, swearing on the Bible is a bit meaningless for a guy who hangs out with gods.

#34 Posted by inferiorego (24406 posts) - - Show Bio
@cmaprice: Superman was not sworn in based on the fact he could beat us all up. I don't want to anger a man with a broken heart.
Staff
#35 Posted by tropicalisland (7 posts) - - Show Bio

If the American divorce laws apply then Superman being a man will loose half his financial money, his house, his dog(if any), and many more stuff. 

#36 Posted by The_MVPs (84693 posts) - - Show Bio
@.Mistress Redhead. said:
" @inferiorego said:
" @Hawk: She still cheated on him numerous times! "
cheaters should always be castrated or hung, I hate cheaters good call IE! "
Cheaters are gods gift to women. Remember that :P
Moderator
#37 Posted by inferiorego (24406 posts) - - Show Bio
@Gambler: YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER! THIS WHOLE TRIAL IS OUT OF ORDER!
 
(I take role playing on this site to a whole new bizarre level)
Staff
#38 Posted by DEGRAAF (7881 posts) - - Show Bio

   

   (Technically im al for the Relationship im about to show) {i mean Superman and Wonder Woman} 

 


 


 


 


 


 

Keeping secrets from his wife? 
   
 


 
   
 


 

   
 
   
 

forgot about his own wife, Looking after his mistress first... 
Then of course there are all of these 


 

 


 


 


 


 


 


 
#39 Edited by inferiorego (24406 posts) - - Show Bio
@DEGRAAF: That's all post-crisis Superman, and I refuse to defend that man.... He stole my car and threw it at Mongol!
Staff
#40 Posted by The_MVPs (84693 posts) - - Show Bio
@inferiorego said:

" @Gambler: YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER! THIS WHOLE TRIAL IS OUT OF ORDER!  (I take role playing on this site to a whole new bizarre level) "


 

Moderator
#41 Posted by .Mistress Redhead. (27119 posts) - - Show Bio
@Gambler: LMAO 
#42 Posted by DEGRAAF (7881 posts) - - Show Bio
@inferiorego:
   these all look to have happened pre-crisis 
 

 


 


 


 

   also can you blame him look at the comparison 
One complains and makes snyde remarks while the other cherishs everything the gods have created, as well as has more love and compassion for everything in the universe than the Lane family lineage has for just themselves.
#43 Posted by cmaprice (809 posts) - - Show Bio
@Gambler: 
 
#44 Posted by inferiorego (24406 posts) - - Show Bio
@DEGRAAF: the first one is the only pre-crisis one.
Staff
#45 Edited by InnerVenom123 (29500 posts) - - Show Bio

All this talk of marriage is making me sick..... 
 
Reads "One More Day" 
 
Heheh.... awful....
#46 Posted by Aerik (68 posts) - - Show Bio

You guys are insane. lmao

#47 Posted by Chocolate Lantern (169 posts) - - Show Bio

 @inferiorego: Due to March Madness I will not post any counter examples on this case. I am too busy watching basketball to even think of something good to say in response to this article.

#48 Posted by whirlwind6 (235 posts) - - Show Bio

Can I represent  the honorable Mr. Squiggles?!  He's the real victim here...

#49 Posted by inferiorego (24406 posts) - - Show Bio
@Aerik said:
" You guys are insane. lmao "

I think that's why I work at ComicVine... They needed a wildcard.


@Chocolate Lantern said:

"  @inferiorego: Due to March Madness I will not post any counter examples on this case. I am too busy watching basketball to even think of something good to say in response to this article. "
Mat 1

East Coast 0

@whirlwind6:
Yes, yes you can

Staff
#50 Posted by danhimself (22539 posts) - - Show Bio

who get's Chris Kent in the divorce?

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