Please, everyone be seated as we discuss the divorce case of Lois Lane and Superman. Councilman InferiorEgo, please present your evidence...
Thank you imaginary judge of ComicVine Court... Marriage is a sacred bond between two people very much in love. I know this, you know this, but one person who doesn’t seem to notice this is sitting in this courtroom right… this… SECOND! My client Clark Kent also known as Kal-El, also known as Superman has been married to Lois Lane for years. Wait… did I just give away my client’s secret? I’m getting paid either way… Who cares? Over the years, publicly, their relationship seemed loving, caring, and monogamous. ON THE SURFACE! Yes, I dare question their relationship, mainly because we're in a divorce court! I call out to you, the jury, which I have handpicked from the stones of Mt Olympus myself to view my really awesome evidence as to why Lois Lane should get nothing in this divorce case, and why Superman should get everything, including the goldfish Mr. Squiggles.
Point Number 1
ADULTERY!It’s actually my only point, but I have so much evidence that I, Mat “InferiorEgo” Elfring feel as though you will be shocked out of your seats and/or socks at all the crimes of marriage that Lois has committed. Prepare yourselves! Let’s go to the evidence.
No. 1As we can all easily see here, Lois is embracing Astounding Man and caressing her lips against his, and she’s doing this right in front of her husband! What a trollip! On top of this, it clearly states, “Lois Lane weds Astounding Man.” And no, this isn’t the first case of attempted polygamy on Lois’ part. This “Astounding Man” isn’t even good looking, and his costume is down-right laughable. Worst part is, she doesn’t have any idea who he is, but Superman does, and like a good husband, he worries for his wife’s safety. A trait Ms. Lane does not seem to have. She's more worried about getting her kissing-action on!
No.2I didn’t know a woman with these values could be a good Christian woman. There must be a loophole somewhere in the bible about her! Sorry, separation of church and state… I know. As we can see… YET AGAIN… Lois is attempting to engage in polygamy, a crime against the sanctity marriage and an insult to all of us who suffer silently in monogamous relationships around the world.Not only is she marrying someone else, she's marrying Bruce Wayne, Superman's friend! Superman has some terrible friends... She even grabbed her pointiest bra for this occasion, what a scallop! And the nerve of her not to step in and say something as Superman is selected as the best man!
No.3AH HA! I knew there was something fishy about that last piece of evidence! Lois may look stunning in her super-tight red outfit, but because of her choice to marry Satan, she now has a tail, horns and hooves. Wait a minute... "With the infernal powers of Hades?"This supposed Satan is duping Lois! What a Mallop! Why won't Superman help? That priest looks familiar… Wait… Is that the same priest from my second piece of evidence? This is a whole other trial in itself.
No.4This time, she just isn’t at the alter about to marry someone, she’s about to get carried across the threshold to consummate said marriage. What a harlot! Maybe she doesn’t realize this, but she has just committed polygamy...again, and the marriage is null and void. Take that Lois! Also, I don’t know if you realize this, but your new husband is totally going to make you watch him get electrocuted because he’s an evil criminal! BOOSH! And even though Lois married a horrible, evil criminal, Superman still cares. Isn’t that the sign of a wonderful husband? Yes. and is this the sign of a horrible wife? DOUBLE YES!
No.5Promiscuous Rex! Are you seeing what I’m seeing? That scallop trollip mallop harlot! Proving once again, that not only does Superman have horrible friends, but he also has a horrible wife. Why is Batman so excited? He already received a piece of the action in evidence piece number two! Who let Aquaman in here? And they’re all doing this in front of a Superman poster that reads, “Give to Superman… Fresh Air Fund.” How about you let Lois have some fresh air? At least this time, Superman isn’t around to see it.
You thought I was done, didn’t you? Never! I’ll defend my client to the finish… until I die! As we can see here, Lois and Superman are married. This is just mere moments after they were pronounced man and wife. However, look in the bottom right corner… She’s already cheating on him. Adultery on the first night! Look above… She’s running guns for Lex Luthor. I move that not only does Superman get everything, including the goldfish Mr. Squiggles, but also Lois be put away for illegally trafficking automatic weapons. No one moves Thompsons on my watch, not even Lex Luthor!
If you have counter-evidence, I demand to see it! Or if you have evidence to strengthen my already flawless case, do so. Justice must be served in ComicVine Court!
~Mat “InferiorEgo” Elfring is a comedian, teacher, comic book writer, comic store employee, and fake lawyer.~