1997 - Childhood
At a very young age Ivor Thompson was very much a delinquent, a ruffian, and dick. He would often times get his best friend Dougie Patterson into a great deal of trouble which they would later work out through fisticuffs. In his youth Ivor was constantly at the head of the bullying his gang of friends took part in. Wedgies, picking on a kid with only one testicle and regularly giving beatings to whoever the deemed worthy. He even lead his gang to take on Big Billy who was their only real threat, they managed to beat him senseless with a barrage of bricks.
1991 – Poteen, Shits, Thievery and Revenge
Ivor is heading to his Uncle Shuggie’s house with his friend Dougie when nature begins to call. While at Shuggie’s place Ivor is asked to take care of Eve, Shuggie’s pet snake. The boys head to a bar and from head off when their car breaks down. Some Paras drive by and question the boys and on their way off they run over Eve. Ivor has the displeasure of telling his Uncle this who has a fatal heart attack just as Mr. Bell, Shuggie’s business associate, walks in the house. Bell tells Ivor he has to make the poteen in place of his uncle or he will facilitate in the removal of Ivor’s genitals. Ivor agrees to this deal. The next day at Dougie’s wedding Ivor gives a speak at the reception as the best man with crudely drawn picture of the new;y wed couple on his ass as he proceeds to fart on everyone. While Dougie is away on his honeymoon Ivor begins to try and figure out how to make the poteen when he is haunted by Shuggie’s ghost who is pissed at Ivor for selling poteen to Bell. Dougie busts in a threatens to kill Ivor but they are both beaten up by Big Billy on account of an incident involving Eve at the bar.
Ivor decides he and Dougie are going to be detectives and sell poteen on the side to try and make a living when a man with a knife in his back comes through the door and tells there about a drop being made. Ivor immediately take the body and hides it up the chimney. The boys head to the drop and pick up the package when Big Billy begins to chance them claiming his right to the package. The boys escape but crash into the Wanker’s wanking shack and total their car. On their arrival home they discover the package is filled with cocaine.
Ivor gets the old gang back together and after Shuggie’s ghost makes an appearance it is suggested that they preform a Satanic ritual to rid them of his ghost. The end result of the ritual is that Shuggie comes back to life as a zombie and attempts to kill the boys when Dougie rescues them all. Back at home Ivor discovers their friend who they left to watch over their cocaine has snorted all of it so he proceeds to beat him to a pulp before the boys go to Mr. Bell to try and sell the cocaine which has now been cut with sugar.
The boys meet up with Bell only to discover that he and Big Billy are working together. Billy tells Bell about the cocaine and upon discovering that it is now sugar orders the boys to be killed. The boys are about to be thrown out of a plane when he Ivor pulls out a gun and kills the thugs and takes over the plane. The boys crash land and wind up in a huge firefight with Mr. Bell, Shuggie, Big Billy and Dougie’s father in law. Ivor kills Bell and shoots himself in the foot before shooting Shuggie’s face off and leaving him to be ground in a thresher.
2001 – Ten Years Later, Rock’n’Roll, Outerspace and Humanity’s Saviours
Ivor decides that the detective business is not as lucrative as he initially thought and devises a plan to start a band with Wee Willy, The Wanker and Spence. The band plays its first show and becomes instantly popular with their hit “Fuck You”. They run into a man named Dutchy who offers them the chance to meet and strike a record deal. Dougie and Ivor head to Dutchy’s house where they snoop around a bit only to end up under a bed where Dutchy has sex with a male blowup doll causing Ivor to nearly throw up as the boys panic to escape. Before they can do that they are discovered by Dutchy and end up signing a contract and end up making a good bit of money from the song as it debuts at number 3 in the charts.
The band does a tour through America where they are asked to play at the launching of a space shuttle. Ivor encourages Dougie to go looking around and no sooner have the boys left the group then they run into President Bush and are immediately threatened and almost killed by the Secret Service. Ivor leads the escape and the two hide in the space shuttle where Ivor accidently initiates the launch countdown and in a matter of minutes the two find themselves in outerspace.
Before long the two find themselves approaching a giant pink vaginal deathstar and are pulled in with its pubic beams. It is inhabited by a race of aliens known as the Dong. The Dong seek to destroy the world through the use of a Bigotry Beam which they are going to shoot right into Belfast in the hopes that it will destroy the whole world by causing the human race to tear itself apart. Ivor and Dougie are thrown in jail but Ivor remembers the guns they have just in time to realize they are not alone in the jail cell. They start shooting the other aliens and eventually escape the prison while letting the other aliens out to terrorize the ship in the process. Ivor, overcome with grief that he has cause Dougie so much trouble in life, almost stays behind but manages to swing over a chasm to Dougie using a dangling pube from the celling.
Ivor and Dougie make it back to earth only to see that Prodzilla and Atom-Mick, two giant creatures that have been awoken by the Bigotry Beam, have attacked Belfast. Because of the fire damage the boys did to the pink Deathstar they beam is reversed and everyone starts having sex with each other, including the two giant monsters. Dougie sets course for the monsters in the ship and just before it kills the giant beasts he pulls the eject lever and the two parachute to safety.
Ivor wants to tell everyone about what has really happened, about being the hero and saving the world but understands that he can’t do this, that he and Dougie would end up in jail for stealing a spaceship. While drinking a pint he has time to consider something Dougie happens to say about being a hero and gets an idea for the boy’s next outing.