Remember when I pointed out all the qualities that would make Thor undate-able? Well, with the release of the Green Lantern movie in less than a week (June 17th), I figured I could probably give Hal Jordan the same kind of treatment. I mean, it's only fair, right? And no, it's not because I can so easily find qualities in the opposite sex deeming them undate-able; it's just that Hal Jordan is just so friggin' easy. No, I don't mean that way...even though he kind of is easy that way too...So here it is! My top four reasons why Hal Jordan (even more-so than Thor) would make a terrible boyfriend!
== TEASER ==He has multiple-personality disorder...sometimes.
One day Hal Jordan's that normal guy that takes you out to the movies and to dinner, and the next he's descending into madness because some dude named Mongul decides to destroy Coast City. Next thing you know, Hal's going crazy, destroying the Green Lantern Corps and killing Kilowog. I mean, who the hell would kill Kilowog! I'd rather make him my household pet. Okay, so maybe that little bit of Hal's history was cleared up during Green Lantern: Rebirth by writer Geoff Johns when he explained that during Hal's descent into madness he was actually consumed by Parallax. But still, how many other people have been possessed by Parallax? I mean really, why would I want a boyfriend who gets possessed? I've seen The Exorcist.
This isn't the only time Hal's gone totally haywire, either. After The Rage of the Red Lanterns he went so crazy that he turned into a Red Lantern himself. That's right, blood spewing Hal, throwing a temper tantrum and getting all uppity. I mean seriously, try kissing a guy who's spews blood. No, really, don't, that's way too gross.
He's never home. Ever.
Have any of you ever stopped to consider just how large Space Sector 2814 really is? Hal Jordan is responsible for all of Sector 2814, which means he's constantly floating around in outer space solving other people's problems. Which means that when you call him up on his cell phone he probably doesn't even have reception. And you can totally forget about ever asking him to bring home a gallon of milk because chances are he'll be too busy with War of the Green Lanterns to give you a hand!
Why should Hal settle for just one girlfriend?
But just 'cause Hal's a busy guy, being a protector of an entire space sector, doesn't mean he doesn't have needs, you know? And to be honest, with Hal, one girl may not always be enough- something we saw play out for a full page in Cry For Justice.
Oh, and don't think he won't brag about his threesome with his best friends, either. That Hal Jordan, what a gentleman. Oh and that threesome happened when Hal was already in a committed relationship. And it wasn't with either of the two ladies involved in the infamous threesome. Yeah, that's cool.
Do you really want to compete with Carol Ferris?
Then there's Carol Ferris. Not only will you, as Hal's girlfriend, have to compete with the vivacious Ms. Ferris; but when she gets into one of her hormonal mood swings and turns into a complete Predator, donning that cute little pink number (becomes a Star Sapphire) then chances are you're gonna lose your man. I know I can't compete with that body. That is just not gonna happen.
I'm not sure I have to point out that this article is written entirely to amuse you and should in no way be taken seriously. Having said that, please don't take this seriously. I am in no way trying to insinuate that human beings should explore romantic, one dimensional relationships with fictional cartoon characters. Like this guy. Having said that, do you agree or disagree with me? Do you feel Hal would make an excellent boyfriend and that I've pegged him wrong? Let me know why you think! Prove me wrong!
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