Why Hal Jordan Would Make a Terrible Boyfriend

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Posted by No_Name_ (17403 posts) - - Show Bio

Remember when I pointed out all the qualities that would make Thor undate-able? Well, with the release of the Green Lantern movie in less than a week (June 17th), I figured I could probably give Hal Jordan the same kind of treatment. I mean, it's only fair, right? And no, it's not because I can so easily find qualities in the opposite sex deeming them undate-able; it's just that Hal Jordan is just so friggin' easy. No, I don't mean that way...even though he kind of is easy that way too...So here it is! My top four reasons why Hal Jordan (even more-so than Thor) would make a terrible boyfriend!

== TEASER ==

He has multiple-personality disorder...sometimes.

Um...okay.

One day Hal Jordan's that normal guy that takes you out to the movies and to dinner, and the next he's descending into madness because some dude named Mongul decides to destroy Coast City. Next thing you know, Hal's going crazy, destroying the Green Lantern Corps and killing Kilowog. I mean, who the hell would kill Kilowog! I'd rather make him my household pet. Okay, so maybe that little bit of Hal's history was cleared up during Green Lantern: Rebirth by writer Geoff Johns when he explained that during Hal's descent into madness he was actually consumed by Parallax. But still, how many other people have been possessed by Parallax? I mean really, why would I want a boyfriend who gets possessed? I've seen The Exorcist.

This isn't the only time Hal's gone totally haywire, either. After The Rage of the Red Lanterns he went so crazy that he turned into a Red Lantern himself. That's right, blood spewing Hal, throwing a temper tantrum and getting all uppity. I mean seriously, try kissing a guy who's spews blood. No, really, don't, that's way too gross.

He's never home. Ever.

I'll be back...maybe.

Have any of you ever stopped to consider just how large Space Sector 2814 really is? Hal Jordan is responsible for all of Sector 2814, which means he's constantly floating around in outer space solving other people's problems. Which means that when you call him up on his cell phone he probably doesn't even have reception. And you can totally forget about ever asking him to bring home a gallon of milk because chances are he'll be too busy with War of the Green Lanterns to give you a hand!

Why should Hal settle for just one girlfriend?

I have a girl friend?

But just 'cause Hal's a busy guy, being a protector of an entire space sector, doesn't mean he doesn't have needs, you know? And to be honest, with Hal, one girl may not always be enough- something we saw play out for a full page in Cry For Justice.

Oh, and don't think he won't brag about his threesome with his best friends, either. That Hal Jordan, what a gentleman. Oh and that threesome happened when Hal was already in a committed relationship. And it wasn't with either of the two ladies involved in the infamous threesome. Yeah, that's cool.

Do you really want to compete with Carol Ferris?

I don't know about you, but I can't compete

Then there's Carol Ferris. Not only will you, as Hal's girlfriend, have to compete with the vivacious Ms. Ferris; but when she gets into one of her hormonal mood swings and turns into a complete Predator, donning that cute little pink number (becomes a Star Sapphire) then chances are you're gonna lose your man. I know I can't compete with that body. That is just not gonna happen.

I'm not sure I have to point out that this article is written entirely to amuse you and should in no way be taken seriously. Having said that, please don't take this seriously. I am in no way trying to insinuate that human beings should explore romantic, one dimensional relationships with fictional cartoon characters. Like this guy. Having said that, do you agree or disagree with me? Do you feel Hal would make an excellent boyfriend and that I've pegged him wrong? Let me know why you think! Prove me wrong!

#1 Posted by NightFang (9642 posts) - - Show Bio

Why all the hate Hal Jordan, Babs?

#2 Posted by Baddamdog (2222 posts) - - Show Bio

How about all his girlfriends seem ti die as well?

#3 Posted by Ice Zero (41 posts) - - Show Bio

Well at least dating Hal Jordan seems to be healthier than dating Kyle Rayner... Let us not forget all his girfriends starting by Alexandra DeWitt

#4 Posted by CrimsonTempest (307 posts) - - Show Bio

At least his girl can kick his ass, for all intents and purposes.

#5 Posted by Samimista (20182 posts) - - Show Bio

Isn't worth going for a womanizer

#6 Posted by ImperiousRix (1069 posts) - - Show Bio

You forgot to mention that Hal has about all the personality of a manila envelope...

#7 Posted by BlackRoseTessa (59 posts) - - Show Bio

id still date him , mybe for all thous reasons lol
#8 Posted by Mr. Dead Pool (2625 posts) - - Show Bio

You forgot to add thievery to the list, after all he did steal Ryan from Deadpool

#9 Edited by Jordanstine (907 posts) - - Show Bio
Hal Jordan apparently also sucks in the movies...
 
Critics overall are hammering this film.
 
http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/green_lantern/

 
Reviews are awful at 22% right now.
 
 Hal Jordan dies again... this time in the Box Office.
 

When you have critics like even IGN calling it a "Cosmic Fail" and another saying "One of DC's Biggest Disaster" like Jonah Hex of last year, that's not a good sign.  
 
P.S.
My own Green Lantern movie review written HERE where I was told I was actually "charitable" on my review.
#10 Posted by maxicere (935 posts) - - Show Bio

I let everything for Carol...

#11 Posted by postman (25 posts) - - Show Bio

"I know I can't compete with that body. That is just not gonna happen." 
  
Don't sell yourself short Babs, you could definitely give Carol a run for her money.   

#12 Posted by Mainline (1129 posts) - - Show Bio

The real bummer with Hal is that he's got all that baggage and yet he can't use his magic ring for personal gain on a date. 
 
You'd think the main advantage of dating a superhero- besides the washboard abs- despite all the downsides is that they can use their powers to give you a completely unique romantic experience... Superman can take you flying, Spidey treats you to picnics in the trees and upside-down necking, Flash fetches you flowers from Hawaii and wine from France, Batman has billions to spend on you if his moody cave doesn't titillate... 
 
...but if Hal fires up his ring on a date, a bunch of cosmic cops are going to crash your date and slap Hal with a cease-and-desist order!

#13 Edited by Fantasgasmic (1065 posts) - - Show Bio

1) Babs, you can totally compete with Carol Ferris.
 
2) How did the "slapping women around" thing get left off the list? Is it because she was a villain at the time? 
 


#14 Edited by justafan (133 posts) - - Show Bio
@Mr. Dead Pool:  i was going to say that this was the worst move ever on DC's part but then i remembered the revamp and all those old batman movies and the newest superman movie....... But ryan would be amazing as deadpool and he's definitely not Hal maybe a kyle but not a hal
#15 Posted by RedheadedAtrocitus (6885 posts) - - Show Bio

He's not nicknamed "Highball" for nothin'...teehee

#16 Edited by Jim Halpert (58 posts) - - Show Bio
#17 Posted by Avenging-X-Bolt (11724 posts) - - Show Bio
@Fantasgasmic said:
1) Babs, you can totally compete with Carol Ferris.
 
2) How did the "slapping women around" thing get left off the list? Is it because she was a villain at the time? 
 
 

 

out of context ,pic is out of context
 
 
who was Hal "involved" with when he ,huntress, and lady blackhawk ummmmm did the deed
#18 Posted by Bestostero (5611 posts) - - Show Bio

Don't forget the Arisia thing! lol

#19 Posted by Avenging-X-Bolt (11724 posts) - - Show Bio

@xhavoc86 said:

Don't forget the Arisia thing! lol


 

 
no one forgets about that......but no one ever mentions the good things he's done for some reason.
#20 Edited by ZaberCat (246 posts) - - Show Bio

gee. thats sad knowing him. 

#21 Posted by AirDave817 (786 posts) - - Show Bio

... 
But, he's such a heroic role model...no?

#22 Posted by perry_411 (428 posts) - - Show Bio

1)All those crazy things he does makes him exciting. 
2)He's powerful 
3)He can make you constructs with his ring 
4)You don't have to get him an engagement ring

#23 Posted by Jordanstine (907 posts) - - Show Bio
#24 Posted by Icon (2044 posts) - - Show Bio

Poor Jordan.. His movie is getting trashed and now there is an article about him not being worth loving.. I think this guy needs a hug.

#25 Posted by Wattup (648 posts) - - Show Bio

Well, I'm convinced. 
 
I will never date Hal Jordan.

#26 Posted by Nasar7 (157 posts) - - Show Bio

You just listed all the reasons Hal is my favorite lantern. Well except maybe the whole Parallax bit. :)

#27 Posted by velle37 (6040 posts) - - Show Bio
@Avenging-X-Bolt said:

@xhavoc86 said:

Don't forget the Arisia thing! lol


 

 no one forgets about that......but no one ever mentions the good things he's done for some reason.

What good things has he done? List as many as you can......
#28 Posted by Maki_P (273 posts) - - Show Bio

You're right Hal is not dateble; not because we can't compete with Carol Ferris, but because I really don't want Star Sapphire after my, not unremarkable, Latina tail

#29 Posted by Danial79 (2207 posts) - - Show Bio

I think those points could be related to pretty much any superhero. They all have weird stuff like possession happening all the time, they would never be home due to saving the world, and they all have hot "co-workers". Also, depending on the writer, they often have seedy histories and flings as well :)

#30 Posted by Avenging-X-Bolt (11724 posts) - - Show Bio
@Baddamdog said:
How about all his girlfriends seem ti die as well?

arisia as far as i knw is the only one who has "died"
#31 Posted by Avenging-X-Bolt (11724 posts) - - Show Bio
@velle37 said:
@Avenging-X-Bolt said:

@xhavoc86 said:

Don't forget the Arisia thing! lol


 

 no one forgets about that......but no one ever mentions the good things he's done for some reason.
What good things has he done? List as many as you can......

found the justice league? 
bring Green Arrow back to life? 
nurse carol ferris during her "wheelchair" phase 
serve as a valiant green lantern for years and save countless lives?
and im not even an expert on him
#32 Posted by mark5 (1213 posts) - - Show Bio
@perry_411 said:
1)All those crazy things he does makes him exciting. 2)He's powerful 3)He can make you constructs with his ring 4)You don't have to get him an engagement ring
lol good points 
@Avenging-X-Bolt said:
@Baddamdog said:
How about all his girlfriends seem ti die as well?
arisia as far as i knw is the only one who has "died"
Kyle rayner is the one who all his girlfriends have died. Some of them ave come back to life though. 
#33 Posted by fodigg (6094 posts) - - Show Bio

It's not easy being green.

#34 Posted by Avenging-X-Bolt (11724 posts) - - Show Bio
@velle37 said:
@Avenging-X-Bolt said:

@xhavoc86 said:

Don't forget the Arisia thing! lol


 

 no one forgets about that......but no one ever mentions the good things he's done for some reason.
What good things has he done? List as many as you can......

 
 
Reignitte Earth's sun 
Resist tapping Supergirl (proves that he at least has some standards when it comes to women)
Helped guide and "mentor" the Secret 
Turned the Spectre into a tool of redemption and not revenge 
helped Roy Harper during his junkie phase even when Ollie had abandoned him
#35 Posted by Avenging-X-Bolt (11724 posts) - - Show Bio
@mark5 said:
@perry_411 said:
1)All those crazy things he does makes him exciting. 2)He's powerful 3)He can make you constructs with his ring 4)You don't have to get him an engagement ring
lol good points 
@Avenging-X-Bolt said:
@Baddamdog said:
How about all his girlfriends seem ti die as well?
arisia as far as i knw is the only one who has "died"
Kyle rayner is the one who all his girlfriends have died. Some of them ave come back to life though. 

yeah i know. i was trying to explain to the other guy.
#36 Posted by Emperor Gonzo Noir (19709 posts) - - Show Bio

I always thought it was public knowledge that Hal was one of the all time worst boyfriends.

#37 Edited by mbembet (219 posts) - - Show Bio

it got 20% ROTTEN in rottentomatoes LMFAO

#38 Posted by Bigheart711 (2180 posts) - - Show Bio

I suppose it's a critically bad idea to have him as a wingman too.

#39 Posted by robokungfu (177 posts) - - Show Bio

I guess ladies don 't like guys that are too cocky, either. He really is a Ryan Reynolds character!

#40 Edited by Comiclove5 (1255 posts) - - Show Bio
@Avenging-X-Bolt said:

@Fantasgasmic said:

1) Babs, you can totally compete with Carol Ferris.
 
2) How did the "slapping women around" thing get left off the list? Is it because she was a villain at the time? 
 

out of context ,pic is out of context  who was Hal "involved" with when he ,huntress, and lady blackhawk ummmmm did the deed 


Cowgirl 
http://www.comicvine.com/cowgirl/29-42891/
#41 Posted by Avenging-X-Bolt (11724 posts) - - Show Bio
@Comiclove5 said:
@Avenging-X-Bolt said:
@Fantasgasmic said:
1) Babs, you can totally compete with Carol Ferris.
 
2) How did the "slapping women around" thing get left off the list? Is it because she was a villain at the time? 
 
 

 
out of context ,pic is out of context  who was Hal "involved" with when he ,huntress, and lady blackhawk ummmmm did the deed
Cowgirl 

thats what i thought. could you really call that a relationship though?  i dont really think they're that serious. i
#42 Posted by Comiclove5 (1255 posts) - - Show Bio

These are kinda the same reasons Spidey would not and or does not make a good significant other to the women he dates(ed).

#43 Posted by Sky_Jokiel (304 posts) - - Show Bio

Carol is one bad ass chick and I don't think anyone will ever end up with Hal but her

#44 Posted by -Vigil- (379 posts) - - Show Bio

Yeesh. I was just about to start reading Green Lantern, too. I probably still will, but I won't be looking forward to it as much.

#45 Posted by TanoPrime (2 posts) - - Show Bio

He would be totally dateable as long as you aren't looking for your next husband.   Space cops as husbands???  Even the earth cops are rough picks for that lol!

#46 Posted by Emperormeister734 (788 posts) - - Show Bio
@Avenging-X-Bolt:  im shocked to see this he beat on Carol omg  Hal can't be a woman beater and someone who hits women unless she really super evil, Carol was confused then
#47 Posted by Green_Lantern_of_New_Genesis (4 posts) - - Show Bio

Why couldn't they have made Hal the type of person who would end up with one woman, the fact that he dated more women than James Bond really starts to drag on a reader

#48 Posted by Chane (539 posts) - - Show Bio

Whatever happened to Cowgirl? :o\

#49 Posted by Lifestrike (10 posts) - - Show Bio

I would like to request a follow up article;
 
Why Atrocitus Would Make a Wonderful Boyfriend

#50 Posted by jubilee042 (1353 posts) - - Show Bio

even hal can't beat carol (body wise)

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