"Hello there intrepid readers! I don't have a clue what intrepid means but it just feels right, like it was made to shoot out my mouth at this very moment. What was I talking about again? I know I was supposed to tell you something important that happened to me a while back. Oh right now I remember, I died. Yep got killed doing something dumb, surprised it took that long really, at one stage I declared war on the Ostrich race, don't know how they didn't get me with their Ostrich ninja squadrons
The dumb thing? I got into a spat with every single pantheon of God & Goddesses who have complete control over Earth. I may be dead but you should see the other guys, they're fine, they're omnipotent. You're probably wondering how I'm talking to you if I'm dead. Fun fact, I'm in Hell, or to be specific Hades. It's not from a life of sin & debauchery, trust me, just like those orphans whose Christmas I stole (don't worry I saw the error of my ways). I lied earlier the other Gods aren't all 'fine', I did a fair bit of damage to just about every single group of Deities so everyone wanted a bit of the old Alphonse. Unfortunately there's only one of me and the Greeks or Romans or whatever the hell they are had dibs, so with that came their totally unpredictable choice of punishment, which is their version of Hell.
Hades isn't that bad, a bit lonely though. Luckily I have Hades to sympathise with, this is Hades the person, well God actually, not the realm of the dead. Y'see once the whole Groman pantheon was disproven (HA!), alot less dead people came through here. The way it works is that you go to your religions version of Hell, or you get reincarnated, Atheists get split up and divided to all the myth busted places. Hades is kinda bored down here, he puts on this whole visage of giant demonic being of pure hatred and tortuous existence but really he just needed a bit of friendship and a hug. Deep down he's a big softy, according to him he didn't want to guard Hell forever but Zeus is big, strong and prone to murdering people who annoy him, family included.
Crap I forgot the bigger thing I should've mentioned, I've been here for about 6 years Earth time. Yeah time passes quickly down here, but also kinda slowly now that I think about it, honestly all I do is go round Hades place and watch entire series on Netflix with him. Occasionally somebody from Olympus will show up to make sure I'm imprisoned still, recently one even gave us some new- Crapdamnit! There was something else.
Okay I'll have to step back a bit to explain this but basically since I made a deal with Terra to marry her when I came of age I was given a portion of God powers, you following still? So the thing is I welched out on my end of the deal and that's when things went a bit cray-cray, for lack of better words. But y'see I'm pretty much Phoenix Wright compared to Gods, it turns out that millennia old immortals aren't that great at writing contracts so my deal was full of loopholes, by simply telling them crap like 'appropriate age' being an unspecific term I bought myself infinite time for me to frolic with awesome powers. Zeus, being the balanced individual he is, stayed true to the whole 'I can't make you get married to Terra but I can still be a d***' stereotype and had me put in Hades since killing me would've broken some 'ancient godly contract that would destroy the fragile treaty that stops prevents God warfare'. So I kinda told a fib saying I died, I just skipped a step and went straight here.
Soooo everyone has gotten impatient with my not getting hitched/ not being allowed to be murdered for wreaking havoc with several angry, angry Gods and decided to add a little addition to my contract, with my agreement of course. All I have to do is a Twelve Labours. Basically years ago Hercules went mad, killed some stuff, redeemed himself by doing Twelve 'Labours' which were just dumb things like stealing bras and cleaning out a crap filled horse stable. So I decided to do it..."
And so with a kick arse suit, minus the jacket, and a bad arse sword made of purple hellfire our hero sets off to do some crap for petty reasons.