Rate the writing skills of RP'ers on the Vine!

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Naamah_Obyzouth

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@Mercy_: I am now.

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Mercy_

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#3402  Edited By Mercy_

@Naamah_Obyzouth: What prompted the change?

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Naamah_Obyzouth

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@Mercy_: Character development choice... Naamah was red because she was Naamah / Obyzouth. Now she is just Naamah.

Naamah is a Fallen Angel, that fell to Earth and has never been to Hell.

Obyzouth is a Shadow Demon that has been living inside of her for what seems like forever... But she is not inside Naamah anymore, and she is back to her old ways. Naamah even has a girl friend now that she is IN love with, Kayle Rez. One of Azrael's ALT's.

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ThePuzzler

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#3404  Edited By ThePuzzler

OK! So I know this isnt the Ritz of writing let alone probably any good but I would like to hear what you guys think about Puzzler in this post.

Puzzler looked at his face and smiled, a guard already knew that he changed faces somehow so wasn't really impressed. "Well! Tom! It has been oodles of fun but I really think I am good to get out of here" Puzzler smiles with glee, Tom the guard scowled at him. "I dont think so geek, your staying in here for a long while ". Puzzler gave an exaggerated frown and pulled out a pistol, "Im going out one way or another!" And with that the master of puzzles scattered his brain across the wall. The guard instantly unlocked the door in shock while kneeling over the body, but to even more shock, Puzzler slammed the door behind him and locked him in the cell, "How did you fall for such a simple illusion! Dear god! I mean sure it took me months to build up enough energy to create that for such a strong minded perso- OK! Im rambling! I LOVE RAMBLING!"Puzzler was ecstatic, the guard pretty much growled with frustration while walking towards the door to try and unlock it, only to be electrocuted to the ground. "WOOPS! Forgot to mention I rigged the bars with a cute little trap for ya'! You should be up in a few hours". Puzzler sprinted to the storage room where they keep the prisoners personal items, he already knew which box was his and threw on his blue suit and quirky red tie.

Guards loaded their weapons as they stormed into the storage room and pointed their barrels at Puzzler, who already had his hands up and a grin on his face. "Very funny puzzle b!tch, but now your going to the hole" The guard barked at Puzzler. They were behind him as they were about to leave the storage room until the door slammed down before the guards could leave, makeshift bolts locked and on the centre of the door was a puzzle with a jumbled up symbol. "Wow you guys got yourself in a pickle! I hope you like it, made it last night when you guys were busy with movie night, you see you have about ohhh, fifty seconds to shift those pieces into a proper symbol before EVERY SINGLE cell unlocks in this lovely zoo of super freaks..You don't want that im estimating...ANYWAY! Puzzler out!" Puzzler laughed joyfully while jogging down the hallways, the guards panicked while shifting the puzzle around in a frantic attempt to solve it. With two seconds let, they solved it, the symbol was from the monopoly game, the image of the "Get out of jail free" card. The prison's inmates were secure, but Puzzler escaped with ease.

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deactivated-578ee3f81c5e1

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@Maya Lopez: Ok, if you get a chance whenever let me know

@_Hawk_: I figured lol, it looks massive at midnight on a week day :P

@Mercy_: thanks? lol

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Naamah_Obyzouth

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@nonfiction91:

Hey pal... I actual took the time to read and rate... And I don't get a reply. What's that all about? ; )

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Urbs

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#3407  Edited By Urbs

@Naamah_Obyzouth: I loved it! There were grammar and spelling mistakes, but i never worry about those anyways. It's all about how interesting it is, it also helped define who your character was. Something a reader likes to know from the beginning so they can make connections, of course mystery is also a good thing. I personally say high 5 - mid 6. Honestly though, i'm a bad critic, so i wouldn't trust my word.

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deactivated-578ee3f81c5e1

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@Naamah_Obyzouth: Sorry my pm box has been acting up I didn't even noticed you'd replied, I'll read it over in a bit, just woke up

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deactivated-578ee3f81c5e1

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@Naamah_Obyzouth: Great writing, definitely a solid 6, only because I haven't seen any full rp posts of yours, I could see everythig in my head clearly, the description was great and so was your way of letting me know who she is.

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Naamah_Obyzouth

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@nonfiction91: Thank you! : )

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Feral Nova

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#3411  Edited By Feral Nova  Moderator

T_T I feel like my writing skills are slowly declining....

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VictorGrey

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#3412  Edited By VictorGrey

@Feral Nova: It comes with age :p

They say the writing is the first to go....

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Feral Nova

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#3413  Edited By Feral Nova  Moderator

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! T_T WHY COULDN'T IT BE MY MEMORY FIRST!?

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VictorGrey

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#3414  Edited By VictorGrey

@Feral Nova: Cookies is next... your taste just fades away...

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Feral Nova

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#3415  Edited By Feral Nova  Moderator

NO! >_

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VictorGrey

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#3416  Edited By VictorGrey

@Feral Nova: Wasn't me... it was the age...

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Feral Nova

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#3417  Edited By Feral Nova  Moderator

D: THE AGE!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! T_T

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VictorGrey

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#3418  Edited By VictorGrey

@Feral Nova: That's right Grammy... had to break it to you.

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deactivated-578ee3f81c5e1

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@VictorGrey: lol

@Feral Nova: put summum up!

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VictorGrey

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#3420  Edited By VictorGrey

@nonfiction91: No reason to laugh at the elderly just because you have youth, mister.

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deactivated-578ee3f81c5e1

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@VictorGrey: LMAO XD

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VictorGrey

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#3422  Edited By VictorGrey

@nonfiction91: Who am I kidding!

*Pulls FN's walking stick and pokes her with it while laughing maniacally*

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deactivated-578ee3f81c5e1

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@VictorGrey: lol

*Pulls off his hat and sticks his foot in the door* would you be interested in reading my story and rating it?

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VictorGrey

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#3424  Edited By VictorGrey

@nonfiction91: A fan fic? or an RPG?

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deactivated-578ee3f81c5e1

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@VictorGrey said:

@nonfiction91: A fan fic? or an RPG?

Little of both I guess? It's what I put in my Surkit bio. its a page back near the top. Mainly the general and grunt is what I want rated.

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Feral Nova

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#3426  Edited By Feral Nova  Moderator

summum? O_o you damn whipper snapper and your unruly vocabulary! xP

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VictorGrey

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#3427  Edited By VictorGrey

@nonfiction91: Have you tried the this thread first? Because I really have zero experience ^_^

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deactivated-578ee3f81c5e1

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@Feral Nova: lol you old folks and your dated insults xP

Now I'll never tell you how to setup you dvd player *Throws a bunch of colored wires at feral nova and watches her struggle* XD

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Feral Nova

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#3429  Edited By Feral Nova  Moderator

too bad DVD was already set up while I was growing up! xP Go get lost trying to set up recording on a VHS! xD

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VictorGrey

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#3430  Edited By VictorGrey

@nonfiction91: ROFL!

*Helps her to carry a cereal box*

At your age... these are heavy...

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deactivated-578ee3f81c5e1

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@Feral Nova: Lol

*replaces all of FN's DVDs with VHS and watches her scratch her blue hair wondering if it's 1994*

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Naamah_Obyzouth

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@nonfiction91: ( I still own a Ton of VHS lol. )

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Surkit

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#3433  Edited By Surkit

@Naamah_Obyzouth: lol, me too but do You have...this one! *Holds up the sandlot,teenage mutant ninja turtles 3,surf ninjas, and power rangers the movie* xP

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Naamah_Obyzouth

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1. Sandlot. Yep.

2. TMNT 3. Nope.

Surf Ninjas. Nope.

Power Rangers. Yep.

I have TMNT 1 in 2.

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Surkit

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#3435  Edited By Surkit

@Naamah_Obyzouth: Wha?! How do you not own surf ninjas?! jk xD that and power rangers were those movies I'd watch over and over again as a kid.

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Naamah_Obyzouth

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@Surkit: I am a bit older than you luv. lol

I watched Ghost Busters when I was a child.

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Surkit

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#3437  Edited By Surkit

@Naamah_Obyzouth: ah, yeah I was an early 90's baby....I'd stillw atch ghostbusters and surf ninjas though :P

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Naamah_Obyzouth

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( Someone please Rate this... This format I am using is new, and I would like opinon's? )

Saturday April 21 2012. 7:00 PM.

Tenebrasque In HQ.

Iceland.

Naamah was delighted with herself. She savored the final few moments of her chauffeured ride by setting even more deeply into the downy-soft leather of the seats. It was high time she made an appropriate impression on the foot soldiers, and she knew tonight would be that time. "Why didn't you tell me we had arrived?" she demanded. There was no reply, of course. The chauffeur would be silly to do anything but accept the blame. Naamah noted that her car was parked before the elevator doors in the High Museum wing's underground garage. How long it had idled there, she did not know. And while she was irritated at first, she decided to withhold punishment because the time likely did her good. It couldn't hurt to hold clear in her mind some of the many plot threads that wound through this evening. Doubtless, she did not know them all, but the ones in her control would hopfully be woven a bit tighter before the night was done. Perhaps even knotted.

A moment later, the door nearest Naamah soundlessly swung open. The Contessa kicked one sandalled foot through the opening and slowly extended her paw aswell. Her hand was immediately accepted by a strong grip as one of the doormen helped her out of the car. Like her driver these were elves in her employ. Because they were living immortals, they thankfully did not suffer any of the sexual retardation of the vampires she used to use, which meant Naamah did not always have to work so hard. However, she paid them with sex and cash as well. She had cursed them however, without her body they would age and suffer all the weaknesses of the mortal form. Because they were not strong enough to take her body with force, she had absolute control over them. It made the sex boring, but she refused them more than an iota of free will because their proximity and intimacy to her meant anything more was too dangerous. In this she took lessons from Kin Dinijen an ex lover.

As the car pulled away, Naamah scanned the parking facilities. The amazingly wide variety of vehicles parked in the underground garage demonstrated in a snapshot the range of social strata of their guests. Her chauffeured Rolls silently backed into a space between two similarly ostentatious vehicles. One a great limo with driver waiting patiently within, and the other a sexy sports for a person of more solitary or adventurous nature. Only two off road, or sports utility, vehicles so favored by the rable rousers were evident. Fianlly, nested here and there about the garage were the pathetic vehicles of the foot soldiers. These lesser creatures were so recently recruited that they still possessed the automobiles of their normal lives. Either that, or employees had abandoned those sad clunkers.

"Send me up to the living room." she said, pirouetting gracefully on her heel to face the elves and the elevator they managed. "Of course, milady" said the one who had helped Naamah from her car. That was Felix, a handsome and musclar elf from Ireland, who held one elevater door open. "Has Kain arrived yet?" "No, milady." "Shadow?" "No,milady" Naamah nodded happily. She wondered were her borthers were and how they were doing. She asks,"What about Blair?" "She's here, milady." "And Lyn?" "Yes,she too, milady." Naamah smiles wickedly ass she thinks to herself "Just us girls are home for a change, I realy must make the most of this opportunity."

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CainPanell

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#3439  Edited By CainPanell

Could someone please give me a rating based on my recent blog post Vigilantes: Radar? I Just want to gauge where I'm at.

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Trinity00

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#3440  Edited By Trinity00

lol I'm a 0.00000000001

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CainPanell

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#3441  Edited By CainPanell

@Trinity00: You only are if you think that way

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_Sojourn_

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#3442  Edited By _Sojourn_

You all are great #paulaabdul

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Fuchsia_Nightingale

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@Naamah_Obyzouth: 5.3

@Slight: 5

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_Sojourn_

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#3444  Edited By _Sojourn_

@fusia- so sayeth you... So it is ; )

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Naamah_Obyzouth

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@Fuchsia_Nightingale: Thanks hun. ^__^

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Fuchsia_Nightingale

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@Slight: @Naamah_Obyzouth: Both welcome !

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Fuchsia_Nightingale

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The offices of Dr. Hilda Spooner, Child Psychologist.

Fussing around in a big, pleather armchair, greener then a fresh crayon, sat a little eleven year old girl, sweaty, with a pair of eyes, looking like they are somewhere else, far away from the tiny cramped quarters of the doctor woman’s office. Walls of burgundy, shiny grey file cabinets and almost dead ferns dominated that room. They felt like they were inching, inching closer with each passing tick of father time.

Thin fingers, dug deep into the arms of the chair.

A raspy voice, with a hint of agitation behind it, spoke again, to the young girl.

“Melissa….Melissa..Sweetie, you’re going to have to talk to me sometime.” The voice came from the doctor woman…Dr. Spooner. A tall, bony woman, in her late thirties, a new tan contrasted with her black power suit and hair. Dr. Spooner sat across from Melissa, note pad and pen ready. Leaning closer, gently placing a caring hand on Melissa’s shoulder. Melissa avoided eye contact, focused on the cartoon bees stitched to the yellow denim of her overalls.

“You’re going to have talk…about why your behavior is the way it is.”

“Why are you sad?”

“Why did you attack that boy? That was a very horrible thing to do.”

“Why did you try to drown him in mud?”

Melissa was stone faced…not a good sign in an elven year old. Dr. Spooner sighed, sat back and looked at Melissa, five years in, Hilda was still unnerved that kids could even go this far. She looked at her notes, new tactic.

“Who is Ms. Bunny...she sounds like a bad friend to me.”

Not a thing.

Dr. Spooner adjusted, and gave the notes another look.

“Melissa, listen. I don’t think your bad, you feel a lot of emotions the confuse you…scare you, anger you. You don’t know what to do.

“I know deep down you’re a good girl.” Dr. Spooner gave a warm, big sister reaching out smile, she really meant it.

Melissa’s tiny heart felt like it was melting, tears rolled down her cheeks, the words, the answers to all the doctor woman’s question started to build up courage, trying to burst out. But her ears hurt.

The sound of buzzing, busy bees, her eye looked at her clothes at the bees. Then the shiny cabinets started to rattle, the ferns vibrated, the walls were so close.

It all stopped, a head leaned close to Melissa’s ear, long black hair hid most of it, but it is hard to miss the odd facial structure, the pink nose, buck teeth…the rabbit ears. It started to whisper.

Melissa’s gentle but waterlogged; eyes stared to side table, to the letter open in the middle, then to the doctor writing away on her pad.

Cleveland now.

The wild orange color from the flames of the garbage painted the small area where Harlequin was sitting, zoned out, just coming of the Tower of Terror that is her mind. Harlequin shook it off, her black peepers blinked repeatedly. The sensation of gravel and fragments of a beer bottle scraped her bottom as she sat up.

Louis and Wayne, surprised and a little aroused by the fact the Harlequin hand no underwear on.

“You have been precious vagabonds.” The Heartland Harlequin stated

“A Merry go round of fun.”

“…but I’d leave town as soon as I can.”

“Tonight is just not the night for innocent bystanders.”

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_Hawk_

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#3448  Edited By _Hawk_

@Fuchsia_Nightingale: 4 ....There is a serious over use of commas in that post. It is hard to judge the theme of the writing since it is obviously an exert of a larger themed post. Though I would like a more "hard" open and close. It seems to float out there with no real end to the post. I feel like I am waiting for the next line in the conversation.

@Naamah_Obyzouth: I'm gonna be real blunt cause I think that's the best way to improve. So please don't take this as an attack on you or your writing in general. Now: That is one of the most boring posts I've ever read. Sorry, It just really went no where. For me a post needs to be introspective or more the character......this really did neither. Maybe in the whole of the RPG it makes since but I didn't feel this one. I'm only saying this cause I have read other things by you and know how well you can write and the potential you have. Sorry for being harsh.

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shanana

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#3449  Edited By shanana

@_Hawk_: O_O

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Richard Wolfe

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#3450  Edited By Richard Wolfe

@Ziccarra_Liafador: .....that's what I do and everyone knows it.