‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house…
No, wait, wrong holiday. My bad, let’s start over again.
‘Twas the night of Thanksgiving, and ‘round table long,
Icarusflies had dragged all her alts along
To celebrate with gratuitous food and thanksgiving
The miraculous off chance that they were still living.
And now Icarus tired of rhyme
Because it took up way too much valuable time.
The table stretched off into the distance, and even if she squinted Icarus couldn’t really see the end. It didn’t matter anyway…the far end of the table was where all the lame alts had to sit. They didn’t even get decent dessert; it was probably all year-old fruitcake down there anyway. All the good stuff was up here near Icarus, which is where the characters that mattered were gathered. Now Icarus stood, banging a fork against a Batman tumbler. “ALRIGHT SETTLE DOWN!” The room promptly hushed. “Excellent! Before we begin, it’s time to go around the table and say what we’re all thankful for. Clemy do you want to start us off?” Clementine poked her head out of the turkey. She was dressed as a turkey. Around her were gathered the rest of the Pet Lantern Corps, who were in pilgrim costumes. <<FUD>> chorused the pets, and swarmed off down the table leaving a trail of devastation in their wakes. “Aww, that’s adorable!” Icarus crooned;
“Who’s next? Portrait?” Portrait looked up from her mashed potato sculpture. “Huh, what? Oh, um, I’m thankful for Dorian Gray still burning in Hell.” Icarus was silent. “Yes well…uh…Icarusthat’snotme, what are you thankful for?”
Julius de Flamme stopped toying with the single piece of turkey on his plate. “Julius. It’s Julius. And I’m grateful that you haven’t turned me back into a murderous maniac yet.” Icarus coughed. “Yes, well, that plan fell through and I haven’t had time to come up with anything new yet.” Julius dropped his fork.
“And Fractal! Mr. Sebastian Calamity, what are you thankful for?” Fractal looked at Icarus blankly. “This isn’t what the first Thanksgiving was like, I was there.” Icarus didn’t drop her insane grin. “No you weren’t! You were retconned so you’re not that old, now say what you’re thankful for” Fractal shrugged, and put his elbows on the table. “Randolph Carter I guess, only friend I ever had.” “Fractal, that is a total lie, you have AT LEAST two other friends, and what about your wif---oh, wait, she’s dead. Whoops. Carry on!”
“Mortality!” Mortality stopped sticking peas up his nose. “I’m not even going to ask why you’re doing that Mort. But what are you thankful for?” Mortality sniffed. “Uh…it looks like maybe I’m not stuck in quantum limbo anymore? IDK, maybe I’m just thankful for eggnog.” He sneezed, and peas flew everywhere. “Ew…that’s gross Mort. Ooh, Premonition! What are you thankful for?”
Premonition was just sitting there sullenly. “I SHOULD be eating dinner at the White House, but noooo! I have to be in this dump with a bunch of Looney Tunes. When I rule the world this will all be different…” He started mumbling under his breath. “So Premonition is thankful for being president, that’s fair. Enjoy it while you can Premo….hehehe…Io, what have you go to say?”
Io stopped his siege on Portrait’s mashed potato castle (he was using a pea catapult). “The Wii U. I am thankful for the Wii U, and I will play Mario Kart on it until my arms fall off. Mort, fire the machine gun!” Icarus stared on in disbelief. “That…that explains the peas. And Io, you don’t want to joke about losing your arms.” She winked evilly. “But you’re such an adorable Russian, I’m sure not TOO many horrible things will happen to you this year…maybe…in comparison…uh…enjoy your Wii U Io! Starheart?”
Starheart stuck its head out of the kitchen, where it was in charge of cooking the copious quantities of food. “I am thankful that I have to put up with this outrage for about a century, give or take some” Icarus was silent for a moment. “I’m taking you with me,” she whispered, eyeing the sentient star. “SOLENOID SPIN!”
A mass of turkey, gravy, cranberry sauce, and mashed potatoes stirred. “PUDDING!” it shrieked, then spun around, spattering the spilled food everywhere. “Of course…why did I even ask? Salamander?”
“I’m pretty sure I’m lying dead somewhere, you didn’t even have the decency to let me die on panel” the young lizard-man mumbled. “I guess I’m thankful that I don’t have to put up with your shenanigans anymore.” Icarus laughed, and patted Salamander’s shoulder. “Oh, you’re not dead yet…there’s still much in store for you.” Salamander put his head down on the table. “There is no god….” From further down the table, Ethereal Murk shouted, “THERE’S NOT ANYTHING YOU DUMMY! IT’S ALL MEANINGLESS!”
“Wait your turn Caroline! Ooh, Ultimate Polaroid, you’re next!” The serial killer stopped Instagramming his food. “My only appearances were literally my getting brutally murdered….twice. And that second time you left me being dragged under a city, what could I possibly be thankful for?” he caught Icarus’ glare. “Instagram…I’m thankful for Instagram…” he muttered, cowering. “Good. Meteorite?”
“WWE.” She said, putting Polaroid into an armlock. “YEAH! Go Meteorite!” Icarus cheered. She let _sLeNdErMaN__ do his own thing…no one wanted to mess with Slenderman.
“Zem, we know you’re thankful for everything, and we do NOT want a rendition of the Mattress song. That goes for all of you Zems, I do not want to hear ONE PEEP out of any of you. Or so help me, I will call upon the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Raal to eat you.”
Algernon the Ghoul was gnawing on a turkey. Icarus pet him on the head. “You can’t talk, but I know you’re going to thank me for assuming that your entire race was wiped out in the aftermath of Dream-Quest to Unknown Kadath. You’re welcome Algernon.” The ghoul whimpered. “Um who’s next, who’s next…ooh, Masquerade!”
The young Japanese hero leapt up at the mention of his name. “I am thankful that I got to be included in this magnificent event!” The nearby alts gave each other meaningful glances…the poor hero didn’t realize that it was a poor idea to be happy in front of Icarus. She had terrible, terrible fates planned for them all. “You know it Masque! I WAS going to kill you, but you can stick around a little longer…that RP fell through anyway, and your bros didn’t really want to be the new Masquerade.” The young hero fell to the floor in shock.
“Hansel, you’re not allowed to talk, part of the court ruling…um…oh. Uh…Ubik. What…what do you have to say?”
He smiled, and time slipped between his teeth. “It’s wonderful to be here. I’m thankful for Oracular Inc, and the wonderful opportunities they have provided for me.” Icarus wasn’t listening, she had already run off down the table.
“Where’s MO? Oh…” Icarus lifted up the tablecloth, where Midnight Orchid was hiding. “What are you thankful for MO?” Midnight Orchid hissed. “The rise of the Man Made Gods and the new Clockwork World”. Icarus dropped the tablecloth. “Yeah, okay. Whatever.” She passed by a bunch of alts that had faded into obscurity, and rounded the other side of the table.
Daedalus had vanished from his spot, and was back near the head of the table trying to take Julius’ plate. Icarus didn’t want to deal with him right now, so she moved on to Afterimage, who was pulling on one side of a drumstick. Clementine held the other one, and was growling. “Hey AI! What’re you thankful for?” The guinea pig took a few steps backward, almost yanking the turkey leg away from the speedster. “Food. I’m with the ‘pigs on this one.” Afterimage said, and went back to her tug-of-war. All of a sudden Clementine yanked the drumstick free and rapidly dragged it down the table.
Ultimate Portrait was staring in awe at her normal-universe self (who had sent up tiny painted dragons to protect Mashed Potato Fortress). “Is that me? I’m thankful for that, she’s AWESOME” Ult Portrait said. “I’m glad to hear it, since I think only one of you can live” Icarus said nonchalantly.
“Now then, Ethereal Murk, what are you thankful for?” The girl was staring glumly at her food. “Nothing. The universe is meaningless, and thus there is nothing to be thankful for. I am thankful for that nothing.” Icarus rolled her eyes. “Nihilists SUCK.” She muttered.
DragonflyBoy was noisily demolishing an ear of corn. “Heeeey, DFB!” He looked up, wiping his mandibles. “Uh…why did I have to come all the way here I mean…my parents kinda had dinner all planned out an’ my grandparents had come all the way from the Midwest.” Icarus frowned at him. “Because I said so. Now what are you thankful for?” DragonflyBoy looked around. “My parents. Everyone else’s seem to be dead, why is that? I’m just happy that mine aren’t.” Icarus patted him on the back. “They’re not dead YET DFB, there’s still time.” She walked off whistling.
“Well,” said John G – Icarus put her hand over his mouth. “Hey. You are a secret. People can’t know who you are yet. Keep quiet or you will regret it. Now eat your turkey or something, and don’t let people know you exist. Same goes for the rest of you” Icarus gestured at John’s tablemates. “And you” she pointed to a few others. “Keep it hush-hush.”
“Ah, Herbert West!” Herbert hid a syringe behind his back. “I was not reanimating the turkey. You didn’t see anything” Icarus laughed. “Herbert, Herbert, Herbert…well, what are you thankful for?” Herbert hung his head. “Jeffrey Combs” he whispered. “He is an absolutely perfect person.” Icarus clapped her hands. “And since no one is going to top that, I declare this Thanksgiving…WON! Good job guys, now enjoy this time when no one is trying to kill anyone else to relax a little.”
Twas the night of Thanksgiving, and all ‘round the table
Icarus’ alts sat in mortal terror of their creator who was obviously…wait! It looks like Icarus wasn’t quite done.
“I forgot to say what I was thankful for! Well, I’m thankful for each and every one of you. I love you guys”
Twas the night of Thanksgiving and all ‘round the table
Icarusflies hugged each and every alt that she was able.