@rulerofthisuniverse said:
Man receives superpowers that have a horrifying side-effect.
Told from the perspective of the man.
I went ahead and made it funny and I actually think this one is funny: @curlyinsaneguy@pokeysteve
He walked in in a white lab coat with that look cashiers give you when they’re almost off work and you have a huge order. I thought he was a dick immediately. Ironic.
“Okaayyy. Mr. Bates, I’m Dr. Shelby. How are ya?”
“Not too good, actually”
“Well that makes sense. Otherwise this would be a waste of both our time. hahahaha” he even laughed like a dick…and what a dickish thing to say.
“Heh. Yeah…” He looks down at his chart.
“…So. You’re a meta, obviously, codename, Agent Sponge. Energy absorber?”
“Not exactly. I can literally absorb projectiles. They use me for dangerous missions that they deem are too risky for normal squadrons. Usually recovery missions or they use me to clear an area.” God I don’t like this guy. He writes notes on me like I’m some kind of government experi—shit.
“I see. Nurse said you reported having some trouble in your groin area?”
“Yeah. That’s why I’m here…you see, the way my powers work…well…I absorb a bullet right?”
“Yeah…”
“Well, eventually, I pass it in my urine.”
“Okay…”
“I used to be able to break the bullets down to where I just passed them without noticing but over the past few months, they were breaking down less and less until they just started coming out of me the same way they went in me.”
“Wait, so you’re—you’ve been urinating whole bullets?”
“Yes”
“…..” Oh that’s reassuring
“Jesus…”
“well…?”
“uuuhhh….you think you could possibly get me a urine sample so I can see what I’m dealing with?”
“What? Don’t you deal with this type of stuff on a regular basis?!”
“Well no two metagenetics manifest the same way. Honestly I’ve never had to treat someone who urinates bullets so, I’m sorry, but I’m gonna need a urine sample.”
“….The last thing I got shot with was a 50 cal sniper…” And this guy looks at me with a freaking Kaye West Shrug and for a moment I actually think about fighting him.
In the hospital bathroom, which always manages to smell like someone just pissed pure ammonia, I stand over the pee-cup and…well…normally I’d try to think of a clever metaphor like pissing a 50 cal bullet out of your wiener but it just so happens I’m pissing a 50 cal bullet out of my wiener so you’ll excuse my lack of creativity…..On second thought, Imagine you’re putting anew washing machine in your house but the old one was there so long that the water line has a buildup of lime and rust on it so you grab pliers and twist super hard until you get it off only to find that you stripped the thread. Then you have an idea of how it feels to piss a 50 cal bullet out of your wiener. I go back into the room and I have nothing but anger in my heart for women who complain about giving birth because they have no idea what real pain is. Then the diagnosis was the killing joke. I need more amino acids. I’d have been cool If I kept eating fish. FML.
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