What's the funniest and most awkward thing you've ever heard?

Try to stay away from sex jokes. So what's the most awkward yet funny thing anyone's ever said to you?

Friend: I liked Gwen Stacy so much in the new Spider-Man movie.

Me: Yes it was a shame what happened to her in the comics...

Friend: Dude don't spoil for me!!!

Me: >__>

Friend: I saw this picture on internet of a Canadian water buffalo sh!tting out of it's d!ck.......and I was so happy.

Me: ...........

Funniest : That new Green Lantern movie was awesome.

Awkward : Would you kill your family for $1,000,000,000?

@YourNeighborhoodComicGeek said:

Funniest : That new Green Lantern movie was awesome.

Awkward : Would you kill your family for $1,000,000,000?

That IS awkward.

dumb a$§ chick in my former school class: How does a black person's (actually she didn't say black person but the N-word) skin feel like? I have a friend who shaked hands with a black man (she used the N-word again) and he said that their skin feels like leather.

ok i got this in the bag

my friend walks into our room via our shared bathroom without knocking

friend: hey guys

me + roommate: hi morris

our friend goes on and on about the living condition we had to endure at job corps and at the end of his rant he says and i quote 'I AM NOT A CHICKEN, I AM A ROOSTER!' then he leaves go to his room.

me and my friend looked at each look at each other and started laughing. to this day we call him rooster

One that comes to mind, this was back in 2008 when Dark Knight was released.

Friend says at the end of the movie: "So whos Gotham?"

Me, one of my big sisters and one of my big bros was at our sister's apartment one day. My bro says to my sister that her dog is the devil or some sh!t and that when the time came he was going to kill it.

@krilling: Wow. What a moron.

@logy5000: Yeah she was kind of special..

@krilling: I show no surprise :D But the guy that was talking in MY quote was his own kind of special as well.

In 6th grade, I was just standing there, and then an African-American girl turned around and said "Hi" before giving me a hug.

I was like WTF?!

You'd have to know my 12th grade Bio teacher, but out of context they're pretty good. We started writing them down; he said all these and many more verbatim:

"...like drinking nitroglycerin in 1974"

"People will start having sex with computers. Like, cyborg babies."

"...and its raining whale poop!"

"Human females have breast so nursing babies don't suffocate on boobie and milk..." (Actually, its true in terms of biology)

(To a student) "{So, you're suggesting that} we should build a bridge from Mexico to Canada so all the Mexicans can just skip along....?"

"We should get matching rain ponchos!"

And somehow our class average on the AP exam was a 3.5/5....

A hobo walked passed me saying, "He was bit by a rat while eating an e-coli sandwich..."

A girl walked by and said, "It was a good thing that toilet seat was open because I was charging..."

Those both happened in the same day.

@KnightRise said:

You'd have to know my 12th grade Bio teacher, but out of context they're pretty good. We started writing them down; he said all these and many more verbatim:

"...like drinking nitroglycerin in 1974"

"People will start having sex with computers. Like, cyborg babies."

"...and its raining whale poop!"

"Human females have breast so nursing babies don't suffocate on boobie and milk..." (Actually, its true in terms of biology)

(To a student) "{So, you're suggesting that} we should build a bridge from Mexico to Canada so all the Mexicans can just skip along....?"

"We should get matching rain ponchos!"

And somehow our class average on the AP exam was a 3.5/5....

I think I love your teacher. Especially for the quote I highlighted

Me and my 6yo sister was looking at the book and we saw a graffiti with little horns and stuff and she said " look it's a graffiti with horns, it a horny graffiti " but i held in my laugh beacuse my granny was watching lol

@logy5000: Ha. Seems like someone with a joie de vivre.

I went to the break room after I clocked out for lunch and out of nowhere my co-worker (that I had a crush on) asked in front of everyone, "Do you have a hairy chest?" She started sweating and I couldn't think of anything to say, so I rushed outside for five cigarettes.

I was at a party last year when some girl my friend invited was complaining about the lack of music to which he replied, "Music ruins the intimacy of conversation, b!tch!"

"Did you know whales rape? Cause it's true, whales rape.''- Kristen Bell

Heard this at the mall some years back... I sh*t you not.

Translated cause it was in Filipino.

Guy: I'm sorry. She's just a crush. I swear.

Girl: No! You're having an affair with her. I will never forgive you!

Guy: How can I have an affair with her? She dumped me yesterday!

@jobiwankenobi: Cool avatar.

@The Stegman: Wow. Just wow.

@umbrafeline:Laughing

@joewell: Laughing out loud

@The Stegman: What

A girl in my class asked me this:

Girl: How do black people wash their hair?

Me: With shampoo the same as you.

@Ms. Omega: Seems like black people are pretty misunderstood.

@logy5000: It actually caught me off guard I guess I was the first black person she ever saw or the closest one in the room I guess.

@Ms. Omega: it's kind of a no-brainer though. I mean, what else would you wash your hair with?

@logy5000: That's what I was thinking.

I know TC said to avoid sex jokes but this one is just so recent in my head I just have to post it. Basically friend 2 wanted to reply with a comment on how no one cares by using the same format of words while doing something jokingly as his choice of action to show that indeed no one cared.

~Facebook moments~

Friend 1: Off to work peoples

Friend 2: Off to masturbate peoples

~A few minutes later~

Friend 2: Off to masturbate, peoples. <edited 3 minutes ago>

I remember talking about Red Dead Redemption and the Undead Nightmare DLC, this is pretty much what I said out loud at the time lol.

Me: Yeah I went up the mountains and there was this French prostitute there.

Friend: Oh was there?

Me: Yeah then I shot her in the face.

Friend: Oh...

Then I realised that the whole library was silent and just awkwardly staring at us...

Oh, Calvin and Hobbes too. That has a lot of good quotes. Like this:

Calvin: There's a new girl in my class.

Hobbes: Is she pretty?

Calvin: No. Oh! Look right there, that's where she is.

*Susie walks by*

Calvin: Hey Susie Derkins! Is that your face, or is a possum stuck in your collar? I hope you suffer a debilitating brain aneurysm, you freak!

@terry2012 said:

@umbrafeline:Laughing

you had to been there to experience it lol

@umbrafeline: I know

@Imagine_Man15 said:

@KnightRise said:

You'd have to know my 12th grade Bio teacher, but out of context they're pretty good. We started writing them down; he said all these and many more verbatim:

"...like drinking nitroglycerin in 1974"

"People will start having sex with computers. Like, cyborg babies."

"...and its raining whale poop!"

"Human females have breast so nursing babies don't suffocate on boobie and milk..." (Actually, its true in terms of biology)

(To a student) "{So, you're suggesting that} we should build a bridge from Mexico to Canada so all the Mexicans can just skip along....?"

"We should get matching rain ponchos!"

And somehow our class average on the AP exam was a 3.5/5....

I think I love your teacher. Especially for the quote I highlighted

This were from my 11th grade Physics teacher; again, word for word:

(Student says "graphs are gay") "No, thats a stereotype. Gay people hate graphs. But the Irish, oh, the Irish love graphs...so if you hate graphs, you're probably gay. And definitely not Irish."

Yes, both of these were Advanced Placement teachers.

@JohnnyGat said:

I know TC said to avoid sex jokes but this one is just so recent in my head I just have to post it. Basically friend 2 wanted to reply with a comment on how no one cares by using the same format of words while doing something jokingly as his choice of action to show that indeed no one cared.

~Facebook moments~

Friend 1: Off to work peoples

Friend 2: Off to masturbate peoples

~A few minutes later~

Friend 2: Off to masturbate, peoples. <edited 3 minutes ago>

LOLWUT?!?

"Cheri mai gudi"

Don't ask...

@CaioTrubat said:

@JohnnyGat said:

I know TC said to avoid sex jokes but this one is just so recent in my head I just have to post it. Basically friend 2 wanted to reply with a comment on how no one cares by using the same format of words while doing something jokingly as his choice of action to show that indeed no one cared.

~Facebook moments~

Friend 1: Off to work peoples

Friend 2: Off to masturbate peoples

~A few minutes later~

Friend 2: Off to masturbate, peoples. <edited 3 minutes ago>

LOLWUT?!?

the importance of a comma