Thoughts on women who stay with abusive men?

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Fallingcliffs

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#1  Edited By Fallingcliffs

So had a debate with my mother and one of my friends about this other day. My friend took a more neutral/could understand both sides stance, while my mother took the opposing stance of mine.

Pretty much this spawned from the recent case with Rice in the NFL and them covering it up and such. But that has it's own topic. As I was saying though, how do you guys and girls feel on here about it?

My mother feels (and mind you she's very oldschool so keep that in mind) that no woman should be abused, and perhaps they stay with that nasty abuser out offear. I agree on nobody should be abused, however if you purposely choose to stay with that person aren't you in a way asking for it? Not saying you WANT it but you know this person, you choose to stay with this person. I don't know...this way she leaves him, gets a restraining order, that don't work get a gun and shoot him? Self defense right? May sound like a lot of effort but can't be any more than staying in a horrible relationship and getting abused for years you know?

I personally happen to think that's not always true, I mean I used to work with a girl who was in an abusive relationship would always flirt with me and give me the "oh I'd so go for you if I didn't have a boyfriend" meanwhile, this guy hit her, verbally abused her. She felt trapped because she lived with him and his folks(who hooked her up with my job) we all worked in the same building. So I guess in her case to a degree at least I can see how that would be a rough case. However, the guy also cheated on her and such. Yet, she'd preach how "she loved him etc" after a while not to sound mean but this just annoys me. Not only as a nicer fellow to women, but just seems like an excuse to not break free from someone like that.

I mean there are other options to me, this is where I disagree with my mother. Make friends with other guys(I mean actual guy friends who will help you) if another guy is in their face they may think twice before stalking you or not letting you go. B. get a gun legally(ok I know this depends on the state, laws etc where you are) but this is possible in a lot of areas via legal permits. It may sound extreme but if I were a girl, I'd consider this instead of living my life in fear and being miserable...C. engage with authorities, bug them til they actually do something about it. I believe they're also a big cause for this issue as well. I mean they give you the "we'll look into it blah, blah" story. I'm just saying, if at times the cops did their job better or took more interest at least we'd have a lot less cases of "taking the law into your own hands"

Then there's the classic case of "oh but I love him" even after you've been physically abused, verbally abused and mistreated for God knows how long. I'm really sorry, and I told my mom this too but those people to me I want to say something else but I'll just say "aren't too bright" I mean in life there are things both in our control and out of our control, this is one thing IN our control be it girl or guy. I've been in a few crazy relationships and even had a stalker once/crazy girl who wanted to marry me even though I knew her under a month. lol. After I broke it off as best I could, she kept calling and calling. But not going to go into that *laughs* my point is I just don't understand people who stay in abusive relationships then complain about it. To me it's like, well you made your bed now sleep in it.

This is just my opinion, tell me yours.

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magnablue

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i say we kill the abusers

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Dragonborn_CT

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Domestic abusers need to be crucified.

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Wolverine008

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#4  Edited By Wolverine008
No Caption Provided

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laflux

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MonsterStomp

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Women who stay in an abusive relationship are either stupid or scared.

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Knightsofdarkness2

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Inb4 this thread turns into Battle Forum 2.0.

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Spidey_Jackson

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#8  Edited By Spidey_Jackson

Personally, i don't understand it. But i'm not a woman, nor have i ever been put in that situation.

Beata

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Fallingcliffs

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@knightsofdarkness2: Geez, I sure hope not dude. Just genuinely want to hear various views on here. Especially from the female users cause I mean I've worked with girls who insisted on staying in those kinds of relationships. I even remember once that girl I worked with, her BF was grilling me and then when we went to clean up from work. He yelled at her she told me the next day he was mad she was talking to me "he's like who the hell is that guy you're talking to for 20 minutes over there!?" lol like really? I mean damn dude, I thought I was insecure.

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Wolverine008

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#10  Edited By Wolverine008

Women who stay in an abusive relationship are either stupid or scared.

It really tends to fall overwhelmingly in the fear factor.

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MonsterStomp

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@monsterstomp said:

Women who stay in an abusive relationship are either stupid or scared.

It really tends to fall overwhelmingly in the fear factor.

I know, foo.

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Wolverine008

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@wolverine08 said:

@monsterstomp said:

Women who stay in an abusive relationship are either stupid or scared.

It really tends to fall overwhelmingly in the fear factor.

I know, foo.

Naw, you need Wolverine08 to educate ya.

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Cream_God

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Some cant leave, in some cases their spouse is a complete psychopath and would hunt them down and inflect a lot of harm to them, in those cases they need to contact witness protection

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DBVSE7

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Like people who do things from Cutting to commit suicide it's hard to actually feel bad for someone who chooses to do that.

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deactivated-5fbfd5d291164

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True story: My mother was dating this dude who used to beat the crap out of her. So she left him. Three months later he was a pastor.

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Emperorb777

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Any man or women who stays in a abusive relationship is an idiot.

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legacy6364

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#18  Edited By legacy6364

I don't like to judge other people, but at the same time I believe in choice.

What someone chooses to do is not my business.

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Pharoh_Atem

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. . .

No comment.

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Twix_Right_Side

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#20  Edited By Twix_Right_Side

Is it really so simple as "anyone who chooses to stay is an (insert disgusting insult)"?

Isn't there a lot more to it than people are making it seem?

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Wolverine008

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Is it really so simple as "anyone who chooses to stay is an (insert disgusting insult)"?

Isn't there a lot more to it than people are making it seem?

Yeah, there is a lot more to it. The people dumbing down the situation to the abused person just being stupid, etc. are either completely stupid themselves or don't really know jack about domestic violence.

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deactivated-5fbfd5d291164

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@immortal777: That's over simplifying a multitude of situations, dontbyou think?

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Twix_Right_Side

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#23  Edited By Twix_Right_Side

@twix_right_side said:

Is it really so simple as "anyone who chooses to stay is an (insert disgusting insult)"?

Isn't there a lot more to it than people are making it seem?

Yeah, there is a lot more to it. The people dumbing down the situation to the abused person just being stupid, etc. are either completely stupid themselves or don't really know jack about domestic violence.

Thank you,dude. I thought I was going freaking crazy or something because I know for a fact that it's not as black/white as some people are making it seem.

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Emperorb777

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@dagmar_merrill: No I don't, my father is an abuser and all the women who get swith him know he is, that's stupid. I'm not going to make excuses for these individuals like the rest of you will.

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DBVSE7

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#25  Edited By DBVSE7

@dagmar_merrill: No he's right.. You have 0 brain cells if you stay with an abuser.. The abuse is probably explains the lack of brain cells in smh.

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Fallingcliffs

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#26  Edited By Fallingcliffs

True story: My mother was dating this dude who used to beat the crap out of her. So she left him. Three months later he was a pastor.

Wow. That's interesting. How often does that happen huh? Definitely a rare outcome I'm sure.

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Wolverine008

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@dagmar_merrill: No I don't, my father is an abuser and all the women who get swith him know he is, that's stupid. I'm not going to make excuses for these individuals like the rest of you will.

Abusive relationships don't all function like your father's, y'know. Just because the women whom dated your father knew he was an abuser, doesn't mean that's the same for every other single relationship. Abusive relationships often don't even start off abusive. It's not making excuses so much as it is not making macho open ended comments judging people.

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JulieDC

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#28  Edited By JulieDC

I prefer not to pass judgement on women in abused relationships because the situation is not as easy or simple as we make it out to be. If life in an abused relationship is anything like suffering depression and other mental illnesses, it can be quite crippling emotionally and even worse if one lacks any support system.

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deactivated-5edd330f57b65

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It's called love.

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Deathstroke02

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#30  Edited By Deathstroke02

They should punch the abuser in the d*ck.

LMAO.

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the_tree

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Saw this video about a year ago and found it pretty enlightening.

Loading Video...

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nefarious

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Its almost like wives are slaves to their husbands. Its sad.

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deactivated-5fbfd5d291164

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@immortal777: Yeah, except you're not really thinking that some situations with abuse in then are completely different. Sometimes it makes a hell of a lot more sense to stay with someone who's abusing you and that's not stupid. Would you rather people go to abused women shelters? Because as someone who's lived in one I'll tell you now they kind of suck.

People also, you know, change. Tensions rise and people make mistakes. There is not a simple "Everyone's ____" because this IS a complex question with a lot of variables, blanket answers won't work.

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Avenging-X-Bolt

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It often depends on the situation. It's almost never as simple as we like to make it out.

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deactivated-5fbfd5d291164

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deactivated-5fbfd5d291164

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DBVSE7

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@dagmar_merrill: The main point yes Women who stay in an abusive relationship are dumb..

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deactivated-5fbfd5d291164

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Twix_Right_Side

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@dbvse7 said:

@dagmar_merrill: The main point yes Women who stay in an abusive relationship are dumb..

Um....why,if you don't mind me asking?

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DBVSE7

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@twix_right_side: @dagmar_merrill:

What kind of intelligent person.. would have, and keep a relationship with someone who constantly beat the crap out of them showing no remorse for it and couldn't care less about who he does it infront of or why he's does it?

Please entertain me..

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Emperorb777

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@immortal777 said:

@dagmar_merrill: No I don't, my father is an abuser and all the women who get swith him know he is, that's stupid. I'm not going to make excuses for these individuals like the rest of you will.

Abusive relationships don't all function like your father's, y'know. Just because the women whom dated your father knew he was an abuser, doesn't mean that's the same for every other single relationship. Abusive relationships often don't even start off abusive. It's not making excuses so much as it is not making macho open ended comments judging people.

Yea it's called an example point to where I said it's the same for everyone? Adults need to take responsibility for their own actions, the individual being abused makes a choice to stay, not get help or acknowledge there is a problem.

Just because my opinion on a subject isn't liked by you or is different from yours doesn't mean there is a reason to call it some macho comment or anyone's comment it only shows you being close minded and not open to different views.

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deactivated-5fbfd5d291164

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Yeah, I'm done with this thread. I don't see it ending well for myself if I continue. Have fun folks.

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OverLordArhas

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@monsterstomp said:

Women who stay in an abusive relationship are either stupid or scared.

It really tends to fall overwhelmingly in the fear factor.

Fear is a factor definitely and you must also factor in the feeling of inadequacy and low self-esteem.

Women who stayed in this kind of relationships are either broken or have low self worth.

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Erik

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Twix_Right_Side

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#45  Edited By Twix_Right_Side

@dagmar_merrill said:

Yeah, I'm done with this thread. I don't see it ending well for myself if I continue. Have fun folks.

My sentiments exactly^

And people call me crazy for giving up on humanity.....

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DBVSE7

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Fear or not it's still a choice.

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Jmarshmallow

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It's usually just fear or plain idiocy, but there are times when they have legitimate reasons.

Nothing is so cut and dry when it comes to an issue like this.

Jmarshmallow

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Cave_Duck

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Fear plays a huge part in why people stay in abusive relationships, but another part of it is people are creatures of habit.

Think about how many people stay in jobs that they hate, that are dead-end with no prospect of getting better. They could go looking for another job, but they don't- because they figure "better the devil you know".

How many people can't stand whatever politician/political party runs their town/state/country but don't bother voting for their replacement?

Or just put up with a bully at school/work/neighbourhood/sporting team/ anywhere? They figure "if I just keep my head down for the day, they might ignore me." That is the mindset for a lot of people who stay in an abusive relationship.

The logical part of us tells us that things won't change on their own, but an awful lot of the time most of us choose to ignore the logical part and just hope that things may get better if I keep doing what I'm doing.

If you take a step back and look at the situation it's blindingly obvious how easy it is too fix. But while they are in the middle of it they lack the perspective to be able to figure it out.

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Wolverine008

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Yeah, I'm done with this thread. I don't see it ending well for myself if I continue. Have fun folks.

Yeah, more or less for me.

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Emperorb777

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@immortal777: Yeah, except you're not really thinking that some situations with abuse in then are completely different. Sometimes it makes a hell of a lot more sense to stay with someone who's abusing you and that's not stupid. Would you rather people go to abused women shelters? Because as someone who's lived in one I'll tell you now they kind of suck.

People also, you know, change. Tensions rise and people make mistakes. There is not a simple "Everyone's ____" because this IS a complex question with a lot of variables, blanket answers won't work.

Abuse is abuse whether its verbal or physical but a person chooses to take that abuse. That make no sense at all in no way does it make more sense to stay with someone kicking your a$$ day in and day out. I guess since I'm a pure logical thinker so I don't see the emotional portion don't want to see it either. I don't care what the woman decides to do after leaving the relationship that's her choice, she could go get into another abusive relationship if she feels that's smart and I wouldn't bat an eyelash.

People just like to over complicate things. You feel it's complex I don't we have a different opinion on the subject and that won't change.