I think the reason this is so sensitive is because a lot of it actually boils down to how willing folks are to actually accept the concept of transgender. The only reason you would feel lied to and/or want the issue to be brought up is if you view a trans*female, say, as different in some way from a cis*female. And I think there are definitely people who will never be able to view them as entirely the same; there are people who will still think of a trans*female as still being male because they were born genetically as a male, and if those people are straight males, that immediately kills the attraction.
So like I said, it becomes sensitive. At the end of the day when I have to answer why I wouldn't date a trans woman, the only real answer that makes sense is that deep down, at least some part of me, however small, doesn't actually see her as being a "real" woman. Which means that despite how hard I endeavor to act otherwise, there is still something in me that rejects the concept of transgender. And that is not me trying to cast a judgment, that's simply me looking within myself, analyzing my feelings and motivations, and being unable to come up with an alternative explanation. If I really considered her a woman, there'd be no reason for me, as a straight guy, to object to dating her; so I must not consider her one, even if I think I do or want to be able to.
That provides a quandary. A trans*female does not consider herself male in any way. She's not hiding anything or being dishonest because she's a female. She just is. For her to bring it up, in a way, undermines the validity of her identity because it forces her to cater to the views of people who reject that she actually is a female. Saying "I'm trans" is something along the lines of saying "I'm a woman, but not everyone would actually agree with that." It weakens the stance. She does not identify as trans. She identifies as a female. At least, this has been my understanding. Asking her to tell you what kind of female, or how long she's officially been female, diminishes her claim to femininity.
At the same time, her partner, if he or she rejects (like I said, even if it's just on an instinctual, intractable level that can't really be helped) the notion that a trans*female is the same as a cis*female, then he or she will want to know that prior to making a decision to become romantically involved. So you have a situation where the trans person does not even feel like they are saying or doing anything irregular, but the other person may perceive it as deception (not necessarily malicious -- sure, caution, fear, doubt, etc. may and often are very real motivators for not being upfront about it). Ultimately, however, I think a successful relationship will require that the partner be the sort for whom the difference is either not acknowledged or is negligible, and knowing the partner's stance does require the subject being brought up eventually. I'm of the mindset that sooner rather than later is better, if only because any factor in a relationship which someone knows is likely to make or break that relationship should probably be introduced early on. As someone said earlier, relationships are founded on trust, and a thing which some people may consider a breach of trust if withheld is, fair or not, probably better not withheld for long.
Log in to comment