#1 Posted by Gambit1024 (9890 posts) - - Show Bio

Hiya. About a month ago (maybe longer) I came to CV with a problem concerning some family members. For the sake of safety from embarassment, I will be calling them Gary, Liz, and Kendra.

Here's some brief history, as a) I can't find the link to the OP, and b) to get you caught up.:

  • Kendra is Gary's daughter. Liz is Gary's girlfriend.
  • Liz got Kendra a job.
  • Apparently Liz wasn't good at her job as a manager.
  • Kendra got involved with some higher-ups in some sort of conspiracy to get Liz either fired or transferred.
  • Kendra was forced to call corporate on Liz. She was forced to do so by a higher-up, so she couldn't refuse.
  • Liz got fired and cried to Gary.
  • Gary found out Kendra basically struck the nail in the coffin.
  • Gary disowned Kendra.
  • Kendra tried to apologize to Liz. Liz asked her to never speak/text/socialize with her ever again.
  • Kendra despises Liz, and is upset with Gary.
  • This was about a year and a half ago (hell, maybe even 2 years. It's been a while).
  • Since then, nobody has made any effort to patch things up.
  • Kendra has gotten engaged, and is constantly whining about how she thinks Gary hates her.
  • I am Kendra's brother, and Gary's son.

Now that you're up to speed, let me explain the trouble (as if that's not troubling enough).

  • Last week, it was brought to my attention that Gary and Liz got engaged.
  • I found out via facebook.
  • I am really pissed at Gary for this.
  • Apparently, I was the last to find out, as my oldest sister Eliza, had known for about a month.
  • Eliza had broken the news to Kendra weeks ago.
  • Kendra and I highly disapprove of this marriage for different reasons.
  • Kendra feels that this will forever keep Gary from speaking to her ever again.
  • I think that marriage is awful altogether, as a piece of paper proves nothing of love. For all I know, Liz intends to marry, divorce, and take half of Gary's things. That and I found out through facebook. Dafuq is wrong with these people?
  • Everything aside, Gary asked me to be his best man.
  • I told him I'd think about it, but my inside voice is screaming "NO!"
  • I also told him that before any of this marriage crap happens, things between them and Kendra need to be settled.
  • He straight up told me that he wasn't the problem, and that's all on Kendra and Liz are the ones who need to do something.
  • He also told me that Kendra would be invited, as he intends to go to Kendra's wedding.
  • I tell Kendra this information (because I could NOT keep that away from her).
  • She's pissed and has no intention of going to their wedding whatsoever.

So, I'm in a rut. How the hell do I handle this problem? Obviously, this is CV and nobody here is a therapist or something like that, but I need some outside advice, as this family is filled with idiots with gigantic egos....

#2 Posted by Vortex13 (12221 posts) - - Show Bio

@Gambit1024: Are you the youngest, or are you a middle child? Just curious because as the youngest in my family I'm usually trying to patch things up with everyone in my family. I haven't ever had issues with my family to this degree.

If you're acting as diplomat between family members I would simply talk to both sides of the divide and try to push for them to reconcile without necessarily having them meet with each other and try to find even ground. This is hard for me to judge though since I don't actually know what your parents are like, but this is the best advice I can give and I apologize if it's not enough or not helpful. Good luck!

#3 Posted by _Black (2302 posts) - - Show Bio

You're in a pretty tight spot, my friend. Maybe you can secretly set them up to reconcile, like ask both of them to meet up with you but not tell the other that the other is coming. Ya know, like on all the TV shows. They meet up, and voila! Problem solved.

#4 Posted by Aiden Cross (15557 posts) - - Show Bio

It's a tough situation and i can definitely see your need for help. Basically one of them has to make the first move. Gary has stepped forward in that sense in that he at least wants to attend Kendra's wedding. But i think showing up just like that when you haven't seen/spoken to each other for so long isn't the best idea (certainly not on the greatest day of your life). I'd suggest to try and have Kendra and Gary meet up, without Liz or you. Just have them talk for a bit. And if that goes well, you could slowly begin helping to build up the relationship.

I don't think you can do anything about the marriage situation with Gary and Liz though. That's just their choice even if you don't approve. I would try to attend their wedding but only if you can make it through without getting annoyed enough to cause drama, same goes for Kendra. Because that'll just make the relationship between the four of you worse. You're right in that they should've told you though, and not via Facebook. But what's done is done, and sometimes you just have to take things you don't like/agree with to improve the situation. Sometimes it's pride that holds back building succesful relationships.

Maybe your older sister can play a part in bringing Gary and Kendra together? Since she seems to be on speaking terms with both parties including Liz.

#5 Posted by YourNeighborhoodComicGeek (19873 posts) - - Show Bio

@_Black said:

You're in a pretty tight spot, my friend. Maybe you can secretly set them up to reconcile, like ask both of them to meet up with you but not tell the other that the other is coming. Ya know, like on all the TV shows. They meet up, and voila! Problem solved.

That also might go terribly wrong.

#6 Edited by Samimista (20569 posts) - - Show Bio

@Gambit1024: Hello there! I believe if I recall correctly, we've interacted on a thread recently? Luckily, you've came to the right place. Always such kind people on here willing to help.

Now, you say there was a conspiracy of Kendra to get Liz fired or transferred? Has anything came about with this? Now, you say Liz is Gary's girlfriend so I'm assuming she's not the mother? If Kendra was indeed involved in this due to higher ups that isn't her fault. It's business after all it shouldn't be personal. Besides, couldn't Liz find another job?

Coming from someone who's grown up family oriented, I believe you should never go to bed mad and should always talk things calmly with something. If you don't mind me saying, Gary should choose his own family rather than the girlfriend. If I was a parent, no way would I disown my child especially for a lover as lovers come and go like seasons.

Now as for Gary and Liz being engaged, she should rethink that. In my opinion when you're getting married, you're not only getting married to your lover but the family as well. It sounds like Liz is the main cause of splitting your family up?

I think Gary should rethink this whole thing and choose his family over this witch. Family should always come first in my opinion. Kendra is his daughter and therefore he should step between her and Liz to solve out their problems in my opinion.

Honestly, I don't blame Kendra for not wanting to go as it must of been heartbreaking having her own flesh and blood reject her but, at the same time, maybe it would be nice to see her father.

#7 Posted by Gambit1024 (9890 posts) - - Show Bio

@Vortex13: Yes, I am the youngest. I usually do act as the diplomat and try to get people to patch things up, but this one is... well, unique and outside my realm. As you can see, I tried talking to Gary about it, but the stubborn ass that he is fails to look at the big picture. He is part of the problem, and refuses to be part of the solution. Thanks for the feedback, btw :)

@_Black: A tight spot it is, sir. Unfortunately if the real world worked like a sitcom, I'd've done that years ago :/

#8 Posted by _Black (2302 posts) - - Show Bio

@YourNeighborhoodComicGeek: But it works on TV! D=

@Gambit1024: Lol I'm sure. Good luck anyways.

#9 Posted by YourNeighborhoodComicGeek (19873 posts) - - Show Bio

@_Black said:

@YourNeighborhoodComicGeek: But it works on TV! D=

70% of it is staged.

#10 Edited by Gambit1024 (9890 posts) - - Show Bio

@Aiden Cross: Thank you so much for the feedback. Don't get me wrong, I will go and support my dad's decision (even if it's a stupid-ass decision), because I know that's the right thing to do. Whatever's happened, it's happened. I will NOT however, be his best man. That would require me to give a speech about how awesome it is that they're getting married, and I'm not going to lie to a room of people. Yes, Eliza is on speaking terms with both parties, and it's never actually crossed my mind that she has the potential to fix this.... You just gave me something to think about.

@Samimista: Hiya! Nothing's been said about the "conspiracy group" at all. That's just an important detail on how we got to this current mess. Liz is not my mother. Gary divorced her a very long time ago. Liz came into the picture around 5 years ago. I agree that Kendra isn't entirely to blame, but... ya know. Egos. Yes, Liz has recently found a similar new job since then. You and I are on the complete same page as to what family is. Blood is thicker than water, and this witch put a huge damper on the family dynamic. Thank you so much for your response.

#11 Posted by Samimista (20569 posts) - - Show Bio

@Gambit1024 said:

@Samimista: Hiya! Nothing's been said about the "conspiracy group" at all. That's just an important detail on how we got to this current mess. Liz is not my mother. Gary divorced her a very long time ago. Liz came into the picture around 5 years ago. I agree that Kendra isn't entirely to blame, but... ya know. Egos. Yes, Liz has recently found a similar new job since then. You and I are on the complete same page as to what family is. Blood is thicker than water, and this witch put a huge damper on the family dynamic. Thank you so much for your response.

=) Anytime. Now it sounds like Gary and Liz are close minded and not willing to step into Kendra's shoes? I think your father should call or visit Kendra secretly without Liz first and take it from there.

Unfortunately, my mother has this problem too. My grandmother shortly died after I was born and she's what kept my mother's side of the family together. Sometime afterwards, my grandpa married a witch who absolutely wishes he didn't have a family yet treats her kids like gold.

What does Eliza feel on Liz? I think your father should gather you kids around and listen to what you guys have to say about Liz before jumping to marriage. Parents should always put their kids first in my opinion.

#12 Posted by Aiden Cross (15557 posts) - - Show Bio

@Gambit1024: Well, if both you and Eliza are on speaking terms with Gary and Kendra (and possibly Liz) you have a way in. I'd discuss it with Eliza, how you feel about things and how you want to make the family come together again. She might have some ideas of her own to do that. You both know your family best, and know both sides. So who better to discuss this with?

I think the first step has been made by Gary (judging from your explaination) and if you're able to convince Kendra to talk to Gary it could solve at least some of the problems. If both of them are able to keep their emotions in check. I'd really try to include Eliza in on this =)

#13 Posted by Gambit1024 (9890 posts) - - Show Bio

@Samimista: Neither Kendra or Gary are willing to make any direct move like that. If anything, it'd have to take myself or Eliza that initiative to set something up like that, and it's much easier said than done. Sorry to hear about your mom. If it's any consolation, my mom's family is also going through a "haters" rut with each other. It sucks, but since I literally cannot do anything to help, I'm being forced to sit back and listen. Eliza's not crazy about Liz, but she's being very mature about the situation at hand. She too has been in the same boat as Kendra in that Gary stopped talking to her for a very long period of time. It took the birth of my niece and a two years to get them back on their good side.

@Aiden Cross: I will definitely keep your suggestions in mind for the next time I see Eliza. Thanks again for your response. It's been really helpful :)

#14 Posted by Aiden Cross (15557 posts) - - Show Bio

@Gambit1024: Anytime. If you need to talk or anything, just shoot me a pm ^_^

#15 Posted by Samimista (20569 posts) - - Show Bio

@Gambit1024: It sounds like you and Eliza are the voice of reasoning and the better people in the family. Maybe you and her can talk about trying to get the family back together.

As for my mother's problem, unfortunately there's always a rotten apple in the family. But, her father wasn't a great guy either as he verbally and physically abused her and her siblings along with my grandmother. So, in a way, it's for the best to not be in contact with him. Irony though we live nearby him.

#16 Posted by Gambit1024 (9890 posts) - - Show Bio

@Aiden Cross: Will do :)

@Samimista: That's going to be my next action, as a matter of fact. Thanks again for your response. The advice means a lot :)

#17 Posted by Samimista (20569 posts) - - Show Bio

@Gambit1024: Anytime feel free to PM me if you ever want advice and etc. =)

#18 Posted by Gambit1024 (9890 posts) - - Show Bio

@Samimista: Absolutely :)

#19 Posted by _Black (2302 posts) - - Show Bio

@YourNeighborhoodComicGeek said:

@_Black said:

@YourNeighborhoodComicGeek: But it works on TV! D=

70% of it is staged.

Someone cannot take a joke =/

#20 Posted by YourNeighborhoodComicGeek (19873 posts) - - Show Bio

@_Black said:

@YourNeighborhoodComicGeek said:

@_Black said:

@YourNeighborhoodComicGeek: But it works on TV! D=

70% of it is staged.

Someone cannot take a joke =/

Please. I am the joke. Uh... I mean..

#21 Posted by JediXMan (29242 posts) - - Show Bio

You found out via Facebook? That's just cold.

#22 Posted by Gambit1024 (9890 posts) - - Show Bio

@JediXMan: Yeah... Needless to say I was angry.

#23 Posted by NlGHTCRAWLER (2898 posts) - - Show Bio

Kendra sounds like a horrible person.

#24 Posted by Gambit1024 (9890 posts) - - Show Bio

@NlGHTCRAWLER: How so?

#25 Edited by sesquipedalophobe (4689 posts) - - Show Bio

@Gambit1024: Decline as best man, but go to the wedding obviously. If a fair majority of the family disagree with the relationship, it won't last. The whole Kendra/Liz drama was entirely both their faults, not having anything to do with Gary. Gary doesn't sound like much of a man to let someone else tell you he's getting married.

#26 Posted by Gambit1024 (9890 posts) - - Show Bio

@sesquipedalophobe: That's my intention. I will go support Gary's decision, as stupid as it is, but I'm not going to lie to a room of people with a best man speech. The whole reason I'm against the marriage in the first place is because I know it probably won't last.

#27 Posted by Samimista (20569 posts) - - Show Bio

@Gambit1024 said:

@sesquipedalophobe: That's my intention. I will go support Gary's decision, as stupid as it is, but I'm not going to lie to a room of people with a best man speech. The whole reason I'm against the marriage in the first place is because I know it probably won't last.

Your gut feeling is probably correct then.

#28 Posted by Lvenger (17848 posts) - - Show Bio

This is a tough situation you're in. Well the salient advice I can offer is that firstly, Gary and Kendra need to have a reasonable discussion about this situation. No offense to your dad but I can't see how Kendra indirectly being involved in Liz's firing and not being able to do anything to stop it would lead to Gary disowning her. If Gary wants to go to Kendra's wedding, he needs to change his attitude about him not being the problem. Kendra's his daughter and I can't see how a new lover would prevent Gary from even attempting to patch things up with Liz. Then move onto Liz and Kendra speaking to each other. And as it's been said, maybe get Eliza involved too seeing as how she's on speaking terms with Gary and Liz and Kendra.

And the second thing, which may sound mean but it's not meant too is that sometimes the worst does happen. My mum was in a similar ish position in her childhood. Her parents divorced, her dad remarried with a woman devoted to her children but who was an unscrupulous harpy to my mum and wanted her dad to commit to her family. As such, she's never seen her dad for nearly 30 years and doesn't know where he is and what's happened to him. The point is that although blood is thicker than water, the blood can get diluted sometimes. Still, I would do everything I can to resolve the situation. I hope this is of some meager help and that things get resolved somehow.

#29 Posted by Swagger462 (374 posts) - - Show Bio

@Gambit1024: Seems to me that Gary is acting like a child. If I was you I would be diplomatic and say that you'll attend but you cannot accept to be the best man because if you were to do that then you'd be taking sides with the thing between him and Kendra.

#30 Posted by Gambit1024 (9890 posts) - - Show Bio

@Swagger462: Like I said, I will be going to his wedding, but I will not be taking the position of best man. How exactly would it be taking sides, though? I'm going to Kendra's wedding as well.

@Lvenger: I agree wholeheartedly. Gary is just as much to blame as everyone else, but he's too stubborn to understand that. His ego, man. Don't be afraid to be mean, btw. Any advice is good advice if you can reasonably back it up. Unfortunately I do expect that once this marriage comes to pass, it will end Kendra and Gary's relationship pretty much indefinitely. The reason I came here is because maybe you guys'd help me figure out how to prevent that relationship from crashing and burning, but the more I think about it, the more I've just come to accept it. Now is it for the better? That's another discussion entirely, but their relationship is something I'd hate to see die over someone like Liz. Being the youngest, I used to look up to both Gary and Kendra, but given the way both have been acting in this situation, my respect for them is at an all-time low.

#31 Posted by Swagger462 (374 posts) - - Show Bio

@Gambit1024: Oh, I haven't slept in a few days and so I think those parts slipped passed me. Disregard previous statement fine sir.

#32 Posted by Gambit1024 (9890 posts) - - Show Bio

@Swagger462: Lol, no worries. Go to sleep.