#1 Posted by MonsterStomp (17931 posts) - - Show Bio

So my mate was telling me about his recent break up (two weeks ago) with his girlfriend. This is pretty much what he told me and how it went down.

You should know:

  • His girlfriend is self-conscious about her looks but is also a tad overweight.
  • No she wasn't always overweight, she was smoking hot at one point.
  • We had this conversation on Facebook.
  • For the sake of privacy I'll acknowledge his messages under the alias, "Michael".
  • These aren't direct quotes but are accurate.

Me: So are you still in a relationship man?

Michael: Nah man we broke up like two weeks ago.

Me: Why man? What happened? You guys were cool together.

Michael: Yeah I know. You know how I just joined the gym?

Me: Yeah?

Michael: Yeah well I was talking to my gf about it. Then I may have advised her to join as well.

Me: You advised her?

Michael: Its not like that, I just said "You should join gym as well babe", then she went all crazy, left the room straight away and we haven't spoken since...

Me: Wtf?

Conversation continues...

So is it offensive to tell your overweight spouse to join the gym? Keep in mind that she wasn't always overweight. Is there any polite way to tell them? Or should we just leave them?

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#2 Edited by InnerVenom123 (29501 posts) - - Show Bio

Depends how you tell someone.

#3 Posted by JediXMan (30608 posts) - - Show Bio

I think it may have come off offensive if he was being hypocritical. But since he's in a gym as well, no.

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#4 Edited by MagnificentStorm (1392 posts) - - Show Bio

@monsterstomp: No its not offensive at least not in my opinion.

I mean losing weight is very good especially for ones health. An sometime(or in her case) their self image. Which can help to get out more an do more things.But people take things in differently, an something like this can be very hard to hear even if it was said politely.

#5 Edited by Donovan Montgomery (5443 posts) - - Show Bio

" Why don't you join with me so we can spend more time together" or something to that effect. Just saying "you should join"can (and apparently has in this case) be taken the wrong way (I'm giving him the benefit of doubt here), trying to take the "offensive" out is very tricky. May be if he explains this is what he meant, could help him out.

#6 Edited by CHUCKY47 (254 posts) - - Show Bio

Shouldn't be offensive

#7 Posted by superstay (9804 posts) - - Show Bio

I don't think it's offensive...it would depend on how he said it.

Also, depends on how he meant it

If he said she should work out so she could get back to Ms. Hottie McSexy. Than, I could see how if could be offensive.

If he said she should work out so she could get to an healthier her. Than, No

d*_*b

#8 Posted by OptimusPalm (1803 posts) - - Show Bio

If they split up over something like that then its not like the relationship would've gone anywhere. Fatty would be better off without him.

#9 Posted by thespideyguy (2642 posts) - - Show Bio

They were married?

#10 Posted by Cybrilious4 (1766 posts) - - Show Bio
#11 Edited by Pyrogram (38361 posts) - - Show Bio

Offensive? Not really. But I would never do it out of respect, and the fact I don't own the person. It's their choice.

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#12 Posted by Bruxae (13865 posts) - - Show Bio

Depends on how he said it, but if what's written is right - No, its not offensive. She is overreacting. If they cant talk openly about such things without being offended they have no buisness being in a relationship to begin with.

#13 Edited by The Stegman (24382 posts) - - Show Bio

She overreacted, that wasn't offensive at all.

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#14 Edited by TheAcidSkull (18032 posts) - - Show Bio

Overreaction, thats all this was

I'd like people to tell me if i'm overweight, even though i'm a guy. and if they ARE IN a relationship she should be able to take it openly. what so wrong with that? if you are dating someone you should want whats best for her, and so should she.

#15 Edited by DeathpooltheT1000 (10812 posts) - - Show Bio

#16 Posted by TDK_1997 (14895 posts) - - Show Bio

She overreacted.It is never offensive to tell someone that he should join the gym because you are giving him an advise.And people should always be open for advises.

#17 Posted by Nefarious (20330 posts) - - Show Bio

It can be.

#18 Posted by Strongarm (5857 posts) - - Show Bio

He is genuinely concerned, being fat can lead to many health complications later in life

#19 Posted by lilben42 (2545 posts) - - Show Bio
#20 Posted by Joygirl (19961 posts) - - Show Bio

Depends on how the ACTUAL exchange went. If he is going to the gym, it is reasonable for him to suggest she do so as well. Maybe not in good taste, but reasonable.

If he was a prick about it and off-handedly snarked like "Maybe you should think about joining too, you could use it" she has every right to be pissed.

#21 Posted by Pyrogram (38361 posts) - - Show Bio

@joygirl said:

If he was a prick about it and off-handedly snarked like "Maybe you should think about joining too, you could use it" she has every right to be pissed.

And bring the flame thrower.

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#22 Edited by Pyrogram (38361 posts) - - Show Bio

@theacidskull said:

if they ARE IN a relationship she should be able to take it openly. what so wrong with that?

Because you should be supporting the person in their personal growth and telling them to go get fit is NOT doing that, that's shaping them into what you want and not who they are. It should all be down to what they want, not beacuse you want a "hotter" girlfriend. You don't own the girl, you have no right to tell her what to do and live her life. That's my opinion anyways.

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#23 Edited by TheAcidSkull (18032 posts) - - Show Bio

@pyrogram said:

@theacidskull said:

if they ARE IN a relationship she should be able to take it openly. what so wrong with that?

Because you should be supporting the person in their personal growth and telling them to go get fit is NOT doing that, that's shaping them into what you want and not who they are. It should all be down to what they want, not because you want a "hotter" girlfriend. You don't own the girl, you have no right to tell her what to do and live her life. That's my opinion anyways.

Dude, please STOP twisting what i'm saying man >_>, that is Not what i meant and you know it. I'm not telling her WHAT To do , i want whats best for her, if i LOVE her, i wouldn't give two shits about her weight. I don't own her , i never said that " IF SHE'S NOT HOT I CAN'T DEAL WITH IT!!!!!!"/

You have to stop doing that.

#24 Posted by TDK_1997 (14895 posts) - - Show Bio
#25 Posted by Fuchsia_Nightingale (10180 posts) - - Show Bio

it's tet offensive :P

Nope not to me.

#26 Posted by Yung ANcient One (4799 posts) - - Show Bio

Yes, it is. It is not always... but... *sigh* Women are complicated beautiful creatures and deal with the pressure of self image more than MEN. We as men do not worry the slightest of a imperfection that usually goes unnoticed until someone else brings it to our attention. Women however are very aware of their imperfections.

I honestly think he should have chosen his words a lot wiser and if he wants to fix it all he has to do is recognize his mistake and let her know he's an idiot.

We're Men were simple aka idiots.. Women are complicated aka... ... ... complicated XP.

I love Women... I really do... but Dam... sometimes... aha... I still love women though. MURS said it the best "I like way more about em than I dislike." ( + )

#27 Posted by Pyrogram (38361 posts) - - Show Bio

@pyrogram said:

@theacidskull said:

if they ARE IN a relationship she should be able to take it openly. what so wrong with that?

Because you should be supporting the person in their personal growth and telling them to go get fit is NOT doing that, that's shaping them into what you want and not who they are. It should all be down to what they want, not because you want a "hotter" girlfriend. You don't own the girl, you have no right to tell her what to do and live her life. That's my opinion anyways.

Dude, please STOP twisting what i'm saying man >_>, that is Not what i meant and you know it. I'm not telling her WHAT To do , i want whats best for her, if i LOVE her, i wouldn't give two shits about her weight. I don't own her , i never said that " IF SHE'S NOT HOT I CAN'T DEAL WITH IT!!!!!!"/

You have to stop doing that.

I never twisted that I just quoted you as it added to my opinion, I knew what you were saying :P

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#28 Posted by Teerack (6293 posts) - - Show Bio

It's not.

#29 Posted by TheAcidSkull (18032 posts) - - Show Bio

@pyrogram said:

@theacidskull said:

@pyrogram said:

@theacidskull said:

if they ARE IN a relationship she should be able to take it openly. what so wrong with that?

Because you should be supporting the person in their personal growth and telling them to go get fit is NOT doing that, that's shaping them into what you want and not who they are. It should all be down to what they want, not because you want a "hotter" girlfriend. You don't own the girl, you have no right to tell her what to do and live her life. That's my opinion anyways.

Dude, please STOP twisting what i'm saying man >_>, that is Not what i meant and you know it. I'm not telling her WHAT To do , i want whats best for her, if i LOVE her, i wouldn't give two shits about her weight. I don't own her , i never said that " IF SHE'S NOT HOT I CAN'T DEAL WITH IT!!!!!!"/

You have to stop doing that.

I never twisted that I just quoted you as it added to my opinion, I knew what you were saying :P

I didn't mean that you edited what i said, i meant that you perceived what i was trying To say and got something completely different out of it. I.DID.NOT.SAY.GO.GET.FIT. i was saying something completely different.

#30 Posted by Pyrogram (38361 posts) - - Show Bio

@theacidskull: I was not actually directly talking towards you, only quoting you as it suited what I was saying I knew what you were saying lol

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#31 Posted by TheAcidSkull (18032 posts) - - Show Bio

@pyrogram said:

@theacidskull: I was not actually directly talking towards you, only quoting you as it suited what I was saying I knew what you were saying lol

-__-

#32 Posted by Pyrogram (38361 posts) - - Show Bio
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#33 Edited by TheAcidSkull (18032 posts) - - Show Bio
#34 Posted by twitchy_tail (23 posts) - - Show Bio

I think it's fine. Just try to say it without hurting there feelings and don't be a jerk about it.

#35 Edited by lykopis (10746 posts) - - Show Bio

What the f*ck did I just read on here?

No one knows how it went down -- no one. If the exchange resulted in her leaving the room and they haven't spoken since, I am more inclined to think it didn't go down quite so innocently. That the OP mentioned that she "used" to be smoking hot speaks volumes. Come on, now? Really? It doesn't make a difference either that she "was" smoking hot either at one point except that based on the information she is self conscious, you are dealing with someone who is likely to take offense (I see it more as hurt) when the person she is in a relationship with says she should join the gym. It doesn't matter that he has -- that doesn't lessen the blow --

No, us women are not psycho-super-sensitive freaks. What we are is human and when it comes to looks, everyone (including all you he-men out there) are susceptible to being self conscious -- even if you're Adonis or Aphrodite. If this girl is a bit overweight -- it's for her to make the decision to lose weight or get fit and here's a shocker -- she just might be happy with how she looks. Yeah -- I know, stop the presses.

There has to be more to it than what your friend shared with you -- I can take a few guesses but why bother. Good on him for joining a gym - looks to me he is looking to get fit (or more fit) and last I checked, it usually improves a person's physical appearance when they do so. Could be her insecurities (assuming she has them) might be stemming from that. Which doesn't make it okay because that's not his fault but it would make more sense than a serious relationship ending over a misunderstanding or a poorly communicated idea.

The "tests" of love and affection in early relationships are fraught with traps. What might be considered non-consequential to one partner could be huge to the other. She might have been hoping he would say to her something along the lines of "I love you, you're gorgeous exactly the way you are" (which is the RIGHT thing to do, no matter what) and instead, all she heard was him telling her there might be some room for improvement. Stupid, stupid, stupid. You never tell your partner what you think they can improve on when it comes to their looks. Just...leave it ALONE. This goes the other way as well -- let me know when a girl looks at your biceps and declares how "cute" they are, or how comfy your stomach is when you're both cuddling on the sofa and you not feel a little put out?

Every girl wants to feel like she is the most stunning, most beautiful and sexiest woman on earth by her partner and every guy wants to feel like he's the buffest, strongest and devastatingly sexy by his. Anything that might veer from that is room for problems (early in the relationship although I can argue for late in it as well).

Yes, being fit is good for you -- so is learning and eating a well balanced breakfast. You just, leave it well enough alone. If she is hyper sensitive, then he clearly knew she was and should have approached the conversation with a bit more tact. If she refuses to talk to him, to give him an opportunity to explain (or maybe for all you know she's embarrassed and wants to apologize to him) then the relationship is dead in the water and it's not because of this one incident.

People should determine for themselves what is right for them -- there is no nice way or polite way of bringing it up. Unless they are morbidly obese and their life is on the line -- leave it alone and should they be going in the direction of obesity, I find it hard to believe there won't be a time they will shoot an exploratory comment your way to test the waters and assuming you know them well, you can follow their lead.

I talk too much. :/

#36 Posted by Fuchsia_Nightingale (10180 posts) - - Show Bio

@lykopis said:

I talk too much. :/

Cuddles

#37 Posted by joshmightbe (24885 posts) - - Show Bio

Man rule number 1- Never under any circumstances do you Ever tell a woman you are in a relationship with anything that can even remotely imply that she's even a little over weight if you wish to remain in the relationship. If you join a gym or start a diet just state the fact and keep any other thought to yourself, if she has a problem I can guarantee her friends and mother have already pointed that s**t out and its your job in this situation is to keep your damn mouth shut.

#38 Posted by Omega Ray Jay (7818 posts) - - Show Bio

#39 Posted by lykopis (10746 posts) - - Show Bio
#40 Posted by Fuchsia_Nightingale (10180 posts) - - Show Bio

@lykopis:

Hush hush blabbering kitten < 3

#41 Edited by lykopis (10746 posts) - - Show Bio
#42 Posted by Fuchsia_Nightingale (10180 posts) - - Show Bio
#43 Posted by Jorgevy (5114 posts) - - Show Bio

he probably should've just phrased it better like

"hey babe, I joined the gym, what if you did too? we could work out 'together' ;P *winks, weird facial expression and slightly sexual rhythmic poses*

#44 Posted by dondave (37410 posts) - - Show Bio

@jedixman said:

I think it may have come off offensive if he was being hypocritical. But since he's in a gym as well, no.

#45 Posted by russellmania77 (15355 posts) - - Show Bio

@dondave: when do u post on off topic? Lol

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#46 Posted by dondave (37410 posts) - - Show Bio
#47 Posted by russellmania77 (15355 posts) - - Show Bio
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