Craziest sh*t ever. I was walking under a lamppost with a seagull on top of it. It started going
meepmeepmeep
meepmeepmeep
So I replied.
meepmeepmeep
It replies
meepmeepmeep
I reply
meepmeepmeep
THEN IT SWOOOOOOPS
Right off the lamppost. It comes at me. I had my lunchbox in a plastic bag so I swung for the beaky bastard. It flies over then swoops back around. I just keep swinging at it. Goes on for like 30 seconds. Then eventually it flies back up to it's lamppost. A couple watched the whole thing. As I walked past them I say
I just got attacked by a seagull
The girl replies
Really?
Then I just laugh. For the rest of the trip home. I was paranoid as hell though. Checked every single lamppost along the way.
When I get home to my laptop I do some research on seagull attacks and I find this article.
It's no joke, being attacked by a seagull. Pensioners have been hospitalised, blood gushing from cut heads. Others have been knocked to the ground, breaking bones. Small dogs have bled to death, children's lips been sliced open, and an elderly man died of a heart attack following a particularly vicious assault in his back garden (3). News that the Royal Mail has temporarily halted deliveries to an otherwise peaceful Cornish cul-de-sac because of the danger should come as no big surprise; it's happened before.
A diving herring gull is a missile: special attack talon on the heel, razor-sharp two-inch beak, 1.4-metre wingspan, more than a kilo of angry bird travelling at 65kph. No wonder there's blood. And there are more and more of them, at least in built-up areas:
Needless to say I felt pretty lucky and badass at the same time.
Then I realized why it had actually happened.
Swooping gulls can be annoying at the best of times, but at this time of year they can be positively dangerous. From mid-May to late July, when fledglings have hatched but are not yet able to fly, adult gulls become highly territorial and protective of their young. If you get too close, they will use a variety of tactics to try to drive you away.
First comes the "gag call" – a low, repeated warning call that essentially means: Go away. Next is the low pass, within a metre or two of the intruder's head. Then aerial operations commence. Phase one is bombardment: gulls target the perceived threat with droppings and vomit. Phase two is all-out attack – usually a low, raking strike to the back of the head with talons extended.
*checks the date* Yep, prime time for a seagull to be pissed off.
The "gag call". Aka
meepmeepmeep
Yes, that's right. I unwittingly challenged a seagull to a territorial dispute. What the hell.
It skipped the sh*tting and vomiting and came straight at me. I'm not even kidding. It was crazy.
I am done with nature. I'm never recycling again. Gonna go shoot some of these feathery asses with my BB gun. Take care guys.
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