She's one Hell of a heroine...literally!
One of the movie's taglines.
You may recall Dracula 3000, an thoroughly miserable experience that that was my last movie review's subject. It had an obviously silly B-movie premise (Dracula IN SPACE), except it was such unbearably slog of a movie I barely could make any fun of it, the only entertainment I got was imagining a much better movie I could have being watching instead. Perhaps a movie that is so bad its good, instead of a movie so bad it makes me want to sleep. So what about BloodRayne, another vampire movie? Well I will say its kinda like I wanted when seeing Dracula 3000. It's not an good movie by any stretch, but far more enjoyable than that shipwreck in comparison. Though personally, I have an personal stake (hehe) against this movie from the beginning.
Off to an demoralizing start, BloodRayne is also a video game series developed by Terminal Reality and published by Majesco. You heard it right folks, this movie is an video game adaptation. What could possibly go wrong? In all fairness, both games are really entertaining, if criminally underrated. They are about an Dhampyr (an half-human, half-vampire) called Rayne that works for an secret organization called Brimstone Society, that is devoted into riding the world of all evil vampires. The first game is set during the 30s between WW1 and WW2, where Rayne fight against Nazis and stop them from acquiring some unholy artifacts that will grant them victory, while the second game set decades afterwards during modern times, she confronts an vampire cult that worships her father, the vampire lord Kagan, who had raped her mother and killed her family. If you want to play an hack an' slash game as an vampire, don't worry this game got you covered.
However, no background is worth without speaking about the mastermind behind it. None other than the much dreaded Uwe Boll. Every gamer or movie buff has at least heard of him at some point or another, but here is what you need to know. Uwe is an German director infamous for some truly bad video game adaptations, such as Alone in the Dark, Postal and Far Cry (Yeah I am not kidding), known for his absolutely batsh*t attitude towards criticism, having challenged movie critics to boxing matches and the like. Petitions were made to forbid him from making movies ever again and despite all of them bombing so hard, he still manages to get finance them thanks to tax loopholes. It wouldn't be much of an exaggeration to say he is the spiritual successor of Ed Wood (no matter how much this sentence sounds dreadful in my mouth).
Our movie is very loosely (emphasis on LOOSELY) based on the games' plot, taking a few elements and cues from both, but not adapting either of them. Its set during the Middle Ages (instead of WW2 or modern times), in Romenian (initially an unidentified Eastern European country) where vampires roam at night being opposed only by the Brimstone Society and people speak with an unexplicable British accent. The most powerful of them, Kagan had an hybrid child called Rayne with an human woman. After her mother is killed, the orphaned Rayne spends much of her life in a freakshow circus, where she is cut on regular basis and fed with blood to heal in front of the audience. One night, when her handlers decide to have the "brightest" idea to rape her, she awakens her vampire side and goes in a berserker rage, feasting on all of the carnies that came across her way. Its mind-boggling that in this setting, vampires are an serious and easily recognizable threat, these idiots keep an woman that feasts on blood as the lead attraction in their show without realizing her true nature.
A trio of Brimstone vampire hunters, made up of Vladimir (played by the visibly embarrassed Michael Madsen) Katarin (played by Michelle Rodriguez) and Sebastian (Matthew Davis, who would later play another vampire hunter - Alaric Saltzman - in Vampire Diaries) comes across the circus and deduce this is the work of a Dhampyr, and decide to recruit her to their cause and help defeat Kagan. Unbestknown to them, Kagan had killed her mother because he somehow sensed their daughter would ruin his plans in the future...? Specially Rayne absorbs an mystical artifact that Kagan is looking after in his bide to acquire supreme power, that is her perfect chance of revenge for her mother.
Fun fact: This movie was literally written in one draft. Guinevere Turner, the original screenwriter, was unavailable on location to rewrite the film and Boll used the first draft of the script as basis (and it shows).
You wouldn't think that a B-movie such as this would have this hard to follow but somehow they managed it. The plot surrounds the search of the unholy relics of an ancient vampire that removes any weakness they have (the eye makes them immune to water, the rib to the cross and the heart to sunligh). Kagan searches for it and the heroes try to stop him. Sounds simple huh? Turns out there is another vampire called Elrich, that supposedly is in league with Kagan and was a Brimstone member before being turned and is also Katarin's father. Despite working with both sides against the middle, he presicely does nothing, spending all his time in his room with his last scene being with Kagan's head enforcer threatening him - without us knowing if he survived it or not. His scenes are not only padding, they are too distracting when you are trying to understand his role in the story. He does get his daughter to betray Brimstone, but its not clear what side is she pilling to, since her father seems to be on his own. I know that is a strange thing to harp on, but I couldn't stop thinking about what the hell Billy Zane is supposed to do here.
Being too convoluted for its own good doesn't stop the movie from being too clichéd and unoriginal with its absolutely trite dialogue, not helped by actors saying them without an ounce of irony. Obligatory clichés such "the chosen one" (with an old soothsayer telling Rayne is destined to stop Kagan), "the guards must be crazy" (Madsen and Alaric are captured by Kagan's forces and the way the manage to escape is so stupid even they comment on it) and "All your bases are belong to use" (when Brimstone HQ is absolutely raided by Kagan's forces when Katarin turns on her comrades). Of course, it wouldn't have being a Uwe Boll movie without the juvenile approach to sex and nudity. Halfway through the movie Rayne and Sebastian have sex without no build up beforehand. They were not even established as being in a romantic relationship before (in fact Sebastian propose to kill Rayne at several points) and after that they kinda become lovers, but not really. Then there are Meat Loaf's harem who is portrayed by Hungarian real prostitutes that Uwe Boll hired because they were cheaper than real actresses. As low budgeted you can possibly get...
The action scenes are laughable. Swords used in dueling looked unspeakably lame upon closer inspection, having rounded points instead of sharp ends (my own prop swords look more legit than any swords in this movie), and that is just other's characters weapons. Rayne's classical arm blades are retconned as being some artistic tools owned by her circus friend, that somehow Rayne manages to use it in combat despite being not really weapons until its broken during her training on Brimstone, instead of a real fight because f*cking logic in the arse. It wouldn't take a genius to guess they didn't really hire an real fight choreographer for the swordplays. The most "outstanding" example of this is the final confront between Rayne and her father where she uses some really impractical movements (her weapon is a really unrealistic on its own right) that tries too hard to appear cool and awesome, but no character would really fight like the way she does.
Do I even have talk about the acting? Michael Madsen and Ben Kingsley are the only thing worth bringing up since they are truly great actors among the trainwreck. Notably, Madsen looks like he is so not having a good time, and he already gone on record that he was drunk while shooting the movie and found the experience abominable). Ben, on the other hand, couldn't give less of shit. The dude played Mahatma Gandhi for f*cks sake, so his dignity is still intact even after being in this absolute bag of sh*t. The only actor who (BY FAR) is genuinely enjoying himself is Meat Loaf who is paid to appear in only one scene, being surrounded by the already mentioned topless ladies while overreacting to the extreme. Hmm, I guess that was a fair deal... Who wouldn't enjoy themselves anyway?
Astonishingly, BloodRayne is just the first installment in a movie trilogy also directed by Uwe Boll. The second movie is set in the Old West with an vampire Billy the Kid and the third movie takes place during World War II, much like the first game had. At the time of writing I haven't seen either movie yet, but who knows what the future may hold for us, huh?
Final Rating
4/10 - In one hand, it's a complete spit in the face of BloodRayne fans and a carnival of ineptitude in every regard (acting, script, effects)... On the other hand, that can turn out to be an enjoyable sit if you know what kind of movie you are getting. It's the perfect storm of badness, pilling up terrible ideas, big name actors tarnishing their reputation and the such. The acting is at least hammy enough to keep you from being bored. If you want a genuinely good experience with BloodRayne, go check out the games instead (in fact, I might review them in the future as well).
Thank you guys for reading it. I hope you enjoyed it? What did you think of the movie? Let me know in the comment section. Some more vampire reviews are coming. See ya next time =P
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