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#1 Edited by Pperspectiveandreality (1926 posts) - - Show Bio

I just need to get this off of me. Who better to tell than unbiased strangers? So, for those of you whom participated in the thread "Ask a Christian", you may have noticed a sudden absence of my presence. Well this has been partly due to my class-load this semester and partly due to a recent breakup and heartbreak I went through. I broke up with the women i had every intention of marrying because she cheated on me. Not once. But throughout the course of our entire relationship. A relationship which stretched from November 11th of 2008 to a few weeks ago. I'm a virgin who is saving myself for marriage and this was often an issue in our relationship because she was not. In fact she was bisexual. I was planing this huge proposal to her to happen on her birthday in December. But i got a bunch of texts and calls from numbers i didnt know warning me. (My ex, who will now be referred to as "Nancy", and I prank each other a lot. We wereactually about to put our vides of pranks on youtube and start our own channel until this happened. So with my huge plans for this prank/proposal spreading like wildfire through our family and friends these texts and calls started rolling in) The sum of al these texts and calls was that she was cheating on me and they had proof. the proof was shocking. Heartbreaking. Nancy had been cheating on me for over 5 years. Her reason was, and i quote, "I'm a sexual person and I need physical contact". I cannot be mad at that. If that is who she is then that is who she is and i cannot change it. What hurt me to my core was the lie, the deceit, the disloyalty. We had a big argument and it ended with her asking me a simple question. Why? Why save myself for marriage? Why not just have sex with the woman i love and live with? Well let me tell you all what I told her. The way I view sex is that it is a special part of my being. a part of me that literally no other being on earth will ever know besides my wife. something that no friend, no mother, no father, no grandparents, nobody will ever know me in that way but one person. and after saving this part of me for that person for what is now 26 years when i do give it to my wife i view that as me giving her a part of me that is untouched by anybody. Something that only we will share. I view sex is something very important and special. Nancy views it as something different than I do. So now I ask you a question. What would you do in my shoes?

#2 Posted by The Stegman (23968 posts) - - Show Bio

Well, first, lemme say, I'm sorry to hear that this Nancy was so dishonest and adulterous, especially for so very long. In a relationship, communication is key, like you said, if she was unhappy or unfufilled, she should have come out and said so, even end the relationship, not go out and cheat with others. I would have broken up with her too if I were in your shoes, there's some things I can put up with in a relationship, infidelity isn't one of them.

As for waiting for marriage to have sex, I don't wanna really get in to it, I'll just say, I don't really believe in marriage to begin with, so waiting until then to have sex is equally illogical to me. Now to me, marriage is just a construct and if you love someone, you won't need a piece of paper and a church to express that, however, I understand for many, it's more than that, it's a showcase of ultimate devotion and intimacy, an act saying that you're willling to spend the rest of your life with a person, and give yourself to them wholly, and for that reason, and I completely understand.

Annnywho, I'm sorry for your troubles mate, hopefully, you can find another fish in this tumultuous sea we call "love". One who shares your values and is willing to wait and be ready for something more.

PS, thanks for not posting this on Valentine's Day, then I'd feel really bad.

#3 Posted by TazzMission (5488 posts) - - Show Bio

im not religious but im 29 and a virgin and besides the most important thing is getting to know the person you are with and if its just based on sex you will have a lot of issues trying to develop a real relationship with women.

im pretty sure people will laugh at that but you know what? i really dont care what people think

#4 Posted by TotalBalance (741 posts) - - Show Bio

Well that is very unfortunate, I will start by saying as an atheist gay man I have rather different views of sex and relationships than you do. But at the same time if I were in your shoes (and Nancy was a guy) and we had a relationship that was supposed to be monogamous but I found out they were cheating, I would break it off just like you did. Not because I have anything against having sex, but because of the dishonesty, that sort of lack of trust is simply going to be toxic in any relationship.

Best of luck though, I am sure you will find someone who can make you happy, just have to keep looking. Maybe I will say a prayer for you....

#5 Posted by Yokergeist (12355 posts) - - Show Bio

I'm saving myself too.

#6 Posted by PeppeyHare (4310 posts) - - Show Bio

I never cared about saving myself at all, but still sorry to hear that she did all that to you bro.

#7 Posted by danhimself (22493 posts) - - Show Bio

Honestly I will never understand how anyone could save themselves for marriage. ...whether you like it or not sex is a huge part of any relationship and if you wait until you're married to find out if you're sexually compatible or not you could end up making a huge mistake and have the marriage end in divorce or spend the rest of your life in a miserable relationship

#8 Posted by ArturoCalaKayVee (11376 posts) - - Show Bio

I want to start this sincerely by saying I'm really sorry that your girlfriend cheated on you, I've been cheated on before by someone I was deeply in love with and it changed my core as a human being. Even now I struggle with the aftermath of the relationship 2 years later. So I know your pain. But I also believe things happen for a reason, you found out she was unfaithful because fate didn't have you two ending up together written in the stars, this woman was merely a life lesson. With that said, this is where I get a little insincere, so I apologize before hand If I offend you in any way. Here's the thing, sex is not nearly as big as some forms of religion or media make it out to be (as long it's done responsibly). I lost my virginity at 18 to a girlfriend I had only because I felt that was the right time to lose it. I could have waited, I could have done it years earlier. But the fact is this: in my opinion, it's pointless to "save yourself." From what I've seen in my life time, there are very few people, women especially, who are willing to be with someone who wants to wait until marriage. People have sexual needs, it's in our genetics, it doesn't make you any less of human if you have sex with a couple girlfriends, all of them, some one night stands, or if you hire prostitutes. It's in our genes to get funky. If you're asking for life advice, religion or not, ditch the celibacy, it's not worth it, it will only cause problems in future relationships. If that's not what you're asking, and you refuse to give it up until marriage, then all I can say is that I truly do wish you the best in finding a true woman who is loving enough to wait until you two wed.

#9 Edited by King Saturn (224033 posts) - - Show Bio

You should have been giving the "Magic Voodoo Stick" to the girl man... talking about waiting and saving yourself... Saving Yourself for what ?

#10 Edited by Jonez120 (4148 posts) - - Show Bio

O.O

I'm 19 and lost my virginity a couple years ago...

But I feel for you bro. You deserve better than that cu**.

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#11 Posted by pooty (11027 posts) - - Show Bio

I have no idea why people think sex is so sacred. I just don't get it

#12 Posted by AllStarSuperman (21720 posts) - - Show Bio

Sorry to here this man, but i do respect you for saving yourself, and i completely agree that only your wife should know you like that.

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#13 Edited by Jayc1324 (11605 posts) - - Show Bio

Its your decision and someone who truly loves you would be fine with that or learn to deal with it out of love.

#14 Posted by JakeN7 (11744 posts) - - Show Bio

Sex is just sex. It's biological, not spiritual. I respect your belief, but honestly, that kind of sacred viewpoint usually leads to a lot of misinformation and confused feelings about sex in general. I'm sorry about your girlfriend, but most people would not go over 5 years without sex, and not making 100% sure she understood your belief and was willing to sacrifice that for you was a big mistake. However, she never should have lied to you about it. Hope you can move on.

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#15 Edited by Pperspectiveandreality (1926 posts) - - Show Bio

I'm better now. Not that I'm completely over her. I'm not yet. But I've shaved and can laugh and eat again lol.

#16 Posted by Crom-Cruach (8819 posts) - - Show Bio

@pperspectiveandreality: While her betrayal is completely unacceptable, and I will give you as much sympathy as I can for a stranger based on what you say here. The idea of forgoing sex or "saving yourself" for marriage is so foreign to my world view that I personally believe that not having sex when one can is the lesser of two choices.

#17 Posted by WillPayton (9358 posts) - - Show Bio

You should have been giving the "Magic Voodoo Stick" to the girl man... talking about waiting and saving yourself... Saving Yourself for what ?

Jesus!

#18 Edited by SSJDarthPlagueis (2458 posts) - - Show Bio

Too bad I don't have any memory sleeping with this one girl, but I hope I didn't. You'll understand if you saw her. Booze and sex don't mix well lol!

But nah don't worry about it. Old saying, "There are many fishes in the sea," another lady will come by and hopefully be more committed and respect you. It is said that not that many people stay committed to their relationship, and makes me question if humans weren't ment to have spouses, but that's another subject.

Though I don't know what love(hate that word) is because I've never been in love or had a relationship. So don't know how that feels, but I am afraid of it. I'm in my early 20's so someone will come along eventually and I have plenty of time.

Or Reno, Nevada here I come lol!

Stay strong bro.

#19 Posted by TheTrueBarryAllen (4982 posts) - - Show Bio

Sorry that happened to you.

I respect your views of saving yourself for marriage but will admit that sexual chemistry is a vital portion of most, if not all relationships, I suppose it depends on the sexual drive of the two involved though.

Best of luck with your life & I hope you find someone to share yourself with eventually.

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#22 Edited by laflux (15400 posts) - - Show Bio

I never cared about saving myself at all, but still sorry to hear that she did all that to you bro.

#23 Posted by marvel_boy2241 (2468 posts) - - Show Bio

@pperspectiveandreality

Ya see? No offense but this is where I don't want to be in the future. 26 years old?? Hell naaaw!

What I would do if I was in your shoes? Oh I'd f*** the s*** out of her and prolly tell her to bring a friend(preferably female since she's bi).

Dude this is your life. So, I'm not telling you to do that. I guess my point is life is way to short. Ask yourself this question. What now? Find another girl and wait another five whole years? Then you'll be like 31. How many chicks are gonna be around for you when your a thirty one year old virgin? Better yet how many of those same chicks will have saved themselves for you? You are noble but you are not that special. Do you really believe that you are just so perfect that you can only save yourself for one person? Look at it like this: You are so awesome that giving the, as you call it, "special part of your being" to just one person would be selfish. Give it to as many chicks that will take it. I know it sucks but this is the society we live in. This type of behavior will never be accepted by women in these times(unless your Amish or something). Please, Please call this girl up tell her you're sorry. That you didn't know what you were saying. Do something so you can at least hit it for one time in five years. Tell her to teach you some stuff, man. Remember YOLO.

#24 Posted by Chibi_cute (4522 posts) - - Show Bio

WAO. i feel bad for you man.

We had the same perception about sex etc.. years. ago.

I was about to save my first kiss and first sex to just the girl i truly love.. but its so hard to maintain. in a world full of Temptations.

#25 Edited by Squares (5612 posts) - - Show Bio

@pperspectiveandreality: What does her being bisexual have to do with her not wanting to wait until marriage? Your phrasing makes it sound like you think that makes her...depraved, or hypersexual, or something.

But I digress. Sorry to hear about all that, break-ups (especially ones that are that long term) are absolutely horrible. And while I can't say I fault her for needing physical contact she really shouldn't have stayed with you at all if it was so important to her, IMHO. The whole saving yourself for marriage thing is cool, and if it's something you want to do then by all means, do it. More power to you. Sex isn't all THAT amazing anyways.

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#26 Edited by shonen3 (476 posts) - - Show Bio

People these days are immoral and have sex with mutliple people,cheat lie and use people to get ahead. The amount of people in the world with STD these days because they wanted to give it up in their teens is astonishing.

#27 Posted by Pperspectiveandreality (1926 posts) - - Show Bio

@squares:

I meant to add more about that. That's relevant because she only cheated with women.

#28 Posted by Squares (5612 posts) - - Show Bio

@pperspectiveandreality: Ohhh, that makes sense then.

After reading some of the other replies to this topic I'm genuinely astonished how many people don't respect your views on sexuality. Do people get on your case about it very often?

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#29 Posted by Gambit474 (1467 posts) - - Show Bio

The only reason people think it's bad to be a virgin is because others pressure them into thinking so. Some of these people's attitudes on sex is also why there's a lot more teen pregnancies and such nowadays compared to years ago..I always liked this billboard that they had up in town(I forgot what it was for..I just remember the caption on it)and it said "Sex makes dads, not men." So true

#30 Posted by Imagine_Man15 (1801 posts) - - Show Bio

I'm 17, and all I can say is that I really wish I'd waited. Looking at my own experiences and those of my friends, it seems sex is often quite destructive to a person when it's rushed. I respect you for waiting.

#31 Posted by Pperspectiveandreality (1926 posts) - - Show Bio

@squares:

My friends and coworkers do. They've been trying feverishly to get me laid since the breakup. But if I were a party to such things we would never have broken up.

#32 Edited by Squares (5612 posts) - - Show Bio
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#33 Edited by Orician_Seis (491 posts) - - Show Bio

It is slightly foolish to think you can expect someone to go 5 years without sex. Without it, a relationship is doomed to failure. While its all good in theory to save yourself in the fraction of chance that you will meet someone who cares. Its just not worth it. It doesn't pay off. I did the same.exact.thing. For 8 years. That relationship went nowhere. Even got married and the wait was not worth it. I'm not saying be a whore or anything but always take the option when its presented to you.

#34 Posted by TazzMission (5488 posts) - - Show Bio

It is slightly foolish to think you can expect someone to go 5 years without sex. Without it, a relationship is doomed to failure. While its all good in theory to save yourself in the fraction of chance that you will meet someone who cares. Its just not worth it. It doesn't pay off. I did the same.exact.thing. For 8 years. That relationship went nowhere. Even got married and the wait was not worth it. I'm not saying be a whore or anything but always take the option when its presented to you.

everyone is different though bro. that may just be you and im not judging but me it isnt about saving myself i am more about the relationship if anything. sure sex can make a relationship good but there are indeed people who base a relationship souly on that wich basicly is like a ok who cares about the person.

#35 Edited by Orician_Seis (491 posts) - - Show Bio

@Tazz

yes that is true. However. I don't care who you are, male or female, both have needs. One can only hold them off for so long. It enhances a relationship, gives you something to share. If it becomes the core of the relationship you did something wrong. But its not so sacred that you need to save yourself for just one person. To me its not respectable, you hit 30 and still a virgin it becomes laughable. Woman don't expect men to save themselves. After 30+ years of age they don't want a virgin. I just think you'd be setting yourself up to get burned. That's all.

#36 Posted by Squares (5612 posts) - - Show Bio

It is slightly foolish to think you can expect someone to go 5 years without sex. Without it, a relationship is doomed to failure. While its all good in theory to save yourself in the fraction of chance that you will meet someone who cares. Its just not worth it. It doesn't pay off. I did the same.exact.thing. For 8 years. That relationship went nowhere. Even got married and the wait was not worth it. I'm not saying be a whore or anything but always take the option when its presented to you.

Uh, how is getting married not going anywhere in a relationship?

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#37 Edited by TazzMission (5488 posts) - - Show Bio

@Tazz

yes that is true. However. I don't care who you are, male or female, both have needs. One can only hold them off for so long. It enhances a relationship, gives you something to share. If it becomes the core of the relationship you did something wrong. But its not so sacred that you need to save yourself for just one person. To me its not respectable, you hit 30 and still a virgin it becomes laughable. Woman don't expect men to save themselves. After 30+ years of age they don't want a virgin. I just think you'd be setting yourself up to get burned. That's all.

like i said before i seriously dont care what people think. i go by my own pace not by anybody elses and if a female cant respect me for that than hey that is on her not me.

#38 Posted by SilverPool (1384 posts) - - Show Bio

@pperspectiveandreality

Ya see? No offense but this is where I don't want to be in the future. 26 years old?? Hell naaaw!

What I would do if I was in your shoes? Oh I'd f*** the s*** out of her and prolly tell her to bring a friend(preferably female since she's bi).

Dude this is your life. So, I'm not telling you to do that. I guess my point is life is way to short. Ask yourself this question. What now? Find another girl and wait another five whole years? Then you'll be like 31. How many chicks are gonna be around for you when your a thirty one year old virgin? Better yet how many of those same chicks will have saved themselves for you? You are noble but you are not that special. Do you really believe that you are just so perfect that you can only save yourself for one person? Look at it like this: You are so awesome that giving the, as you call it, "special part of your being" to just one person would be selfish. Give it to as many chicks that will take it. I know it sucks but this is the society we live in. This type of behavior will never be accepted by women in these times(unless your Amish or something). Please, Please call this girl up tell her you're sorry. That you didn't know what you were saying. Do something so you can at least hit it for one time in five years. Tell her to teach you some stuff, man. Remember YOLO.

#39 Posted by Gambit474 (1467 posts) - - Show Bio

@Tazz

yes that is true. However. I don't care who you are, male or female, both have needs. One can only hold them off for so long. It enhances a relationship, gives you something to share. If it becomes the core of the relationship you did something wrong. But its not so sacred that you need to save yourself for just one person. To me its not respectable, you hit 30 and still a virgin it becomes laughable. Woman don't expect men to save themselves. After 30+ years of age they don't want a virgin. I just think you'd be setting yourself up to get burned. That's all.

This supports what I just said..The only reason it's "laughable" is because the ignorant pressure others into thinking such. Also if you're a guy then you probably shouldn't be stating what women want because women will even say that they vary amongst each other. "They don't want a virgin"..If they judge a guy that much based on that then she's not worth getting with in the first place

#40 Posted by Myrmidon_ (5080 posts) - - Show Bio

Honestly? I don't blame her, most people would do the same in her situation.

#41 Posted by Orician_Seis (491 posts) - - Show Bio

As someone has already said, marriage can be just a piece of paper. So in my case there was no intimacy, and without it a relationship dies. Its human nature to want it. To need it. As for it being "ignorant pressure", so what? Society has made it clear that being a virgin into your late 20s and on is an embarrassment. Society makes the rules, for better or worse is irrelevant. It doesn't matter what you think about them because they are made fact by the majority. A sexually active person and a non-sexually active person are not compatible. By fooling yourself into thinking so, you're the only harming yourself. When it comes to older woman, they don't want a boy. That's what I was trying to get across earlier. Being sexually ignorant is a bad thing. To be uneducated about it, because its not something a book can teach you. Can you make it work? Yes. Your personality can compensate for lack of experience. But as society evolves, woman are becoming less and less patient. No one wants to have to teach their significant other how to have sex. Yes this is a case by case basis, but by committing to a girl who is not a virgin, is sexually active and you are not. By trying to save yourself for someone who has already experienced sex. Well its a long shot in the dark.

#42 Posted by Jonez120 (4148 posts) - - Show Bio

@Tazz

yes that is true. However. I don't care who you are, male or female, both have needs. One can only hold them off for so long. It enhances a relationship, gives you something to share. If it becomes the core of the relationship you did something wrong. But its not so sacred that you need to save yourself for just one person. To me its not respectable, you hit 30 and still a virgin it becomes laughable. Woman don't expect men to save themselves. After 30+ years of age they don't want a virgin. I just think you'd be setting yourself up to get burned. That's all.

So true.

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#43 Posted by Pperspectiveandreality (1926 posts) - - Show Bio

I guess not very many people in this thread see this in the same way as myself.

#44 Posted by Jonez120 (4148 posts) - - Show Bio

I guess not very many people in this thread see this in the same way as myself.

You're not still going to save yourself are you?

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#45 Posted by Jonez120 (4148 posts) - - Show Bio

@pperspectiveandreality

Ya see? No offense but this is where I don't want to be in the future. 26 years old?? Hell naaaw!

What I would do if I was in your shoes? Oh I'd f*** the s*** out of her and prolly tell her to bring a friend(preferably female since she's bi).

Dude this is your life. So, I'm not telling you to do that. I guess my point is life is way to short. Ask yourself this question. What now? Find another girl and wait another five whole years? Then you'll be like 31. How many chicks are gonna be around for you when your a thirty one year old virgin? Better yet how many of those same chicks will have saved themselves for you? You are noble but you are not that special. Do you really believe that you are just so perfect that you can only save yourself for one person? Look at it like this: You are so awesome that giving the, as you call it, "special part of your being" to just one person would be selfish. Give it to as many chicks that will take it. I know it sucks but this is the society we live in. This type of behavior will never be accepted by women in these times(unless your Amish or something). Please, Please call this girl up tell her you're sorry. That you didn't know what you were saying. Do something so you can at least hit it for one time in five years. Tell her to teach you some stuff, man. Remember YOLO.

/thread

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#46 Edited by TazzMission (5488 posts) - - Show Bio

@gambit474 said:

@orician_seis said:

@Tazz

yes that is true. However. I don't care who you are, male or female, both have needs. One can only hold them off for so long. It enhances a relationship, gives you something to share. If it becomes the core of the relationship you did something wrong. But its not so sacred that you need to save yourself for just one person. To me its not respectable, you hit 30 and still a virgin it becomes laughable. Woman don't expect men to save themselves. After 30+ years of age they don't want a virgin. I just think you'd be setting yourself up to get burned. That's all.

This supports what I just said..The only reason it's "laughable" is because the ignorant pressure others into thinking such. Also if you're a guy then you probably shouldn't be stating what women want because women will even say that they vary amongst each other. "They don't want a virgin"..If they judge a guy that much based on that then she's not worth getting with in the first place

so you all of a sudden know what all women are thinking? did you just happen to question every single one of them?

thats just as dangerous as women always assuming a man only wants want thing from them. i also want to touch on that some ( not all) women dont know what they want in a guy anymore. some want the jock others want the bad boy or thug or they want to simply lead a guy on and pull the whole your like a brother to me card. my attitude is judge me for me and dont expect me to change into something im not wich is the jock. bad boy or thug. what they see is what they get and if they dont like it hey forget them and they can go spend some time with a guy like a chris brown who beats women.

#47 Posted by Pperspectiveandreality (1926 posts) - - Show Bio

@jonez120:

I absolutely am. Just making more of the differing opinions.

#49 Posted by Eisenfauste (8132 posts) - - Show Bio

@pperspectiveandreality: I'm the same way, saving myself for marriage is very important, because basing a relationship just on sex really doesn't give you much of a foundation. People I know have done it before and said when they did get married it was awful, they had no connection emotionally and honestly didn't know much about each other because it was just rooted in physical contact. Its baseline lust for lust sake, while sex isn't meant really just to be a feeling its a connection made with another person.

I agree why should I share an intimate moment like sex with someone who I may not live with at all, sex is the ultimate connection with someone because its not just physical, its also an emotional, not sad in anyway mind you, moment that you share with them.

Props to you for waiting, hang in there, there will be someone else who really will be the woman for you in every way.

#50 Posted by marvel_boy2241 (2468 posts) - - Show Bio

@pperspectiveandreality smh I'm telling you man don't do it. Well, DO IT is what I really mean. I'm sure you're really smart and nice. You probably wont have too much difficulty finding a chick. Maybe a singles bar or some online dating if you really can't find a girl in person. If you look at some...let's just call 'em internet videos, maybe you can fake it and act like you're not a complete and utter virgin. Once you lose the V-card you'll be good. I don't wanna insult your views but saving yourself is pointless. Listen to us man. Do you think we are a bunch of sex deviants? No we are trying to walk a mile in your shoes. The shoes that you are walkin' in are Nikes. And you know their slogan?

26 is still pretty young and if you hurry you can get it in at least a few times before it's all over. Listen to what we say man. You are missing a chance people literally have killed for. And for what? Some made up code?