Let’s face it, being a hero is a tough gig.
The job is mostly thankless, the toll on your personal life is unrelenting and the bill at the end for all those costume repairs nad public indemnity insurance is staggering. Many heroes are cursed to their situation, damned to being the protector of their people, their era by fate and destiny having a tango. Think of Ash from the Evil Dead series, destined to fight the Deadites when all he really wants is to share some sugar with a young lady of his choice until his dying day. Look at the fate of the Silver Surfer, poor Norrin Radd cursed to forever cruise the space ways alone due to his selfless act of heroism in the face of the cosmic tuning fork of doom, Galactus.
Yet, not all heroes are doomed to their cause, and let’s face it, a lot of them just make everything SUCK for the rest of us due to their heroic self appointment. So let us take a look at a few heroes and in one unified voice remind them that it’s NOBODIES FAULT BUT YOUR OWN!!!
BATMAN – Crime Escalation
Batman took on his mantle of fear as a means of fighting crime in the name of his murdered parents and ensuring that Bruce’s own horrific fate is not shared by others. Yet, how much good does the Batman actually do? How long has Bruce/Bats been policing the streets of Gotham? How many years has he attempted to eradicate crime, not form the streets of the world mind you, but just the streets of his own city? With all his billions, contacts, skills and detective skills, Gotham City seems to be in a worse state now than it ever has been and a big part of that is due to Batman himself.
How many psychopaths were there in Gotham before Batman showed up? How many COSTUMED psychos were there? A few, I will grant you, due to the presence of the original Green Lantern and the original Reaper and such, but nowhere NEAR as many hooded, masked and made up psychos willing to blow up half the city and pee on its remains since old Batface showed up. How many people you saved Batman? A lot? Good, because if you tally up the murders of all the psychos who have appeared because of you, you’re probably accountable as one of the greatest mass murderers of your time.
Let’s face it Bats, as a crime fighter, you suck.
SPIDERMAN – Uncle Murderer
With great power comes great responsibility. WRONG!
With cool spidey powers comes spending an incredible amount of time hanging upside dwon from ceilings and lifting cars above your head to impress the girls. But no, Peter had to go and ruin it all didn’t he? Desperate to make a few bucks (and I do mean a few) Peter becomes a pro wrestler, which is possibly why ninety nine percent of wrestlers become wrestlers also. Just like ninety nine percent of all wrestlers, Peter got screwed out of his earnings and whilst having a tantrum, lets a burglar go free when he could have stopped him. This burglar of course, then heavily ventilates Peter’s uncle with a pistol and Peter is forever cursed through guilt to be Spider-Man.
What a dick.
Still, it wasn't Peter’s lack of responsibility that lead to Uncle Ben’s death. No. It was his sheer lack of inspiration. Wrestling? Really? That was the best you could come up with, Pete!? And Spider-Man? Tell me, if you saw John Cena walking toward the ring to battle his newest opponent, The Spider-Man, would you be glued to your television set of would you hurl the nearest large, sturdy object at the tv screen hoping to end the pain? I agree. The latter I believe.
Peter, I think it’s a good thing your Uncle died of a gunshot wound, because if he hadn’t, the shame would have killed him in the end.
HULK – Emotionally unstable
The Hulk has long been labeled a monster, but let’s face it, the real monster here is Banner himself. Much like Frankenstein is truly the villain of his own particular malady, so too is the emotionally unstable world view of Dr. Bruce Banner. The Hulk is purely and simply and expression of Banner himself, the outward manifestation of his rage toward his father, the way he was treated growing up and his general resentment toward the world. I mean, for all the Hulks we have seen, there are many we haven’t (and i'm not making this stuff up), such as the ‘Guilt’ Hulk, the ‘Beast’ Hulk and the ‘Devil’ Hulk who represents the base hatred Banner carried around with him that wants to destroy the whole world.
Um, hello? Can anyone else say ‘Psych Evaluation?’
Banner is a loon. I mean, can you imagine what have happened if the Dalai Lama had been irradiated? How much damage could the Incredible Llama do to the world? A buffed up super strong Buddhist is not nearly as scary an image as a pent up eternal adolescent with daddy issues now, is it?
If the military, the government, the Avengers nad the breathing world really want to stop the Hulk, all they need is Bruce Banner and a crate full of ecstacy.
THOR – Schmuck
How bad can things be in Asgard? Twenty four seven orgies of drinking, gorging, fighting and buffed and buxom wenches and fellas as far as the eye can see (which is quite far if you’re Heimdall). You don’t die, you don’t get sick and with nothing but the occasional Ragnarok to deal with your days can be spent sipping on a fresh brew of mead and skimming pebbles off Lokis’ massive cranium.
But no, this wasn’t good enough for Thor, was it? He had to strut around Asgard acting like an ass, so much so, that his Dad ended up kicking him out of home. Jerk. Do you have a teenager for a son? I do, and I know the temptation to do the same. Teenagers are hard work, man and when they’ve got a license to carry around a bloody great hammer with them everywhere they go, doubly so. Not only did Odin kick Thor’s mooching, couch surfing arse out of Asgard, he also turned him into a cripple. Okay, so, a little harsh maybe, but when you get home from a hard days godding and you find you find that your sons taken the last soda, has his hammer on the coffee table again and is still wearing that stupid winged helmet you told him to get rid of… well… we all have our limits I suppose.
Thor. God of annoying teenagers. I hate you.