In the past, I wrote articles about adorable animal costumes or baby costumes that were cute as a button, but I've read Catwoman #1 and now, I realized that sex sells. Throw the babies and puppies out the window... literally. Two weeks ago, we looked at some super awesome (and one that looked awesome, but turned out to be garbage) Halloween costumes. Last week, we checked out some of the worst Halloween costumes on the market for this year. This week, it's time to get all sexy and whatnot.
I'm not sure if women dressing sexy has always been "the thing to do," or if I just started noticing it when I started noticing women more (circa 1987). I'm assuming it's always been a part of Halloween. However, over the past decade, I have noticed that some of these costumes are just getting sexier and sexier. Sexier doesn't always mean "more accurate" though, as you will see. It usually just means "skimpier." Let's take a look at some very sexy costumes for 2011. In addition, enjoy some wonderful extra picture captions as I try to rise in the ranks of "hilarious" fashion police commentator. US Weekly, here I come!
5. Guess What This is: The Costume!
Sexiness is subjective, so I am hoping you fine folks find these costumes as sexy as I do. Anyway, you'll never guess what costume this is. Nope, it's not a sexy Jiffy Lube employee, nor is it a sexy high school janitor. Give up? It's Sexy Michael Meyers! I know, right! They look exactly the same! You didn't even need me to tell you it was Mike Meyers (former SNL alumn, Mike Meyers? No?).
This FAB-U-LOUS jumpsuit costume comes with... oh wait... it's just the jumpsuit? With the word "Halloween" sewed onto it? You don't even get the knife? It's a $1 knife! Sexy I guess means "mixed bag of terrible and awesome, when it comes to costumes." I just checked dictionary.com, and that's not what it means. Pretty terrible costume, but regardless, it's still pretty sexy.
This priceless costume usually costs $54.99, but it's currently on sale for $39.99. I guess the website selling it just realized there hasn't been a Halloween film in a couple of years.
What makes this sexy?
It's pretty much just the skin-tight (kinda) jumpsuit... oh, cleavage doesn't hurt either. You don't need to be naked to be sexy. The downside to this is that the costume is awful and unrecognizable. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to ask this fine, young lady to change my oil filter, and no, that's not a euphemism.
Here are some other picture captions I wanted to use:
There's a $5 charge for disposal of your oil.
Stop punching yourself in the hip.
This is the worst Sindel costume I've seen yet.
Why are you posed like the letter "R?"
4. Death Stare from 1000 Yards.
I came VERY close to picking this costume for myself this Halloween, but they didn't have the extra small I was looking for. What we have here is a Kitana outfit from Mortal Kombat. This one looks pretty dead on. All that's missing is a fan made of razor sharp fans. I don't know if this is legal to wear in public though...
This costume includes the "top," the "shorts" with the attached apron, the facemask, armbands, boot tops, and headpiece. Basically, the only thing they don't give you is the boots and deadly fans. Also, it's an officially licensed Mortal Kombat product.
This puppy used to cost you $62.99, but because of the sexy costume recession, it's on sale for $49.99. Although there isn't much clothing there, it's well worth the money.
What makes this sexy?
First, bare mid-riff. As a person who spend his high school years in the late-90s, I'm all about seeing a little bit of stomach. Also, bare shoulders. Yep, I think bare shoulders are sexy. No, I'm not Amish. Again, we have a tiny bit of cleavage, and a bit of thigh action. Plus, it's Kitana, and she can kick some major ass.
Here are some more picture captions I wanted to use:
With this costume, you can look like Kitana and sound like Kenny from South Park.
I pose just like that right before I poop. (1st poop joke!)
3. A Jean Grey Costume that Doesn't Suck
This Phoenix costume is to die for... then to come back for and die again... then to wait around for a few years and then come back in another Marvel event. It's another pretty darn good looking costume, compared to the costume it's based off of. The vast majority of you will see this and say "I know what that is!" and a few of you will say "That's one sexy leprechaun."
This fantastic little outfit contains the dress, the "glovelettes" (I learned a new word!), and the boot covers. Awkward pose not included. You'll most likely have to buy yourself a red wig as well, unless you're one of those "ginger kids." I put it in quotes because they scare me.
This costume was most likely forged from the fires of a Chinese sweatshop and will cost you $84.99... Or, if you buy in the next couple weeks, you'll only pay $69.99.
We have another costume that doesn't show off too much, but it's still incredibly sexy. Why? Because you know the woman wearing this costume knows her comic books and actually cares about looking like the character. Plus, even though redheads scare me, they're kinda really hot. Phoenix=Fiery Hot. Redheads=Fiery Hot. Coincidence? No. I don't believe in coincidences. It's fate.
Here's some other captions I wanted to use:
I would look great in this costume.
I love Notre Dame's new mascot.
2. Umm... Venom?
Poison and Motley Crue groupies can't be groupies forever, and apparently, neither can their daughters. I'd tell you what this costume actually is, but frankly, it's too laughable to determine, so let's call it "Left-over scraps." Left-over scraps seems to be an attempt at some sort of black costume Spider-Man. It's really just a Black Cat mask and a venom logo plastered on the top though.
This left-over scraps costume comes with what they call a "top with attached cape," the skirt, the boot covers, glovelettes, and the boot covers. All you need now is AquaNet, Mouse, Gel, a hairdryer, and plastic surgery.
Believe it or not, get ready for a good ol' fashion knee slapper, this left-over scraps costume costs $89.99. Luckily, yes you can breathe a sigh of relief, you only have to pay $39.99. Why is everything on sale?
If you don't know what makes this costume sexy, then you're blind, and that means someone is reading this to you, and I'm not ok with that. We have more sexy mid-riff and some shoulders. This is another costume where you aren't leaving too much to the imagination though. So prepare to be cold because it's never warm on Halloween.
Here are some other picture captions I wanted to use:
She was born in 1987, which is the same year her hairstyle is from.
Someone's Spidey-Sense isn't working!
She keeps a Bon Jovi mix-tape in her purse.
1. Rosie... From the Jetsons?
::Slow 80s movie applause::
We've done it. We've finally done it. After millions upon millions of dollars from American taxpayers, we have taken one of the LEAST sexiest characters from all of television and turned it into a sexy Halloween costume. That's right. Rosie, the robot maid from The Jetsons, is now a sexy costume. We can all sleep easily tonight. I wish I could have been in the meeting when they decided to make this costume.
CEO: Boys, we're running out of costume ideas! We've done everything from sexy-angel to sexy-fairy! Where do we go next?
Idea Man: Rosie?
CEO: Perez? She's already sexy enough as is!
Idea Man: No, the robotic maid from the Jetsons!
CEO: You, sir, are a genius. Promotions for everyone! If anyone needs me, I'll be swimming in my money pit like Scrooge McDuck!
This "magical" costume comes with the dress, which has the apron attached, slevelets, and the hang bag. You need some pumps though to make this complete. You'll also have to be prepared to explain what you are to almost everyone at the Halloween party.
Guess what? This one is on sale too! Who knew? Originally, this gem would cost you $69.99, but for a limited time only, if you tell a friend, it will cost you $54.99 and I'll throw in the Slap-Chop for free!
Sexyness is subjective. Luckily, I have a venue to make my opinion louder than others, and for me, this was the sexiest of the lot: shoulders, cleavage, and legs, and it's not slutty. There seems to be a small element of class to this costume that is horribly, horribly wrong. It leaves a lot to the imagination and doesn't make a woman look like a $2 streetwalker. If you'd like to look like a $2 streetwalker, please see the "Umm... Venom" costume.
Here are some other picture captions I wanted to use:
You're Rosie from the Jetsons? Will you marry me? No, not because I think you'll be my maid. I want you to marry me because you're wearing what I believe to be a genius costume, and I truly believe we would get along extremely well.
There you have it... This is the weirdest thing, out of 578 (yes, that many) articles, that I've ever written for the site. You know what? It was worth it because I got to spend hours looking at sexy Halloween costumes, and then have to explain to others that I'm not a creep because I'm writing an article for a comic book website about sexy costumes. People may look down on me, but I'll be looking down on them when I show up as Phoenix to work on Monday.
What costumes do you think are sexy? Do you have an captions for these pictures?
Follow Mat "InferiorEgo" Elfring on the Twitter where he promises he is not sexist or sleazy in any way: @inferiorego & @TheMatElfring (This one is just jokes)
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