#1 Posted by Delphic (1467 posts) - - Show Bio

The sounds of explosions rung through the air as the craft came crashing down out of the sky. It had been many years since the last time Diana had seen something like this on Themyscira. The last time it had happened, it had been the first man to have set foot on Themyscira in eons, and that one event had changed her life forever. What could this descending mass of burning metal mean for the Amazons?

Diana traced the crafts trajectory until it fell to the ground. The sound of it crashing louder than the deepest thunder. Diana acted quickly and gathered together a small scouting team consisting of her sisters Artemis, Phillipus, and five others. They quickly mounted their horses and rode out of their small city and down through the wood to the opposite side of the island where the craft had crashed. When they finally reached the edge of the wood and onto the beach they could see the long line of damage created from where the craft had landed, and a short ways down from their position they could see the craft.

The craft was alien in design to anything Diana had seen during her visits to America. Its rectangular frame had been bent and twisted from the crash, and long blackened gashes appeared along its hull. It wasn’t huge though, as a matter of fact it wasn’t much bigger than the small private planes she had been with Steve in. Diana didn’t like not knowing what she was dealing with, but she knew she couldn’t remain standing there trying to guess just what this craft was. There could be someone on board that needed help.

“Phillipus, you and I are going down to the craft to check it out.” Diana said to the Amazonian to her left, “Artemis, set up a perimeter in case anything happens.” The red-headed Amazonian nodded and began ordering the other sisters about while Diana and Phillipus descended down into the small crater that had been created from the ships impact.

“Phillipus see if you can find an opening.” Diana directed, as they approached the vessel.

“Yes Princess, be careful Diana. I have a bad feeling about this thing.” Phillipus said before going around to the opposite side of the craft. Diana walked up to the machine and ran her fingers along its hull. There was nothing substantially miraculous about it. It seemed to be made of similar materials that men of earth would use, but what she came up upon shortly afterwards suggested that this ship was not from earth. Diana had been all over the world, and sometimes even to other planets, but this language that was printed on the side of the ship she did not recognize. There was no telling what this thing could have been.

“Princess I’ve found something!” Diana heard Phillipus yell. She immediately stopped what she was doing and ran to the other side. She found Phillipus crouched down next to what looked like a small man in a suit of armor. The armor was elegant and smooth, and the plating on its chest, arms, and legs were not very thick. Whoever this being was, his suit was designed for mobility not to withstand something like a crash. The armored figure’s face was obscured by a helmet that covered all of his head. His features were covered up by what looked like tinted glass. Diana tried to see through it, but was unable to do so due to the shade of the tint.

“I’ve tried to get his helmet off, but I can’t find a latch or anything.” Phillipus said, and then paused for a moment as if she was pondering what to say next. “Diana, whatever it is, it’s not breathing.” Diana sighed and looked away.

“I’m sorry princess. Sometimes we can’t save them all.”

“Let’s search the ship, perhaps there’s someone else in there, or something that can tell us who or what this was.” Next to the body had been an opening large enough for one person to crawl through. Diana assumed this was where the armored figured had crawled out of the ship before he met the horrible fate that had befallen him. Once inside Diana stood up and finally got a chance to look around. She was not prepared for what she would find. As she stood in shock, Phillipus came through shortly after, and after seeing what Diana was seeing exclaimed,

“By the Gods!” The ship was littered with bodies of its inhabitants. The majority of which were in armor like the one they had found outside either had their limbs broken or were missing limbs completely. A thick blue liquid ran down the walls which Diana could only surmise as the blood of the victims. “What in Hades happened here? It even looks like one of them was ripped in half.” Diana looked over in Phillipus direction and noticed the one she was speaking of. Its upper torso looked like it had been ripped away leaving the armor in twisted jagged edges, and a blue muscular structure falling out from the wound.

“Let’s get out of here. Judging by what we’re seeing I doubt there were any survivors.” Diana said,

“Agreed” Phillipus replied. At that moment when the two were turning to leave they heard the first signs of life since entering the ship. There was a rustle then a low growl, and when they turned around they saw something rising from among the bodies. It looked human, but it was huge. Its skin was a shade of fuchsia and its eyes shined with a florescent green glow. As it stood to its full height, or at least what Diana assumed was its full height, it took up much of the interior. Diana could make out small chunks of armor across its body, hanging from small threads of cloth. A helmet much like the others was on its head except it was twisted and the visor was shattered. Its mouth was exposed just enough for Diana to make out the blue blood dripping from its lips.

“I think we’ve found what killed everyone.” Phillipus said as she drew her sword and took a defensive stance.

“I was just thinking the same thing.” Diana said as she prepared herself in case the beast charged, “Back out slowly, perhaps it won’t notice us.” As soon as she said it, the beast reared its head and roared.

“RUN FOR IT!” Diana shouted and both dove for the hole they had entered. As soon as the made it through, they hit the ground running. The rest of the Amazon’s saw them running, and took up formation to prepare them for whatever it was that was chasing them. Diana and Phillipus had almost made it back when the creature finally busted through the hull of the ship. The creature charged, and the amazons retaliated with a volley of spears. Some managed to pierce the creature’s skin, but others bounced off. Either way the spears did not slow the creature down.

“Move!” Artemis shouted to them all when the creature was nearly upon them. The Amazon’s darted out of the way, as the creature leapt forward. Two of the Amazon’s had not been quick enough one fell underneath the creature, her leg breaking instantly as all of the creature’s weight was put on top of it. The other was grabbed by creature’s massive hands.

“Artesia! Let her go you bastard!” Artemis shouted as she threw another spear at the creatures head. This only angered the creature further, and Artesia who had been attempting to fight back by stabbing the creature’s arm with her sword suddenly let out an earsplitting scream as the creature’s muscles flexed crushing her insides and breaking her ribs and spine. Blood began to drain from Artesia’s lips muffling her scream, causing her to gurgle as she started to drown in her own blood. The Amazons could only look on in horror at what happened next. The creature grabbed Artesia with both hands tearing her torso away from her legs, and threw what remained of Artesia straight at Artemis. Who in shock of what she had just seen was not quick enough to move out of the way and was knocked off her horse and to the ground.

The Amazon who had been crippled by the beast still lay at his feet mostly forgotten. Diana had to get close to save her, because if she left her there she would surely die, and Diana wasn’t going to lose another sister to this monster.

“Keep him occupied while I get close. I’m going after Rebekah.” Diana commanded. Diana ran towards Rebekah as the Amazons began to circle and charge the monster. What happened next happened so fast, that even Diana with all her training could not have stopped it. The monster had not been slow, and in her desperation to save another sister she forgot to account for the creature’s speed. She had only been a few feet away from Rebekah when suddenly the world began to swirl and the breath was knocked from her very lungs. Pain seared across her back as she was slammed into the beach with such force that only Superman himself had ever come close to performing such a feat. Her ears began to ring, and her head echoed pain as she felt the creatures fist slam into her face twice and sandwich it against the ground with each blow. She couldn’t hear anything, and she could taste the blood in her mouth. She couldn’t see out of her right eye for it had swollen shut, and it burned with a sheer ferocity. Out of her left eye she could make out the beast through the tears that filled it.

She saw its arm rise again, as if it were in slow motion. The monsters eyes glowed like the fires of hades. It was the end. Diana of Themyscira, the Wonder Woman, had failed. She would not close her eyes to death though. She wanted to look the bastard right in the eyes as it dealt the final blow. She waited, and waited, and waited. She waited for what felt like an eternity, even though in reality it was only a few seconds. As her sight began to clear she could see the creature was struggling. Something was holding it back, but she could only make out its shadow. Suddenly the shadow moved, and even over the ringing in her ears Diana could hear the beast’s painful roars, as it backed away. She felt someone grab her hand and lift her up onto her feet. She was dizzy, but after a few seconds her vision started to clear. What she came face to face with as soon as she finally regained focus was something she did not expect to see. It was the dead armored man, though now clearly not dead.

Diana stared into the dark visor as whatever it was behind it stared back at her. Her shock was broken when the armored man shook her, and pointed to her lasso. He then made motions pointing toward the monster that was still reeling in pain from a broken arm that Diana assumed this armored being was responsible for. It made a motion moving its arms around its head and then pulling both arms down like it was trying to tighten something. Diana understood what the armored figure wanted, and took her lasso from her belt and nodded. The figure took his fist and slammed it into his open left hand, and turned running straight toward the beast.

Diana readied her lasso, and looked up waiting for the right moment to assist the armored figure. The enraged beast was still fast, despite its one broken limb. Except now it would clumsily strike, but its sheer strength forced the armored figure to use all it had to stop its blows. He managed to dodge one blow, and unleashed a barrage of punches into the creature’s abdomen, causing it to double over. He landed three more punches on the head disorienting it, and causing it to stumble. That was when Diana saw her opening. She unleashed her lasso roping the hulking beast around the neck. Using what strength she possessed, Diana dug her feet in and pulled. The giant beast fell to the ground, where it lay still just long enough for the armored figure to make its move.

What the armored figure did next Diana could not stop, in truth she didn’t really want to. There was always that struggle within her that life is sacred no matter what the form, and then there was her mindset of a warrior who set out to destroy her enemies. She did not revel in the moment though when the armored figure raised its arm above its head then brought it crashing down through the back of the beast’s skull. The beast roared in pain. It struggled to take control again, but it was too late. The armored figured pulled its arm free holding in its hand a metallic device stained with the blue blood that Diana had seen enough of for one day.

The beast calmed and its arms let loose small quivers. A gurgle erupted from its throat. Then the armored figure reached down, grabbed the beast by both sides of its head and twisted, breaking the creature’s neck with a sickening crack. Finally the beast ceased its movement. It was finally over. The monster was dead.

Diana was suddenly overcome with exhaustion, and fell to her knees. She took her first deep breath since the struggle for survival had begun. She saw her sisters, who had since backed off since the armored figure took to the field, run to tend to the wounded. She heard footsteps running, and then suddenly Phillipus was by her side.

“Your highness, are you wounded!?” Phillipus said frantically, “Tell me are you injured. Speak to me Diana.”

“I’m fine Phillipus.” Diana managed to say through exasperated breaths. Out of the corner of her eyes she saw a hint of gold. It was her lasso. In her exhaustion she had dropped the rope, and now before her stood the armored figured holding the very lasso, bundled together neatly. The lasso which no man should have been able to touch was being handed back to her by whoever this being was that had saved her and her sisters. Diana took the rope and stood to her feet.

“You have my thanks on behalf of myself, and the rest of the Amazons. Without your assistance we all would have surely perished.”

“We could have taken it.” Artemis spat having had walked up on the spectacle. Diana turned and gave her a glare, and Artemis simply rolled her eyes in annoyance. Artemis pride always had to make itself known.

“Despite what my sister says, we are in debt to you. What is your name?” Diana asked, but the armored figure only turned its head sideways. Diana could see now that the figured did not know what she was saying. She wasn’t going to get anything from whoever this was. Then she remembered how they had communicated earlier with hand signals. She held her hand to her chest and said her name: “Diana. I am Diana. Diana.” Then she took her hand and touched the armored figures chest plate. This time though her hair seemed to stand on end and an electric shock ran through her entire system. The pain was insurmountable. She could not stop herself from screaming due to the agony she felt. Then she began to see visions, of a world far beyond any she had ever been to.

She saw suffering and death. She saw a war torn civilization, and a battlefield filled with soldiers like the armored figure before her. She saw a courtroom and shackles. She saw a roaring crowd, as a shackled figure walked through a long brightly lit corridor. They were chanting in a language that Diana could not understand. She saw armed guards, and then she saw blackness. The pain ceased, and Diana fell forward, but the armored figure caught her, and steadied her. That was when she saw his face.

During her vision the armored figure had seemed to have removed his helmet. She saw a man’s face. There was nothing remarkable about him. He looked like any other man with brown hair and pale skin. The only thing that stood out was his eyes. They were a florescent violet and glowed much like the beast’s had, but instead of menacing and vicious these seemed to gentle, but at the same time distant and cold the longer you looked into them. Then the armored man spoke for the first time in a stern voice saying:

“I, Xyber.”

#2 Posted by RazzaTazz (9577 posts) - - Show Bio
@Delphic: Interesting start, keep it going!
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#3 Posted by xxYoungFatexx (99 posts) - - Show Bio

Good story, here are some critique and suggestions. I marked your stuff, my problem with it, and then my suggestion.

The sounds of explosions rung through the air as the craft came crashing down out of the sky. It had been many years since the last time Diana had seen something like this on Themyscira. The last time it had happened, it had been the first man to have set foot on Themyscira in eons, and that one event had changed her life forever. What could this descending mass of burning metal mean for the Amazons?

1. The second sentence had a problem with wordiness, in my opinion. It would have been much simpler to write:

- It had been years since Diana had seen something like this on Themyscira.

2. Third sentence does not need “have”.

- The last time it had happened, it had been the first man to set foot on Themyscira in eons, and that one event had changed her life forever.

3. My suggested complete Revision of paragraph 1.

- The sounds of explosions rung through the air as the craft came crashing down out of the sky. It had been years since Diana had seen something like this on Themyscira. The last time it had happened, it had been the first man to set foot on Themyscira in eons, and that one event had changed her life forever. What could this descending mass of burning metal mean for the Amazons?

Diana traced the crafts trajectory until it fell to the ground. The sound of it crashing louder than the deepest thunder. Diana acted quickly and gathered together a small scouting team consisting of her sisters Artemis, Phillipus, and five others. They quickly mounted their horses and rode out of their small city and down through the wood to the opposite side of the island where the craft had crashed. When they finally reached the edge of the wood and onto the beach they could see the long line of damage created from where the craft had landed, and a short ways down from their position they could see the craft.

1. Second sentence is a fragment.

2. Third sentence simplified more.

- Diana acted quickly and gathered a small scouting team consisting of her sisters Artemis, Phillipus, and five others.

3. Last sentence is slightly problematic because of a missing comma, which when taken out, causes its sentence structure to be slightly awkward.

4. - When they finally reached the edge of the wood and onto the beach, they could see the long line of damage created from where the craft landed, short ways down from their position they could see it.

The craft was alien in design to anything Diana had seen during her visits to America. Its rectangular frame had been bent and twisted from the crash, and long blackened gashes appeared along its hull. It wasn’t huge though, as a matter of fact it wasn’t much bigger than the small private planes she had been with Steve in. Diana didn’t like not knowing what she was dealing with, but she knew she couldn’t remain standing there trying to guess just what this craft was. There could be someone on board that needed help.

1. Sentence 2 has problems with English passive voice. You used, “Bent and twisted”, which contradict each other when you use “been” in front of bent. If you removed been, the passive voice would not be an issue.

2. – Its rectangular frame had bent and twisted from the crash, and long blackened gashes appeared along its hull.

The story was really good, except some grammatical errors here and there. You have good variation of sentence structure. If I had more time I would revise or check more of it. However, I need to take a shower xD.

#4 Posted by SC (12910 posts) - - Show Bio

Cool stuff Delphic.

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#5 Posted by The Poet (8335 posts) - - Show Bio

@Delphic: VERY COOL! (this is your first fan fic?)

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#6 Posted by Delphic (1467 posts) - - Show Bio

@The Poet: For this site yes. And Thank you :)

#7 Posted by Delphic (1467 posts) - - Show Bio

@xxYoungFatexx: Thank you for the critical review. I always strive in my writing to translate feeling into words, because I want my readers to be able to see and feel the situation I'm telling them about. When I do that I sometimes tend to forget the finer points of English grammar, which I've never been good at anyway. :P Once again thank you for the review.

#8 Posted by wildvine (8772 posts) - - Show Bio

Really, really good. : )

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#9 Posted by Raiiyn (3450 posts) - - Show Bio

Interesting concept m'dear =)

Can't wait to see more ;P

#10 Posted by Delphic (1467 posts) - - Show Bio

@wildvine: Thank you :)

@Raiiyn: Trust me you'll get to see more soon.

#11 Posted by Fuchsia_Nightingale (10180 posts) - - Show Bio

Great start D <3

#12 Posted by feebadger (1445 posts) - - Show Bio

As someone writing their own Wonder WOman fan fic at the moment, i love your take on her. Can't wait to read more.

#13 Posted by Delphic (1467 posts) - - Show Bio

@Fuchsia_Nightingale: Thanks

@feebadger: Thank you, and hopefully soon I will have the next chapter out. Just have some editing to do.