#1 Edited by benben178 (163 posts) - - Show Bio

Previous chapters:

Chapter 1: http://www.comicvine.com/forums/fan-fic/8/the-five-spider-men-chapter-1-the-white-spider/746427/

Chapter 2: http://www.comicvine.com/forums/fan-fic/8/chapter-2-the-white-spider/747534/rvel characters

I do not own any rights to ma

Mission: Kill Venom

Location:Bronx, New York, New York

Date:December 10, 2012

Once again for any of you who didn't read the last chapter I am White Spider! I am a ninja who has spider-man's DNA. My clan gave me this DNA for their own purposes, and I have proved my goal that I was better than Spider-Man. I beat the weakling in a battle; he better be glad i din't kill him with Tiome, the Sword that holds a mixture of the worlds ten most venomous spiders. Now I am back to looking for Venom the creature that took the Jewl of Hasuku a jewel that gives the holder insight to the universe. I must bring the jewel back to my clan.

It's been 5 days since I find the Venoms. 2 days ago I contacted master Mishram my uncle, who took me in after my father was assasinated, and my mom left me for her own goals. I hated thinking about how my mom left me... It felt painful knowing that your mom never gave a damn about your well being. I tried not thinking about it while talking to Master Mishram, I told him about the liquid adamantium. He quickly filled me in on it's properties, and how it was used for the weapon X projects for experiments. Like for example on one of our clan allies named wolverine. My uncle told me to be cautious cause anything that had to deal that substance didn't turn out well.

So now I'm on a stake out at this osborn chemical factory. From what I have been told there have been some suspicious dealings around there. Seems Osborn has his hand in everything around New York. I've been out here for two days, looking for activity, but thing is that nothing has came by I've also been checking on the last spot that was hit may I mention the police were there 24/7. I was injured pretty badly for 2 days, but thank God for quick healing. That was a natural thing of mine before I got the DNA. I had quick regeneration, and quicker reflexes thats why I was chosen for the DNA, and... We got something.

There is a venom not the original though. He's got a friend to seems like Osborn deals with the black market as well. He has several men with guns transporting some containers. I put my goggles on zoom, and saw that the container said Liquid vibranium. Oh God! What is going on what is Venom planning. I'll just wait, and follow. They loaded the Liquid Vibranium up in the van, and drove off. I started to follow jumping from building to building! As they went further they drove into a dark neighborhood. I run down apartments, and condos cars that were on jacks. Then there were homeless men around the area, in fact the kept looking around. When the fan came up it stopped in front of the homeless guy, and nodded, and the van moved on. When I looked closer in one house it was filled with guns, and ammo. Now that I think about it all of them were. What was up with it all of them filled with guns, and as I went further down I saw mansion of sorts, that was run down. It had several homeless around the house, and the man got out of the van, but he wasn't a venom anymore. What was going on.

TO BE CONTINUED!!!!

Hello I am a young teenage writer working on his own book, and comics. So please support help me better myself in writing. Make my fan base bigger please!

#2 Posted by batkevin74 (10995 posts) - - Show Bio

@benben178 said:

Chapter 1: http://www.comicvine.com/forums/fan-fic/8/the-five-spider-men-chapter-1-the-white-spider/746427/

Chapter 2: http://www.comicvine.com/forums/fan-fic/8/chapter-2-the-white-spider/747534/rvel characters

Mission: Kill Venom

Location: Bronx, New York, New York

Date: December 10, 2012

Once again for any of you who didn't read the last chapter I am White Spider! I am a ninja who has spider-man's DNA. My clan gave me this DNA for their own purposes, and I have proved my goal that I was better than Spider-Man. I beat the weakling in a battle; he better be glad I didn't kill him with Tiome, the Sword that holds a mixture of the world’s ten most venomous spiders. Now I am back to looking for Venom the creature that took the Jewel of Hasuku a jewel that gives the holder insight to the universe. I must bring the jewel back to my clan.

It's been five days since I find the Venoms. Two days ago I contacted master Mishram my uncle, who took me in after my father was assassinated, and my mom left me for her own goals. I hated thinking about how my mom left me... It felt painful knowing that your mom never gave a damn about your well being. I tried not thinking about it while talking to Master Mishram, I told him about the liquid adamantium. He quickly filled me in on it's properties, and how it was used for the weapon X projects for experiments. Like for example on one of our clan allies named wolverine. My uncle told me to be cautious because anything that had to deal that substance didn't turn out well.

So now I'm on a stake out at this Osborn chemical factory. From what I have been told there have been some suspicious dealings around there. Seems Osborn has his hand in everything around New York. I've been out here for two days, looking for activity, but thing is that nothing has came by I've also been checking on the last spot that was hit may I mention the police were there 24/7. I was injured pretty badly for two days, but thank God for quick healing. That was a natural thing of mine before I got the DNA. I had quick regeneration, and quicker reflexes that’s why I was chosen for the DNA, and... We got something.

There is a Venom, not the original though. He's got a friend to seems like Osborn deals with the black market as well. He has several men with guns transporting some containers. I put my goggles on zoom, and saw that the container said Liquid vibranium. Oh God! What is going on what is Venom planning. I'll just wait, and follow. They loaded the Liquid Vibranium up in the van, and drove off. I started to follow jumping from building to building! As they went further they drove into a dark neighborhood. I run down apartments, and condos cars that were on jacks. Then there were homeless men around the area, in fact they kept looking around. When the fan came up, it stopped in front of the homeless guy, nodded, and the van moved on. When I looked closer in one house it was filled with guns and ammo. Now that I think about it all of them were. What was up with it all of them filled with guns, and as I went further down I saw mansion of sorts, that was run down. It had several homeless around the house, and the man got out of the van, but he wasn't a venom anymore. What was going on?

Okay, stuff in bold are typos & grammatical errors I corrected for you, if you write it on a Word doc first for example it'll pick all that up for you.

It's good but your last paragraph is disjointed eg: He's got a friend to seems like Osborn deals...I think you know what you mean but reading it, it make no sense.

Let's see some more Ninja Spider action

#3 Posted by benben178 (163 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: Thanks!!!

#4 Edited by All_Mighty_Beyonder (1578 posts) - - Show Bio

@benben178: okey, good work, i'm not gonna talk about the small grammatical errors, i'm not better myself, but i'll make some notes about the story.

  • this is chapter 3 and i still don't see the cool entrance, maybe because i'm more influenced by anime and manga, but i think every hero deserve a cool entrance where he appears...let's say "majestic" and "mighty". because untill now your hero seems ordinary, specially since he's a new hero that nobody know yet, that's why he needs a cool entrance to attract readers and make special hero's charisma.
  • i'm not sure what's the style of writing you want or love to do, but i think putting more dialog is necessary to break the monotony of description. i mean, your description is awsome, but this is not a novel, is it? it's more a comic writing no? if so, you need more dialog.
  • i saw through those 3 chapters that you lack funny scenes. maybe your character look a bit dark, that's cool, but funny scenes and funny quotes, are a very good ingredient to attract the readers.

good story though, i like many parts, specially the " and... We got something" thing. :D

#5 Posted by benben178 (163 posts) - - Show Bio

@All_Mighty_Beyonder: Thank you

#6 Posted by benben178 (163 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: @All_Mighty_Beyonder: http://www.comicvine.com/forums/fan-fic/8/white-spider-chapter-4/753842/