Eva (the new mutant): Come in Mr. Summers, I'm just getting into my costume!
Cyclops: Heh heh..Hope's not the only one who can touch new mutants.
(Cyclops rubs his hands greedily)
Cyclops: It's been over a year since I've done this, there's no way in hell he could possibly be....
(Chris Hansen flies out of a closet and kicks Scott in the throat)
Chris: Surprise, bitch! I'm right here! Been here the whole time!
(Cyclops raises his eyebrow)
Cyclops: You've been hiding in a closet for over a year and a half. Do you not see a problem with this?
Chris: You're still picking up underage girls, do YOU not see the problem with this. I mean dude, you just killed Professor Xavier, why is your ass not in JAIL!?
Cyclops: That was a few issues ago, and by the laws of comic books, if a superhero is broken out of jail he stays out of jail if he instantly rescues a kitten or does something heroic because everyone forgets that he broke the law in the first place because they are too distratced by that, ergo nobody remembers that there's a plothole.
(Chris Hansen scratches his head)
Chris: There's a law of comic books?
(Cyclops puts on glasses over his visor and gets a scholar's robe on)
Cyclops: Doop..fetch me the scroll.
(Doop floats in and hands Scott a large scroll. Scott Clears his throat).
Cyclops: Law one is what I already stated. Law Two: If a character is somehow killed, no funeral is allowed unless it is a major character and a major death only because it will cause sales to double. If said character is brought back to life, joy or surprise must last for no longer than five issues in which everyone will forget said character is dead in the first place.
Chris: Yeah but what does this---
Cyclops: I'm not done. So sit down and shut up
(Chris Hansen plops down quietly on a stool)
Cyclops: Law Three: If a superhero or supervillian is caught cheating on someone with someone else, the only way they can respond is "This isn't what it looks like!"
Chris: You know that one all too well...*cough*
(Cyclops gives Chris the finger)
Cyclops: Law four: Any major character changes such as sudden angst or sudden gonads must be written off as trauma or as possession to make it more credible. Law Five: If there is a long term romance, it must be broken up and replaced with a romance that people never see coming. That way sales continue to skyrocket. Okay let me see here....
(Scott shuffles through papers)
Chris: Seriously, Mr. Summers that still doesn't answer---
Cyclops: Law Six: Having sexual intercourse with a clone, alternate reality version or doppleganger of yourself is considered Incest and not Masturbation although it is up for debate. Law Seven: When a character dies a very violent and very tragic or very meaningful death, the next death surrounding it has to be so lame and watered down so nobody forgets it.
(Chris slams his hand on the table)
Chris: Okay, enough of this bullshit. What's the point of this!? This isn't related to why you're trying to pick up underage girls!
(Cyclops starts sniffling)
Cyclops: Emma left me....I need my snookie....
(Cyclops curls into a ball and begins sucking on his thumb)
Chris: Is that it? There there...I'll get you some snookie...come on out Logan!
(Cyclops stands up in a rage)
Cyclops: Oh you SICK BITCH!
(Wolverine comes in wearing a speedo)
Wolverine: Someone call for a little...adamantium!?
(Wolverine puts his hands behind his head and shakes his hips)
Cyclops: NO...NOO...DEAR GOD NO....WHYYYYYYYYYYY....
(Cyclops steals one of Wolverine's swords and attempts to commit seppuku)
Cyclops: Goodbye cruel world.
(Jean Grey flies in)
Jean: Scott...Don't...I love you!
(Cyclops gets so surprised he stabs himself in the stomach and passes out on the floor)
(Wolverine does the same thing)
Chris: Wait didn't the Phoenix get killed in Avengers Vs X-Men
Jean: Silly Chris, you can never kill REDUNDANCY.
(Jean flies out of the window)
Chris: Um...that's all the time we have for today..thank you for watching to --
Cyclops: Mark my words Chris, our feud's renewed. A year and a half won't stop me. I swear to god I'll get my revenge on you for this. And then I'll get my snookie.