#1 Edited by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

Nobody knows how it happened....

The end of days occurred three hundred years ago to the date...I am one of the few men immune to The End disease...My Family and I are one of the last survivors on the continent...I left to find food early this morning...

My name is Jay Morillo, and I am one of the last men on Earth.

Earlier in the day, I had grabbed my shotgun and went to catch something for my family to eat....I lost track of time in the hunting, and it's beginning to get dark...They come out after dark.

Sweat stains adorn my shirt as I place one foot in front of the other. The noise of my shoes makes a shifting sound as I walk slowly. My grip on my shotgun tightens as I begin to pace forward.

I grow hyper aware of my surroundings with animal senses that have blessed me since the survival gene kicked in a few years back.My knuckles whiten as my grip grows ever tighter. My eyes wander back and forth. They dart up to the sky. There was once a moon there...today all that remains is a ring of rocks floating around the Earth...nobody knows why.

A familiar sound of teeth scraping flesh catches me off guard. They're here.

My instincts kick in and I find cover. Darkness envelopes the land. A splatter of blood lands on the sidewalk. Not a man's blood...They're feasting on animals.

I rub hand back and forth along my shotgun as I back away slowly. I hear the grunts as They feast on a poor animal. the thing lets out a final groan before dying.

My eyes widen as I hear the crunch of a twig under my feet.

They look up. I weigh my options swiftly. They'll be here soon. My pace quickens. I break into a run. I pant swiftly as I begin to run.

I hear it. They make the noise.

It's a mixture of a dog bark, nails on a chalkboard and marble scraping steel. They will have their friends here soon.

The smell of rotten flesh fills my lungs as They arrive. A rabid "animal" of dead skin and rotting corpses make Their way towards me. I loud crack is heard as bullets rip through Their head. Another makes a dive for me grabbing my ankle. I hear a snap as I go sprawling to the ground. They have the virus. It's taken full control now.

I let out a cry of agony as rotted teeth bite into my ankle. A desperate grab for my gun is made and another crack rings through the air. Three more cracks and three more corpses fall.

I tell myself to ignore the pain. Work through it. Pain is the enemy. Pain is the weakness.

My house falls into my view. Hopefully my family hasn't locked up yet. Another one of Them runs up at me. A blur of motion and the butt of my gun rams straight into Their stomach. As it keels over a crack is heard and They fall to the ground with a chunk of lead in their head.

One more bullet left.

They appear in front of me. the last one of Them. It's moves are a blur of motion like water. I duck under the punch and meet a knee the the face. I fall backwards hitting my head in the steps to my house. Blood loss...hard to focus.

They beat me like a cat playing with it's prey. Rotted nails claw at my face. With a swift move of my arms my shotgun slams into Their face. They reel backwards in pain letting out another cry. More of them will be here son. I'll have to end this quick. Blood loss adulterates my vision. Only one shot...make it count.

A crack. A body falls to the ground.

In a few second I make it to the house. I've bolted the door in another few seconds.

My eyes widen in shock...I see Them in my house...only one of Them. Blood runs from it's mouth like a waterfall. Right now I don't care what it's feasted on. My family...an animal....I don't care.

It ends tonight. All of it. Determination flashes into my eyes like fire. I grab a glock and make a desperate fire....I miss.

It runs at me, we meet each other with savage ferocity...I may be immune to Their virus...

But inside....we are the same.

We both do what we must to survive.

#2 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

and please read this.

#3 Posted by Blizaga101 (936 posts) - - Show Bio

Hrm, nicely vivid, you really evoke the sense of the primary character in great detail. Not my cup of tea these apocalyptic tales n such but that doesn't negate the great affect of the writing :D

#4 Posted by nomadicxnightmare (142 posts) - - Show Bio

Interesting. You have certainly captured the atmosphere quite nicely and you can really sense the fear and urgency of the main character. I will admit I'm a little burned out on zombie/outbreak/post apocalyptic stories these days due to over saturation, but it's still a good piece! Well done. I assume this is something original you came up with? Any unusual twists you might add in to make the genre fresh? :D

#5 Posted by 4donkeyjohnson (1684 posts) - - Show Bio

I Am Legend...

#6 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

@Blizaga101 said:

Hrm, nicely vivid, you really evoke the sense of the primary character in great detail. Not my cup of tea these apocalyptic tales n such but that doesn't negate the great affect of the writing :D

thanks! Glad you like it!

@nomadicxnightmare said:

Interesting. You have certainly captured the atmosphere quite nicely and you can really sense the fear and urgency of the main character. I will admit I'm a little burned out on zombie/outbreak/post apocalyptic stories these days due to over saturation, but it's still a good piece! Well done. I assume this is something original you came up with? Any unusual twists you might add in to make the genre fresh? :D

I came up with this. Glad you liked it.

I found inspiration from watching I am Legend and randomly decided to make a story similar to it.

@4donkeyjohnson said:

I Am Legend...

Exactly! My inspiration for this piece.

#7 Posted by GR2Blackout (2564 posts) - - Show Bio
#8 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

@GR2Blackout said:

O_____O

THE BEST COMMENT I CAN EVER GET!

#9 Posted by feebadger (1445 posts) - - Show Bio

There is a great sense of dread and urgency in this tale primepower, but can i give a few pointers? Yes? Good. ;P

-I don't really understand how "Me and my family are one of the three last survivors on the continent" This sentence doesn't really make sense to me. Firstly, it should probably read "my family and i" and secondly, how can they be one of the last three survivors? Shouldn't they be three of the last six? Or if you are only talking about the family themselves as being the last survivors, then they should be the last three survivors.

-I know the story is primarily about the hunter and i know it's a relatively short one, but we know absolutely nothing about the family, which makes us care for the protagonist and the story less than we should. Perhaps some details there? Also, i know that you're leaving an air of mystery as to what actually happened, but perhaps a few more details to better define the world we're trying to imagine? The same goes with the mention of his animal instincts and the 'survival gene.' These sound like great concepts but they're kind of mentioned really quickly then thrown aside. Perhaps you coukld elaborate on some of these, as there is a thin line between mystery and a lack of information.

-The constant referral to the creatures as They really starts to distract from the story after a while. It's a bit too repetitive and perhaps you could find some other ways to refer to them.

-It's hard to get an image of what They look like. The only description is that they look like "A rabid animal of dead skin and rotting corpses" which gets confused a bit later on when the main character has to "duck under the punch and meet a knee the the face." Are they animals or humans? Do they have fists, knees or claws? Not sure what he's really fighting.

-I'm not really sure that blood loss can 'adulterate' your vision. A small thing, but i think you've gotten your meanings mixed up there.

I hope you don't mind the pointers, but i know that you'd mentioned to me previously that you wanted as much help as you can get so i just want to try and make your story as good as it can be. Feel free to question or disregard any of my points, and comments aside, i really did like it. Nice work, mister!

#10 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

@feebadger said:

There is a great sense of dread and urgency in this tale primepower, but can i give a few pointers? Yes? Good. ;P

-I don't really understand how "Me and my family are one of the three last survivors on the continent" This sentence doesn't really make sense to me. Firstly, it should probably read "my family and i" and secondly, how can they be one of the last three survivors? Shouldn't they be three of the last six? Or if you are only talking about the family themselves as being the last survivors, then they should be the last three survivors.

-I know the story is primarily about the hunter and i know it's a relatively short one, but we know absolutely nothing about the family, which makes us care for the protagonist and the story less than we should. Perhaps some details there? Also, i know that you're leaving an air of mystery as to what actually happened, but perhaps a few more details to better define the world we're trying to imagine? The same goes with the mention of his animal instincts and the 'survival gene.' These sound like great concepts but they're kind of mentioned really quickly then thrown aside. Perhaps you coukld elaborate on some of these, as there is a thin line between mystery and a lack of information.

-The constant referral to the creatures as They really starts to distract from the story after a while. It's a bit too repetitive and perhaps you could find some other ways to refer to them.

-It's hard to get an image of what They look like. The only description is that they look like "A rabid animal of dead skin and rotting corpses" which gets confused a bit later on when the main character has to "duck under the punch and meet a knee the the face." Are they animals or humans? Do they have fists, knees or claws? Not sure what he's really fighting.

-I'm not really sure that blood loss can 'adulterate' your vision. A small thing, but i think you've gotten your meanings mixed up there.

I hope you don't mind the pointers, but i know that you'd mentioned to me previously that you wanted as much help as you can get so i just want to try and make your story as good as it can be. Feel free to question or disregard any of my points, and comments aside, i really did like it. Nice work, mister!

Thanks for the pointers and I'm glad you like it!

#11 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

#12 Posted by batkevin74 (10865 posts) - - Show Bio

@primepower53 said:

Nobody knows how it happened....

The end of days occurred three hundred years ago to the date...I am one of the few men immune to The End disease...My Family and I are one of the last survivors on the continent...I left to find food early this morning...

The opening line doesn't make sense, coz you haven't told us a date, time or anything and you also say 'Nobody knows..." Other than that it's okay; very I Am Legend which in turn was a remake/homage of Omega Man which is far better in my opinion

#13 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74 said:

@primepower53 said:

Nobody knows how it happened....

The end of days occurred three hundred years ago to the date...I am one of the few men immune to The End disease...My Family and I are one of the last survivors on the continent...I left to find food early this morning...

The opening line doesn't make sense, coz you haven't told us a date, time or anything and you also say 'Nobody knows..." Other than that it's okay; very I Am Legend which in turn was a remake/homage of Omega Man which is far better in my opinion

thanks

#14 Posted by 4donkeyjohnson (1684 posts) - - Show Bio

It is good, but very similar to I Am Legend. Good job though

#15 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

@4donkeyjohnson said:

It is good, but very similar to I Am Legend. Good job though

thanks

#16 Posted by tomdickharry1984 (837 posts) - - Show Bio

S'its vampire world! Not bad at all!

#17 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

@tomdickharry1984 said:

S'its vampire world! Not bad at all!

THANKS A LOT!

#18 Posted by Ms. Omega (4479 posts) - - Show Bio

I like it its very creepy.

#19 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio
#20 Posted by CapFanboy (5241 posts) - - Show Bio

Bump.

#21 Posted by tomdickharry1984 (837 posts) - - Show Bio

@tomdickharry1984 said: S'its vampire world! Not bad at all! THANKS A LOT!____It's okay no ned to shout :)

#22 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

@tomdickharry1984 said:

@tomdickharry1984 said: S'its vampire world! Not bad at all! THANKS A LOT!____It's okay no ned to shout :)

lol?

#23 Posted by tomdickharry1984 (837 posts) - - Show Bio

I read yur reply 'THANKS A LOT' as shouting...whatevs, its a good story, write another one about a mummy

#24 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

@tomdickharry1984 said:

I read yur reply 'THANKS A LOT' as shouting...whatevs, its a good story, write another one about a mummy

maybe...

#25 Posted by RedRobinTimDrake (145 posts) - - Show Bio

it was great It kept me wanting to know what was going to happen next!

#26 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

@RedRobinTimDrake said:

it was great It kept me wanting to know what was going to happen next!

thank you very much!