The Warzone: Writing Exercise

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Guardiandevil83

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#1  Edited By Guardiandevil83

Writers Note: Want to get better at writing action, so I figured a big random fight would help in that regard.

"It's been three days since things went nuts. Three days since the dome went up, and we've been fighting. Kate and I have managed to survive so far; but honestly, I don't know how long that will last. If anyone on the outside can hear me.. please, help us."-Clint Barton.

No Caption Provided

"Clint! watch your a$$!" Kate Bishop shouted at her mentor. She reached for an arrow as she did so. Placing it on the string of her compound, she then expertly lined her shot and let it rip. The well fired projectile flying over the head of Clint Barton as he rolled under it's path.

The arrowhead eventually found it's intended target. Center-mass of a charging male Velociraptor. The sharp, soaring dagger broke skin and tore muscle; yet it only served in further angering the beast!

"Oh, crap! I think you pissed it off Kate!" Shouted Clint. He ducked a wild tail swing and reenacted the same set of movements his protege had earlier utilized. Pull. Aim. Fire. However, Clint went with the bigger shot. Three well placed arrows soon became embedded in the raptor. From the animals gut, groin, and throat. However, The great lizard still continued to fight on.

No Caption Provided

"Seriously?!" Exclaimed both archers in union.

No Caption Provided

Half a block away a young Predator watches stealthily. He for the last three days, has found himself trapped under an impenetrable dome. One, that has essentially placed the young hunter in paradise! Perhaps not to this specific species: but to the Yautja; combat was God.

Because to them there was only one truth. That only the strong were fit to survive. The two humans were certainly formidable. If they managed to slay the beast, only then could he deem them worthy prey for his hunt.

"Scanners detect living organism. Initialize protocol and directive.....

scanning.............

directive found.......

destroy all life!"

The young Predator turned to the sound of the robotic drawl; and found himself all but five steps away from some form of red-eyed kill-bot. The hunter then quickly unsheathed his wrist mounted blades, blitzed forward and swung, slashing the Terminator across the chest. Right to left and then in reverse. Sparks flew as steel met steel. The young Predators lust for combat controlling his every act. Without warning, the Terminator shoots it's open palm upward; casually stopping the Predators arm in mid-swing. The hunter caught by surprise with the speed possessed by the machine.

No Caption Provided

"Unacceptable. Resistance is futile. You cannot stop Judgment Day." With that, the Terminator crushed the young aliens right hand.

The bones being turned to splinters was a sick sound. Throwing his head back, the Yautja's roar filled the night. Sending chills down the spine of lesser beings.

With new found adrenaline, the Predator grabbed the Terminator by it's metallic neck, and tossed it into a nearby alley. The T-800 slammed into a dumpster so hard that it partiality caved it in.

Taking advantage the Predator decides to fight the way that he was trained.

The right way.

The young Predator hit the Terminator soon after with a direct shot from his plasma caster. The destructive power of an explosion came next.

Then almost immediately after, the Terminator simply pulled itself to it"s feet. "Resistance is futile."

On another side of town.....

No Caption Provided

"Weeee! It's like Christmas!" Sang Beetle gleefully. Ever since the dome went up, things have been awesome. Weird, but awesome. No capes! Sure, they're probably out there, but so far the six have only had to deal with regular cops.

They didn't even know if they were even in New York City anymore. Things are different. The streets, the stores, the cop cars. Seriously what the hell is Detroit P.D. doing in the big apple? Didn't really matter. Whatever happened and wherever the hell they were, it would soon belong to the Sinister Six.

"Yeah. Feels good to win sometimes right?" Asked Speed Demon. Keeping his speeds at a manageable pace. Almost as a reply Demon was tagged by the prongs of a long distance taser. Jolts of concentrated electricity bringing the speedster to his knees.

Then before the rest of the group can effectively respond, a high tech patrol car, also sporting the Detroit tag; swerved out in front of them. It's door's opening like the wings of a prehistoric bird.

"I've done this a thousand times. I know your type. Sociopaths with a flair for the theatrical. I'm going to make this very short. Easy or hard. There is no in-between.."

No Caption Provided

"......Dead or alive you're coming with me."

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cbishop

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#2  Edited By cbishop

@guardiandevil83: Way fun! :D

You seem to have captured the feel of the current Hawkeye series pretty well- nice job on that. Overall, this could use a good edit, but I got the sense that maybe you did this quickly, not worrying about the technical stuff? Either way, it could use an edit now. There was a repetitive line in there somewhere, but the thing that glared at me most was "Suddenly without warning." "Withour warning" would suffice, as it would have to happen suddenly for there to be no warning. <shrugs> But meh, cool story! :D

Now write more of it. ;)

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Guardiandevil83

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@cbishop: Hey man thanks for the view. I've tweaked the narrative a bit so hopefully the changes makes it a more enjoyable read. There wasn't supposed to be an actual story, but I am hopelessly addicted to prose.

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cbishop

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@guardiandevil83: You can't really write a scene (even a fight scene) without having a story of some kind. :)

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Guardiandevil83

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#6  Edited By Guardiandevil83
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batkevin74

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@guardiandevil83: Let's have a look...

"Clint! watch your a$$!" Kate Bishop shouted at her mentor. She reached for an arrow as she did so. Capital for Watch, ass is fine but a$$ also works. Personally it could all be one sentence, the full stop kinda slows the fast pace you're trying to set

The arrowhead eventually found it's intended target. Center-mass of a charging male Velociraptor. The sharp, soaring dagger broke skin and tore muscle; yet it only served in further angering the beast! Again with the seemingly extra full stops. It's not wrong but it's very stop start in my opinion. Also small v for velociraptor unless it's the start of a sentence. Now is it an arrow or a dagger she fired? Because I get what you mean but you could find a better word in a thesaurus for than dagger to describe a shaft or arrow or bolt or piercing stick

Three well placed arrows soon became embedded in the raptor. From the animals gut, groin, and throat. More stop starting, this imo one sentence edited like this (or similar, I ain't an expert) Three well placed arrows embedded in the raptor; throat, gut and groin. Also since it's a sexless lizard, an arrow to the groin doesn't hurt as much :)

"Seriously?!" Exclaimed both archers in union. Beautiful! Very Hawkeye's :)

Half a block away a young Predator watches stealthily. He for the last three days, has found himself trapped under an impenetrable dome. One, that has essentially placed the young hunter in paradise! Perhaps not to this specific species: but to the Yautja; combat was God. Again stop-start and since I don't know much about Predators I don't really get the yautja...so not your fault at all just letting you know

Resistance is futile. Isn't that the Borg? :)

With new found adrenaline, the Predator grabbed the Terminator by it's metallic neck, and tossed it into a nearby alley. The T-800 slammed into a dumpster so hard that it partiality caved it in. Okay what? Last sentence the Terminator is squeezing, breaking the Predator's hand and now he's throwing it away. I wanna see the Predator break the hold, blood and skin coming off in the Terminator's metal grip and then it get's knocked away. This is just me but I don't believe this part of the fight as written.

"I've done this a thousand times. I know your type. Sociopaths with a flair for the theatrical. I'm going to make this very short. Easy or hard. There is no in-between.." Is that from the new movie? Coz it sounds like Midnighter.

Bit of polish and this is an excellent smackdown across multi-genres. let's see some more please

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#8  Edited By ImpurestCheese

@guardiandevil83: Sorry about the lateness of the hour of contact. Firstly the concept is sound, and I'm interest to see more. I think @batkevin74 covered almost everything that needed to be said. In addition having avian anatomy, the dromeosaur wouldn't have external genitalia no matter what gender he/she was, so an arrow to the cloachel area wouldn't do anymore damage then any other body shot