The PokeMafia: Beginnings(4)

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The_Legendary_SuperSaiyan_Hulk

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(Names for reference: Raichu(leader)= Ikazuchi. Pikachu=Mizune. Minun(Beniiro's brother)=Aoi. Plusle(Aoi's sister)=Beniiro, Pichu(Ikazuchi's son)= Enrai)
(Names for reference: Raichu(leader)= Ikazuchi. Pikachu=Mizune. Minun(Beniiro's brother)=Aoi. Plusle(Aoi's sister)=Beniiro, Pichu(Ikazuchi's son)= Enrai)

After the galvantulas had receeded back into their system, Mizune went over to check on Aoi. Enrai had finished applying the medicine and had wrapped the bound with some cloth.

"How is 'e?" Mizune asked, hearing the low breathing coming from the minun.

"He was poisoned, though the medicine should take care of it."Enrai responded, pointing to faint purple tint around the cloth.

"Eh? Poisoned?" Mizune thought aloud. "That can't be right, standards don't use poison." A few raindrops hit the ground beside him, gradually the rain became heavier as storm clouds appeared to come into existence. "The hell? Wasn't even a cloud in sight." A sudden realization dawned upon him, remembering the various conditions he was told about when he first joined.

Ikazuchi's words rang in his head, "If ever it rains while you're in this forest, come to me. I don't care what you're doing when it does, just do it."

Quickly Mizune turned and grabbed Aoi. Dumping him into Enrai's arms, he pointed to the higher branches of a nearby tree. "Stay in there an' don't leave fo' nothin'." Normally, Mizune would have taken Enrai with him, but Aoi was injured and taking care of them both would only slow him down.

Once Enrai had made his way up into the canopy, Mizune was off. Going at full-speed he traversed the distance in seconds. Truthfully, Mizune would have been capable of completing the original job himself, and would have reached their destination a lot faster if he had. Ikazuchi however wanted them to have an escort in case anything had happened.

The scene that had unfolded before him was a battlefield. All around, dark and ghost pokemon were frenziedly moving to and fro around a large, circular space. Zoroarks, weaviles, gengars, and banettes, each one launching various attacks into the middle of the imaginary boundary that they had formed.

Ikazuchi stood in the center, electricity running off of his body to meet the lightning that came from the sky in droves. The wet landscape around him shimmering yellow as his electricity traveled through the puddles. On the ground lay the electrocuted bodies of those who came too close passed their boundary. Easily, he danced around the copious amount of attacks that came in his direction.

"Come on, all of you at once," he roared, "It'll be the only way the lot of you are going to win." As he finished the sentence, lightning from the sky redirected off of his body and shot into the crowd. In a flash, Ikazuchi disappeared into their ranks, silencing anything unlucky enough to meet his touch.

"Oh my," A voice came from above. "You go too easy on them Ikazuchi~" the voice continued in a sing-song tone. Looking above, he saw a sableye clad in a black suit and top hat. Rubies and sapphires embroided his clothing. In his right hand was a bejeweled cane topped with a small skull.

"Nikoyaka Ippin." Ikazuchi said disdainfully.

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SuperDrummer

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@the_legendary_supersaiyan_hulk

Hey!

So you asked for feedback right? I'm happy to oblige :)

I'll give a negative for each positive and vice versa, don't take anything personal, just trying to help, and these are just my personal opinions!

Good: Your characters are pretty developed, it's obvious there was more than a little thought put into them.

Bad: Its almost like you know your characters so well that its hard to imagine others don't. Obviously it isn't the best time at this second, but you should take some time to thoroughly introduce the characters.

Good: The information network was awesome... seriously, thats REALLY cool

Bad: At times, it can be kind of choppy in the flow, like you have all kinds of awesome ideas and your trying to get them all down at once. The transitions between the ideas are important as well.

Good: The battle was pretty cool, and the paralysis sword was epic

Bad: Umm... I can't think of anything else that stands out... I only know the 1st-4th gen pokes? :P

Overall, this is a good start, and you're already improving as you write. Keep at it man, can't wait to read more!

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The_Legendary_SuperSaiyan_Hulk

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