Hi everyone, I recently created a new superhero and was wondering if I could get some feed back. Also the origin story below involves another superhero I created called Paragon so here's a quick summary of him:
On an alien world called Palla a scientist called Silum invents a suit that makes the wearer invulnerable, protects them from disease, change its appearance to what the wearer wants and allows them to fly, he wanted to give every member of his race a suit but when his world's government heard this proposal they decided to weaponise the suit and give a suit to each soldier in their army, they brought on Silum to help, he only agreed so he'd have the chance to stop them along the way. On the day the new suit was finished, when all his attempts to stop the suit's construction failed he simply deleted all the information and data on the suit and stole the only one made, the security system alerted the government they sent agents after him. Silum steals a military space ship and escapes into space. He wants to get rid of the suit but even deactivated it was nearly invulnerable and Silum didn't have the time or equipment needed to destroy it so he decided to escape to a planet where the inhabitants had sufficient technology to destroy the suit and had an atmosphere he could survive in so when he went into space using his ship's wormhole projector (something common to all Pallan space ships) he escaped to Earth, however when he was going through the wormhole the government agents chasing him(who were in a space ship) fired their laser guns at his ship, damaging it so that when he reach the other side of the wormhole he crashed on Earth. He died in the crash and the ship's defenses stopped working so when a passer by (Daniel "Dan" Smith) found the ship and went inside he found the suit and puts the suit on, becoming a superhero. Later alien government agents track the suit to Earth and finds Dan and try to get the suit from him, they end up fighting, though Dan beats them the aliens try one last major attack which bounces of Dan and kills them, Dan then uses his suit's technology manipulation abilities and the alien agents' ship to send a message to their people that the suit was destroyed and that they were injured in their ship crashing and will be dead by the time this transmission reaches them, he then continues on with his superhero career.
For a more detailed version of this story check: http://www.comicvine.com/forums/fan-fic/8/the-origin-story-of-the-superhero-paragon/646670/
Champion
Real name: Adhari (her race rarely has second names)
Human Alias: Olivia Brown
Gender: female
Height: 6’0 ft
Weight: 120 lbs
Eyes: leaf green
Hair: (originally) brown, (later) blonde
Powers:
· Superhuman strength (can lift/press 80 tons)
· Resistance to injury (can take gun fire without real damage but still causes pain)
· Phasing (even when phasing she is vulnerable to extreme temperatures and electricity)
· Shape shifting (can change herself into any humanoid form)
· Teleportation (works by creating portals)
· Superhuman healing (is immune to most diseases and can heal whole limbs)
· Ability to heal others (only to a limited degree, can heal various physical injuries but can’t regenerate a whole limb, also can heal minor illnesses like colds but not much else)
· Superhuman hearing (so acute it is almost impossible to sneak up on them)
Origin: thousands of years ago Albizes were able to travel to Earth’s dimension from theirs due to natural tears in the universe which allowed them to teleport to Earth’s dimension but over time these tears closed, stopping Albizes going to Earth, though some chose to stay on Earth. Early myths of elves, fairies, brownies etc. originate from human contact with Albizes.
In modern day a group of government funded scientists were studying the possibility of other dimensions and had created a machine that would create a tear in reality which could be used to travel between dimensions, normally this isn’t possible but these scientists had discovered a weak point in the fabric of reality (once a tear used by Albizes to reach Earth) in the middle of the city Bretsham (working title).
When the tear was created it led to Albiza, in Albiza an ALbiz called Adhari along with other Abiz discovered the tear. Adhari, curious about where the tear lead to, decided to teleport through despite opposition from the others. When she went through she found herself in the scientist’s lab.
When she looked around she referred to the humans as Larems (derived from latin word for hardship, not in story), she attempted to return home but the tear was only temporary so it had already closed. Adhari panicked, the scientists tried calming her but she spoke a different language and mistook their actions as an attack so she lashed out, escaping the lab. She ran into the road where a car drove through her, thanks to her natural phasing power, this surprising occurrence caused the driver to crash.
People in the area started running away in panic, police came and fired guns at her, though they caused pain they didn’t penetrate her skin, in fear she ripped a lamp post out of the ground and threw it at them. At this moment Paragon came, he fought Adhari until he realised she was scared, not malevolent so he subdued her and tried scanning her brain, she fealt this and paniced but he calmed her and communicated as best he could that he didn’t want to hurt her, she allowed him to scan her but due to her agitation he could only get a limited amount of knowledge, his suit downloaded her language and some information about where she is from. He then talked to her, he explained to her that he won’t hurt her, she points out slightly sarcastically that it is a bit late for that. When talking Paragon finds out that Albizes have myths about humans, in these myths humans are called Larems, beings who lived short lives, were weak but had very strong will, were clever and there was lots of them. They lived in another realm called Eriba, a place of hardship with little food and cold weather, Paragon decides that Adhari’s people must have met humans in the past, meaning Albizes probably appear in ancient myth. The Paragon went to the scientists to ask about opening the tear only to discover the scientist wouldn’t be able to because Adhari coming through had disrupted the tear making it impossible for the scientists to reopen, that means until the scientists discover another weak point in the fabric of reality Adhari wouldn’t be able to go home so Paragon decided to help her create a human identity using his technology controlling power for her to use until she finds a way home. Before he creates her new identity they had to find a way to disguise her appearance, when she was trying on human clothes she reveals her shape shifting ability, so she changed her appearance slightly, changing her nose, narrows her face and changes her hair from brown to blonde, when Paragon sees her in her new form, in Earth clothes, all happy and care free, he becomes attracted to her, he then decided to try teaching her English.
Until she could get a job he allowed her to stay with him until she could get a job, though she didn’t get a until she learned some basic English which she did after a while (not a lot just enough to get her through the day). Due to her beauty, height and natural Albizian grace she became a model (according to the identity Paragon created she had model training).
While auditioning for her first modelling job her super hearing alerted her to sounds of distress, not being able to ignore them she left the audition to see what the problem was, only to discover a shop was being robbed, with the people in the shop at the time taken hostage. She decided to help but she couldn’t use her current appearance because people would find out who she was and she would have to get another identity which would complicate things so she used her original form.
She took of her jacket and phased through the back wall and sneaked up behind the robber and disarmed him. The people in the shop applauded her but while she was distracted the robber got to his gun and fired at Adhari, she phased through the bullet which caused one of the hostages to get shot instead. In anger Adhari grabs the gun, crumpling it up in her hand; she then back slaps the robber into the wall. She goes to the person who was shot, other people were saying to take the woman to the hospital but instead Adhari revealed another of her powers which was the ability to heal others, so she took the bullet out of the person and healed them, this amazed the people around her.
Later she met with Paragon and excitedly told him what happened. He proposed that she become a superhero like him so she can help people, he also proposed she wear a superhero costume to identify her as a superhero thus making it easier for people to identify her as the good guy and make her look less threatening, something she needs after her first time on Earth. She agrees and together the two make her a costume.
Mean while in Albiza the Albizes are worried about Adhari and attempt to reopen the tear in the fabric of the universe to save her. They discover that with their technology they can reopen the tear within a short time frame after it was open. News of the tear a spread throughout the local area including to a criminal on the run called Darzak, he realised he could escape prosecution simply by escaping through the tear. He succeeds in getting through (at the same time destroying the equipment the other Albizes were using thus making them lose the chance to open the tear again) and discovers where he is, Earth (or Eriba as he calls it). When he came through one of the scientists picked up a chair to defend him self with while another scientist called the police (they were afraid they’d be attacked like the last time). Deciding to test his enemy’s strength he attacked the scientists, easily killing them.
When the police came, (this time with reinforcements) they attack Darzak who with an evil smile quickly dispatches the police; he then says in his native language “I think I’m going to like it here.” Paragon quickly comes and starts fighting him. Realising Paragon’s greater power Darzak grabbed a bystander and threatened to kill him if Paragon didn’t surrender, so he did. Using this opportunity he threw the bystander at Paragon, jumped towards him and phased his fist threw his chest; messing with his internal organs. This momentarily disables him, giving Darzak the chance to try and kill Paragon, though not before Adhari (in her knew costume) came and stopped him. The two fight each other to a standstill. At this point Paragon woke up and was able to fire an energy blast which hurt Darzak and gave Adhari the chance to beat him, after Darzak escaped to lick his wounds. Afterwards the press dubbed Adhari “Champion”.
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