#1 Edited by power surge (1242 posts) - - Show Bio

As I dodged Draconis' fist by mere millimeters, I managed to land a solid blow to the side of his face.The thoughts of my home planet, Phamtreon, as it exploded, came flooding back into my mind. the resulting explosion of our combined power sent me flying into a backwater planet called earth. As I came to, I realized that a young girl was looking down at me. Without thinking I knocked the young woman out cold in surprise. As I busted through the doors of what I thought was a hospital I stopped. "What will happen to her?" I said to myself as I turned and looked at her laying on the ground. I decided the best thing to do was to take her with me until she came to. Two days later the young woman woke up.

"You're awake, I knocked you out, sorry, please have something to eat" I said to her as I held out a bowl of hot ramen for her to take. As she reached out to take it from me I realized she was trembling with fear.

"Don't worry I won't hurt you" I said to her with a smile trying to show her I was friendly.

"Whats your name?" I asked.

"My name is Jen Cyrus known in some circles as Cyclone!" she exclaimed proudly.

"I'm called Surge, by the way why are you called cyclone anyway?" I replied back.

"Because I have the ability to create strong gusts of wind" Jen explained.

As Jen and I stood up to get ready to leave Jen noticed the spikes coming out of my spine.

"Surge there are parts of your spine coming out of your back!" Jen screamed in terror.

I reached up and felt one of the spikes.

"You weren't supposed to know this , but I'm an alien from the planet Phametreon Known as a Dracokin" I explained to her.

"Yeah and I'm supposed to believe that!" she snarled back at me.

"Ok fine,I'll just have to show you. Watch this," I said as I began to transform.

My pupils changed into cat eyes and the color went from blue to gold.

I saw my hands grow claws and my legs become as a dragons. I felt my bones reconfigure as I grew a tail,wings,and horns. My hair went from being curly blonde to being black and mangy. My skin changed from a pale color and smooth to a gold color and having a leathery texture. I could hear hear my the spikes on my back crack as they grew to their full length.

"I'm the same person!" I bellowed at cyclone who is freaking out.

Later,after Cyclone calmed down, she said, "I know a place where you'll be safe."

"will I be welcomed there?" I asked as I reverted back to my human form.

" Yes Surge, you will be very welcome here," a voice, echoed in my head.

" I must be hearing things!" I yelled.

"why do you say that?" cyclone asked.

"Cause I heard a voice in my head saying I was welcome some where!" I roared

"That must be Paul. He can read your mind and talk to you via telepathy" Cyclone said.

All at once, a jet suddenly appeared overhead. That's how I joined a group of people who like me for who I really am.

#2 Posted by John Valentine (16310 posts) - - Show Bio

Below average.

#3 Posted by power surge (1242 posts) - - Show Bio

this is just the beginning. I know it's not all that but it's better than nothing

#4 Posted by TheDrifter (26555 posts) - - Show Bio

.................................

#5 Posted by John Valentine (16310 posts) - - Show Bio
power surge said:
"this is just the beginning. I know it's not all that but it's better than nothing"

I'm not going to lie to you........
#6 Posted by power surge (1242 posts) - - Show Bio

hey, just speak your mind I'll take whatever you guy don't like about it and try to make it better and leave what you guys think is good

#7 Posted by _Sojourn_ (19257 posts) - - Show Bio

hey yeah I only read the first paragraph, but you kind of loose interest in the writing. And it is inconsistant. But you do have a good backdrop story. Maybe elaborate on that then get to the backwater planet part.

#8 Posted by power surge (1242 posts) - - Show Bio

yeah, I'm writing How it Began: the Childhood of Power Surge

#9 Posted by Mer-Man (3360 posts) - - Show Bio

Try to add some detail and it will get better

#10 Posted by John Valentine (16310 posts) - - Show Bio
power surge said:
"yeah, I'm writing How it Began: the Childhood of Power Surge"

That'd be great if people cared.
#11 Posted by Herculess (5 posts) - - Show Bio
John Valentine said:
"power surge said:
"yeah, I'm writing How it Began: the Childhood of Power Surge"

That'd be great if people cared."
Anger...

Power I can tell that if you elaborate more, be more in depth, put more emphasis on the story of your character, rather than showing your charachter off. You could be really good. The potential is there.
#12 Posted by power surge (1242 posts) - - Show Bio

thanks herculess how should I  make it more in depth?

#13 Posted by Herculess (5 posts) - - Show Bio

To start give some info about your past, your envirornment, your life before the battle, and then when you get to the part about Cyclone give some info about her.

#14 Posted by Eddie Brock/Venom (353 posts) - - Show Bio

just a tiny bit of constructive critiscism no one says aka outloud they usually say otherwise known as... or you can call me.... or even I am also known by the name....

#15 Posted by power surge (1242 posts) - - Show Bio

alright I'll try those ideas out