Posted by UnderDogs_OverBoard (1137 posts) - - Show Bio

This is my first fan fiction ahahaha its all crap probably but please read...

A geek named Neil was walking down the streets of NYC baby when he saw a Lamp, Being retarded and all he tried to scratch the lamp hoping some genie would pop outta it and grant him wishes. The Genie ( also named Genie ) was out there laughing and singing in happiness that he forgot his master who let him out that lamp, Genie flew away happily. "bastard" Neil said as he thought "I hate this goddamned life, I wish all of my heroes were with me. Then Ill have the adventure of my life!" Right then at that very moment a man in white, wearing a fedora and having fake eyelashes was singing a Gene Kelly Classic in the corner. then the man saw a spunky teen-aged mall rat wearing a yellow coat and in a blink of an eye they were bangin' in the middle of the streets of New York! Neil has the weirdest Boner right now as he saw Alex DeLarge and Jubilation Lee Gettin' Jiggy with It in public. People are still doing their thing seemingly ignoring the fact that two famous people for their own. Neil was stunned for a minute, probably an hour, he was just there standing. Then a man in white wig snapped Neil the heck out of it. " Hi name is sir Isaac Newton and I'd like to explain the cosmic anomalie that happened. Your Genie probably forgot that you still had two wishes as he happily strut away but also happened to hear your wish to have every single person in reality or fiction, dead or alive, to be around your environment. Neil saw Jubilee running away from Alex screaming in terror.Just then Neil goes black-out.

The afternoon of the same day he woke up having Isaac all at his face. "wha-- You're real?" Neil exclaimed in shock." Of course I am little kid. Of course I am " Isaac Newton said."I have to go to investigate this, Time-streams worlds and realities might end because of what you've done." "Awww man don't worry bout that..." an anthropomorphic turtle spoke and Neil realized this and screamed "Mikee!"

What will happen to our hero? Will Newton Find out a way to save multiple realites? Will they find the genie? What the F@cK did Alex do to Jubilee? Find out in the next chapter of... The Epic Wish of a Geek Named NeiL!!!

ahahahahhaha my first try at creating a fan fic... Try reading this and post your comments appreciation will be appreciated

#1 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

okay, I'm going to be brutally honest.

I find this strange. "Being retarded and all" "had the weirdest boner"? It's all a bit odd and what I listed is some of the unesessary and partially offensive parts I'd reccomend you take out.

Though I did promise to help edit fan fics so if you want to then shoot me a PM and please specify what you need help with.

#2 Posted by TheAnnihilator (1056 posts) - - Show Bio

@primepower53 said:

okay, I'm going to be brutally honest.

I find this strange. "Being retarded and all" "had the weirdest boner"? It's all a bit odd and what I listed is some of the unesessary and partially offensive parts I'd reccomend you take out.

Though I did promise to help edit fan fics so if you want to then shoot me a PM and please specify what you need help with.

Yeah, I don't see any reason for it in the story.

#3 Posted by YourNeighborhoodComicGeek (20310 posts) - - Show Bio

That was..... interesting....

#4 Posted by UnderDogs_OverBoard (1137 posts) - - Show Bio

ahahahaha Dont take me seriously im just a kid though...

and mr please help me with the development of the story thanks

#5 Posted by UnderDogs_OverBoard (1137 posts) - - Show Bio

Oh stop it you.. ^_^

#6 Edited by xxYoungFatexx (99 posts) - - Show Bio

You have good sentences that need to be combined or simplified. Some grammar, punctuation, and other errors were noticeable, but I think when those are taken out, you will have a good story. Be careful, though, topics like this are very controversial, depending on the person. I edited the whole thing and added some more details.

Walking down the street, a retarded geek named Neil, carved his way through NYC. When he saw a lamp on the ground, he tried to scratch it, hoping some genie would pop out, and grant him wishes. The Genie, otherwise known as Genie, laughed and sang in happiness; free at last. For years, the Genie thought his master forgot him, and now he finally could fly away on the wings of freedom.

“Bastard,” Neil said, “I hate this goddamned life, I wish all of my heroes were here with me. Then I’ll have the adventure of my life!”

Right then, at that very moment, a man in white, wearing a fedora was singing a Gene Kelly classic. By the corner, his fake eyelashes were visible. Then, the man saw a spunky teen-aged mall rat, wearing a yellow coat and in a blink of an eye, they were banging in the middle of the streets of New York! Having the weirdest boner, he saw Alex DeLarge and Jubilation Lee, Gettin’ Jiggy with it in public. People, still seemingly ignoring the fact that two famous people were dancing, walked on. On the other hand, Neil was stunned for a minute, probably an hour, just standing there. Then, a man in a white wig snapped him the heck out of his trance.

“Hi, the name is Sir Isaac Newton, and I’d like to explain the cosmic anomaly that happened.” He, the now known Mr. Newton, paused. “Your Genie probably forgot that you still had two wishes. As he happily strutted away, he also happened to hear your wish: to have every single person in reality or fiction, dead or alive, to be around your environment.”

Neil saw Jubilee, who was running away in terror, screaming and then, Neil blacked out.

The afternoon of the same day, he woke up having Isaac all in his face.

“What- You’re real?” Neil exclaimed, shocked.

“Of course, kid. Of course I am real.” Isaac said. “Now, I have to investigate this, Time-streams, worlds, and alternate realities might end because of what you have done.”

“Aw, man. Don’t worry ‘bout that…” An anthropomorphic turtle said, and Neil realized this.

“Mikee!” The retarded geek screamed.

____________________________________________________________________

What will happen to our hero? Will Newton find a way out to save multiple realities? Will they find the genie? What the F@ck did Alex do to Jubilee? Find out in the next chapter of… the Epic Wish of a Geek Named Neil!

One thing, I think you need to add more details. For example, when you mentioned the lamp earlier, it is wise to say Neil picked it up, instead of implying it. Remember, show and don't tell it. Good luck with future stories. Just keep writing and your grammar, etc. will improve.