#1 Edited by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

Jack Monroe had been on the force for years. He had the look of a weary man who had recently put on weight. Despite this he was strong as ever and had an temper to match. He ran his fingers through his sandy brown hair as he looked down to inspect the dead body. Jack had seen his fair share of death. Quite frankly, this one topped them all.

“Black man murdered in his own home.” Jack muttered to himself while he bent down to inspect the body. He pulled his pipe from his mouth and let out a puff of smoke. Jack’s rough hands glided over the man’s skin. Meticulously, Jack inspected each bump and bruise along the corpse.

As he inspected the body, several other police men did their best to keep the media outlets at bay. Cameras flashed rapidly and reporters crowded to ask questions as an oncoming onslaught.

Jack had learned to tune out the buzzing of the media. He had worked on the force as a P.I for well over a decade. The body that lay before him outdid anything he had seen.

The face was badly bruised, both eyes swollen shut. His face was bloated and completely unrecognizable. Not even his own Mother would recognize the poor soul. Blood sat on his face mockingly. A tattoo adorned his ribcage. That of a beautiful spider’s web. Jack noted it as familiar. A swastika had been carved onto the man’s forehead; yet the amount of blood gushing from the wound proved that it was done post mortem.

Jack immediately ruled out a white supremacy movement. No leads pointed down that road. The initial wound was a pocket knife through the man’s back. He had lost consciousness almost immediately. Searches for DNA under his fingernails came up dry, hammering home the point that the man did not struggle. His death was a quick cut and run. Cuts were askew across his chest in an almost mocking manner. Again he repeated to himself that it couldn’t be a white supremacy movement. Those killers wanted their victims to suffer. Whomever killed this man wanted to kill him and be done with it.

“Had to be to throw us off.” He muttered under his breath.

Jack took another puff of smoke from his pipe and let out a long sigh. Within a few extra minutes the rough autopsy was over and he made his exit.

Upon his way out an officer grabbed his arm and pulled him close. “What did you find?” he whispered into Jack’s ear.

“Nothing.” Jack stated simply, “Nothing at all.”

The officer fumbled for words, and all out once he let out “What do you mean?”

Jack shot the man an annoyed look and raised one eyebrow. “Did I stutter?” With that, Jack took his leave, pushing past the rabid reporters angrily. One cameraman began to move towards him. Jack grabbed the camera and shoved it back.

“No comment.” He gritted through his teeth.

Days dragged into weeks, which dragged into months. Bodies popped up day by day; all of them killed by the same method. The months dragged into years and still the bodies appeared. Supremacy was ruled out after a few months when non-minorities began to pop up with the same killing method.

With any other detective the case would have ran cold. Not Jack. Jack knew the loss of their families and identified with them. After all, he had lost family as well. His wife and beautiful baby daughter…both killed in a petty attempt at revenge scheme. Jack had fought the killer with every ounce in him, yet in the end he managed to get away. Jack had been bitter ever since. Jack knew loss like no other on the force.

The pitter patter of rain gently drummed against his umbrella as he paced through the slums of the city. He was close the cracking the case. He could feel it. He just needed to be in the right place at the right time. His thoughts drifted off from the killing to his family, to the happy times he had spent with them. He fought back the memories. Memories were a poison to him. Memories made him freeze up and second guess himself.

A loud bang pierced the silence of the night; a sound which was soon followed by a cry for help. Jack’s pace quickened into a sprint. He grew closer and the cries grew ever louder until within minutes he saw the man and the assailant. The assailant had soft green eyes and a skinny frame, about one hundred thirty pounds, red hair. He was lean yet wiry and his eyes lit up with delight from the cries of help from the victim.

Jack arrived just as another loud bang was heard and the victim slumped to the ground. Blood filled a puddle of murky water.

“HEY! YOU!” Jack cried. It was then he went to reach for his gun only to find that he had forgotten to bring it with him. He cursed under his breath at his own stupidity. Upon instinct, Jack dove to the ground a split second before a shot rang out. He knew he only had one chance to disarm the assailant. He had to make it count.

In one fluid motion he threw himself from behind a brick wall and launched his pipe at the murderer. Burning ashes scattered onto the killer’s hand, causing him to drop his weapon. “Ah!” the murderer cried, “Stings like a bitch!” he winced.

Jack gave him no time to recover. He clutched his umbrella and threw it towards the killer with a heavy lunge.

The man’s head snapped back into a brick wall and he let out a cry of pain.

Jack knew better than to let up. He had to put this prick behind bars by any means necessary. Jack’s hand balled up into a fist and brought it to his stomach. A year’s worth of rage flew through his fists. “NOT SO TOUGH WITHOUT YOUR GUN ARE YOU?” He shouted into the night.

The killer said nothing and simply took the beating.

Jack’s hands stained with blood and still he did not let up. Within a few more minutes he had his hands around the killer’s throat.

Jack let out a deep throaty growl. “Why?” he howled.

The murderer coughed up blood. “You-you didn’t do your homework did you?” he whimpered. The killer let out a long groan and a small cough then continued. “I’ve been killing them…for a reason…”

Jack’s grip tightened around the murderer’s throat. “Why?” he repeated.

“The first body you inspected….did you not remember him?”

Jack’s expression turned from anger to sorrow once he had realized his mistake. His grip loosened. “His face was unrecognizable…but his frame…”

“Don’t forget the tattoo.” the assailant mumbled. “It looked familiar didn’t it?” He looked up at Jack with acceptance. “I can see you remember…he killed your wife and kids, Jack.”

Jack broke down in tears. He slid down the side of the brick wall and he cupped his face in his hands. “What have I done?” Jack mumbled. “WHY DID YOU DO THIS?!” He cried out into the night. A thunderous clap from the rain answered him. He pointed the corpse on the ground. “And him?” Jack whimpered.

The man smiled “He was a mobster…untouchable.”

Jack looked up at the killer. “Is that what you do…?”

“Yes, Jack.” The assailant whispered. “I take the law into my own hands. All my victims are killers who have escaped the law or are untouchable….I serve justice where nobody else can.”

“Go.” Jack said between despaired tears. “Go now before I change my mind and lock you up.”

It was on that day, that Jack Monroe’s year long case….

….finally went cold.

#2 Posted by AweSam (7375 posts) - - Show Bio

@primepower53 said:

It was on that day, that Jack Monroe’s year long case….

….finally went cold.

#3 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

@AweSam said:

@primepower53 said:

It was on that day, that Jack Monroe’s year long case….

….finally went cold.

LOL thanks I guess....?

#4 Posted by AweSam (7375 posts) - - Show Bio

@primepower53 said:

@AweSam said:

@primepower53 said:

It was on that day, that Jack Monroe’s year long case….

….finally went cold.

LOL thanks I guess....?

CSI thing. Good story.

#5 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

please read this and let me know what you think

#6 Posted by CapFanboy (5136 posts) - - Show Bio

@primepower53: Let out a puff of smoke. I can't read the rest right now so I'll come back.

#7 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

@CapFanboy: Thanks for that.

I happily await your input.

#8 Posted by CapFanboy (5136 posts) - - Show Bio

@primepower53: I love the story but sometimes it feels like you write a sentence around a word rather than include a sentence in a word like

Cameras flashed rapidly and reporters crowded to ask questions as an oncoming onslaught.

Also, isn't he a P.I?

Jack knew loss like no other on the force.

If so, that makes no sense. I didn't know P.I's were on the force.

#9 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

@CapFanboy said:

@primepower53: I love the story but sometimes it feels like you write a sentence around a word rather than include a sentence in a word like

Cameras flashed rapidly and reporters crowded to ask questions as an oncoming onslaught.

Also, isn't he a P.I?

Jack knew loss like no other on the force.

If so, that makes no sense. I didn't know P.I's were on the force.

thanks for the tip.

I believe P.I's can be on the force (or paid by cops to do their work but I may be wrong.

#10 Posted by CapFanboy (5136 posts) - - Show Bio

@primepower53: No problem.

#11 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

@AweSam said:

@primepower53 said:

@AweSam said:

@primepower53 said:

It was on that day, that Jack Monroe’s year long case….

….finally went cold.

LOL thanks I guess....?

CSI thing. Good story.

thanks.

#12 Posted by 4donkeyjohnson (1673 posts) - - Show Bio

Slightly offended that I wasn't included in your 'call to read'....:( Not really, let's crack on shall we. Firstly (and my continuing complaint/whinge/gripe) is that it is super hero absent! Asides from that it's okay (even a nod to Nomad with his name). Now the critique: "He had the look of a weary man who had recently put on weight" that line seems out of place, nobody recently puts on weight. They realise that they have but nobody suddenly gains weight, and since I've only just met the character I can really only say he looks either fat, thin or average. Now American law enforcement is way different, can P.I's actually work FOR the police force? It seems almost like endorsed vigilantism! I'd be happier if he was just a cop. "Supremacy was ruled out after a few months when non-minorities began to pop up with the same killing method" another sentence that really doesn't make sense...I do feel that @CapFanboy is right, you tend have a tendency to build whole sentence structures around a single word, as if you're trying for a perfect sentence. And finally the end, well it was weak. I felt that after all the trouble Jack has been through, bringing a MURDERER to justice would be paramount than the trailing off. On the whole you write very well. MORE SUPER HEROICS :)

#13 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

@4donkeyjohnson said:

Slightly offended that I wasn't included in your 'call to read'....:( Not really, let's crack on shall we. Firstly (and my continuing complaint/whinge/gripe) is that it is super hero absent! Asides from that it's okay (even a nod to Nomad with his name). Now the critique: "He had the look of a weary man who had recently put on weight" that line seems out of place, nobody recently puts on weight. They realise that they have but nobody suddenly gains weight, and since I've only just met the character I can really only say he looks either fat, thin or average. Now American law enforcement is way different, can P.I's actually work FOR the police force? It seems almost like endorsed vigilantism! I'd be happier if he was just a cop. "Supremacy was ruled out after a few months when non-minorities began to pop up with the same killing method" another sentence that really doesn't make sense...I do feel that @CapFanboy is right, you tend have a tendency to build whole sentence structures around a single word, as if you're trying for a perfect sentence. And finally the end, well it was weak. I felt that after all the trouble Jack has been through, bringing a MURDERER to justice would be paramount than the trailing off. On the whole you write very well. MORE SUPER HEROICS :)

Thanks for critiquing.

A super hero ACTUAL COMIC is on the way.

I write these short stories mainly and I publish wherever I can. Once in a while a super hero story shows up. I'm doing a sort of Kingdom Come like story with an artist to help me. (Though I doubt ANYONE could match the magnitude of the greatness of Kingdom Come.)

#14 Posted by tomdickharry1984 (837 posts) - - Show Bio

Noice! But He shouldve of killed the dude at the end!

#15 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

@tomdickharry1984 said:

Noice! But He shouldve of killed the dude at the end!

lol thanks.

#16 Posted by feebadger (1445 posts) - - Show Bio

I like the story, but i agree with the previous comments that you should either make him a P.I or a cop, one or the other. The police do not hire P.I's to d otheir work. This would essentially be an admission that they do not know what they are doing themselves. They can take leads from P.I's if the P.I turns up something they haven't, but they would never hire one. Perhaps Jack could walk the old, worn road of being an ex-cop P.I? Sure, it's a plot device that's been used a lot, but that doesn't mean you can't do something interesting with the idea.

That's a minor quibble though. My two main problems are, firstly, the number of killings committed. Day by day over the course of a year? Kind of pulled me out of my willing suspension of disbelief there. I find it hard to believe, even in a fictional story that someone could murder daily, in a single city and not get caught, or at least, get close to being caught.

The other problem is the ending. It suddenly wraps up with Jack letting him go, after all that he went through. It just seemed kind of silly and made the whole story somewhat pointless in the sense of intent and outcome. Just because a murderer kills your families murderer he gets set free? Just because a murderer SAYS he only kills bad people, you let him go on the spot? He murdered 365 people!!! He's a MASS murderer! Jack Monroe should be taken down to Texas and deep fried in the electric chair for letting someone like that go.

Crime stories are hard to write, though you definitely seem to enjoy the style. I think the ending betrays Jacks' initial character arc and lets the story down. Perhaps a change? Perhaps I should keep my opinions to myself:P? NAH! Keep writing, sir!

#17 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

@feebadger said:

I like the story, but i agree with the previous comments that you should either make him a P.I or a cop, one or the other. The police do not hire P.I's to d otheir work. This would essentially be an admission that they do not know what they are doing themselves. They can take leads from P.I's if the P.I turns up something they haven't, but they would never hire one. Perhaps Jack could walk the old, worn road of being an ex-cop P.I? Sure, it's a plot device that's been used a lot, but that doesn't mean you can't do something interesting with the idea.

That's a minor quibble though. My two main problems are, firstly, the number of killings committed. Day by day over the course of a year? Kind of pulled me out of my willing suspension of disbelief there. I find it hard to believe, even in a fictional story that someone could murder daily, in a single city and not get caught, or at least, get close to being caught.

The other problem is the ending. It suddenly wraps up with Jack letting him go, after all that he went through. It just seemed kind of silly and made the whole story somewhat pointless in the sense of intent and outcome. Just because a murderer kills your families murderer he gets set free? Just because a murderer SAYS he only kills bad people, you let him go on the spot? He murdered 365 people!!! He's a MASS murderer! Jack Monroe should be taken down to Texas and deep fried in the electric chair for letting someone like that go.

Crime stories are hard to write, though you definitely seem to enjoy the style. I think the ending betrays Jacks' initial character arc and lets the story down. Perhaps a change? Perhaps I should keep my opinions to myself:P? NAH! Keep writing, sir!

1. That whole killing throughout the year wasn't meant to be taken literally. I was trying to show that he had evaded CAPTURE for a year while still managing to kill here and there.

2. I admit I struggled with the ending and I tried to wrap it up the best I could.

3. I plotted this for weeks and it certainly is hard :P I feel I should keep the ending the same at least until I can figure out a better way to end the story. (In case you haven't noticed I'm NEVER satisfied with a happy ending.)

Thank you!

#18 Posted by 4donkeyjohnson (1673 posts) - - Show Bio

Not a problem, not get cracking on that super hero story :)

#19 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

@4donkeyjohnson said:

Not a problem, not get cracking on that super hero story :)

Only thing left is the art, which a friend is providing. :)

I felt kind of restrained since it was supposed to be a huge story I had planned but I had to cut it down to ten pages, so to me it kind of feels like there's no way to get attached the the characters.

That's my only problem.