#1 Posted by batkevin74 (11004 posts) - - Show Bio

This came from Character Creation Contest #10 and I decided to expand the world. The first portion is my initial entry, after that the story continues...the spoiler block/drop-down box may or may not work like I want it too.

http://www.comicvine.com/forums/fan-fic-8/character-creation-contest-10-voting-page-1465327/#56

Thunder roared and lightning cracked as the rain pelted down on the man who stood in my courtyard. He was here to kill me, I knew that much. What I didn’t know was why?

I dressed into my armour, as it hummed with power. I checked the diagnostics, asides from myself having a slightly irregular heartbeat; everything was running efficiently and precisely.

Who wanted me dead? Better question, who didn’t want me dead? It would be a shorter list.

I looked at the weapons rack carefully. He had come to my door not like a thief in the night, so I should honour the tradition and ritual. I plucked my bisento off the rack and checked the weight and the sharpness; both perfect. Though I may die, I will not go quietly. Silently I sent prayers to the gods of old, more out of habit than belief as I marched to my door. As I got to the massive wrought iron door I stop, and slowly look around at the beautifully crafted stonework, realising this may be the last time I see my house. It could be my last everything.

“If today be the day, so be it”

I open the door. Dramatically and almost on cue, thunder cracks through the clouds as the hooded man in power armour stands before me, face shrouded in darkness. A swirl of birds races across the sky looking for shelter from the worsening storm.

“Greeting your highness” His voice is hollow, emotionless, robotic.

“State your name for my record!” I demand as I walk towards him, my footsteps clanking over the thunder.

“Vladimir al-Kitani” From beneath his darkened cowl, two electric blue eyes light up; a damn cyborg!

I chock my bisento into the ground between two cobblestones “Akihito Borgia of the house of Borgia, current Galactic Pope”

My armour feeds me his information, as his obviously does the same.

{Name: Vladimir al-Kitani also known as The Hood of Death.

Base build: enhanced human DNA, cybernetic parts (scanalysis unavailable/jammed)

Currently in the employ of: the house of Abstergo (unconfirmed)

Kill record: 219 confirmed, 12 unconfirmed.}

“Are you prepared for death?” he asked as two long razor sharp blades slid from his wrists and into his hands.

“Are you?”

His response was muffled by another thunderclap. I took up my bisento and spun it around my body in a display of skill. He followed suit with a sword kata of his own. We each nod in approval and acknowledgement before we slowly circled each other like vultures around a carcass.

“So why does Animus want me dead this time?”

“I do not know your highness” replied Vladimir “I merely took the contract”

“You are just a dog” I smile “A dumb dog”

Vladimir’s blade flicks out, the edge of the blade nicking my ear. The sting ripples through my head as the battle computer kicks in. I step forward and feign a strike as his head, quickly spinning the lower blade up towards his crotch. He parries but it opens him up as I whirl the blade and attempt to remove his head from his shoulders. Vladimir ducks easily but his defence opens him up further to my offence. I press my attack, using both ends of the bisento keeping him on the back foot.

{Poison detected: Ophiophagus hannah or King cobra. Counter measures engaged}

“You have poisoned me? ME?” I yell as I attempt once again to cut him in half.

“You are wanted dead,” replied Vladimir as he parried and then began his own assault, I barely managed to get my guard up “My client didn’t specify how”

“You came to my door, following the protocols of old, to attempt to poison me!” I shriek. I almost can’t believe how angry I am at him! Poisoning me, the Galactic Pope!

“Your highness, I do this as it is what I have been contracted to do!” replied Vladimir as his blade snuck under my arm and severed the wiring to my left arm “I take no pleasure in this”

I hurl my bisento at him, catching him completely off guard as I have disarmed myself and tackle him to the ground, smashing my power gauntlet into his chest as I try to crack him open like a crustacean. As my one armed blows dent his chest, he activates his surge field shocking us both with massive doses of electricity. I am flung away like an old toy. Slowly he stands and takes up my weapon. My armour sizzles and pops, the power fading.

“You have fought well your highness” he said. Slowly he raised my weapon high above his head “But not well enough”

KER-BLAM!

Vladimir looked down at the fist sized hole I had blown through his chest with my Kenway bore cannon that I had hidden in my leg compartment, a gift to me from the previous Pope.

“He who hesitates is dead, my son” I said as he fell backwards onto the cold stone floor. I crawl over to his body, rain sparking off the exposed circuitry from his fatal wound. I make the signs of the gods old so this one may know rest in the next life.

{Auxiliary power online. Recommencing: poison counter measures.

Vladimir al-Kitani: deceased.

Battle statistics for Pope Akihito Borgia updating…Kill record: 798 confirmed, 9 unconfirmed}

I get to my feet, return the cannon to its secret compartment and take up my bisento, wiping his hand prints from it. This will be the last time the house of Abstergo offends me, the office of the Galactic Pope or the gods of old. Too many times have they challenged. I have been far too lenient upon them, as has my house! Tonight I will bring war to them.

“In the names of the gods of old; I, Pope Akihito Borgia, of the house of Borgia, in this year of three thousand and sixty six, do swear to wipe the house of Abstergo from the face of the galaxy! Their lives, their names, their souls shall be stricken from all corners!”

The thunder roared in approval.

**

“Are you sure your highness?” asked Dreval bowing in Akihito’s prescience as he scurried beside the Galactic Pope. Akihito looked at his page with a questioning look as the skies rumbled with thunder and lightning.

“Do you doubt my word?”

“No, no, no your highness!” he grovelled “But to declare war upon the house of Abstergo…”

Akihito stopped cold “I do not mind being challenged for my title Dreval, I also do not mind if I am killed in combat by a worthy opponent. But to be poisoned like a common rat whilst using the guise of the old ways; NO!”

“They are powerful yo…”

“AND I AM THE GALACTIC POPE!” roared Akihito, his voice rumbling through the stone corridors with deafening reverb “I HAVE MADE VOWS!”

“Yes, yes your highness” Dreval trembled, gaze firmly looking at his feet.

The Galactic Pope looked upon his page “History will judge me, so will the gods, on whether I have made the right choice.” He gently lifted Dreval’s chin so their eyes met “That is all one can do”

“Yes your highness”

Akihito Borgia patted his servant on the shoulder before waving him away, leaving him to his thoughts and the constant pitter-patter of rain upon the roof of his castle.

**

The shuttle Benedict XVI touched down on Nova Roma, the dwarf planet where the Conclave of Cyber-Cardinals met on matters of importance. Though he was the head of the church, Akihito Borgia did need a majority to raise the Papal Fleet against the house of Abstergo; and they had a dozen or so of the Conclave in their pocket.

“Your holiness”

Akihito nodded at the slender man who greeted him, Cardinal Augustine of the house Sforza. He disliked the man, mainly due to his strict adherence to bathing only twice a year. It had been many months since Augustine’s last scrub. “Cardinal Augustine”

“I trust you are well, your holiness”

Akihito gritted his teeth as the odour wafted into his nose “I am. Walk with me” Augustine nodded and stepped in beside the Galactic Pope, Akihito breathing slightly easier as motion dissipated the stench. “Do you know why you have been summoned?”

“Yes your holiness. The Papal Fleet”

“You seem hesitant, Cardinal”

“If I may speak freely your holiness?”

“You may”

“You have more pressing concerns” Augustine licked his thin grey lips “With the Amalrician rebels on the planet Bena; or the pirates in the Patarini sector, your holiness”

Akihito stroked his chin and smiled through gritted teeth “The planet Bena is owned by whom Cardinal Augustine? And which sector borders the Patarini sector, and has a blind eye policy towards their actions hmmm?”

“These are…” Augustine stopped as he realised there would be no way justifying it to the Galactic Pope “Yes your holiness”

“I trust I have you vote Augustine” said Akihito with tone as they headed to the Conclave building.

**

Akihito sat on the pale blue Celestine throne as the Conclave of Cyber-Cardinals assembled into the Great Hall of the Apostolic Palace. Akihito watched as they filed in; some looking at him, some deliberately and some avoiding eye contact all together. He watched Augustine carefully as the slender man slipped in like a leaf on the breeze. The robotic Swiss Guards bolted the door shut and promptly powered down into reactive guard mode.

“Grace be with you!” said Akihito in a firm voice to cut through the murmurings.

“And also with you!” came the reply of the two hundred and fifteen cardinals.

“Be seated”

Akihito slowly rose from his throne, looking upon them. “I wish to assemble the Papal Fleet!” He watched as the pockets of sidetalk rippled through them. “I will lead in the Fleet to remove the house of Abstergo from the galaxy!”

“OUTRAGEOUS!” screamed Cardinal Orsini, one of the puppets for the Abstergo.

“This will not stand!” growled Cardinal Covo, his bionic eye targeting the Galactic Pope “You bring dishonour to this conclave!”

“Bite your tongue!” shouted Cardinal Angelita from across the chamber “You should watch your tone when addressing his holiness!”

“I did not vote for his holiness!”

Akihito watched as the war of words broke out between those for, those against and those who sought to make everyone happy. His job was now to wait and then call a vote, the rest was in the hands of the gods and the votes of one hundred and thirty one, the minimum sixty percent needed. It would be a long week of deals, threats, challenges and bloodshed.

To be continued....

#2 Posted by batkevin74 (11004 posts) - - Show Bio

Three days, 29 reads, no comments...

Hey @razzatazz read your training wheels thing, here's some original stuff :)

#3 Edited by RazzaTazz (9679 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: Pretty interesting, I like syntheses of different concepts and this one works pretty well with a religious slant in a sci fi setting. What is next?

Moderator
#4 Posted by batkevin74 (11004 posts) - - Show Bio

@razzatazz: Hopefully war and bloodshed, some betrayal maybe :)

#5 Posted by RazzaTazz (9679 posts) - - Show Bio
Moderator
#6 Posted by Bronze_Surfer (2984 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: Really good as always. To bad I know nothing of Warhammer 40K (i think it's Warhammer 40K)

#7 Posted by batkevin74 (11004 posts) - - Show Bio

@bronze_surfer: Oh it's not 40k, just used a pic! It has a 40k feel I'll give you that :) Thanks for reading

#8 Posted by 4donkeyjohnson (1703 posts) - - Show Bio

Interesting, like the Catholic Church's space program :)

#9 Posted by batkevin74 (11004 posts) - - Show Bio
#10 Edited by Omniscience (324 posts) - - Show Bio

Interesting idea, perhaps a few grammatical and punctual tweaks could be used, but otherwise a quite engaging and provocative read.

Omniscience.

#11 Posted by batkevin74 (11004 posts) - - Show Bio

@omniscience: Thanks. Could point them out, being so close to the subject I kinda miss my own errors

#12 Edited by Omniscience (324 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74:

  • My main suggestion would be to enhance your use of grammar. Without being too pedantic, the consistency of the past tense within your story, yields the most room for improvement. In certain instances your grammar reflects the present participle, sometimes for whole sections (see paragraph starting with the example marked by * and ending with the example marked by **).

"...rain pelted down on the man who stood in my courtyard. He was here there to kill me..."

"As I got to the massive wrought iron door I stop stopped, and slowly look looked around at the beautifully crafted stonework..."

"I open opened the door."*

"My armour feeds fed me his information, as his obviously does did the same."**

  • Finally there are just a few spelling and literal errors, though your work is largely sound.

"I make the signs of the gods old so this one may know now rest in the next life."

“Yes, yes your highness(.)” Don't forget to close your dialogue!

“History will judge me, so will the gods, on whether I have made the right choice(,)” He he gently lifted Dreval’s chin so their eyes met(,) “That that is all one can do(.)”

I hope this helps you, and I enjoyed reading your chapter.

Omniscience.

#13 Posted by cbishop (8734 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: Glad to see you expand this. It's an intriguing idea. I look forward to reading whatever's next.

#14 Posted by batkevin74 (11004 posts) - - Show Bio

@cbishop: Thanks, the idea of a papal galactic empire is kinda cool and scary, bit like what life was like back between 1200-1500AD in Europe where what the Church said, pretty much was law (with notable exceptions of course)

@omniscience: Thanks, though "I make the signs of the gods old so this one may know now rest in the next life." Your version now makes no sense. One may KNOW rest in the next life. Thanks for the critique though, always need pointers to be better

#15 Edited by Omniscience (324 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: Keep it up. And it's good that you can take criticism on the chin and improve. That's a quality not many people around here have.

Omniscience.

#16 Posted by TheJester (178 posts) - - Show Bio

Absolutely loved this story. Found it interesting, and it left me wanting more. I'm readily awaiting the next chapter. Keep up the good work man.

#17 Posted by batkevin74 (11004 posts) - - Show Bio

@thejester: Thanks, hoping this weekend to have another installment

#18 Posted by 4donkeyjohnson (1703 posts) - - Show Bio
#19 Edited by batkevin74 (11004 posts) - - Show Bio
#20 Posted by 4donkeyjohnson (1703 posts) - - Show Bio

Bumped as I have just found part 2 :)

#21 Posted by batkevin74 (11004 posts) - - Show Bio

Bumped

#22 Posted by ImpurestCheese (5547 posts) - - Show Bio

Wow not the Pope as we know the title at the moment. Sounds like a world where killing is run of the mill. Religion is violent at the best of times, here it's down right murder.

#23 Posted by batkevin74 (11004 posts) - - Show Bio

@impurestcheese: I'm trying to get that Renaissance/Assassin Creed feel but with some powered armour & lazer swords! Humans regardless of tech-level still pretty much will stab others in the back or the face to get what they want

#24 Edited by lykopis (10746 posts) - - Show Bio

I'm starting at the beginning and this is just as enjoyable, if not more so than when I read it for the character contest! The arrogance of the Galactic Pope gets me all annoyed and like -- I want to smack him but I like him all the same, lol.

Off to the second chapter.

#25 Edited by batkevin74 (11004 posts) - - Show Bio

@lykopis: Yeah the all popes, from all corners of the galaxy need a good firm smack :)

#26 Edited by dngn4774 (3222 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: Not much for me to say that I didn't already comment on in the original CCC but I like the elements that were mixed together. I'm going to take time reading the next chapter to get more of a feel for the characters.

#27 Edited by batkevin74 (11004 posts) - - Show Bio
#28 Posted by DeadPoker (354 posts) - - Show Bio

I like the renaissance tone of the story.

#30 Posted by DeadPoker (354 posts) - - Show Bio
#31 Posted by batkevin74 (11004 posts) - - Show Bio