#1 Edited by poze (256 posts) - - Show Bio

Excuse me part 1 was more a prologue then a real first part.There will be 5 parts and many spin-offs

I would like to hear some feedback and critics pleas so I can get better.And there might be thing you can't understand they will be answered in some of the spin-offs or in the next parts

T+ up to M (I couldn't decide between those two)

The Man of Steel arrived at his Fortress of Solitude, and he opened the Gate and went inside. His Superbots greeted him as he just kept on walking. He heard a noise coming from one of the bathrooms; it was water. Using his x-ray vision to see through the door, he saw Diana taking a shower. Quickly stopping, he resumed his walking.Suddenly water stopped he could her usual bathroom sounds.A second later came Diana out of the bathroom she had a towel up to her breast covering them and her 3 month pregnant belly.She came near him and said "Oh Kal-Ell your back." Then she got near and put her hand on his chest and said with a voice you already knew what she wanted "Why don't you use that opportunity? I know that you were watching me in the bathroom,it have been a long time since we have done it" Superman just pushed her away and said full of anger "Go away Woman"but then he realized that he could hurt his baby and that Wonder Woman have all so superpowers and then quick turn around. Diana stud up an said harsh "The next you do this I'm gonna cut of your head! I'm note one of these cheap women when you see every night!You thought I didn't knew that? You just have too show them you'r super strength and they will do it for free!" He still looked at her as she put on her Wonder Woman costume he said "Where you going?" "Far away from you to Paradise Island!" "But your not supposed to fly while being pregnant!" "You didn't seemed to care a minute ago!" Then she just flew away.Screamed out an anger sound.

He went to his secret room.He opened the door and inside were only thing from Lois,Kal just sad on a chair and thought about his arrival on earth and when he met Lois.He remembered when Martha Kent found his space ship and all the nights when Jonathan tried too kill him.His thoughts were broken by a scream he didn't remember the voice but he knew it was a woman voice,it was hard for him to recall women voices since Louis's dead.He got up and went out of the room then an other scream then only hard breathing,the sounds came out of Bruce's room in front of the door where Alfred Clark asked him "What is going on in thee?" "I don't think that you can go inside master Kent" Superman just ignored him and open the door even if it was locked.

Inside was Selina getting dressed,it was the first time he official saw her without her costume she was wearing a really short blue dress her face was half burned."Hello Superman"you could here that she was scared by the Man of Steel then she just ran out.Clark looked at his best friend an artificial skeleton as build around his body so he could move because hes body was smashed by Damian Wayne."Bruce I didn't knew that you start having a relationship?" Bruce took his blinked and put it around his under body then stud up and from his bed and said"Selina was always my love interest Clark.But I heard that you were visiting my son in prison how is he?" "Still the same Green hair white face and an ugly smile on his face" Superman stopped."Something happened in New York" "Let me come with you Clark!" "Don't you remember what happened the last time?"He flew away before he could answer.When he arrived in New York Coney island was completely destroyed."What happened here?" the people looked at him like he was responsible for this but one officer said "Some of your friend got angry and I don't think that you could go there" he ignored him and flew further everything was destroyed nobody was there.But near the water he could see a body a dead body it was Diana! She wasn't completely dead "Tell me what happened Diana!" She tried to speak but the only thing she could say was "H..a" then she died in his arms "Don't tell me it happened again.'Ha' no not him again not CARTER HALL!!!"

#2 Edited by xxYoungFatexx (113 posts) - - Show Bio

You need to separate this into paragraphs; one big block of text is difficult for readers to read. Also, whenever you have someone new talking, it's a good idea to put a space between it and the other text.

Additionally, you sometimes add too many pronouns. The first few sentences need a few pronouns removed or rearranged to make sense or be more legible.

For example, I edited these sentences:

Your sentences - The Man of Steel arrived at his Fortress of Solitude he opened the Gate and went inside.His Superbots were greeting him he just kept on walking.He heard a noise coming from one of the bathrooms,it was water he used his x-ray vision to see through the door,he saw Diana taking a shower he stopped his vision and kept on walking.

My revisions - The Man of Steel arrived at his Fortress of Solitude, and he opened the Gate and went inside. His Super-bots (I don't know if it needs that symbol or not) greeted him as he just kept on walking. He heard a noise coming from one of the bathrooms; it was water. Using his x-ray vision to see through the door, he saw Diana taking a shower. Quickly stopping, he resumed his walking.

Looking it over again, these sentences never indicated any stopping physical body motion. It would be wise to put it so that it isn't implied. Superman can use x-ray vision while walking, and the way the sentences is written; it appears that Superman never stopped walking. This renders the notion that he begins walking again contradictory.

Anyways, these things blocked my view of the story, and I couldn't read any further. However, a pregnant Wonder Woman is always a fun sight xD

#3 Edited by poze (256 posts) - - Show Bio

@xxYoungFatexx: thank you for your critics I'll change that

I just did it hope it is better now

#4 Posted by TheCannon (20261 posts) - - Show Bio
#5 Posted by poze (256 posts) - - Show Bio

@TheCannon: Thank you :)

#6 Posted by primepower53 (6064 posts) - - Show Bio

This is really cool.

#7 Posted by poze (256 posts) - - Show Bio

@primepower53: thank's but I'm not sure if I make a part three

#8 Posted by GR2Blackout (2929 posts) - - Show Bio

Good.

#9 Posted by Trodorne (2749 posts) - - Show Bio

I forgot to comment on the first one and i did not want to try to dig it up now just to comment. its good. despite the critics obvious personal problems with it. I thought its a great story idea. keep it up I can't wait to see more from you.

#10 Posted by poze (256 posts) - - Show Bio

@Trodorne: Thank you really I try to get better in the next 3 parts!