#1 Edited by poze (225 posts) - - Show Bio

Ok before I start this takes place on Earth-13.

In this World all the characters are different and if your not alright with one off my decisions tell me i'll maybe change it. And sorry my English is not perfect I apologize for grammar faults.

T+

Commissioner Gordon got inside the café, and he saw Clark sitting at a nearby table.. He took a chair sat in front of him he looked at him and him and said "What happened Clark? Why are you not in Metropolis?" Superman looked at him with an angry face,he opened his mouth but closed it quick. Gordon smiled a little "You've changed your not the person I knew before! They are scared of you Clark!" Clark's eyes were flaming full of anger but he replied "I know that but all these other so called 'Super Heroes' don't stand a chance against me!" Gordon looked at him again but in staid of saying something he ordered a cafe fore him and the Man Of Steel.

"You know I wasn't talking about this I was talking about Cyrus Gold you nearly killed him!" Kent screamed "You know what he have done!!! He didn't only kill her he burned her alive!!!" "I know that you are ob said about Lois's dead but you have to move on its 5 years ago! And I heard you found someone new.Wonder Woman?" Clark looked away he drunk a bit from his cafe and then answered slowly "Yes Diana.But I think we are not here to talk about my love live" "Yes I know but how is Bruce? I feel sorry for him the Wayne Mansion burned poor Dick.Hopefully you were there" "But not fast enough! You know how much I would like to break his skull between my fingers! This ugly Clown I should have killed him!You see what he had done to Selina her beautiful face was burned,just like Louis's!"

The commissioner finished his cup and replied "You had a ruff live I understand you, you have seen many horrible things, I understand you. But this don't justify your actions, Clark! I mean, Your supposed to be the greatest hero of all time but know your just a grumpy man! People you love die around you because YOU!" points finger at him "Only think about your self! Remember the Green War against the Green Lanterns,because you didn't like the idea having a exteraterrastrial corp handling problems on earth! So you just started a war with other heroes off course you literary destroyed them! But for what price? Remember Kara died in front of you eyes!You know i'm disappointed of you! But it's to late to change they are all scared off you!"

He stud up took out his money and put it on the table then he went out.Clark crushed his cup with his fingers and stud up and went out it was raining.He went in to a small street with nobody around and took out his closes moved his finger over the blue S."They will see" Then he flew away.

#2 Posted by Illuminatus (9489 posts) - - Show Bio

Interesting concept.

#3 Posted by TheCannon (19371 posts) - - Show Bio

Cool.

#4 Posted by GR2Blackout (2564 posts) - - Show Bio

@Illuminatus said:

Interesting concept.

This

#5 Posted by poze (225 posts) - - Show Bio

@TheCannon: thank you :)

#6 Posted by poze (225 posts) - - Show Bio

@Illuminatus: is this positive?

#7 Posted by Illuminatus (9489 posts) - - Show Bio
@poze: Certainly.
#8 Posted by poze (225 posts) - - Show Bio

@Illuminatus: thank you I just finished part 2

#9 Posted by batkevin74 (11196 posts) - - Show Bio

@poze: Okay there are some grammar and spelling errors, nothing copying it onto a word doc won't fix. It's interesting, bit short though

#10 Posted by primepower53 (5591 posts) - - Show Bio

I like it.

#11 Posted by poze (225 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: Thank you I'll do better in the other parts

#12 Posted by poze (225 posts) - - Show Bio

@primepower53: thank you but when I see your pick it look you don't mean it :)

#13 Posted by primepower53 (5591 posts) - - Show Bio

@poze said:

@primepower53: thank you but when I see your pick it look you don't mean it :)

lol. That happens a lot with this pic.

Allow me to change back to my classic one. :P

#14 Posted by xxYoungFatexx (99 posts) - - Show Bio

I reviewed part 2 before, and I have the same problems with this. The first paragraph should be broken up again, excessive amount of stuff in one paragraph. The first sentence seems to be missing something.

- You wrote, “Commissioner Gordon got inside the café he saw him sitting by a table in a corner.” I do not know until later whom you are talking about when you write the sentence that way. It would be much better, in my opinion to describe Clark or just say his name first. Not only that but also this sentence needs a comma or semi colon. When you use more than one element, you need the comma or semi colon to prevent elements from glomming together.

- My suggestion: Commissioner Gordon got inside the café, and he saw Clark sitting at a nearby table. Alternatively- Commissioner Gordon got inside the café; he saw Clark sitting at a nearby table.

Another example when you did the same thing. “Superman looked at him with an angry face he opened his mouth but closed it quick.” – You need a semi colon if you do something like this. These are two sentences clonked together.

Things needing correction or addition in red (Never mind, in bold):

The commissioner finished his cup and replied "You had a ruff live I understand you, you have seen many horrible things, I understand you. But this don't justify your actions, Clark! I mean, Your supposed to be the greatest hero of all time but know your just a grumpy man!

- This dialogue needs more separation. Whenever you use dialogue too much or too often, readers take in so many details at once, they may forget. After this sentence, the rest are similar with the problems I listed above, and some spelling errors. The second to last paragraph has too many words for my liking. Many writers use the 25 words per sentence rule (Dialogue). Try it out, and it may help your dialogue’s fluidity. I do not mean any offense, but I am one of those people who will not read something based upon concept alone. This story has a good one, but the amount of errors overshadows the concept. Continue to write though, Poze. Each day, and each sentence will improve your sentence structure and grammar.

#15 Posted by poze (225 posts) - - Show Bio

@xxYoungFatexx: Thank you it help's me to get better.And I tried to fix it a bit,I'm still waiting for your correction on part 3 and Bio :)

#16 Posted by darth_brendroid (1692 posts) - - Show Bio

I agree with some others; some issues with spelling/sentence structure, but nothing that a copy and paste into Word shouldn't help fix. Interesting concept, but here at least I don't quite think there's quite the noir flavour I'd have expected.

#17 Posted by batkevin74 (11196 posts) - - Show Bio

@poze said:

Edit:

Commissioner James Gordon entered the café. He looked around and saw Clark Kent sitting at a nearby table. He nodded to the waitress and grabbed a cup of coffee on his way to sit down.

"What happened Clark?” asked Gordon as he sat opposite “Why are you not in Metropolis?"

Clark looked at the aging Gotham cop, but remained silent.

“They’re scared of you” said Gordon sipping his coffee “You’re not the person I once knew”

Clark grunted and shrugged “So”

“They’ll eventually come for you”

Clark smiled “These other so called 'super heroes' don't stand a chance against me!"

“Everyone has a weakness”

Clark’s eyes opened wider as he bathed Gordon in x-rays, looking for lead; the sign that he was carrying kryptonite.

“I’m clean” said Gordon as he dropped a photo onto the table.

“Cyrus Gold” Clark spat the name from his lips as he gazed down at the photo of the broken, dismembered Solomon Grundy. His eyes went red and the photo burst into flames. Gordon tipped his coffee over it to put it out.

“Why are you showing me that?” asked Clark

“Because you’re heading down a path” said Gordon jingling his cup for a refill “And soon it may be too late…for you…for all of us”

Clark gripped the table, his fingers sinking into it like it was butter “Five years ago…” Clark stopped as the waitress hovered nearby. She poured another cup, Gordon handed her a twenty “Leave the pot” She pocketed the money and wandered off

“I understand you have seen many horrible things I understand you. But what you’ve done doesn’t make it right…or fix things”

“You have no idea of my loss Gordon!” snarled Clark

“Nor you of mine!” Gordon snapped back at the man of steel, a man who could crush him like an insect with a bat of his eyelid “My daughter! My wife! My son!”

“Bah!” Clark stood up

“Sit down!”

Clark looked down at him, like he was something he’d stepped in. Slowly he sat.

“This can only end badly for everyone” said Gordon “Only you can stop this”

“I will stop it” Clark said “But not the way you think”

Clark stood up, Gordon joined him.

“I can’t let you leave” said Gordon reaching into his pocket to pull out a pair of handcuffs.

“Are you serious James?” sneered Clark “I’m Superman!”

“I know, but as an officer of the law, I have to!” Gordon sighed “Clark Kent! I am placing you under arrest for…” Gordon didn’t finish the sentence as Clark shoved him backwards into the wall like he’d been hit by a car.

“Admirable but stupid Gordon”

Above is my edit of your story. I changed some things, edited some things, it's yours to do with as you wish.

#18 Posted by poze (225 posts) - - Show Bio

@darth_brendroid: What do you mean with not quite the Noir flavor you expected?

#19 Posted by darth_brendroid (1692 posts) - - Show Bio

When I think noir I think roaring twenties; grizzled detectives having a smoke or sitting in a bar wallowing about how Lex 'Red' Luthor and his gang of thugs including Oswald 'Prankster' Loomis and Winslow 'Toyman' Schott are still on the loose even after flaunting prohibition laws and running guns. Even reporters sitting together talking about the gangs or something. Like I said, Gordon's presence gave me a bit of that sense here but otherwise I didn't quite get the noir I expected. Not saying that's a bad thing, just wasn't what I expected is all.

#20 Edited by poze (225 posts) - - Show Bio

@darth_brendroid: Oh mine is more Noir black you know (Noir=Black) dark feeling.

#21 Posted by tomdickharry1984 (837 posts) - - Show Bio

@darth_brendroid Noice idea! DO it! @poze ummm this is...it doesn't make much sense dude! And whois Louis? Is superman gay in your world and he's dating a guy called Louis? Or did you mean Lois? I like it but its mesy

#22 Posted by poze (225 posts) - - Show Bio

@darth_brendroid: btw I love your idea and your right after I finished I wanted to call it "Superman:New Dark" but its to late