#1 Edited by eippihrellik (271 posts) - - Show Bio

In the ruins of Lex corp. Stand Superman and Supergirl They stand over and defeated Lex Luthor as Luthor sat there on his hands and knees clearly defeated with the remains of what seemed like an exoskeleton like layer of metal that had formed from his union with Brainiac

"Give it up Luthor you and I both know this is over" Superman said almost unsure of his words and what Luthor might do next

"That may be Superman but allow me to give you one last parting gift before my impending incarceration" Luthor Pulls out a gun and shoots at Supergirl

"Are you really that desperate Lex" Superman said disappointed at his arch enemies desperate attempt

After Luthors arrest Kara asked Clark in a confused tone of voice "What was up with that Luthor has never come across the as persistent type i mean a gun talk about desperate"

"I dont know Kara" said superman then sighing

"Maybe he blew a fuse joining minds with brainiac or something" said kara

"Could be but hes behind bars now so no use worrying over it" said Clark

"Yeah right you know they arent gonna be able to keep him behind bars for long and knowing you youll probably lose sleep trying to figure out this whole gun thing out you cant fool me cousin" said kara

A week later Superman and Supergirl were locked in a fierce battle with Metallo in down town Metropolis

Kara foolishly blitzes towards metallo and is shop by a beam of kryotonite radiation emitting from Metallos chest while Metallo was distracted by Karas foolish and fruitless assault Clark was able to easily subdue Metallo

"Didnt we have a talk about the virtues of patience" said Clark

"Hey I was just making an opening for you" said Kara

"Sure you were" said superman

Kara stumbles in an attempt to stand up she is disoriented for some reason

"Kara are you okay is it the kryptonite" said Clark

"No its already worn off this is something else" Kara then proceeds to vomit then faints

"KAAAARAAAA" Clark yelled

Here's chapter 2

#2 Posted by wildvine (10334 posts) - - Show Bio

Good story and good dialogue. Needs punctuation. The first line could be reworked a bit, otherwise a great read.

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#3 Posted by Project_Worm (3495 posts) - - Show Bio

@eippihrellik: Very nice man, could use some work though, specifically when you re-use the same word over and over (pet peeve of mine...).

For example when you say.

"Are you really that desperate Lex" Superman said disappointed at his arch enemies desperate attempt
After Luthors arrest Kara asked Clark in a confused tone of voice "What was up with that Luthor has never come across the as persistent type i mean a gun talk about desperate"

If you were to change it to

"Are you really that desperate Lex" Superman said disappointed at his arch enemies sad attempt
After Luthors arrest Kara asked Clark in a confused tone of voice "What was up with that Luthor has never come across the as persistent type i mean a gun talk about pathetic"

I think it would give it a few more layers. Other than that and a few minor mistakes it looks rather promising. :D

#4 Posted by poze (225 posts) - - Show Bio

Nice good work!

#5 Posted by eippihrellik (271 posts) - - Show Bio

bump