Soopah Bear used to be a normal bear. But then he ate some honey made by radioactive bees that came from a meteor. And also he was hit by lightning. If you had a dime every time you heard this old story, amirite?
Anyway... Soopah Bear was just a normal bear, but then he got soopah powahs, and discovered that when you have soopah powahs other people want you to do stuff for them all the time, and other soopah powahed characters want you to join them, or fight them, or whatever. Generally being a soopah hero is a total pain in the derriere. And you don't get paid. That's what you call a fringe negative. Or to put it another way, its like being friends with benefits, but all your friends have crabs.
So, now that we have that all important origin jazz out of the way (always a must in a tale of a protagonist).... One day Soopah Bear was sitting in his cave. It was like that other guys cave, only lower tech, cause hero-ing don't pay (remember, we just covered this?) and also there were no bats. The bats had actually moved out a few days ago, and Soopah Bear would need to look for new roommates soon enough to split the rent.
So our hero was sitting in his cave on the outskirts of town, but not necessarily the bad part of town, because I'm not here to perpetrate stereotypes, when he heard his phone ring. It wasn't his regular phone, because that one never rang. It was his hero phone, the one that rang when he was needed to use his powahs for something, and in Soopah Bears opinion, rang a little too often. With a sigh he muted the reality show he was watching about Jersey Sharks, and answered his phone.
"Mmhmabmhbmhm?" He mumbled into the receiver. Soopah Bear was a mumbler. It was a trait of someone that is reluctant or otherwise disinclined to conversation. It's also a sign of a shy person, but that definition is not applicable in this scenario. Not sure why I brought it even up.
"Greetings Soopah Bear, it is I, Count Salmon, your arch-nemesis! I'm calling to tell you I have kidnapped the lovely Reina Raccoon, and have left her tied at the top of the Damn Beaver Dam. Bluh-bluh-bluh!! I'm calling because you can never, ever get there in time to save her, and I will be proved to be your intellectual superior."
"Hmmh bmhmb?" Soopah Bear replied.
"Yes, stacking the odds in my favor will totally prove my vague point! Its the scientific method!"
But Count Salmon did not realize Soopah Bear was on a cell, being a modern bear and all. And had flown with super-duper speed to the Damn Beaver Dam while the vampire fish was monologue-ing.
"Mbhmb bhhmbh bhmbbhm." Soopah Bear said from behind the megalomaniac fish.
"Curses you Soopah Bear! How does a bumbling barrel of fat like you keep foiling me like this??" Soopah Bear shrugged. "No matter." The evil aquatic creature continued. "The bombs will go off any moment now!" He gurgled before leaping the dam into the water below.
"Oh Soopah Bear! You have to save the town, or it'll be washed away!" Reina swooned against Soopah Bear dramatically.
"Hhbmbhmb hhmbhuhmbh." Soopah Bear replied vaguely, lifting the comically large bomb and flying into the sky. Heaving with some effort, he hurled the bomb into the sun. By which I mean it exploded way before hitting the sun, but high enough in the atmosphere to not hurt anyone. I mean, the sun is really, really far away. Trust me, I Googled it.
And so the day was saved, but not without much sacrifice, as Soopah Bear's TV show had already gone off, and he forgot to TiVo it. Truly a lonely road, the life of a hero.
The end. Or something.
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