#1 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

There's something out there...

Ever since me and my family moved here something has haunted us. It comes at night and terrorizes us...it screeches at our windows and toys with us like a cat with a mouse...every night it comes with a smile...

that awful, wicked smile...

Two nights ago; the night after the first sighting, my daughter Lucy found something on the ground while playing outside.

She carried the thing in her hand as she traipsed along towards me to show me what it was.

"Mommy, Look!" she had said with an excited schoolgirl tone. "Look what I found!"

My hand clasped over my mouth as tears flowed down my cheeks. I stared in horror at what lay across her palm. It's feathers were rumpled and crushed. A gash could be seen on it's chest...

she had found a disemboweled bird...

"Lucy," I told her, "you put that thing down right now!" I grabbed her by the arm and tugged her back inside.

At that point my husband Drew had met me to see what the commotion was about. I instructed Lucy to take a bath, leaving him and me in the Kitchen. I brought him up to speed on what had happened. His arms flew around my waist with gentle care. His warm eyes invited me in and calmed me down.

"It's all right." he whispered, putting a finger to my lips. "I'm sure it's nothing."

My hand reached out to his bristled beard. He smiled as our lips met. "Everything's all right." his words fluttered into my ears.

It came again the next night.

This time I was able to get a good look at it...it's wings were bent and crooked. It was a shade of grey and seemed to blend in with it's surroundings...the nose and eyes reminded me of a gargoyle. Oh God that smile...

that awful wicked smile.

His eyes were yellow and black like a snake. His gaze pierced my soul. "You're alone." It whispered. The voice was that of one billion flies buzzing outside my ears. "YOU'RE ALL ALONE!"

He tossed something at me and with a great crash I fell to the floor. Drew climbed the stairs after hearing it. He embraced me...his arms flew around me and gripped me tight.

"What happened, Karen?" he asked.

I hadn't the nerve to speak...I simply pointed.

A bloody knife lay on the floor...that night we found dead bodies in the closets

Ever since then Drew, me and Lucy have been locked up in the basement. It hasn't appeared yet. It hasn't come to haunt us yet...It's been three nights since then yet I can't shake the feeling of hopelessness.

Drew has been more paranoid then even me. He's constantly checked the windows and doorways. "It's out there." he tells me. "It's out there somewhere."

"D-Drew" I stutter. "Please stop w-worrying."

He turns...slowly...the click of a metal blade rings in my ears....there's something in his hand....his face begins to contort....oh God that smile....

That awful, wicked smile....

#2 Posted by Rusty_Irons (627 posts) - - Show Bio

Chilling.

#3 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

@tmacximas said:

Chilling.

thanks!

#4 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

bump

#5 Posted by CapFanboy (4520 posts) - - Show Bio

@primepower53: Congrats on being the top poster kid!

#6 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

@CapFanboy said:

@primepower53: Congrats on being the top poster kid!

I KNOW! I'M SO EXCITED! WOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!

#7 Posted by CapFanboy (4520 posts) - - Show Bio

@primepower53 said:

@CapFanboy said:

@primepower53: Congrats on being the top poster kid!

I KNOW! I'M SO EXCITED! WOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!

Ahh, life. The things it can stop you from doing

#8 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

@CapFanboy said:

@primepower53 said:

@CapFanboy said:

@primepower53: Congrats on being the top poster kid!

I KNOW! I'M SO EXCITED! WOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!

Ahh, life. The things it can stop you from doing

-__-

Really?

YOU KILLED MY DREAMS!

#9 Posted by CapFanboy (4520 posts) - - Show Bio

@primepower53 said:

@CapFanboy said:

@primepower53 said:

@CapFanboy said:

@primepower53: Congrats on being the top poster kid!

I KNOW! I'M SO EXCITED! WOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!

Ahh, life. The things it can stop you from doing

-__-

Really?

YOU KILLED MY DREAMS!

Heh

#10 Posted by AweSam (7373 posts) - - Show Bio

Thought the story was leading to this lol.

#11 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

@AweSam said:

Thought the story was leading to this lol.

-.-

Should I be offended?

#12 Posted by AweSam (7373 posts) - - Show Bio

@primepower53 said:

@AweSam said:

Thought the story was leading to this lol.

-.-

Should I be offended?

It was a joke. Then again, I think I'd crap myself if I saw that in my house.

#13 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

@AweSam: to be fair....so would I

#14 Posted by batkevin74 (10428 posts) - - Show Bio

So, you're the top dog in these here fan-fic parts....well you just put a big ol' bullseye on you! :) As for your story: Why in gods name didn't she call the cops? Stupid, stupid woman! Seriously one phone call and this whole situation could of been avoided, I hope Drew cuts her head off and wears it as a hat! That's my main gripe with horror stories & films that with a bit of proactivity, it might of been avoided...asides from the Freddy Kruger thing where vigilante proactivness CAUSED all the drama! Good story

#15 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74 said:

So, you're the top dog in these here fan-fic parts....well you just put a big ol' bullseye on you! :) As for your story: Why in gods name didn't she call the cops? Stupid, stupid woman! Seriously one phone call and this whole situation could of been avoided, I hope Drew cuts her head off and wears it as a hat! That's my main gripe with horror stories & films that with a bit of proactivity, it might of been avoided...asides from the Freddy Kruger thing where vigilante proactivness CAUSED all the drama! Good story

lol!

Thank you.......?

#16 Posted by Project_Worm (3347 posts) - - Show Bio

@primepower53: Very nice job, Prime! Interesting thing, I've actually been working on a story called "The Wicked Grin". In fact, if it wasn't for that coincidence I probably wouldn't have read this :P

#17 Posted by SyIar (405 posts) - - Show Bio

That sir, is creepy as hell. Loved it. Reminds me of a dream I had once.

#18 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

@Project_Worm said:

@primepower53: Very nice job, Prime! Interesting thing, I've actually been working on a story called "The Wicked Grin". In fact, if it wasn't for that coincidence I probably wouldn't have read this :P

thanks...? I'm getting a lot of compliments that I'm not sure what to make of...

@SyIar said:

That sir, is creepy as hell. Loved it. Reminds me of a dream I had once.

Thanks.

#19 Posted by TheCannon (17965 posts) - - Show Bio

Meh.

Online
#20 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

@TheCannon said:

Meh.

that's it....meh?

#21 Posted by TheCannon (17965 posts) - - Show Bio

@primepower53 said:

@TheCannon said:

Meh.

that's it....meh?

You heard me.

Actually, you read what I said, but you know what I mean.

Online
#22 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

@TheCannon: so what makes it "meh"? Why not good or bad?

I'd like some constructive criticism for next time.

#23 Posted by TheCannon (17965 posts) - - Show Bio

@primepower53 said:

@TheCannon: so what makes it "meh"? Why not good or bad?

I'd like some constructive criticism for next time.

The story is just kind of out there, if you get what I'm saying. It needed something more.

Online
#24 Posted by CapFanboy (4520 posts) - - Show Bio

@TheCannon said:

@primepower53 said:

@TheCannon: so what makes it "meh"? Why not good or bad?

I'd like some constructive criticism for next time.

The story is just kind of out there, if you get what I'm saying. It needed something more.

The story is brilliant. Spooky without being cheesy. Well written and not too long. 1st person makes it all the more exciting. And advice, I don't think Prime wants "Meh" on his stories without any feedback as to why you think that.

#25 Posted by 4donkeyjohnson (1634 posts) - - Show Bio

Meh is an acceptable answer in youth culture as is conveys feelings of apathy and whatever-ness, usually because they are either too stupid or too lazy to pull their heads out of their bottoms....I digress. This story is better than your elves, vampires & wolves stories (too much airy-fairy/commercial overexposure) this is okay. I felt that as it begun to get creepy it changed to the basement and as the big reveal came that it was her husband it ended! I don't know how to improve it, saying make it longer would possibly spoil what you were attempting. I'll give it a solid B.

#26 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

@4donkeyjohnson said:

Meh is an acceptable answer in youth culture as is conveys feelings of apathy and whatever-ness, usually because they are either too stupid or too lazy to pull their heads out of their bottoms....I digress. This story is better than your elves, vampires & wolves stories (too much airy-fairy/commercial overexposure) this is okay. I felt that as it begun to get creepy it changed to the basement and as the big reveal came that it was her husband it ended! I don't know how to improve it, saying make it longer would possibly spoil what you were attempting. I'll give it a solid B.

thanks!

#27 Posted by 4donkeyjohnson (1634 posts) - - Show Bio

You're welcome