#1 Posted by gumflabica (2240 posts) - - Show Bio

!!!Since my CPU won't let me use Italics, and since neither of these characters talk, what they say will be thoughts.!!!

It was a dark, cold night, the favorite of Slenderman. "Ahh, another job well done" he thoguht as he put the last organ into his victim's impaled body. "Now to find some fresh meat!" As Slenderman stalked the forest, he found a sign, possibly the name of the forest. The sign read "Camp Crystal Lake." "This is nice," Slenderman thought. "a campground is sure to have young ones scattered everywhere. As Slenderman made his way to the forest, pinning a few notes to the occasional tree, he spied a light off in the distance, a light from the window of a cabin. He teleported over and started to look through the window. A group of teens and yound twenty-somethings. "Delicious." As Slenderman peered through the window at the underage drinkers, "Easy targets." and the teens engaging in intercourse "I'll wait a bit longer to kill." he was interrupted by a loud CRACK and screeming teens. He teleported around back, and when he came back, he saw a large man, wearing a hockey mask, stabbing the teens to death with a machete. "THAT WAS MY PREY!" Slenderman leaped through the window, not caring that he could teleport, and used a tentacle like appendage to grab the man.

"Who is this?" Jason thoght, "Another Demon, perhaps?" As Jason was lifted in the air and impaled, he slashed off the tentacle and landed on his feet. Not caring about the teens that got away, Jason rushed at the tall figure, and impaled him with his machete, only to find out the had impaled air. The figure was behind him, but Jason remembered how to deal with teleporters, and swung his machete in an arc, so it would hit them in the spot they went to. The machete dug into the side of Slenderman, and as the figure tried to stop the black ooze from seeping out, Jason went in for the kill. He jumped, and rather than cutting slenderman, he decapitated a dead teenager that had been moved there. He saw the figure outside of the window, just long enough for it to throw papers everywhere. When he went outside to read one, written in the black ooze that the figure was bleeding, the paper said, "GO TO SLEEP JASON! GO TO SLEEP!"

!!! Fades to black as you hear hysterical laughing!!!

so, what do whoever reads this think? what do you think i could do better? what did you think of the ending, and sleder's pedo vibe? all things i would appreciate seeing in the... comments? i think thats what they are in the fan-fic board. either way, There will be a second sometime soon.

#2 Posted by wildvine (9751 posts) - - Show Bio

More details would be nice. Maybe a human lead, so the readers have someone to relate too? Also, Jason's thought's were much too coherent. Jason speaks in expression, and actions.

Good notes, This is actually an interesting idea. And its nice to see some Jason Fan fic's.

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#3 Edited by gumflabica (2240 posts) - - Show Bio

@wildvine: yeah, i made jason think that way since we know nothing about what is really going on in his head. he could be a dumb brute, or he could have picked up a few books in the time he's been trapped there. who knows.

#4 Posted by gumflabica (2240 posts) - - Show Bio

anyone else want to read?

Bananas

Underwear

Magical

Pockets

#5 Posted by batkevin74 (10816 posts) - - Show Bio

@gumflabica: Sure both of them don't talk, so don't suplement it with seemingly out of character thoughts. You can do more with your descriptions and setting which will almost make people forget neither of them talk. Also maybe adding a human caught in the middle gives them both something to kill and then allows you to verbalise thoughts, terror and lots of screaming!

EG: It was a cold and dark night, a Slenderman kind of night. If he had facial features, he would smile as he impaled another organ of the helpless woman lying almost completely gutted before him, the moonlight glistening in her blood. He delighted in this ritual. Soon when she was splayed out like some horrific mural he wiped his hands. His body seemingly evaporated into the night as he teleported away silently.

He appeared within another forest next to a sign.

He spied a light in the distance, a cabin lurking in the woods. Sounds of bottles clinking and music drifted through the trees. Slenderman glided towards his prey, almost eager to kill again.

Jason Voorhees stood silently just out of the light. The group of twenty-something teens were drinking, carousing and generally having a good time. Jason watched them like a hawk, his mouldy hand firmly gripped around his razor sharp machete. A football flew from the circle and bounced near his feet.

"I'll get it!" A muscly young man wearing only jeans ran over to the ball. He picked it up and as he slowly stood up, noticed the hulking hockey masked man standing over him.

"A..." the words never formed as Jason grabbed the man by the throat and twisted his head with a sickening snap.

"Hey Dave! Throw the ball back you douche!"

The 'ball' sailed back into the circle, bounced and the group errupted in horror as Dave's decapitated head rolled along the grass. Jason stepped from the dark, his machete swinging like a scythe through wheat cleaving into the petrified teens. Blood, flesh and screams filled the night air.

Slenderman arrived to see the large man hack into the group. A teen ran straight at him to escape the massacre but met something far worse. Slenderman's tentacle punctured through the teen's sternum and shot out his back, curled back around his throat and then straighted, snapping the man like a twig. The teen convulsed in death spasms as Slenderman shook him off his tentacle like one flicks water drops off their fingers. He glided towards the man, drawn to him yet replused by him.

Jason shuddered as he reefed his machete from a girls head, turning to the source of his unease. A slender, faceless thing came in from the forest towards him, Jason adjusted his grip on his machete.

"HOLY MOTHER F%$#!^G JESUS F%$#!^G CHRIST!!" shrieked Emily, the lone girl left trapped in the circle between two demonic things.

@wildvine:

That's just a rough idea, using 90% of what you had :)

#6 Posted by Angryprune (732 posts) - - Show Bio

i would like to see some more stuff like this

#7 Posted by gumflabica (2240 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: thanks. i'm not the greatest writer, but i think i can come up wiht good ideas. maybe i'll start taking creative writing classes or something. i do like that though. and people have done that to things of mine before.

and this is just the first of a multi-part series, so you might be seeing some important human characters@wildvine:

#8 Posted by gumflabica (2240 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: and at the beginning i was throwing in a dose of classic slendey, the one that impaled it's victims on three branches and placed each of their orans in seperate ziploc bags, then placed the organs back in the correct spots, bags still on them.

#9 Posted by batkevin74 (10816 posts) - - Show Bio

@gumflabica: I have no real idea who or what Slender Man is, just googled it quickly and found out he had no face.

But if both your main characters don't talk, there is no need to give us their thoughts. It's like Aliens Vs Predator, both don't need or are able to talk, their actions do the the talking. In the comics they threw in a human, same would work for your story

#10 Posted by gumflabica (2240 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: it's fine. but i do consider reading up on slenderman. huge internet craze. it's good to know more about popular things than most people. also a very interesting character with a very interesting story. i can get high by thinking about the same thing for an hour without taking my eyes off the keyboard. i fear swimming with dolphins because there fins get me confused with sharks. i'm still writing. just writing my thouhgts... nah, if i were writing my thoughts i would be banned. band. rubbber band. rubber village people. rubbers at the YMCA. GROSS!

#11 Posted by batkevin74 (10816 posts) - - Show Bio

@gumflabica: Oh-kay....

#12 Posted by gumflabica (2240 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: and if you liked that, check out my Admitt it. You're a geek. thread. absolutely hilarious.

#13 Posted by batkevin74 (10816 posts) - - Show Bio

@gumflabica: ....oh-kay....you've now lost me....

#14 Posted by gumflabica (2240 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: @batkevin74:

lost. modernized gilliagans island. coconuts=nuclear reactors. nuclear donuts. put that in the hole. non-dirty uranium. urinate. public urination is bad, you can get arrested for eating lettuce.

#15 Posted by TommytheHitman (3207 posts) - - Show Bio