Scalphunter spun on his heels and glared into Sharpshot’s eyes “Go on Longshot? I starking dare you!”
“What do I win?” sneered Sharpshot as his finger hovered over the trigger.
Scalphunter grabbed Sharpshot’s hand and deep throated the gun “Go’won!” he garbled.
“You’re a $#%&g freak!” as he wrestled to get control of the weapon. Scalphunter held the wrist firmly and kept staring at his opponent.
“Jushpuwlthartwigger!” gagged Scalphunter.
“What are your two morons doing?” asked Metron as he gazed over the side of his Moebius Chair from their vantage point. The Grandmaster rubbed the top of his nose in frustration.
“I have NO idea.” he groaned as Metron smiled.
Six-armed Spider-Man and Captain Robert cautiously approached the pair as they spun in a tight circle for control of Sharpshot’s gun.
“I’m not so big on killing,” said Spider-Man “I’m just going to web them up and you can knock them out. Victory for us”
“Aye strange one” replied Captain Robert.
“Hey, I’m not strange I’m your friendly neighbourhood X-Man!” Spider-Man struck a pose which only got a confused blank look from the pirate ninja.
“Doit!” grunted Scalphunter, slobber dripping from his mouth as he bit the gun barrel.
“Would you let go!” yelled Sharpshot as the tango continued. Scalphunter caught the approaching pair in his periphery and smiled. He shifted his grip and made Sharpshot pull the trigger.
Scalphunter’s palate shot out the back of his head as he collapsed on the floor. Captain Robert stood their horrified as he drew his cutlass “Base villain!”
“Hey, he did that all by himself! Besides he’s got a…” Sharpshot’s excuse was cut off by a glob of web fluid engulfing his mouth as the two heroes from other dimensions set upon him. Sharpshot fired a barrage at Spider-Man who easily flipped out of the way. Captain Robert sliced Sharpshot across the wrist which caused him to drop his gun as blood spurted from the painful but cosmetic cut. Sharpshot went for a shin kick but Captain Robert was just as agile, leaping up and kneeing Sharpshot in the face. Spider-Man jumped in and hit him with six separate punches that sent him reeling. Sharpshot tried to get his other gun but Captain Robert sliced off his holster, disarming him. Sharpshot scowled and tore at the webbing only to get his hand stuck to his face.
“Just give up!” said Spider-Man “You give, we win and we all go home”
“Or I can run you through like the scurvy dog you are!” stated Robert.
Sharpshot finally ripped the webbing clear “THAT’S $%#^G IT! NOBODY SHOOTS STICKY FLUID IN MY MOUTH!”
Spider-Man could hardly keep the smirk disguised under his mask “Say that again?”
“YOU HEARD ME! SHOOTING THAT HOT STICKY STUFF IN M…” Sharpshot paused “Oh very funny!”
“Are you a man who lies with other men?” asked Captain Robert as he slashed forward cutting the belt that held up Sharpshot’s pants.
“I’M NOT GAY!” cried Sharpshot as he comically struggled to keep his pants up. Spider-Man fired several more web bursts pinning Sharpshot’s feet to the floor.
“Surrender?” asked Captain Robert as his cutlass hovered under Sharpshot’s chin.
Spider-Man’s head cocked to the side “Spider sense tin…”
Three feet of sharp steel burst out of his neck, Scalphunter stood behind him, fury etched on his face. He twisted the blade and reefed it out of the side of Spider-Man’s neck, partially decapitating him.
“We shall not suffer a spider to live!” growled Scalphunter as the six armed mutant dropped to the ground, several hands pawing at his throat in a vain effort to stem the bleeding.
“JESUS!” yelped Sharpshot at the sheer hostility of the horrific scene, the adrenaline helping him break free of the foot webbing.
Scalphunter rammed the katana deep into Spider-Man’s sternum and drove it all the way to the hilt, pinning him to the ground like an insect in a collection. Captain Robert charged the assassin but was crash tackled to the ground by Sharpshot.
“Cut my pants off will you?” A fist shattered his eye socket “Call me gay will you?” Teeth splintered like kindling “Try and kill my friend huh?” Jaw fractured “Got news for you, you reject from Penzance!” The blows rained down until Scalphunter hauled him off.
“Do you think he’s dead yet ya starking psycho?”asked Scalphunter as he pointed to the caved in face that now resembled chunky hamburger mince.
“I felt like destroying something beautiful” said Sharpshot as he sighed dramatically.
Scalphunter looked at him. “Is that a quote or something Bigshot?”
“FIGHT CLUB!” screamed Sharpshot “What f$%#@ up alternate reality do you come from where they don’t have fight club?!”
There was a moan from the body of Captain Robert. Sharpshot shrieked like woman who’d been startled by a mouse, leaping into Scalphunter’s arms. The pair looked at each other before Scalphunter unceremoniously dumped him on the ground. Captain Robert clumsily wobbled to his feet.
“You can’t even kill people properly!” sneered Scalphunter as he drew his gun and pulled his sword from Spider-Man’s chest.
“Hey I killed plenty! I shot up that bar killing at least a dozen super villains once!” protested Sharpshot.
“I blew up a hover train full of kids to kill one person”
“That just means you’re lazy!” replied Sharpshot “And kids! Wow, you really take the cake, killing kids. Kick puppies too I suspect?”
Scalphunter sheepishly nodded then return to the focus of their attention, the near death figure trying to mount a defence.
“So are you going to finish the job or should a professional do it?” asked Scalphunter “Because I don’t think you could hit him from here…maybe wing him if you’re really trying”
Sharpshot scowled and drew his guns, blasting several holes through Captain Robert, mercifully ending his life. Sharpshot turned his guns on Scalphunter “Now to deal with you”
“Oh really Gunshot?” yawned Scalphunter.
Scalphunter chuckled and pointed “Pull your pants up before I die of laughter starker”
Sharpshot glanced down when the assassin struck, ramming his katana straight through Sharpshot’s stomach and out his back. Callum groaned and dropped to his knees.
“I hate you…” he gasped looking at how he’d been made into a human shish kebab.
“Pfft! If I had a pony for everyone who hated me,” he paused and began counting “I’d have like a million ponies…ooooh.” Scalphunter ripped the sword out quickly “You owe me a pony!”
“What?” coughed Sharpshot holding his wound.
“You heard me stark for brains! One pony! And since you’re from some weird extradimensional world of losers, I want a special pony! If not…”
“You’ll kill me?”
“Noooooooo!” Scalphunter got right into Sharpshot’s face “I’ll move into your world! How would you like that huh? Me in your world! And if the people there are anything like you, I could rule the whole thing in a week! I’d be…the Supreme Commander”
Sharpshot slowly, painfully exhaled as spied his guns “Well…that ain’t gonna happen Scalp-conditioner!” he grabbed his guns and blasted energy bullets, blowing holes in Scalphunter’s knees and shin bones; buckling his legs like a timed building collapse.
“Not again!” yelped Scalphunter as he hit the ground “This happened after I jumped out of that plane with zipper face!”
Sharpshot stood up; pants around his ankles, blood leaking from his gut and back, not mention the wound in his buttocks and slashed wrist plus the pummelling the six-armed freak had just given him and tatters of web fluid on his chin and in his teeth. He felt woozy as he levelled the guns at his chatty opponent.
“These guns have unlimited ammo. You have a healing factor. Let’s see which one gives out first shall we ya %^&%$# !^&*%!!”
He pulled the triggers gleefully as a torrent of energy bullets went flying. After several moments he looked down to see nothing had happened, the bullets absorbing into a force field that separated them “What the $%^k?”
Grandmaster and Metron appeared beside the pair “I have won Metron!”
The New God grumbled “Very well. Your villains have defeated my heroes.”
“Hang on a moment!” Sharpshot pulled his pants up “What do you mean villains? I’m a %^&*% super hero!”
“Really?” laughed Scalphunter from the ground “That’s starking hilarious, possibly an outright lie!”
“You may have lost on a point of order Grandmaster” mused Metron.
“I’m a card carrying, genuine, A grade superhero!” stated Sharpshot placing his hands triumphantly on his hips, to which his pants dropped back to his ankles.
“You kill, you swear, you steal…” said Grandmaster scratching his neck “You were an agent for the dictator of your world designed to betray your friend so they could be killed. You shot up a bar killing dozens. You slept with your interdimensional counterpart’s woman while pretending to be him. How exactly are you a hero?”
Sharpshot paused and the reality hit in. His shoulders slumped, his chin lowered and his head sunk “I’m…I’m the bad guy?”
“This is starking priceless!” laughed Scalphunter as he broke into a round of applause “I mean it’s not nice to point and laugh at someone who’s who reality has just come crashing around them but…it’s you and I don’t like you one starking bit! I think I saw the moment your little heart broke! It’s like seeing a virgin get deflowered, which isn’t as pretty as this moment but just as messy ha ha ha!”
Sharpshot gritted his teeth as he could feel his eyes welling with tears –Don’t you dare Callum! Suck it up!-
“Are you…are you trying not to cry Gunshot?” asked Scalphunter.
Sharpshot, without looking up, snapped his gun up level with Scalphunter’s face and pulled the trigger, sending brains flying out the back of his head “Shut up!”
“I stand corrected” said Metron.
“You’re still sitting down moron!” growled Sharpshot who was still keeping everything in check “What happens to them?” He pointed to the corpses of Spider-Man and Captain Robert.
“Their entire timelines are erased, as per our wager” stated the Grandmaster “They will now and forever, cease to exist.”
“You’re playing games with people’s lives y’know”
Both Grandmaster and Metron looked at Sharpshot, totally unimpressed. The Elder of the Universe shrugged “So?”
Sharpshot shook with rage. He’d never been so angry in his life, not at Batman, not at Scalphunter for calling him names, not even at Deranger who’d blown his head off to send him on this cosmic odyssey. These two…pricks, were wiping out entire timelines based on nothing more that personal combat. He mentally ran through what he had on his person…nothing really that would hurt these guys.
“I’m going to kill you!” stated Sharpshot.
“Your chess piece is talking back Grandmaster,” said Metron “How quaint?”
“Both of you!” added Sharpshot “You’re soo dead!”
Grandmaster simply uncaringly shrugged and turned away “Another game Metron?”
“Yes, yes indeed. This time I shall be the villains”
Sharpshot grabbed his guns and opened fire on them. The bullets bounced harmlessly off them. They slowly turned back.
“Yes?” said Grandmaster, unharmed and unimpressed.
“What happens to me?”
Metron swivelled his chair away “I couldn’t care less.”
Grandmaster shook his head “You won!”
Sharpshot saw Scalphunter slowly stirring “And him?”
“You will both be returned to your times. Enjoy your victory; I may call on you again”
“Don’t!” snapped Sharpshot “Otherwise…”
“Are YOU…threatening ME?” asked Grandmaster.
Ch-click! Grandmaster looked out the corner of his eye to see Scalphunter holding a gun to his temple.
“I believe he’s warning you d!^#e@d!” said Scalphunter, Sharpshot giving him a thumbs up on the appropriate swearing “This, this is a threat! By the way, if you’re choking, how does anyone tell?”
Grandmaster gave an audible snarl as he faded from view and the whole landscape returned to the endless white. Sharpshot and Scalphunter were left alone.
“So…” said Sharpshot as his fingers drifted towards the triggers of his gun “We go out shooting?”
“Could we not!” said Scalphunter sitting down “I’m had my starkhole kicked from here to Wakanda recently. It’ll be nice NOT having to heal anything for a while” They sat silently for a while when Scalphunter beckoned for Sharpshot’s gun. He hesitated and finally handed the gun over.
Scalphunter looked the gun over like a pro, opening up pieces Sharpshot didn’t even know about “Here’s your problem,” he pointed to a part inside the handle “We had these kinda electro rail guns in my universe too, but only the big rifle kind not compact like this but the problem is the same. The battery would overheat telling the gun computer the battery was depleted. My boss scrapped the entire starking project. It has a technical unlimited ammo capacity, IF you let it cool down and recharge.” He spun the gun around and handed it back.
Sharpshot hesitated before quickly taking back his gun. “Thanks.” He took a seat next to him “So your world?”
“Full of starks!” muttered Scalphunter “Run by a giant telekinetic starkbag! Yours?”
“Which one? First one was run by a douche bag with a big red S on his chest. After that I’ve been bouncing around kinda like that show you’ve probably never seen” Sharpshot smiled before hanging his head between his knees “Man…I’m a %^&$#g bad guy!
“You’re not a bad guy,” said Scalphunter “You’re an idiot!”
“Hey! I saved your skinny, knock-off version of me’s ass and won our respective universes a new lease on life!” replied Sharpshot.
“That’s actually kinda heroic Scarfshot”
Sharpshot smiled as a beam of red light hit him “Isn’t it just. See you round…Gerald”
“How the stark do you know my name?” roared Scalphunter as he flipped up to his feet and drew his sword in a fluid motion.
“I’m allowed to break the fourth wall from time to time” Sharpshot faded into nothingness leaving Scalphunter alone in the white void.
“YOU STILL OWE ME A PONY YOU STARK!”
Behind the agent a door opened as another agent walked into to report to the head of their organization, “Sir, the Supreme Commander…”
Before the agent could finish Scalphunter fired a full clip through his subordinate’s head and managed to hit the reporting agent at the same time; killing them both. “Stupid Danoomvers bots!”
There was a red light and Scalphunter stopped and looked at himself. He spun around in a circle like a dog chasing its tail. “WHAT THE $%#& JUST HAPPENED??”
The frightened agent who’d just watched his superior empty a clip through a fellow agent stood trembling “Um…sir you just killed Tommyson because you thought he was a Doo…”
“Danoomvers bot Antom!” corrected Scalphunter “That’s what they’re called, Danoomvers bots! No not that, the white room, that idiot who I shot in the butt, the blue cross dresser, the gimp in the chair…”
“Sir, you’ve been here the whole time” said the agent gingerly.
“A likely story…” Scalphunter tapped his lips with his fingers “Search the Ferrum database for Sharpshot! Hold my calls! AND FOR STARK’S SAKE SOMEONE GET ME A PONY!”
Sharpshot stepped out the window and looked back towards Kid before closing it.
"We're superheroes Kid. We don't use stairs."
There was a red light and Sharpshot stopped. He looked around in confusion.
Kid Thunder looked at him quizzically “Are you okay? You suddenly look, well terrible”
Sharpshot scratched his head “How long have I been gone?”
Kid Thunder screwed his face up in total confusion “You just stepped outside? About a second?”
Sharpshot looked down at the neat scar on his wrist from where Captain Robert nearly severed his hand “So it wasn’t a dream”
“So is there a plan?” asked Kid Thunder hesitantly.
Sharpshot took a deep breath “We’re superheroes right?”
“Well maybe it’s time I started ACTING like one!” Sharpshot placed his guns on the table “Sit this one out kid, I’ve got some thinking to do” Sharpshot vanished into the night leaving one very confused Kid Thunder.
Metron & Grandmaster stood against a backdrop of stars. Both had broad smiles, obviously happy with their newest choices.
Thanks to @Tommythehitman for lending me Sharpshot for this cross universal crossover (hopefully I haven't written you into a corner you don't want to be in)
Thanks to all the writers in CORRUPTED & Marvel: Iron Age who built such lovely worlds for me to mix and match with.
This may happen again but as you’ve seen Grandmaster & Metron play for keeps. So losing means…well we’ll talk :)