#1 Edited by poze (225 posts) - - Show Bio

Hope you all like the start of the real story and pleas tell me what you think! (S inc Comics:The Factory of Never Ending Heroes:Prologue )

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Gloombot slowly started walking down the destroyed street,she could still feel the negative emotion of helpless people around her.Well now they would be saved,at least that was she hoped,she slowly started to look around her then she slowly whispered "No humans I see no humans.And where are the enemies?" She was still thinking when she suddenly got a wet kiss on her cheek "Hey!" She blushed and quickly turned looking at Biovine who had a big smile on his face and was waving his long blue hair "Viney! Why do you have to do that before we start a mission?!" Because I don't want to loose you! And it makes me feel save!" She looked down and smiled "But I'm only a machine.." "No you are more then that! You'r..."

He was interrupted by a machine like sound. The two heroes looked up and saw not a man not a machine no a Cyborg.The Cyborg lifted his mechanic hand a shoot a pink energy beam at Biovine .The Hero simply smiled and blocked it with his hand.Then using his super-speed he ran in front of him and grabbed him by the throat. Gloombot screamed "Hey Remember don't kill him!" Biovine punched his face it knocked him out.Vine turned around and saw Gloombot beating three Cyborgs up. "Gloomy! Are you ok!?" "Well yes I'm fine.Its my job!"

The two heroes kept on walking down a destroyed street,they could see dead bodies.broken cars and crumbled building.After ten minutes they finally found some civilians,they where hiding an a broken bus,but when the two heroes arrived they saw them smiling threw the window. Biovine smiled back while Gloombot was analyzing the area.

Biovine waved at some kids when without any warning the bus exploded. The Heroes looked at a half destroyed building they could see about a hundred Cyborgs. Biovine shouted full of anger and hate "You gonna regret this!" He started to glow the green light causes the dust to levitate Gloombot calm but harsh said "Viney calm down pleas! We have orders! No killing!" Viney didn't stop his energy "Ok! But just let me have some fun!"

He flew with super-speed at his enemies and started to fight them.Gloomy looked down and thought "Idiot!". She saw some Cyborgs pointing in front of her.Full of rage he could stop fighting but then he heard a scream! It was Gloomy's voice he quickly turned around and saw Gloombot on the floor surrounded by Cyborgs,by three big and powerful Cyborgs.

He flew quickly there way and started to them kill them. He punched threw the first Cyborgs chest,ripped of the head of the second and shoot a green energy ray threw his stomach. "Don't touch her!" Gloombot stud up and hit his head "God! I told you! I could handle them! Now think what the Doc will say!" Biovine looked on the ground but fast looked back up when he saw that they were surrounded and when he saw the giant space ship flying ten meters in front of them. "Oh My God!" Gloomy shouted.

"Gloomy! Take care of that ship with your Sorrow-ray thing Ill take care of those metal monster!" Gloombot nods and jumped over the Cyborgs in front of the space ship.She activated a mechanism,between her breasts a small red light started to glow. Then a powerful ray shoot out of it "Sorrowray!" This beam was made off all the negative emotion Gloombot installed,the space ship crashed. Viney killed most off the Cyborgs and then walked to Gloombot "Good job!" But out off the space shipe came even more Cyborgs out.These were even faster,Biovine ran fast at them.

After an hour of fighting most of the enemies where dead he looked for Gloomy and saw her on the ground covered in blood "GLOOMY!!!" Biovine shoot the Cyborgs around her with his green beam then he created a force field around her after he picked her up and put her on a nearby skyscraper "You'll be safe here!" He kissed her cheek then quickly turned around and started to glow green and flew really fast at his enemies.

Biovine broke several necks and destroyed even more bodies.The force field he created was almost useless he was tired he couldn't fight any more but he had to! he had to safe and protect Gloomy! He saw some Cyborgs climbing on the building which Gloombot was on. He quickly kicked them down or liquefied them with his plasma attack.He flew back to Gloombot and saw that she was blacked out. He suddenly turn around there was somebody in front of him with a black mask.The mask man shouted loud like a cartoon villain "You love her,don't you? So let me show you the truth!" The masked man stroke his arm threw Vines chest without injuring him he could feel him touching his heart but then he took it out."Do you understand now?" "Yes I do"

Ten Days later at the Factory:

Miss Rink quickly walked in to her bosses office "Sir we have no news from Biovine and about Gloombot.Well shes still in a coma we can't download her memories there is like a virus blocking the whole system! And we found out that the strangers who attacked the former island Queen City was the Cybergengma. " Dr. Kean Pierre Alfred Zorry looked at her and said "Cybergengma? Aren't they all ready dead? And why is this f*king Bio freak not here? Hes is maybe the most powerful Peak-Human he have to be under control! God! Go and put some freaks on this like Wonderkitten and Smilebot!" Miss Rink was still staring at him frighted by the name of the Heroes.The Doc shouted "Now!" "Oh..Oh..Ok!" Rink walked away and shouted in the speakers "Heroes number 45557 and 45558 special mission!".

In one of the 'rooms' was Wonderkitten "Smiley I think we will love this mission!"

To be continued..........

#2 Posted by YoungJustice (6846 posts) - - Show Bio

Nice job, I dig the story.

#3 Posted by GR2Blackout (2564 posts) - - Show Bio

Cool

#4 Posted by poze (225 posts) - - Show Bio

@GR2Blackout: Thank you :)

#5 Posted by poze (225 posts) - - Show Bio

@YoungJustice: Thank you but I don't understand the 'I dig the story' sorry...

#6 Posted by YoungJustice (6846 posts) - - Show Bio

@poze said:

@YoungJustice: Thank you but I don't understand the 'I dig the story' sorry...

It means I like it.

#7 Posted by poze (225 posts) - - Show Bio

@YoungJustice: aw thank you but the story barly started

#8 Posted by TheCannon (18794 posts) - - Show Bio

@YoungJustice said:

Nice job, I dig the story.

@GR2Blackout said:

Cool

#9 Posted by poze (225 posts) - - Show Bio

@TheCannon: Thank you!

#10 Posted by batkevin74 (10806 posts) - - Show Bio

@poze said:

Gloombot slowly started walking down the destroyed street; she could still feel the negative emotion of helpless people around her. She slowly started to look around. "…No humans…nobody…?" She was still in a daze when Biovine planted wet kiss on her cheek. She blushed and turned to face him; he had a big smile on his face and was waving his long blue hair.

"Why do you have to do that? Every mission?"

“Because I don't want to lose you!” replied Biovine “And it makes me feel safe!"

She looked down at her feet "…but I'm only a machine…"

"No! You are more than that! Y…” He was interrupted by a machine like sound. The pair looked up and saw a man sized metal object hurtling down towards them. It lifted its mechanical hands and shot a pink energy beam at Biovine who easily blocked it with his hand. The metal thing hit the ground with an almighty thud. Biovine, using his super-speed he ran up to it grabbed it by the throat and unloaded a barrage of punches into it.

“Don’t kill it!” warned Gloombot as Biovine punched it in the face and it knocked it out.

“Chill!” he said with a confident smile and head swagger “Besides I don’t think it’s responsible for all this,” He dropped the pounded metal man to the floor “If he was, then we’re done!”

They kept on walking through the ravaged city. The streets were uprooted, pockmarked with holes. They could see dead bodies, broken cars and crumbled building. After a slow but steady search they finally found some survivors that were hiding in an overturned bus.

“Help mister!” came the garbled plea from inside the bus.

“Hang on kids” said Biovine giving them a wave to calm their fears as Gloombot analysed the bus’ integrity.

“…gasoline…” muttered Gloombot and as if on cue, the bus exploded in a huge fireball sending both heroes flying backwards!

That's my edit of the first part of your story (didn't have the time or the will to do the whole thing). The idea is there, but you seem to be rushing and leaving out bits. It's good but I think you need to slow down

#11 Posted by poze (225 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: thank you but what do you mean?

#12 Posted by batkevin74 (10806 posts) - - Show Bio

@poze: Okay reread this paragraph of yours: Biovine broke several necks and destroyed even more bodies.The force field he created was almost useless he was tired he couldn't fight any more but he had to! he had to safe and protect Gloomy! He saw some Cyborgs climbing on the building which Gloombot was on. He quickly kicked them down or liquefied them with his plasma attack.He flew back to Gloombot and saw that she was blacked out. He suddenly turn around there was somebody in front of him with a black mask.The mask man shouted loud like a cartoon villain "You love her,don't you? So let me show you the truth!" The masked man stroke his arm threw Vines chest without injuring him he could feel him touching his heart but then he took it out."Do you understand now?" "Yes I do"

A lot happens in it right. But by cramming so much you rush it, it's not a race, take your time.

For example: Bionvine ploughed into the cyborg horde. He smashed his hands, feet, face into them like a human tornado. But still they came; relentless; emotionless, ceaseless. He activated his forcefield to give himself a brief moment of rest.

-Have to protect Gloomy-

He looked over and saw dozens of cyborgs clambering up the building where he'd left her. Biovine inhaled and unleashed his plasma attack, melting those close to him into molten slag. He barged through the horde towards the building, sending cyborgs left and right, up and across as he made his way to her.

-Must protect Gloomy-

Biovine shot up the building at speed, throwing cyborgs away in his wake until he reached Gloombot. She was lying curled up like she was asleep, oblivious to what was going on. Biovine physically breathed a sigh of relief and wiped the sweat from his matted blue hair.

"You love her don't you?"

Biovine whirled around, his hands pulsing with plasma energy. A wirey man in a black and silver mechanized body suit with a black mask stood their watching them. The man cocked his head, seemingly puzzled by them, his fingers twitching like he was playing an invisible piano.

"Who are you?" growled Biovine as he watched the strange man as he began dancing to some unheard tune.

"Let me show you!" and with the the man's arm extended across the room and he grabbed Biovine's chest. A pulse of light blue electricity passed between the two of them as Biovine gasped like he'd been simultaneously winded and scared. The man skipped forward the twenty feet, his arm slowly contracting to normal size as the gap between them closed.

"Do you understand now?" sang the man as he nuzzled in close to Biovine's chest, listening to his chest.

"Yes..." droned Biovine, his will no longer his own.

**

There you go, I just took what you had and paced it out, gave it some detail. That's all. That's what I mean by rushing.

#13 Edited by thespideyguy (2642 posts) - - Show Bio

Looks really good. I "dig it."

#14 Posted by poze (225 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: thank you for the help it was really usefull

#15 Posted by batkevin74 (10806 posts) - - Show Bio

@poze: Just helping out when I can

#16 Posted by poze (225 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: thank you again