#1 Posted by menaceforever (3696 posts) - - Show Bio

Last time on Niki : Hello Niki, I have an assignment

"What is it?"

"A man named Nicholas Page was a hit man for our old friend Meknov. Then, he decided to have children. To sum it up he left and Meknov wants him dead."

" Where does he live"

" 1600 Mayorway Blvd"

" State"

" Washington DC"

" Due"

"Today"

"What the hell did you just say"

" Look, I got tied up in some buisness opportunities"

" I don't give a f*ck you know this is going to take at least a day"

" Well you can always turn it down and leave......."

" F*ck you"

" Your choice"

" Meknov is going to kill both of us if we don't deliver"

" Than you should get going"

"When I come back i am going to slit you're f**king throat"

" Heh...Try it b*tch"

" Mike, I need you to stay calm"

"Why"

"Were going to fly"

She lifted him up with her telekinesis and shot into the sky flying at nearly light speed. In a mere minuet they went from California to Washington DC.

#2 Posted by TheCannon (17893 posts) - - Show Bio
#3 Posted by menaceforever (3696 posts) - - Show Bio

@TheCannon: ha thanks

#4 Posted by GR2Blackout (2564 posts) - - Show Bio

Good story overall. I have some problems with it.

#5 Posted by menaceforever (3696 posts) - - Show Bio

@GR2Blackout: If you tell me i will fix them

#6 Posted by joshmightbe (24598 posts) - - Show Bio

I like it but it is a little short

#7 Posted by menaceforever (3696 posts) - - Show Bio

@joshmightbe: I know i wrote this on my ipad and it seemed longer. Also, i had to take out some parts since they were just full of each other arguing.

#8 Posted by tomdickharry1984 (830 posts) - - Show Bio

Okay, I'm lost!?!? WHo is she stalking to? Seems like shes having a 3way convo but I don't know the peeople are? Niki, her borther and Mike? Its good but a little confusing, well for me anyways

#9 Posted by menaceforever (3696 posts) - - Show Bio

@tomdickharry1984: Mike isnt talking the whole time

#10 Posted by tomdickharry1984 (830 posts) - - Show Bio

Well it isnt very clear! Its good dialoge but I dont know who is doing said dialog

#11 Posted by menaceforever (3696 posts) - - Show Bio

It was direct continuation of the last which had her brother say I have an assignment so in contrast she would be talking to him. Also, Mike is still a kid as you can tell in the first issue where he shakingly asks his mom why does she kill for living

#12 Posted by Project_Worm (3339 posts) - - Show Bio

Very good. But like 84 said it get's a little choppy... I suggest trying to use script format if you plan on having alot of dialogue in a single chunk.

#13 Posted by menaceforever (3696 posts) - - Show Bio

Ok I will take any suggestions

#14 Posted by tomdickharry1984 (830 posts) - - Show Bio

"What is it?" "A man named Nicholas Page was a hit man for our old friend Meknov. Then, he decided to have children. To sum it up he left and Meknov wants him dead." WHo are these people? I ask thisbecause its just dialog, withno direction etc so I get that its two people but don't know who. the sotry is intriguing but I am having a hard time working out who said what and to who.

#15 Posted by menaceforever (3696 posts) - - Show Bio

Ok so I can't tell you exactly who those characters are yet but they will be discussed in more detail in the next issue. It's supposed to leave you wondering like a question that I personally will love to answer in the next issue is who is Mike besides just a son. Let's just say something really important in the story that is involving Mike is happening soon.

#16 Posted by poze (223 posts) - - Show Bio

@menaceforever: did she just kill her brother? I mean flying at near light speed generally kill normal humans.But in other way great I hope you check out my series :)