Re-Imagining Luke Cage #1

Ooh, this is interesting. Looking forward to seeing where this all goes. Minor complaint, some of the characters (like Ox) read like an attempt to force Mr T-style speech. That just stuck out to me and sorta distracted me a bit; I like the touch of making the characters read as different from one another, but maybe work on making the voices sound more natural. Maybe it's just me though, haha.

Weird, for some reason I just thought Ox would talk like that, and now that you mention it, it IS just like Mr. T! Whoa....

:0

Haha, I found this chapter(?) interesting though. Seems like a good start to the series :)

I like that, continue, can u draw some action pieces to join with so we see it alot better

Bump.

Very good,man,everytime I think my stories are becoming great I read one of yours,I LOLed about Mr.T Ox.

@GR2Blackout: Okay. I like the overall premise of this story. I like the origin you have for him, especially since it reminds me of Daredevil (what with the barrels full of toxic waste.) You succeed in grabbing my attention and I begin to wonder why Cage is running and why the Enforcers want him dead.

I do however have some constructive criticism. Please take what I'm about to say with a grain of salt. I'm not trying to hate on you I'd just like to give you a few tips:

In my humble opinion, I think there's too much dialogue and not enough descriptions. What does Cage look like? This is a complete revamp so he could be white for all I know. What's going on around him

Example of detail, what sounds better:

Cage sprinted off like a marathon runner, running as fast as he could, in fact, faster then he could. He shoved garbage cans and bikes out of his way as Ox and Montanna charged after him with fury.

"AAAAH!" Cage tried to stop himself from running straight into the sewers, but couldn't stop himself now. He slipped and slid down the hole.

Or this:

Cage sprinted like a marathon runner. He could feel his heartbeat in his neck. His breath increased and grew heavy as he grew ever faster. Soon his adrenalin started pumping, pushing him past his limit. He shoved aside anything in his way, garbage cans, bikes, and anything that dared to interrupt his path. Nothing would slow him down. From behind him Cage heard Ox and Montana chasing after him with blinding fury. Sweat ran down his brow as he pushed himself further.

Suddenly, Cage spotted an open manhole. He knew this would be trouble and tried in vain to slow down. Only succeeding in tumbling to the ground and falling down the sewer hole. He let out a cry of fear as he slammed into the sewage below.

What one sound better? Attention to detail, see?

My other problem is when Cage is in the sewers and begins talking to himself asking himself about the toxic waste. It doesn't seem like something a normal person would say in this situation. Just something to keep in mind.

Please understand I'm not trying to be and a-hole. I'm simply trying to give my thoughts on how to improve. After all, isn't writing all about getting better? I'm not trying to insult you but please take my advice to heart and try practicing these tips in your next story. I apologize if anything I said insulted you.

@primepower53 said:

@GR2Blackout: Okay. I like the overall premise of this story. I like the origin you have for him, especially since it reminds me of Daredevil (what with the barrels full of toxic waste.) You succeed in grabbing my attention and I begin to wonder why Cage is running and why the Enforcers want him dead.

I do however have some constructive criticism. Please take what I'm about to say with a grain of salt. I'm not trying to hate on you I'd just like to give you a few tips:

In my humble opinion, I think there's too much dialogue and not enough descriptions. What does Cage look like? This is a complete revamp so he could be white for all I know. What's going on around him

Example of detail, what sounds better:

Cage sprinted off like a marathon runner, running as fast as he could, in fact, faster then he could. He shoved garbage cans and bikes out of his way as Ox and Montanna charged after him with fury.

"AAAAH!" Cage tried to stop himself from running straight into the sewers, but couldn't stop himself now. He slipped and slid down the hole.

Or this:

Cage sprinted like a marathon runner. He could feel his heartbeat in his neck. His breath increased and grew heavy as he grew ever faster. Soon his adrenalin started pumping, pushing him past his limit. He shoved aside anything in his way, garbage cans, bikes, and anything that dared to interrupt his path. Nothing would slow him down. From behind him Cage heard Ox and Montana chasing after him with blinding fury. Sweat ran down his brow as he pushed himself further.

Suddenly, Cage spotted an open manhole. He knew this would be trouble and tried in vain to slow down. Only succeeding in tumbling to the ground and falling down the sewer hole. He let out a cry of fear as he slammed into the sewage below.

What one sound better? Attention to detail, see?

My other problem is when Cage is in the sewers and begins talking to himself asking himself about the toxic waste. It doesn't seem like something a normal person would say in this situation. Just something to keep in mind.

Please understand I'm not trying to be and a-hole. I'm simply trying to give my thoughts on how to improve. After all, isn't writing all about getting better? I'm not trying to insult you but please take my advice to heart and try practicing these tips in your next story. I apologize if anything I said insulted you.

Man,don't even think in reading mine then,your critics would last at least a page :P

Nice job though

@deadpoolrules: haha thanks. :P

@primepower53 said:

@deadpoolrules: haha thanks. :P

Ur welcome

@primepower53 said:

@GR2Blackout:

Cage sprinted like a marathon runner. He could feel his heartbeat in his neck. His breath increased and grew heavy as he grew ever faster. Soon his adrenalin started pumping, pushing him past his limit. He shoved aside anything in his way, garbage cans, bikes, and anything that dared to interrupt his path. Nothing would slow him down. From behind him Cage heard Ox and Montana chasing after him with blinding fury. Sweat ran down his brow as he pushed himself further.

Suddenly, Cage spotted an open manhole. He knew this would be trouble and tried in vain to slow down. Only succeeding in tumbling to the ground and falling down the sewer hole. He let out a cry of fear as he slammed into the sewage below.

What one sound better? Attention to detail, see?

The problem here Prime is too much detail. For a well-rounded author no problem but it's Fan-Fic. Too much detail is highly likely to be skimmed over and in some cases missed completely. People are donating small amounts of time to read this, they want plot in a few minutes not a paragraph of a still image in 10. Also, in the description you describe everything, you paint a picture for the audience so much that imagining anything to them is pointless, you'll give it to them anyway...which makes them stop reading as the fun is all gone.

I think I agree in part with CapFanboy, but not entirely. There does seem to be a bit too much detail in Prime's suggested version, but the spirit is there - fleshing out the scene beyond the skeletal, crafting a story rather than sketching one. Writing IS painting a picture with words after all; the real trick is to know how you're going to paint that picture. I'm not sure about CapFanboy, but I tend to read books and books tend to give you everything you need to see what the writer wants you to see and I, at least, still read on anyway because the fun is in the flow of the words, the natures of the characters and the turns within the plot and not in instant plot gratification. I was mostly focusing on dialogue in my earlier comment (I think that's somewhere I could improve, personally), but I think Prime raises a good point.

@darth_brendroid said:

I think I agree in part with CapFanboy, but not entirely. There does seem to be a bit too much detail in Prime's suggested version, but the spirit is there - fleshing out the scene beyond the skeletal, crafting a story rather than sketching one. Writing IS painting a picture with words after all; the real trick is to know how you're going to paint that picture. I'm not sure about CapFanboy, but I tend to read books and books tend to give you everything you need to see what the writer wants you to see and I, at least, still read on anyway because the fun is in the flow of the words, the natures of the characters and the turns within the plot and not in instant plot gratification. I was mostly focusing on dialogue in my earlier comment (I think that's somewhere I could improve, personally), but I think Prime raises a good point.

This

Its a mr T fan-fic, with T as a minor character. :)

@tomdickharry1984 said:

Its a mr T fan-fic, with T as a minor character. :)

LOL