#1 Edited by Pyrogram (38375 posts) - - Show Bio

-

“What am I doing...There has to be more to life than this...flipping burgers in NY, what a dream” Stark thought to himself as he stared into nothingness.

“TONY! Get those bloody burgers ready!” Mr Andrigo, Tony Stark’s superior shouted at him.

Tony flipped the burgers tediously and thought to himself, “When is it my turn to take a bite from the big apple...” - “Heck, I am the best damn cook in this place; God knows how many things I have fixed for Andrigo and all I get is a pay cut..”

Tony stumbled for a few moments holding his head in pain, “This headache, I need some painkillers”, Opening the draw and grabbing the cheap first aid kit Tony picked up the painkillers , he swallowed three without hesitation “ahhh…Much better” Tony closed his eyes and felt a tingling in his spine – “Drugs make everything better”

“TONY! Hurry up, I am running a business here!” Andrigo screamed without patience.

Starks eyes shifted to the window at the end of the kitchen, “Who is that….?” He thought to himself, Tony started walking towards the window and peered through it, a dark man in a worn brown suit exchange a suspicious letter to a man who was just out of view apart from his hands, The Dark man quickly met Tonys stare, tony stumbled backwards in a rush and tripped over falling onto Mr Andrigo.

“S..Sorry, I was just –“He was interrupted.

“I don’t care why you’re sorry, just clean this mess up and get on with your job, your nothing more than a cook in a burger joint – Don’t forget that” Mr Andrigo triumphantly left the kitchen.

Disheartened, Stark looked down onto the tiled floor and thought about his life so far.

He looked at the window to be terrified by the dark man staring at him. Stark gasped and it was like time had frozen, he could not move out of shock. The man turned around and walked away. Stark began to get ready to leave work with his hands shaking; he grabbed his stuff and left the kitchen.

What a day” He thought to himself while opening his cars door. Stark got into the car and started the engine, the car engine bellowed out a cranky noise, the car must be busted,” Again...Darn it!” He got out of the car and lifted open the bonnet – A load of brown smoke engulfed him, Coughing with his eyes watering he backed away , he felt lightheaded. Tony began trying to get a handhold as the world spun around him, or was he spinning? The world slowly faded away…

-

“Tony stark, 22, possibly carrying the power of Precognition or clairvoyance…Powers have not been unlocked yet” Muttered 2 men who watched over stark

“What’s happening? Who are you?” Tony spoke with fear

“My name is T’challa, This is Doctor Okonkwo, We think you have a power."

Dr Okonkwo swiftly hit T’challa on the chest “Enough, no need to tell him yet”

The Doctor walked out leaving T’challa starring at Stark, He slowly walked closer to him while feeling his own knuckles. “I want your power. I will get your power.” He spoke in a hungry tone.

“Please, I don’t know anything about a power! I am not special – “T’challa quickly cut him off

“On the contrary, you are VERY special – Your blood contains the abilities to find a way out of any situation, any trouble, the problem is – Your own negativity has blocked this gift. We searched your working quarters in that Burger bar, it seems you’re very addicted to painkillers, why is this?”

“Just headaches, Sometimes it feels like my head is going to explode, the painkillers make it feel better. Even if I have to take more than allowed.”

“Interesting, you have been masking your body’s suffering of not using your powers with painkillers, very interesting. – I will not make such a mistake” T’challa smiled, his eyes widened with anticipation.

Continued in part 2.

Any questions ask :)

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#2 Posted by cbishop (8213 posts) - - Show Bio

Needs editing, but interesting take.

#3 Edited by Pyrogram (38375 posts) - - Show Bio

@cbishop: *Nods* thanks , and I agree with the editing.

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#4 Posted by TheCannon (18723 posts) - - Show Bio

@Pyrogram: Awesome story!

#5 Posted by TheAcidSkull (18032 posts) - - Show Bio

This is F*cking amazing! can't wait for the next one ^__^

#6 Posted by Pyrogram (38375 posts) - - Show Bio

@TheAcidSkull: *shakes hand* thankkkkss!

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#7 Posted by xxxddd (3572 posts) - - Show Bio

@Pyrogram:NICE.

#8 Posted by Pyrogram (38375 posts) - - Show Bio

@xxxddd: Thanks :D

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#9 Posted by kiss_lamia (1247 posts) - - Show Bio

@Pyrogram: Cool but maybe work on structuring your paragraph's a little bit more. :)

#10 Posted by Pyrogram (38375 posts) - - Show Bio

@kiss_lamia said:

@Pyrogram: Cool but maybe work on structuring your paragraph's a little bit more. :)

Thank you :P And what do you mean? I thought I did the paras ok, its not written like a novel remember ^_^

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#11 Posted by kiss_lamia (1247 posts) - - Show Bio

@Pyrogram: Hmm maybe im used to that, you seem to have done it more in script format. lol

#12 Posted by Pyrogram (38375 posts) - - Show Bio

@kiss_lamia: kk :P, I appreciate the feedback though :)

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#13 Posted by batkevin74 (10793 posts) - - Show Bio

@Pyrogram said:

-What am I doing?! There has to be more to life than this...flipping burgers in New York, what a dream!- Stark thought to himself as he stared into nothingness.

“TONY! Get those bloody burgers ready!” Mr Andrigo, Tony Stark’s superior shouted at him. Tony flipped the burgers tediously

-When is it my turn to take a bite from the big apple? I am the best damn cook in this place; God knows how many things I have fixed for Andrigo and all I get is a pay cut!”

Tony stumbled for a few moments holding his head in pain, as the grill sizzled away.

-This headache!, I need some…- He threw open a draw and grabbing the cheap first aid kit, diving straight for the painkillers he swallowed three without hesitation

-Ahh! Much better-

Tony closed his eyes and felt a tingling in his spine.

-Drugs make everything bett…-

“TONY!”Andrigo screamed without patience “Hurry up! I am running a business here!”

That's a minor edit of the first part of what you've got. It's good, bit unsure of what you're setting up but it's okay.

Minor gripe: Two men walk into a bar, not 2 men. It's fan fiction, not number time :) It's just me but numbers in a story get written as words; ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three , two an one hundred! So Tony's age is twenty-two, he lives at three slash seventeen New York Lane, he has five girlfriends etc.

And;

Starks eyes shifted to the window at the end of the kitchen, “Who is that….?” He thought to himself, Tony started walking towards the window and peered through it, a dark man in a worn brown suit exchange a suspicious letter to a man who was just out of view apart from his hands, The Dark man quickly met Tonys stare, tony stumbled backwards in a rush and tripped over falling onto Mr Andrigo.

“S..Sorry, I was just –“He was interrupted.

“I don’t care why you’re sorry, just clean this mess up and get on with your job, your nothing more than a cook in a burger joint – Don’t forget that” Mr Andrigo triumphantly left the kitchen.

Disheartened, Stark looked down onto the tiled floor and thought about his life so far.

He looked at the window to be terrified by the dark man staring at him. Stark gasped and it was like time had frozen, he could not move out of shock. The man turned around and walked away. Stark began to get ready to leave work with his hands shaking; he grabbed his stuff and left the kitchen.

What a day” He thought to himself while opening his cars door. Stark got into the car and started the engine, the car engine bellowed out a cranky noise, the car must be busted,” Again...Darn it!” He got out of the car and lifted open the bonnet – A load of brown smoke engulfed him, Coughing with his eyes watering he backed away , he felt lightheaded. Tony began trying to get a handhold as the world spun around him, or was he spinning? The world slowly faded away…

I get what you're trying to do here, but it doesn't read well.

But the idea of a psychic Tony Stark is kinda cool, let's see what you got next!

#14 Posted by Pyrogram (38375 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: You and your number gripes xD Thanks for the input man, seriously! :D As usual, want me to feedback any of yours specifically?

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#15 Posted by batkevin74 (10793 posts) - - Show Bio
#16 Posted by Pyrogram (38375 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: will do :D

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#17 Posted by Pyrogram (38375 posts) - - Show Bio

You said you wanted to see black panther, he is in this a little :D

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#18 Posted by lykopis (10746 posts) - - Show Bio

Well, well --- you have me hooked but I do have a question?

Where is part two? Hmm?

#19 Edited by Mediumflyer7 (296 posts) - - Show Bio

I haven't fully read it until now, only skimmed through it. If its okay if basically given you a review: I think this is an interesting approach and I am intrigued to see what happens next. There are a few small errors that slightly knock the reading for example "T’challa starring at Stark, He slowly". Something as little as forgetting a full stop can have an effect (in my opinion anyway). Ignoring the small and non important errors I think you have a good plot here. I found the concept of Tony having powers interesting. One thing I am crossed between liking and not liking, is the fact that iron man has ha completely different origin story, power and personality although it does make an interesting read. At the beginning of scene 2, the doctor said about Ironman having different powers and I was hoping he might have iron related powers but I'm fine with the powers he has. The book cuts to the chase and is the right length which is great. In upcoming issues I think you should establish more details about this new tony. Can't wait to read #2. Consider me hooked!

#20 Posted by 4donkeyjohnson (1673 posts) - - Show Bio

So Tony Stark is Charles Xavier, T'Challa is a cosmic entity...interesting premise. Nothing really to add about spelling, paragraphs etc as it has already been said by those above. Good work

#21 Posted by Pyrogram (38375 posts) - - Show Bio

@lykopis said:

Well, well --- you have me hooked but I do have a question?

Where is part two? Hmm?

Today :) Will link you to it :P

@Mediumflyer7 said:

I haven't fully read it until now, only skimmed through it. If its okay if basically given you a review: I think this is an interesting approach and I am intrigued to see what happens next. There are a few small errors that slightly knock the reading for example "T’challa starring at Stark, He slowly". Something as little as forgetting a full stop can have an effect (in my opinion anyway). Ignoring the small and non important errors I think you have a good plot here. I found the concept of Tony having powers interesting. One thing I am crossed between liking and not liking, is the fact that iron man has ha completely different origin story, power and personality although it does make an interesting read. At the beginning of scene 2, the doctor said about Ironman having different powers and I was hoping he might have iron related powers but I'm fine with the powers he has. The book cuts to the chase and is the right length which is great. In upcoming issues I think you should establish more details about this new tony. Can't wait to read #2. Consider me hooked!

Marvel Re-Imagined. Hence the Re-Imaging :P Thanks! I think by your standards I re-imagined him tooo well! Lol! thanks again for the epic feedback :)

@4donkeyjohnson said:

So Tony Stark is Charles Xavier, T'Challa is a cosmic entity...interesting premise. Nothing really to add about spelling, paragraphs etc as it has already been said by those above. Good work

Stark does not have Xaviers powers xD T'challa is a normal human , what gave you any other idea :P

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#22 Posted by 4donkeyjohnson (1673 posts) - - Show Bio

This "possibly carrying the power of Precognition or clairvoyance…Powers have not been unlocked yet"

#23 Posted by Pyrogram (38375 posts) - - Show Bio

@4donkeyjohnson: Ohh ok, I get you :)

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#24 Posted by YoungJustice (6841 posts) - - Show Bio

Cool, it is something that you have to keep going to because of unanswered questions :)

#25 Posted by GodDamnIronMan (1553 posts) - - Show Bio

@Pyrogram:

So Stark's cognitive system is pre-programmed to handle any situation? sounds more like a Sixth Sense...

Liked it btw, waiting for Part 2

#26 Posted by Pyrogram (38375 posts) - - Show Bio

@YoungJustice said:

Cool, it is something that you have to keep going to because of unanswered questions :)

Planning to!

@GodDamnIronMan said:

@Pyrogram:

So Stark's cognitive system is pre-programmed to handle any situation? sounds more like a Sixth Sense...

Liked it btw, waiting for Part 2

Not any situation, you will find out soon enough :) It's not like spider sense at all btw xD

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#27 Posted by gamernerd18 (3 posts) - - Show Bio

I really liked it.

#28 Posted by Pyrogram (38375 posts) - - Show Bio

@gamernerd18: thanks man

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#29 Posted by Frenemy (1240 posts) - - Show Bio

@Pyrogram: @lykopis said:

Well, well --- you have me hooked but I do have a question?

Where is part two? Hmm?

Pretty much what Sera said :p

Nice work so far!

#30 Posted by Pyrogram (38375 posts) - - Show Bio

@Frenemy: Thanks!

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#31 Posted by deadpoolrules (4683 posts) - - Show Bio

GREAT!!!!!!

#32 Posted by Pyrogram (38375 posts) - - Show Bio

Part 2 soon!!!

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