Phoenix the Re-awakening: part 1

It all starts with adult cyclops almost dying for the millionth time......Triage is in a coma, and there is no other healer available.

"We cant let him die" says teen jean grey, "I wont let it happen". Jean remembers when her best friend Annie Richardson died and jean thinks she could never watch another friend die(tears falling down her face). Jean now uses the phoenix force to heal him but jean grey sees something dark in him. Its something evil called the void. Jean grey touches the black box and the void goes in her. She turns to pink so the void cant hurt her and cant control her. She has to stay in the pink for awhile.

Several days later.....While training with Emma Frost, Emma asked " Where is the void in your mind, Jean dear. Jean searches her mind and sees something she never seen before. A gold door with the symbol of the phoenix on it. The void went inside but jean can read a warning on the door that goes something like " whoever goes through the door and goes to the last level(there are three levels), will get the power of the phoenix" Those who fail "die in the real world too." The void fails and is perished once and for all. "I think we should try the phoenix trials of the mind to find out the secrets of the phoenix once and for all" Jean announced proudly. Emma had a stern look on her face.

To be continue, if people like it.........

to short

Insert inappropriate joke about "in the pink" here.

@the_goddess_of_chaos: You should write more.

@dngn4774: Thank you. I hope it wasnt too short

@the_goddess_of_chaos: Kind of but we all have to start somewhere. I no it's hard especially when you're new but don't give up. The more you write the better you'll become, like any other skill experience and time will refine your work.

OK Thanks :)

I'll be honest, it's not great.

The premise is...fine, I guess. I mean, it could really do with some improvement, but if you had worked on it a little harder I think you could have an interesting beginning to a story.

The real issue is your writing. You're telling us things instead of showing them, and you're not even telling us enough ('Triage is in a coma' was extremely dismissive and, I'll be frank, absolutely killed my hopes for the rest of the story; at least tell us why he's in a coma, or tell us why you won't be telling us).

You don't explain your terminology (wtf is the pink, anyways?), you're dismissive of events in your own story (how are we supposed to take things seriously if you don't?), you use tired cliches all over the place (if you die in x you die for real is like the oldest, most tired cliche thing I can think of off the top of my head), you give characters (well, Jean) powers without explaining why she has them in the first place (since when can she turn into colours?), you use words improperly (perished doesn't mean what you seem to think it means, try vanquished or conquered instead), and I'm not even going to go into how bad your formatting, grammar and punctuation are.

In conclusion, it needs a lot of work, but you have an idea that could potentially lead to something at least mildly interesting if written properly, and the only way to get better at writing is to write (so you're already taking steps in the right direction). The best advice I can give you is to look at the posts of some of the other people on the RP forums here- there's some pretty talented writers.