#1 Posted by Acer (14412 posts) - - Show Bio

Rating: 18-21
Yeah my first fan-fic please enjoy if you have any tips for me on how i can improve im open to your opinions but please keep any criticism constructed criticism thank you.
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Chapter 1: Awakening
The sweat began to drip from his body flowing like rain drops down the window pane on a stormy winters night outside the thunder cracked and echoed the ear drums of the lonely boy lightning came down from the heavens thick and fast lighting up the darkness as it fell a force of nature to be afraid of but to him it was a calming presence like a mother he never had the sun would shine when she was happy and the winds would howl when she was sad and today she was rage and sorrow as the rain drops and hail stones danced upon the clear windows the stones like bullets from a gun rapidly striking the thin glass but never penetrating it. Like the wolf on the full moon the wind howled like a chained and frightened beast whipping as it moved and danced the air outside was cold frost began to form over the window like a disease spreading like wildfire through the body.

The room around him was chilled the air as frosty as snow like a deep freeze but he was not cold or chilled to the bone quite the opposite his body like a raging furnace was hot his breathing gradually got more heavy as if each breath would be the last he would ever make. The sweat that formed like skin over a scab was picking up and it was not just his pale face that was flowing a river but his entire body now drenched in his own body fluids the quilt on which he slept on now soaked through damp his body hot while the room around him stayed chilled yet his body shivered it was a strange feeling being so hot yet feeling so cold and lonely never crying about the misery of your miserable life because your tears like the winds of time have faded into a void and in time sadness turned to anger and anger turned into loneliness and all that would lead to death and tragedy and then he began to wake up.

Every night when his eyes closed and the world around him turned to darkness is when the nightmares came like f*cking haunting spirits screaming like a b!tching little kid in his ear crying for his mother to come and save him and they turned his world to pure darkness as they melded his broken mind into death casting there shadows over his torn and shattered heart gripping at his soul slowly changing him into nothing more than a beast of hate like a wild and untamed animal he hated it all he feared it and he spat at it only anger fuelled his need to kill but he wanted the nightmares to end he screamed for them to go away but the demons laughed back at him as his world became nothing more than darkness. His eyes slowly began to open they were heavy as if being held down by weights of his misery and those weights were heavy. The room was still dark only the light of the half moon could be seen in such a dark world to bad that moon didn’t light up his own darkness. Peeling away the layers of blankets he moved his feet until they touched the ground the chill from the hard wood floor travelled through his body moving as freely as the blood that circulated through the veins.

Only a few seconds passed before the chill disappeared like a echo fading and dissolving into the air and then just as quickly it was replaced by that rage of heat and then BANG BANG BANG three large heavy knocks like the thunder that still boomed outside vibrated around the room 5 seconds passed before a voice so pure and sweet like a angel was speaking “Daniel its time for your appointment” her voice was like a harp so soothing and tender and it if only for a moment he felt free and for that  one moment the darkness of the demon was replaced with the light of an angel. Her foot steps could be heard walking away from the room each step she took was quieter than the last. Daniel undressed himself his gown gently fell from his body standing there sweat still dripping he checked the time right on schedule he thought 5:00am the time when the nightmares would wake him up and she would come knocking at his door. Daniel with bowed head got into the shower as the water washed away the filth of his body never once did his head raise from looking down not once did his eyes shift. Daniel got out of the shower and got dressed as he opened his door a large creaking noise came from the door as he began his walk down the long hallway he came to a door stopping and pausing for a few moments he took three deep breaths before entering the room and there she was Amber Price her hazel nut hair swayed  as she moved towards him signalling him to take a seat her eyes as blue as the sky on a clear summers day was as beautiful as a million exploding stars he felt lost around her yet so free nervous yet calm as she took a seat she looked at him “Hello Daniel how are we feeling today” her voice as always was calm he looked at her with heavy breathing finding it hard to speak to her “The nightmares are still there please make them go away” Daniel spoke with fear was it his love for her that he spoke with such despair or was it the nightmares that still plagued his mind. “I will help you Daniel but I need you to tell me your greatest nightmares”      

#2 Posted by Obi Wan Kenobi! (27638 posts) - - Show Bio

Nice job, Acer! great writing...nice descriptions

it's pretty scary...lol

#3 Posted by Acer (14412 posts) - - Show Bio

Thanks Obi im happy you enjoyed it.

#4 Posted by Kurrent (14061 posts) - - Show Bio

Nice man!!!!!!!!!

#5 Posted by Obi Wan Kenobi! (27638 posts) - - Show Bio
Acer said:
"Thanks Obi im happy you enjoyed it."
keep it up...hope you continue wit this one...
#6 Posted by Acer (14412 posts) - - Show Bio

Thanks finally thought i would actually write one.

#7 Posted by Acer (14412 posts) - - Show Bio
Obi Wan Kenobi! said:
"Acer said:
"Thanks Obi im happy you enjoyed it."
keep it up...hope you continue wit this one...
"
I plan to im gonna start the next part as soon as i get up tomorrow. I also have others im planning
#8 Posted by Obi Wan Kenobi! (27638 posts) - - Show Bio

cool, i'll forward to it...

#9 Posted by Acer (14412 posts) - - Show Bio

Flash Back 1: Screams Of Silence

Complete silence laid its bed across the city as darkness wrapped its arms over each house every road and hugged every single person but like the changes in the weather so to does darkness change to light as the sun like a phoenix from the ashes began to rise its bright gaze of illustrious beauty forced any and all traces of darkness to disappear into state nothingness fading away evaporating like rain water. The large chiming of the bell rang around the city from the local church as if god’s personal alarm clock was telling all the sleeping beauties to wake up. The sound of the bell vibrated around his ear drums his mind slowly began to wake as his eyes opened gazing at the world around him the air was frosty a white chilled mist exited his mouth with every breath he took. Daniel lifted his head from his hand looking at all the Christmas decorations that sprinkled themselves around the city raising his body from the hard concrete floor the dirty blanket slid from his body and laid on the ground staying to his feet.

It had been just over 2 years since it happened and since that day life had gradually become worse for the young boy ten years old and forced to live on the streets with only a blanket for warmth and comfort forcing yourself to f8cking beg to strangers like a stray dog because that’s the only chance you have for food the only way to survive is by begging to the @$$holes of this b@stard world all of them thinking there better than you  because there clothes are tagged at a higher price than yours because they smell like god damn roses while you smell of rotten sh!t. Daniel began to walk down the street just as the people were waking up and going to work the posters in the shops telling of all the sales before Christmas the minutes passed away and more and more people began to walk around the cold streets the roads and pavements covered in ice people dressed in warm clothing moving slowly just not to slip and fall and break a bone and no one would help him not even others like him would take him in he was a burden to all a lonely boy with no future.

Daniel had no where to go like a wild and passionate wind he had no home always travelling never staying in the same place twice and he had stayed in this sh!thole long enough walking down the path the people kept knocking into him like he was a ghost floating by not being seen by the people of a world filled with guilt and betray. Daniel continued walking until he came to a dirt dusted back road the road was covered in a sandy like substance no cars or people were no where to be found the old houses creaked when the wind hit them farm equipment could be seen everywhere. Daniel began to walk down this long pathway the bushes were as dead as the dinosaurs that waked the earth long ago. The hours passed by each step he took every breath that left his mouth made him more and more tired in body and mind. Daniel then stopped for a minute a smell of pure bliss entered his senses sending him to a paradise when he noticed the pie sitting in a nearby farmhouse window.

He knew it was a risk to steal that pie but he was so hungry he had not eating in three whole days his stomach rumbled like a earthquake was forming itself in his belly. He had to have it at the moment this pie was more important than love he had to have it. Daniel looked around there was no sign of life anywhere he checked the house but couldn’t see anyone. Daniel began climb over the fence and ran to the pie he got to it the smell was better than the look of a beautiful angel he raised his hands to the pie when total darkness. Daniel woke up his head was pounding placing his hand to his head he felt a sticky substance it was his own blood and by the feel of it he would have been out for a few hours the room was pitch black it smelled like the foulest pits of hell the smell of heavenly pie was now replaced with what can only be described as rotten flesh. The room was cold and stale he felt scared and lost he didn’t know what to do where was he tears streamed down his face he missed his parents missed the warmth he missed being loved shivering he curled himself into a ball when he remembered he had some matches in his pocket.

Taking the match he struck it but the cold air and slight draft would not let the flame to rise his hand kept shaking he was so scared he kept striking the matches one by one they faded away until he finally got one and when the small flame lit up the room what he saw would scar him for life. Cold dead eyes stared back at him lifeless souls floated around his essence as he noticed he was in a place full of dead bodies laying in the room there flesh rotten away the smell foul bones laid across the floor the room was filled with bodies water dripped from a nearby pipe he wanted to scream but fear would not allow him. Looking around he noticed a girl in the corner eating what looked like the flesh of a nearby person she was naked her body was frail and beating she looked just as dead as the others but she was breathing her eyes gazed upon Daniel but she didn’t speak she cowered in a ball she was scared like he was and by her looks her age was near to his walking towards her he sat by her side and wrapped his hands around her he had no clue why he was doing this but she needed comforting and she fell a sleep he didn’t know her or love her but he knew he had to wrap his arms around her they where both lost and they needed each other.

The weeks passed by and Daniel had resorted to eating the rotten flesh he had no choice it was the only way he could survive it had become instinct to survive during that time he found out by the girl who had told him her name was Abigail that they where kidnapped by a family of killers that took people from the streets and forced them to starve to death because god told them to f8cking religion never did anything good in those weeks Daniel had formed a close bond to Abigail he had strange feelings for her and he didn’t know what they where he was scared and enjoyed by them. Christmas was here and while others were eating turkey and potatoes there he was with a human leg chewing on it like the animal he had become. All of a sudden a door creaked open as a light came on its brightness was terrible it hurt his eyes as large footsteps came down the steps a large man could be seen covered in blood “Who are you where am I what the f8ck is this place” Daniel spoke trying to act as brave as possible but he couldn’t be more scared he shivered with every word. “You and your b!tch are dinner” The man went to grab Daniel he was weak and fragile but he mustered up the strength to get away running up the stairs he ran through the house when he heard her scream “DON’T LEAVE ME PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME AHHHHHHH” the tears fell down his face as he kept running he had to leave her it was survival he left her to die and he was so scared but he had to do it survival his mind kept saying weak kept running for 30 minutes until he couldn’t take it any longer tired and so alone he came to a church and went inside no one around he laid on one of the benches and closed his eyes as the nightmares came as the voices of the dead shouted the screams of silence where here and they would never go away      

#10 Posted by Obi Wan Kenobi! (27638 posts) - - Show Bio
O_O sh!t man, you got one twisted imagination....now everytime i eat pie ima imagine dead bodies and sh!t...

I love it! love it love it! great writing, man...can't wait till your next part....
#11 Posted by Acer (14412 posts) - - Show Bio

lmao but they were tasty dead bodies. Thanx man ima start the next part a little bit later

#12 Posted by Lillya WildChild (5347 posts) - - Show Bio

The sweat began to drip from his body flowing like rain drops down the window pane on a stormy winters night outside the thunder cracked and echoed the ear drums of the lonely boy lightning came down from the heavens thick and fast lighting up the darkness as it fell a force of nature to be afraid of but to him it was a calming presence like a mother he never had the sun would shine when she was happy and the winds would howl when she was sad and today she was rage and sorrow as the rain drops and hail stones danced upon the clear windows the stones like bullets from a gun rapidly striking the thin glass but never penetrating it.


ok acer, i read most of it, but..i found one thing within this part that made it hard for me to read, you do have a great way with words, but there aint any comma's or . . . or even just one . it just goes on and on. the way to help that, is when the thought shifes, like 'stormy winters night. outside..." it helps for me to understand the meaning of it.

#13 Posted by Acer (14412 posts) - - Show Bio
Lillya WildChild said:
"The sweat began to drip from his body flowing like rain drops down the window pane on a stormy winters night outside the thunder cracked and echoed the ear drums of the lonely boy lightning came down from the heavens thick and fast lighting up the darkness as it fell a force of nature to be afraid of but to him it was a calming presence like a mother he never had the sun would shine when she was happy and the winds would howl when she was sad and today she was rage and sorrow as the rain drops and hail stones danced upon the clear windows the stones like bullets from a gun rapidly striking the thin glass but never penetrating it.


ok acer, i read most of it, but..i found one thing within this part that made it hard for me to read, you do have a great way with words, but there aint any comma's or . . . or even just one . it just goes on and on. the way to help that, is when the thought shifes, like 'stormy winters night. outside..." it helps for me to understand the meaning of it. "
Alright thanks for the advice i forget to do that ive been writing them at late night/early morning times so things like that slip my mind but ill take that into account on the next part.
#14 Posted by Lillya WildChild (5347 posts) - - Show Bio

here is a helpful hint. it is what i do when im writing a post in my fanfic. I dont just type, I read the story as it unfolds onto the screen. I let my mind take a book format, and i just go, i start with one word, and from there i dont even notice im typing, i just let it unfold before my eyes. (expet when i miss spell, which i do alot) word for word, sentces are just there. idk, you just..the more you work at it, the better you will be. ^^ i promise. Keep up the great work!

#15 Posted by Acer (14412 posts) - - Show Bio

Thanx i have others im thinking up.

#16 Posted by TheDrifter (26555 posts) - - Show Bio
Lillya WildChild said:
"here is a helpful hint. it is what i do when im writing a post in my fanfic. I dont just type, I read the story as it unfolds onto the screen. I let my mind take a book format, and i just go, i start with one word, and from there i dont even notice im typing, i just let it unfold before my eyes. (expet when i miss spell, which i do alot) word for word, sentces are just there. idk, you just..the more you work at it, the better you will be. ^^ i promise. Keep up the great work!"

Wow. Cool advice Lil.
#17 Posted by Suigetsu (1720 posts) - - Show Bio

you freaked me out man.