Most Amazing thing ever!!! Read until end!!! SUBMISSION!!!

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AmazingFantasy15

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#1  Edited By AmazingFantasy15

Hi everyone, as the title suggests I am writing a submission for a comic book publisher where you have to write a four page script. I could really use some feedback please? (P.S this is a science fiction story though it isn't clear at first).

Characters

The family are wearing thick coats and other winter clothes

Father-tall, quite thin with glasses, quite strong jaw, dark brown hair and beard and broad shoulders

Mother-medium height, long blonde hair, hour glass figure, thin

Connor-Average height and build, light brown hair, about ten years old

Rebecca-Quite small, quite large eyes, dark brown hair tied in a pony tail, she is about seven years old

Police officer-middle aged, greying hair, quite wrinkly and medium build

Page 1

Panel 1: Text box:

‘A young family have gone on their Christmas holiday in Scottish cottage. They are an hour away from the nearest town’

Picturesque view of the classic two story cottage with a mountain range running behind it, with trees dotted around, even more along the base of the mountains, and in the background the family can be seen hiking up the mountain, among the trees. There is a thick layer of snow.

Panel 2: Wide shot showing the children running around, laughing, ahead of their parents, the parents and children facing the shot

Panel 3: The medium shot shows the children running around a thick cluster of trees, the parents out of sight

Panel 4: A medium shot Rebecca has run ahead, laughing and looking back at her brother, unaware of the hole nestled in the snow and leaves a step or two away, the shot comes from behind Connor

Panel 5: A medium wide shot Rebecca is about to fall into the hole, she has just turned and sees the hole, her eyes filled with shock and terror, the shot comes from the hole below

Page 2

Panel 1: A medium shot shows Connor had caught up and grabbed the back of her coat, stopping her fall; the panel shot faces the two from the left

Panel 2: A medium shot shows Connor pulled her back and she is hugging him, crying into his coat

Panel 3: A wide shot shows Rebecca backed away in fear of the hole, not wanting to slip and fall. A text box says:

‘He doesn’t want her to leave scared so he is going to show there is nothing to fear.’

Connor is walking around the whole to the other side, he says:

“Don’t worry Reb, there’s nothing to fear.”

She, upset, replies:

“Connor just come over here!”

Panel 4: A medium shot shows on the opposite side of the hole the ground below Connor’s feet breaks away, he is looking down in surprise, saying:

“Rebecca its f-”

The shot shows Connor from the front with Rebecca standing to the left of the shot opposite Connor

Panel 5: Connor falls through the hole, the shot is a wide shot of the space in the whole. It’s massive and very high with a rushing river below. Connor is shown falling from the top of the panel, the surface not shown. Half way down below Connor there is a very faint, small red blur, barely there.

Panel 6: Shot from above Rebecca, she is lying at the edge of the hole, reaching down, screaming. Passed her in the hole there is Connor disappearing half way down in a red flash of light.

Page 3

Panel 1: The medium shot comes from just behind Connor, he is surrounded by a burning red energy. He is reaching out to his sister who can be seen through a hole resembling a tear in all the red which in the panel is far away so very small. Connor is screaming.

Panel 2: A text box of another colour says:

“Are...those me?”

A wide shot from Connor’s left, he’s still falling and screaming. Dotted around him are other tears in the space, one shows an older version of him kissing a blonde man. Another shows an older him arguing loudly with and older version of his sister and another shows a blurred image of a man in all red not visibly standing on anything. There is others but they aren’t clearly seen.

Panel 3: A wide bird’s eye view shot of him falling, showing another large tear below him that he is falling into

Page 4

Panel 1: A close up shot, in a faint flash of red he is at the foot of the mountain, it is night and he is huddled into a ball. There is no clear view of his face, the panel shot shows him from the front.

Panel 2: The medium shot comes from behind Connor, he looks up to see the cottage through the trees with police cars out front, siren lights on, his parents and a police officer are standing in front of the cottage.

Panel 3: In the same shot as the last panel he got up and is walking to the cottage, walking as if dazed; he is shrouded in the darkness, the panel shot shows him from behind

Panel 4: The parents are talking to a police officer in front of the house with Connor emerging from the dark forest, though he can’t be clearly seen, in the background. The mother is facing (really upset) the police officer while the father on her left turns his head towards Connor. The panel view comes from the parents’ right showing them and the police officer up close.

Panel 5: The parents run to Connor who is in shock and his skin and clothes are burnt. His mother says:

“Connor! Thank god!”

The father says:

“Connor, what happened?”

The medium shot shows Connor from the front and the parents from behind.

Panel 6: the entire panel shows one of the tears in the wormhole which shows Connor, hunched over, crying. He is covered in cuts and bruises with blood stains on his clothes which don’t seem to come from any cuts. His hands are clenched and are faintly glowing red. (Edit) It appears that he has hurt someone with some unknown power radiating from his hands.

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AmazingFantasy15

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Anyone? I could really use some feedback, even just saying if you liked it or not would be helpful.

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actionman6

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Great!

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actionman6

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AmazingFantasy15

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RichGenX

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I shall give you some constructive advice. It does look good, however when writing a script, you also have to keep in mind the panel sizes and positions on the pages. I learned that years ago, when I tried to help another guy as script writer.

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4donkeyjohnson

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Hmmmmm its okay, certainly not the most amazing thing ever though

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batkevin74

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@amazingfantasy15: I didn't get it. Did I miss something? It's well written but...is there a twist that I missed?

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#9  Edited By AmazingFantasy15

@batkevin74: The twist is he saw a vision of the near future where he has someone else's blood on him, he's very upset and his hands are glowing. The implication is he has some kind of power that he's intentionally or unintentionally hurt someone with. I realize now that isn't clear so edited it.

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