#1 Posted by DickGrayson (330 posts) - - Show Bio

Hank laid in bed, staring out the window to see the moon. Tonight would have to do without YellowJacket. Hank had a meeting the next morning, a very important one. The thought of a micro prison was incredible, but the thing was, Hank wanted to "borrow it". Well, that is if it worked. It seemed he set aside Jan. In his thoughts, he now knew she was done with him, and decided he would move on as well. Had too...

***

"Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen!" An announcer spoke on the stage, looking down at all of the coworkers. "Today, we will be testing the Micro Prison." He added, with cheers following. Hank watched, with his brow raised as two doors opened, with police guiding two prisoners onto the stage.

"Ready the machine." The announcer spoke. He would be rich after this, as if he wasn't already. His name was "Thomas Drake". A man of old age and intelligence. Another lab coated man readied a cannon like machine. Hank's eyes widened as he saw the machine slowly turning towards the prisoners screaming in fear, they looked at it as if it would have killed them, as if they would die in there. Hank would be fine with that, he was the more violent, gruesome, worker of them all. Not that he exposed it in broad day light, but at night, once YellowJacket was unleashed. Hank just hoped something wouldn't go wrong, and that in the next couple of minutes him and everyone in the room would be in the prison, or possible the whole world. The rumor was it was a different universe.

"Zaaappp!"

The sound was loud, and the prisoners began to glow yellow, shrinking, shrinking down into the micro-verse. Everyone clapped for Thomas, for his hard work and accomplishment. Hank turned around and made his way through the crowd, and towards the door. He was amazed, but couldn't show it, well or just didn't want to. He headed home, focused on one thing, making his own machine, a weapon...

TO BE CONTINUED

#2 Posted by primepower53 (5591 posts) - - Show Bio

Kind of confused who Thomas is. Is it Hank's alias?

Overall it's great, but I'd suggest beefing up the content. Add more descriptions and dialogue. Build up suspense as the shrinking happens. How does it feel to shrink? What's going on around them? What are others saying?

Just a few things to keep in mind.

#3 Posted by TheCannon (19468 posts) - - Show Bio

Very good. Added to the library.

#4 Posted by darth_brendroid (1692 posts) - - Show Bio

It's interesting to read; I think I agree with primepower though that more detail could help with suspense. I'm particularly interested in whether the micro-prison will feature prominently in the future, haha. Also liked brief prologue with reference to Jan.

#5 Posted by DickGrayson (330 posts) - - Show Bio

@primepower53: @darth_brendroid: Thanks, and no it isn't an alias it's a scientist, Maybe I have to re-read, because I thought the setting was that Hank was in the audience, and Thomas Drake was on stage, two different people. If it was, I may have included stating it, if that's what you mean by adding more detail.

@TheCannon: Cool, thanks.

#6 Posted by batkevin74 (11215 posts) - - Show Bio

@DickGrayson: No real problems with this, just a tad short is all.