#1 Edited by Army2442 (1938 posts) - - Show Bio

Asgard 1500

The mighty Thor, God of Thunder, crashes through the heavy wooden door of Odin's throne room to confront his mischievous and deadly Loki. With a loud crash he bashes is down and shouts "Stop thy fiendish games Loki!"

. "You don't know the truth, all this power and secrets upon secrets" said Loki,

Thor enraged by his latest trickery refuted "This isn't your power to wield Loki".

Suddenly Thor unleashed a savage lightning bolt on Loki who was caught unprepared and hit directly with bolt almost knocking him out.

"You have bested me yet again, I surrender"said Loki,

"You have tricked me for the last time Loki" said Thor as he moved in and repeatedly beat him into the ground. Punch after punch hit Loki as gasped for mercy from the enraged thunder god.

Odin awoke from his sleep to see Thor beating on Loki to within an inch of his life and said "Enough!" and he stopped the fight.

"I demand to know why you have continued this savagery after Loki surrendered?" said Odin,

"I want to put an end to his madness once for all!" , responded Thor.

"You will learn mercy and respect, I will banish you as well until you learn this, You will be learn how it is to long for mercy but never receive it".

With that both Thor and Loki were banished from the glory that is Asgard.

#2 Edited by xxYoungFatexx (99 posts) - - Show Bio

Good story, I made a red liner marking all the corrections I think are needed. The story was missing a few commas here and there, nothing big. Whoops, forgot I can't use red, one second, heh. The corrections, in my opinion are underlined.

The mighty Thor, God of Thunder, crashes through the heavy wooden door of Odin's throne room to confront his mischievous and deadly Loki.

With a loud crash he bashes is down and shouts, "Stop thy fiendish games Loki".

- Something is missing here. Not only that, a comma needs to be after shouts.

"You don't know the truth, all this power and secrets upon secrets," said Loki, Thor enraged by his latest trickery refuted, "This isn't your power to wield Loki". Suddenly, Thor unleashed a savage lightning bolt on Loki who was caught unprepared, was hit directly with a bolt almost knocking him out. "You have bested me yet again, I surrender," said Loki,

- Some space here between each person talking will make it easier to read.

"You have tricked me for the last time, Loki." said Thor, moving in and repeatedly beat him into the ground. Punch after punch, Loki gasped for mercy from the enraged thunder god.

Odin awoke from his sleep to see Thor beating on Loki, to within an inch of his life. "Enough!" he shouted, stopping the fight. "I demand to know why you have continued this savagery after Loki surrendered," said Odin, "I want to put an end to his madness once for all!" responded Thor. "You will learn mercy and respect, I will banish you as well until you learn this, and you will be learning how it is to long for mercy but never receive it". With that, both Thor and Loki were banished from the glory that is Asgard.

- I am not sure about the ‘were banished part’, it sounds good, but it still is a passive voice. However, the main thing is not repeating the both.

#3 Posted by Army2442 (1938 posts) - - Show Bio

@xxYoungFatexx:Thanks for the grammar checks and advice.

#4 Posted by YourNeighborhoodComicGeek (20465 posts) - - Show Bio

@Army2442: It's a bit short, but I like it.

#5 Posted by wildvine (10429 posts) - - Show Bio

i'm confused. Why did Loki return alone?

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#6 Posted by Army2442 (1938 posts) - - Show Bio

@wildvine said:

i'm confused. Why did Loki return alone?

He didn't Loki was still banished, this takes place at the same time as part 1 from Thor's perspective.

#7 Posted by 4donkeyjohnson (1735 posts) - - Show Bio

???? Having just read part 1, part 2 doesn't make much sense, it is like a new story. Reading the above comments I can see what you were trying to do but for me, it did not come across like that, I felt like I'd missed a chapter somewhere. @Army2442

#8 Posted by Rusty_Irons (627 posts) - - Show Bio

@wildvine said:

i'm confused. Why did Loki return alone?

@4donkeyjohnson said:

???? Having just read part 1, part 2 doesn't make much sense, it is like a new story. Reading the above comments I can see what you were trying to do but for me, it did not come across like that, I felt like I'd missed a chapter somewhere. @Army2442

My thoughts too.