#1 Posted by TheCannon (19462 posts) - - Show Bio

Marvel Re-imagined Origins: Captain America #1

INT. US Army Base

It’s January, 1943. Steven Rogers it training with James Buchanan Barnes, AKA Bucky.

Steven is blocking all of Bucky’s punches, with Bucky blocking all of Steven’s. They continue to block each other’s attacks, until Steven is able to take him down after he gets Bucky in an armbar.

STEVEN ROGERS:

Good job Bucky. You’re improving.

BUCKY:

I know, and that’s great. But I hate being cooped up in here. I want an actual mission.

STEVEN:

I understand. But be patient. We’ll get something soon.

Then, General Michael Sooth enters.

BUCKY:

What do you know? You were right Steve. What do you have for us Sooth?

GENERAL SOOTH:

That’s General Sooth. I have something for you that could change the face of the war.

STEVEN:

What is it general?

GENERAL SOOTH:

HYDRA. I have a tip that they have some sort of super weapon that could prove to defeat us.

BUCKY:

What do we do? Find it and destroy it?

GENERAL SOOTH:

No. I want the two of you to pose as US traitors and join HYDRA. Discover what it is. Report back.

STEVEN:

As you say.

INT. 8 hours later.

Steve and Bucky are on a plane to Germany.

PILOT:

We’re almost there. Once you get there, you two can drop out. Radio once you need me to pick you two up.

BUCKY:

Steve, you’ve been quiet the entire ride. Are you okay?

STEVE:

I’m fine. I’m just thinking about what happens if we fail. They might be able to win the war.

BUCKY:

That’s not gonna happen. We’ll win.

PILOT:

We’re in the landing zone. Drop down, and you can begin.

Bucky and Steve drop down, and end up just outside a battlefield.

STEVE:

Bucky, remember, we have to get HYDRA to trust us. So, we’ll have to do something that goes against everything we stand for. We have to betray our allies.

BUCKY:

I’m ready.

Steve takes out a grenade, and throws it at a group of US soldiers. Bucky fights off other soldiers, until HYDRA Agents finish them off.

HYDRA AGENT:

Well done. But you don’t look like you’re from HYDRA or anyone in the Axis. What are you doing?

STEVE:

Simple. We want to be teamed with the future winners of the war.

HYDRA AGENT:

Bring him to Red Skull. He will make the final decision.

They later bring him to HYDRA’s main headquarters to see Red Skull.

HYDRA AGENT:

Sir, these two claim they want to join HYDRA.

RED SKULL:

Let them. They could be useful.

INT. Lunchroom. One week later.

Steve and Bucky are sitting down for lunch at the HYDRA base. Then, they are confronted by HYDRA Agents.

HYDRA AGENT 1:

So, Americans got to join HYDRA.

STEVE:

Yeah? So what?

HYADRA AGENT 2:

So you’re not one of us.

STEVE:

Look, the Red Skull trusts us. We’re in. It doesn’t matter what you think.

HYADRA AGENT:

Won’t matter what Skull thinks if you’re to injured to fight in battle.

The HYDRA Agent takes out a knife and goes to attack Steve with it. Steve grabs a tray and blocks the knife with it. When another agent comes and tries to attack him, he grabs another tray and hits him over the head with the tray. He continues to use the tray to block attacks and use it as a weapon.

Then, Red Skull comes in.

RED SKULL:

Stop this mindless fighting. The rest of you, go back to your normal activities. Rogers, come with me.

The begin to walk down the hallway.

STEVE:

So, Skull, where are we going?

RED SKULL:

To change the face of the war.

Bucky is following them in the air vents.

They walk up to a machine at the end.

RED SKULL:

I was impressed with your skills in the lunchroom. That is why you will be the first super soldier that the Axis has.

Then, Skull takes out a gun and shoots Bucky in the air vents. This causes him to fall out and land on the floor. He then shoots Steve in the shoulder.

RED SKULL:

I knew you both were secretly working for the US. You are terrible liars.

While he is talking, HYDRA Agents hook Steve up to the machine.

RED SKULL:

But, you should be happy. You will now be the man that changes the face of the war. You will be the first super soldier.

STEVE:

I will never take orders from you!

RED SKULL:

You will. Begin!

Syringes begin to go into Steve’s arms, and the back of his head, both inserting something into him. He begins to scream in pain.

After 3 minutes, Steve is let out.

RED SKULL:

Now, we will test your skills. If you prove to be successful, we will make an army. We injected you with a serum that makes you obey me, along with the super soldier serum, Rogers. Now, you will be the first Captain Nazi!

To be continued...

#2 Posted by darth_brendroid (1692 posts) - - Show Bio

It's interesting, if a little fast-paced. That's not a bad thing and I understand the desire to get into the action quickly, but I think perhaps a scene in the middle of that week time-skip may have been good just to show the seeds of distrust a little earlier. Most of the dialogue's also well-done, with maybe a couple of off instances. Otherwise it's fine for the format, but like I said fast-paced.

#3 Posted by TheCannon (19462 posts) - - Show Bio

@darth_brendroid said:

It's interesting, if a little fast-paced. That's not a bad thing and I understand the desire to get into the action quickly, but I think perhaps a scene in the middle of that week time-skip may have been good just to show the seeds of distrust a little earlier. Most of the dialogue's also well-done, with maybe a couple of off instances. Otherwise it's fine for the format, but like I said fast-paced.

Thank you for the comment. And it is kind of fast paced. That's something I'll have to work on.

#4 Posted by TheCannon (19462 posts) - - Show Bio

Anyone else?

#5 Posted by batkevin74 (11215 posts) - - Show Bio

@TheCannon said:

HYADRA AGENT 2:

So you’re not one of us.

Typo! Other than that I'm with Red Skull, not buying their betrayal. Nice twist with the idea of turning Cap into the weapon that'll change the war.

#6 Posted by TheCannon (19462 posts) - - Show Bio

Thanks.

#7 Posted by TheCannon (19462 posts) - - Show Bio

Anyone else?

?

#8 Posted by kamrenamir (212 posts) - - Show Bio

Ohh, Interesting, I like it. Didn't see it coming.

4 thumbs up!

#9 Posted by TheCannon (19462 posts) - - Show Bio

@kamrenamir said:

Ohh, Interesting, I like it. Didn't see it coming.

4 thumbs up!

Thanks.

#10 Posted by The Poet (8170 posts) - - Show Bio

cool

Moderator
#11 Posted by TheCannon (19462 posts) - - Show Bio

Thanks. Can there be any improvement, or is it good as it is? I want to make sure issue two is as good or better.

#12 Posted by TheCannon (19462 posts) - - Show Bio

Thanks.

#13 Edited by Rusty_Irons (627 posts) - - Show Bio

I did not like how quickly Red Skull seemed to trust Cap america. I think it would have read better if he acted a little suspicious of the new american recruits. fun story otherwise.

#14 Posted by TheCannon (19462 posts) - - Show Bio

@tmacximas said:

I did not like how quickly Red Skull seemed to trust Cap america. I think it would have read better if he acted a little suspicious of the new american recruits. fun story otherwise.

Thank you for the criticism, and the comment at the end.

#15 Posted by GR2Blackout (2564 posts) - - Show Bio

Not bad, not bad

#16 Posted by TheCannon (19462 posts) - - Show Bio

@GR2Blackout said:

Not bad, not bad

I always get nervous when someone says that, but thanks.

#17 Posted by wildvine (10371 posts) - - Show Bio

A good start. : )

Moderator
#18 Posted by TheCannon (19462 posts) - - Show Bio

@wildvine said:

A good start. : )

Thank you.

#19 Posted by 4donkeyjohnson (1722 posts) - - Show Bio

As I have said before, let's see this as a STORY not a script. Honestly I haven't read further than the opening two lines BECAUSE it is in script form. Write it in a story and then yes I shall read it, until then...

#20 Posted by TheCannon (19462 posts) - - Show Bio

@4donkeyjohnson Why comment if you didn't even read it?

#21 Posted by 4donkeyjohnson (1722 posts) - - Show Bio

Why ask for suggestions and criticism and feedback and not take it?

#22 Posted by TheCannon (19462 posts) - - Show Bio

@4donkeyjohnson said:

Why ask for suggestions and criticism and feedback and not take it?

Because I ask how it is. Not whether the format is good or not.

#23 Posted by 4donkeyjohnson (1722 posts) - - Show Bio

Format is part of the problem! Anyways I have read over your story. "Because I ask how it is. Not whether the format is good or not" How it is...? I am not trying to hurt or attack you; I did not like this, mainly due to it being in script form. Presentation is part of it. Would you buy an X-Men comic that was pulled out of a trashcan? Regardless write however you wish, I am just a person.

#24 Posted by TheCannon (19462 posts) - - Show Bio

@4donkeyjohnson said:

Format is part of the problem!

But it has nothing to do with the issue itself. I ask whether it is good or not. I did not ask if people like the format or not.

#25 Posted by 4donkeyjohnson (1722 posts) - - Show Bio

It's not good BECAUSE OF THE FORMATTING! Your characters have no emotions, facial expression just lines. It's like reading a play. In the case of a play you need actors to bring it to life; in fiction you need to express, explain, create the world...is Captain America angry at any point during this script of yours? If so I couldn't tell because all he had was dialog. I mentioned this on your Brave & The Bold (which could be a lot better if it was a story) and I shall say it again here: try WRITING A STORY! I believe you can. The idea, the dialog are all there but you seem to be...well lazy and just scripting it. Regardless write however you like, watch your spelling and if you want feedback, be prepared because not everything is "LOL/Nice/Great Job!"

#26 Posted by TheCannon (19462 posts) - - Show Bio

Bump.

#27 Posted by marvelfanboy (509 posts) - - Show Bio

@TheCannon: Awesome, keep it up.

#28 Posted by TheCannon (19462 posts) - - Show Bio

@marvelfanboy said:

@TheCannon: Awesome, keep it up.

Thanks.

#29 Posted by primepower53 (5591 posts) - - Show Bio

@4donkeyjohnson said:

It's not good BECAUSE OF THE FORMATTING! Your characters have no emotions, facial expression just lines. It's like reading a play. In the case of a play you need actors to bring it to life; in fiction you need to express, explain, create the world...is Captain America angry at any point during this script of yours? If so I couldn't tell because all he had was dialog. I mentioned this on your Brave & The Bold (which could be a lot better if it was a story) and I shall say it again here: try WRITING A STORY! I believe you can. The idea, the dialog are all there but you seem to be...well lazy and just scripting it. Regardless write however you like, watch your spelling and if you want feedback, be prepared because not everything is "LOL/Nice/Great Job!"

this.

Good overall plot, but I'd like to see it in story format.

#30 Posted by RedRobinTimDrake (145 posts) - - Show Bio

It was good... But yeah I would like o see this in story form as well. It would bring more Detail.

#31 Posted by GR2Blackout (2564 posts) - - Show Bio

Seeing this in story form would be cool...

#32 Posted by wildvine (10371 posts) - - Show Bio
Moderator
#33 Posted by Mediumflyer7 (282 posts) - - Show Bio

I do like the plot but I agree with a few of the other comments. Story format is more enjoyable to read.