Posted by wildvine (8405 posts) - - Show Bio

Continued from Marvel Nexus: Spider-Rogue Continues in Cosmic Cross Over Event #3

Big Game Hunting. Pt 1

12 years ago....

The mall is crowded and noisy, and there were many places Priscilla Parker would rather be. But this was Anna's first Christmas with them, and Anna wanted to meet Santa Clause.

"Hello little girl." Santa burped a little. He smelled funny and his eyes were red like he was tired. In reality he was more than a little hung over. Anna was suspicious. "What's your name sweetie?"

"Santa would know my name." She retorted, folding her tiny arms across her chest.

"Right. Sure I do...Uh." He looks to the lady standing in line frantically mouthing 'Anna'. "Of course I know you Anna. Just um, testing." He added lamely. He hated smart kids. What happened to the days when kids just believed in Santa? "So what do you want for Christmas Ana?"

"I want a rhino for Christmas." She replied without hesitation.

"A what?" He couldn't help but laugh, despite his headache. "What would you do with a rhino?"

"I would ride it and yell--"

Present

"Wheeeeeee!!" Spider-Rogue yelled, as she gripped the horn on the Rhinonaut's helmet. "This is just as fun as ah thought it would be--Whoa, no hands on a first date." She flips backward off the huge brute as he groped blindly over his head with one massive hand, and tugged at the webbing glued to his face with the other.

"When I, -snort- "Get my hands on you I'm gonna-"

"Verbally illustrate an act of violence? Cause I get a lot of those." She chuckled.

"RRRAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH." The Rhinonaut roared as he charged like an angry train at Spider-Rogue, who barely leaped over the speeding monster. He kept going and ran though a desk like it was racing tape. Then he plowed through the concrete wall and out onto the street.

'Gotta wrap this up before someone gets hurt. Like me.' Anna thought grimly to herself. And it would be so easy to end this fight. All she had to do was remove a glove. Just touch this powerhouse and borrow his strength. But no. Not like that. Not again. She would finish this her own way.

* * *

"Hey chuckles, looking for me?" Spider-Rogue dropped from the ceiling behind the Rhinonaut. "Gotta a new game for you. Its called tag, and you're... it!!" She drives her fist into the Rhinonauts face, throwing everything she has into the punch.

CRAAAAACK!!!

'Oh jeeze. I think I just broke my freaking arm. What is this guy made of?'

The Rhinonaut grabbed the front of her costume, and balled it up in one fist. "How about baseball instead?"

'Oh... freak.'

Rhinonaut turned and tossed her over shoulder like she was a baseball. She just had time to throw her arms out over her head as she crashed though an eighth story window across the street, then through the ceiling, barely losing momentum.

'No time to aim this.' She thought desperately.

She tried to throw out web lines but her right hand didn't work right. One web line stuck to an A/C unit, but her momentum keeps propelling her upward at an angle, so that she swung over the edge of the roof.

She just managed to get her feet under her, before she smacked into the building like a bug on a wind shield. Her left arm screamed in protest at the sudden strain.

"Okay. No more miss nice hero." Spider-Rogue muttered to herself as she let the web line go and shot a fresh one at the next building over. Forcing her broken fingers to work, the middle two at least, she quickly swung herself back towards the bank.

* * *

"I say we give tag another try." Spider-Rogue yelled as she landed on Rhinonauts back, and pulled the glove off her injured hand with her teeth. Grabbing his arm she immediately felt his power flowing into her body. Spider-Rogue leaped off his back as he slammed himself backward against a wall.

"Arrragh!!! Crush you like a bug." Rhinonaut brings a massive fist down at Spider-Rogues head, but she caught with startling ease.

"Not tonight. Tonight you're the bug. Tag." This time the punch lifted the Rhinonaut off his feet and back through the wall. "Unlimited powah." Spider-Rogue yelled, drunk on the strenght within her, as she rained punches on the Rhinonaut with a berserker fury.

"Good. This will be an interesting hunt after all." Victor Kraven grinned from the shadows, as he watched Spider-Rogue's display of brutality with approval.

#1 Posted by RazzaTazz (9479 posts) - - Show Bio
@wildvine: Good stuff, I like the level of detail, enough to know what is going on, not too much to slow down the action
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#2 Posted by jack16ichigo (453 posts) - - Show Bio

I really like how you tied in a childhood story into it with the crappy hungover Santa,it flowed well back into the present and added to to the characters depth :) and I liked to the sorta trial and error approach to fighting Rhinonaut seemed really like how Spidey would fight :)

#3 Posted by Referee (6622 posts) - - Show Bio

I don't know if you going to like this review but I give it (6 out 10). The writing in terms of imagery was just spot on. I especially enjoyed the part about removing her glove with her teeth. But the biggest down side was, It wasn't original. I'm not talking about Rhinonaut, or the first paragraph, which I loved, the problem was the rest was just a fight. A descriptive fight but still just a fight anyone could write, Wheres that Wildvine originality?

#4 Posted by Joygirl (18724 posts) - - Show Bio

@wildvine:

- Barley is a type of grain.

- MORE COMMAS. This was missing like... 30 commas. You have to really pay attention, find the pauses in your mind when you read the text and put appropriate stops where they have to be.

Besides those (and a few small typos/errors, and general need to keep practicin') this was very good. Again, I enjoyed the characterization and the dialogue quite a lot, and this also had very comprehensive action scenes which is something to be proud of. I enjoyed the story overall, but from a critiquer's viewpoint it has a few flaws. Keep practicing!

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#5 Posted by batkevin74 (10423 posts) - - Show Bio

@wildvine said:

Ten years ago....

The mall is crowded and noisy and there were many places Priscilla Parker would rather be. But this was Anna's first Christmas with them and Anna wanted to meet Santa Claus.

"Hello little girl." Santa burped a little. He smelled funny and his eyes were red like he was tired. He was more than a little hung over. Anna was suspicious.

"What's your name sweetie?"

"Santa would know my name." She retorted, folding her tiny arms across her chest.

"Right. Sure I do...Uh." He looks to the lady standing in line frantically mouthing 'Anna'. "Of course I know you…Anna. Just, um, testing." He added lamely. He hated smart kids. What happened to the days when kids just believed? "So, what do you want for Christmas?"

"I want a rhino for Christmas!" She replied without hesitation.

"A what?" He couldn't help but laugh, despite his headache. "What would you do with a rhino?"

"I would ride it and yell--"

Present

"Wheeeeeee!!" Spider-Rogue yelled, as she gripped the horn atop the Rhinonaut’s head, "This is just as fun as ah thought it would be…whoa, no hands on a first date!" She flipped backward off the brute as he reaches blindly over his head with one arm and pulls at the webbing glued to his face with the other.

"When I, -snort- get my hands on you I'm gonna…"

"Verbally illustrate an act of violence? Cause I get a lot of those."

"RRRAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH." The Rhinonaut roared as he charged at Spider-Rogue, who barely leaped over the hulking brute. He kept going though, ran though a desk like it was racing tape. Then he plowed through a concrete wall into the street.

'Gotta wrap this up before someone gets hurt. Like me.' Anna thought grimly to herself. And it would be so easy to end this fight. All she had to do was remove a glove. Just touch this powerhouse and borrow his strength. But no…not like that. Not again. She would finish this her own way.

* * *

"Hey chuckles, looking for me?" Spider-Rogue drops from the ceiling behind the Rhinonaut. "Gotta a new game for you. Its called tag, and you're... it!!" She drives her fist into the Rhinonaut’s face, throwing everything she has into the punch.

CRAAAAACK!!!

'Oh jeez. I think I just broke my freaking arm! What is this guy made of?'

Rhinonaut grabs the front of her costume in on fist. "How about baseball instead?"

'Oh...freak.'

Rhinonaut throws Spider-Rogue like she was a baseball. She barely has time to throw her arms over her head as she crashes though an eighth story window, then through the ceiling, barely losing momentum. Spider-Rogue tries to throw out web lines but her right hand isn't working right. One web line catches sticks to an A/C unit but her momentum keeps propelling her forward so that she swings over the edge of the roof. She manages to get her feet under her before she smacked into the building side like a bug on a wind shield. Her left arm screams in protest at the strain.

"Okay. No more miss nice hero." Spider-Rogue mutters as she lets the web line go and shoots a fresh one at the next building over. Willing her broken fingers to work, the middle two at least, she swings back toward the bank.

* * *

"I say we give tag another try." Spider-Rogue yelled as she landed on Rhinonauts back and pulls the glove off her injured hand with her teeth. Touching his arm she immediately feels the power flowing into her body. Spider-Rogue leaped off his back as he slammed backward into a wall.

"Arrragh!!! Crush you like a bug." Rhinonaut brings a massive fist down at Spider-Rogues head, but she caught it with startling ease.

"Not tonight. Tonight you're the bug. Tag." This time the punch lifts the Rhinonaut off his feet and through the wall with a crash. "Unlimited powah." Spider-Rogue yelled, drunk on the power within her, raining blows on the Rhinonaut with a beserker fury.

"Good. This will be an interesting hunt after all." Victor Kraven grinned from the shadows as he watched Spider-Rogues display of brutality with approval.

Pretty good, the stuff in bold is errors I corrected for you. I do like the Rhinonaut

#6 Posted by lykopis (10756 posts) - - Show Bio

Yay, the second part!

I enjoyed it -- others above me have outlined the reasons why.

:)

#7 Posted by batkevin74 (10423 posts) - - Show Bio

@wildvine: Is this what Rhinonaut looks like :)

#8 Posted by andrewtheking (960 posts) - - Show Bio

sorry i didn't read this before , good work :)

#9 Posted by Pyrogram (35143 posts) - - Show Bio

I should have really read these ages ago >_< Sorry!

Again like the first. Good, Preferred Part 1 though. But this was a nice read :)

This even had the 10 years ago..I now see how Kevin got confused with this and mine xD

#10 Posted by batkevin74 (10423 posts) - - Show Bio

Bumped

#11 Edited by ImpurestCheese (4654 posts) - - Show Bio
#12 Posted by wildvine (8405 posts) - - Show Bio
#13 Posted by 4donkeyjohnson (1630 posts) - - Show Bio

@wildvine: Bumped, as hopefully there is more?

#14 Posted by wildvine (8405 posts) - - Show Bio
#15 Posted by 4donkeyjohnson (1630 posts) - - Show Bio
#16 Posted by cbishop (7159 posts) - - Show Bio

This was great. No real reference to the Cross Over thing though. No lingering problems from killing that guy?

#17 Posted by batkevin74 (10423 posts) - - Show Bio

@cbishop: You mean the CCOE, it happens briefly after this. Hang on..."From the shadows Victor Kraven couldn’t believe his eyes. Spider-Rogue had briefly disappeared from her pummelling of Rhinonaut only to reappear like she’d just been put through a blender. He watched as the young heroine shakily swung off. A cruel smile rippled across his lips"

So CCOE3 happens in the spilt seconds between the end of this and the start of 3. :)

#18 Edited by cbishop (7159 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: Gotcha...I understand where the CCOE falls in the continuity, but what I'm saying is she doesn't seem to show any signs of being affected by having killed the guy. Unless...was the reference to not wanting to use her Rogue-touch a refernce to the Cross Over?

#19 Posted by wildvine (8405 posts) - - Show Bio

@cbishop said:

@batkevin74: Gotcha...I understand where the CCOE falls in the continuity, but what I'm saying is she doesn't seem to show any signs of being affected by having killed the guy. Unless...was the reference to not wanting to use her Rogue-touch a refernce to the Cross Over?

This is before CCOE. In chapter 3 you will get her reactions to the events of CCOE.

The reference to the Rogue touch (I'm keeping that) is to something in her past that hasn't been revealed yet.

#20 Edited by cbishop (7159 posts) - - Show Bio

@wildvine: Okay, cool. I thought that's where the reference was going, but wasn't sure after batkev' answered.

#21 Posted by batkevin74 (10423 posts) - - Show Bio

Bumped as 3 is coming

#22 Posted by wildvine (8405 posts) - - Show Bio

Bumped as 3 is coming

Darn. I'm locked in now. Lol.

#23 Posted by batkevin74 (10423 posts) - - Show Bio

@wildvine: Well you said so...so yes, yes you are!

#24 Posted by ImpurestCheese (4654 posts) - - Show Bio

I want a Rhino for Imbolc. :-P

#25 Edited by wildvine (8405 posts) - - Show Bio
#26 Posted by ImpurestCheese (4654 posts) - - Show Bio

@wildvine: Boo. Two days to Imbolc and an excuse to run sky clad around my garden. Not this year I won't sticking to bringing in flowers and some incense.

#27 Posted by wildvine (8405 posts) - - Show Bio

1) Its almost your Christmas?

2) You celebrate it by running around your garden naked?

#28 Posted by ImpurestCheese (4654 posts) - - Show Bio

@wildvine: Not Christmas, Imbolc is a quarter cross holiday that celebrates the end of winter and the beginning of spring by cleansing home and body. In addition it's a good time to ask Hecate and Brighid for advice. I have two paths intersecting my garden so I can complete the ritual on my own property. A lot of wiccan rituals happen in the nude.

#29 Posted by batkevin74 (10423 posts) - - Show Bio

Bumped