Rated M, all characters owned by Marvel
Continuity wise this takes place around here: http://www.comicvine.com/forums/fan-fic-8/marvel-mayhem-astonishing-x-men-2-1463487/#12
Wakandan Savings & Loans, New York
“Really?” moaned Spider-Man as he hung upside down from a web strand “Didn’t 1973 call and ask for their flares back?”
“SPIDER-MAN!” screamed Hypno-Hustler as he skidded to a halt outside the bank.
“I mean come on! Look at you! I’m embarrassed for you! And look at me, I’m a grown man in a onesie!” teased Spider-Man as he thwipped off a glob of webbing sticking Hypo-Hustler’s foot to the pavement.
“I’ll kill you man!” yelled the Hypno-Hustler as he dropped the bags of money and unstrapped his purple guitar from his back. Spider-Man dropped to the ground and snatched the guitar away.
“I’ve always wanted to do this” said Spider-Man as he swung the guitar in a circle and smashed it into the sidewalk, splintering it “So what did you think of my Clash impression?”
Hypno-Hustler stood there, jaw almost at his feet, stunned.
“The Clash? London Calling? You’re from the land that time forgot and you don’t know what I’m talking about!” Spider-Man shook his head and folded his arms in faux disappointment “Kids today!”
“Grahhhh!” Hypno-Hustler lunged at Spider-Man who stepped back and watched the disco themed villain fall flat on his face. Spider-Man coated him in a blanket of webbing.
“Now according to the card, you go to jail. Go directly to jail and do not collect two hundred dollars. Do you understand me?”
A litany of muffled profanity came from the webbed mass on the sidewalk.
“I’ll take that as a…” Spider-Man glanced up at the clock “Yikes! Love to stay and riff but some of us have lives!”
And with a thwip, Spider-Man was off, slinging his way across the city.
“YOU’RE FIRED!” yelled J. Jonah Jameson as Peter Parker entered the office of the editor in chief of the Daily Bugle. Peter looked at the old man, shrugged, turned and walked out.
“WHERE ARE YOU GOING?”
“You just fired me!” said Peter “I’m going home!”
“GET BACK HERE!”
“Make your mind up” muttered Peter as he headed back into the office.
“WHY CAN’T WE GET ANY PICTURES OF THIS SCOURGE?” Jonah hurled a copy of the Daily Globe at Peter, who deftly caught it causing Jonah’s eyebrows to raise.
“Nobody knows who it is.” said Peter as he skim read the article.
“WELL, FIND OUT!”
“I’m a photographer, not a journalist” smiled Peter “Speaking of which, payment f…”
“The Latverian embassy ball”
“TERRIBLE! COULDN’T USE A SINGLE ONE!”
Peter flashed back memories of his seventeen year old self, who cowered before Mr Jameson and believed the outright lies he told to his face. Peter pulled the copy of yesterdays Bugle from his pocket and tossed it on the desk.
“Front page and with my name” Peter smiled.
“Fine, pay me and I’ll then head down to the Globe and sell them…”
“NOW HOLD ON! YOU’RE STILL UNDER CONTRACT!”
“Not if you fire me!” retorted Peter.
Jonah stroked his moustache and stared the young man right in the eyes. -Where’d that frail little bag of straw go?- wondered Jonah as he pressed his intercom button “BRANT!”
“Yes Mr Jameson” came the voice from the intercom.
“PAY PARKER ON HIS WAY OUT!”
“Yes Mr Jameson”
Peter extended his hand “Thank you J…”
“GET OUT!” roared Jonah turning away to gaze out his window.
Empire State Building
Spider-Man sat on the flag pole looking down on the city he loved and sighed a deep sigh, his shoulders slumping to match his thoughts.
-I should just call her…sure why not, that’s what separated people do…don’t they? Separated…That’s just adult speak for you’re dumped! Just hop a plane to LA…then you’re needy…and then you’ll fight the Thunderbolts…spider sense tingling-
Spider-Man looked around; trying to pinpoint what was causing his extra sense to flare up. Up in the sky he saw what looked to be a large metallic ball hurtling towards the centre of New York.
“That doesn’t look good” Spider-Man said but still his senses screamed “But you’re not what my AHHHH!”
With milliseconds to spare, Spider-Man twisted and the potentially fatal bullet grazed his shoulder causing him to leap off the pole. He fired a web line to the flagpole and swung around as a series of shots whizzed past him.
-Only I could get shot at three hundred feet in the air!-
Spider-Man spotted a figure on a rooftop pointing a metallic arm at him and another series of shots whizzed past him. Spider-Man flipped, twisted and spun as he swung towards the man who kept firing, finally landing on the building edge in front of him.
“Please tell me you’re not the new, grittier version of Stilt Man?” asked Spider-Man “Hang on, Stilt Man has stilts, you’ve got a whoa!” He ducked as a burst of bullets tried to cut him in half “Machine gun for an arm!”
Spider-Man entangled the gun in a web line and pulled it down to the ground, bullets chewing into the concrete floor.
“Vous mourrez home d’araignee!” yelled the would-be assassin.
“My French is limited to the eight minutes I’ve spent hanging with Gambit” laughed Spider-Man easily dodging the punch “Let’s see; wee! Merci! Polly vous François! Tre bien!”
“Stop ruining my language!”
“That almost sounded like English!” Spider-Man punched the weapon arm “Yowtch!”
“Blended carbonadium” he sneered as Spider-Man shook his slightly bruised hand “You’ll find Rapido is no mere…”
“Your names Rapido! Bwhahahahahahahahaha!” Spider-Man flipped away “No seriously! But you’re French? Several wannabe Mexican speedsters are just fuming that YOU, stole that name!”
“They warned me about your chatting” Rapido fired a burst breaking the webbing holding his weapon down.
“And who, pray tell, are they?” Spider-Man asked as he tumbled.
The city shook like a bomb had gone off! The building shook at the force of the impact in the centre of New York.
“Okay tell me you heard that?” asked Spider-Man as he easily dodged another blow whilst looking in the direction of the explosion.
Rapido nodded and cocked his gun “It will be the second last thing you’ll ever hear!”
BRAATATATATATATATATATATATATAT! Bullets ripped across the roof, Spider-Man leapt away, his spider sense keeping him a fraction of a heartbeat away from certain death each twist and turn “That has got to be up there with THE WORST death threat I’ve ever heard and I’ve fought Kraven the Hunter!”
“SHUT UP!” BRAATATATATATATATATATATATATAT!
“See not much better. How many more bullets does that thing have? Because honestly when you run out, I’m going to knock you out and go see what the hell happened! My guess is the Kingpin fell off his chair!”
Rapido looked at his arm and then back at Spider-Man, who walked up and thumped him right in the stomach, dropping him to the ground “Told you! Now before we got so rudely interrupted by my city exploding, you were saying they? I’ll wait till you’ve got your breath …back…ooo my spidey sense is,” Spider-Man leapt into the air as a series of small explosions went off around him “Missed me! Missed me! Now you…what is that smell?”
“Ether, chloroform, weaponised LSD” Spider-Man flipped around to see Jack O’Lantern hovering above him, beside him the Hobgoblin.
“Oh no, the loser squadron!” shrieked Spider-Man in fake terror “Whatever will I do?”
“Let’s just kill him now!” growled Jack O’Lantern.
“Patience” eased Hobgoblin “Let the chemicals do their work”
“I’m going to get Thor!” declared Spider-Man groggily firing off an errant webline into the air, wobbling on his feet “Whoa, that’s not…”
“See!” laughed Hobgoblin “Any time Herman”
A man in a brown and yellow quilted costume strode across the roof, arms pointed at the wobbly hero, the metal gauntlets on his wrists hummed.
“Ahh Quilt Man!” yelled Spider-Man tripping over his own feet as the Shocker fired a concussive blast knocking him into unconsciousness.
“I still say kill him!” declared Jack O’Lantern.
The Shocker raised his hand towards Jack “You muck up my payday Jack, and I’ll blow your brains out of your pumpkin skull!”
Jack raised his hands “Hey we’re cool! No sweat”
“Pick him up and let’s go!” said the Shocker “I think I see the X-Men”
Mary Jane kissed Felicia deeply before turning to Gwen and giving her the eye “Well tigress, you want to hit my jackpot?”
Spider-Man awoke with a jolt, shaking his head “Anyone get the number of that idiot with the pumpkin full of drugs? Bueller? Hello?”
He looked down to see he was restrained on some sort of pulley system, move left hand and right hand got tighter, same with his feet.
“Using my own strength against me, clever. Cleverer than all those idiots who got me here. Okay who’s the old man behind the curtain?”
Spider-Man tried in vain to break free but only succeeded in hurting himself. Looking around the room it appeared to be some sort of lab.
“Curt? This looks like something you’d do. Maybe even Otto or Morbius or Norman!” yelled Spider-Man “If this is you Osborn, I swear…”
“I am not that moron!” the voice rumbled from behind sending Peter’s spider sense into overdrive. He arched his back trying to break free but to no avail. Slowly a hulking figure came into view.
“And I am not that gamma irradiated cretin!” growled the big man “I am Calvin Zabo”
“Are you a Marx brother?”
A massive palm slapped Spider-Man across the stomach, taking the wind out of him.
“I am Mr Hyde!”
“W-w-well!” coughed Spider-Man as he convulsed in pain “You let me go, I’ll count to twenty and I’ll be Mr Seek”
The hand came down again “You are quite annoying!”
“I-I-ve been told that” gasped Spider-Man “So is this the part…where, sorry I think I vomited in my mask…where you reveal you’re elaborate plan”
“Do you think I am stupid?” asked Mr Hyde.
“Do you want me to be honest?”
The hand came down again, Spider-Man screamed, Mr Hyde laughed.
“Are you familiar with the Russian scientist Ivan Pavlov?”
“Did…did he invent the Pavlova?”
The hand came down again.
“No. No he did not” replied Mr Hyde “He performed a series of experiments on dogs called Pavlovian or Classical conditioning. It is a form of learning in which the conditioned stimulus comes to signal the occurrence of a second stimulus. He would ring a bell, the dog would salivate”
“I already said I spit up into my mask!”
The hand came down again, Spider-Man screamed.
“I will teach you Spider-Man, like a dog, until you learn” said Mr Hyde “Either you will learn or…” The hand came down again “Or you will experience pain! Dogs learn quickly. Chimpanzees can learn using this method with three times of getting it wrong. Something tells me…”
“I-I’m a dogpanzee?”
The hand came down again.
“No, I fear you may be an idiot!” replied Mr Hyde “Or stubborn or both. No matter. This is a side experiment”
The hand came down again. Spider-Man convulsed in pain.
“I am going to harvest your blood” said Mr Hyde as he crossed the room towards a table full of medical equipment and picked up a bone saw and a large horse-sized syringe. On the other side of the glass Rapido, Shocker, Hobgoblin and Jack O’Lantern received sizeable wads of cash from a man in a yellow suit and helmet.
To be continued......