Marvel Mayhem: Jester’s 11 Christmas Special – Issue #1 (of 2)
All characters are owned by Marvel Comics
The Jester: - Christmas Fool
8-Ball: - Special Shot
Diamondback: - Star Shine
Overrider: - Tracking Santa
Oriole: - Turkey Dinner
Klaw: - Slay Bells Ring
Dreadknight: - Knight for Delight
Hooded Haunt: - You’d Better Witch Out
Tuatara: - Cold Blooded
Speed Demon: - Free Wheeling
Don of the Dead: - Adios Amigos
The Jester looked around glumly at the people around the circular table before banging his head on the table. As usual the others left him to it; they had their own problems to deal with. At last the Jester stopped and cleared his voice, “Ladies and Gentlemen, it has been a hard year and so I know we all look forward to the holidays but I have dire news. Every religion, faith and commercial holiday mascot has us on the ‘naughty list’, something about blowing up buildings, killing people and that thing Diamondback did in Denver.”
“Will you stop going on about that.” Diamondback spat. “So we’re not on the god’s good list, what does that matter it doesn’t stop us buying each other gifts.”
“Wrong.” The Jester spat before blowing a puff of glitter at her, the dust staining her face a luminous pink. “Besides we have more urgent more earthly concerns to deal with. That jerk Tony Stark bought all the toys in the city so he and his ‘pet’ New Warriors can distribute them to needy children.”
“That’s nice.” Speed Demon announced from the wheelchair at the end of the table. “I guess it makes up for all the smut he spreads through the rest of the year.”
”No it doesn’t.” The Jester replied sneakily, “I wanted those toys to create a robot army.”
“Robot Army?” The Don of the Dead asked, “Why not just hire a dozen professionals.”
“Who hired the new guy?” Dreadknight asked as Overrider poked the mouths in his palms before sighing loudly.
“We’re kind of dating.” The Hooded Haunt mumbled as she pulled her hood down over her eyes.
“Back to the important matter at hand my festive friends.” The Jester said, mirth returning to his voice. “I have a plan that will help us save Christmas…for us and no one else.”
“I can’t believe Stark asked us to do this.” Prodigy hissed as he watched the last few stragglers file into the Stark Tower Atrium, the Santa Suit’s massive bulk enhanced by his armour. Next to him Goliath tried to avoid the lime light albeit due to the ridiculous elf costume he was forced to wear. Stark even had some fat kid who smelled like mayonnaise called Eugene in on the act dressed as a tubby reindeer.
“When are we finished?” Goliath asked as a red haired woman dressed in an evening gown pushed a wheelchair bound man to the front of the queue, the occupant holding onto what looked like a two year old child on his lap.
“Not soon enough.” Prodigy snorted as he took a deep breath. “Ho ho hang on a minute do I know you sir?” He asked as the kid slipped off his ‘fathers’ lab and waddled up to Santa.
“No Mr Claus.” Speed Demon lied as Santa’s eyes narrowed. “But my kid Leon has been really good this year, learnt to read and everything.”
“Hmm.” Goliath growled under his breath. “Wait you’re that guy who got bisected back in April. Well well looks like Speed Demon got some wheels. Guess what ‘Whizzer’ the kids of super villains don’t get any toys.”
“Told you they were jerks.” Speed Demon told his ‘wife’ before releasing the smoke dischargers connected to his wheel chair. “Party Time.” He added as Goliath grew to try and escape the smoke only to see a pink blur slam into him before feeling a pair of pin pricks stab into his ears. Reaching up to feel his now bleeding face he felt something roll into his mouth before his entire body was racked by an explosion and he collapsed to the floor.
“Looks like you’ve been more then naughty.” Prodigy snarled as he punched Speed Demon in the face just as the smoke cleared. As soon as it did the gathered children started crying as they saw Saint Nick viciously beat up a man in a wheelchair while a giant elf lay unconscious and bleeding behind them. “Don’t worry kids.” Speed Demon chocked as Prodigy wrapped him in a headlock. “I got this.” He reassured them as he punched back, a hundred blows raining down on ‘Santa’ in the space of a few seconds, the sight causing the kids to cry harder.
“This is pathetic.” The woman in the gown sighed as she walked over to where Diamondback and 8-Ball were sitting on Goliath. “Hey kids beat it.” She hissed as her dress transformed into bone armour and a massive scythe appeared in her hand.
“Run it’s the Grim Reaper and the Lethal Legion.” Someone yelled.
“But what about Santa.” A kid cried as Speed Demon landed a knock out blow on Prodigy.
“Call Code Blue or the New Warrior Avengers.” A third screamed as Eugene stepped forward fists balled. “This looks like a job for Frog M…ow.” Before he could finish 8-Ball whacked him round of the back on the head with his pool cue. “Sleep it off tubby.” He stated before Speed Demon wheeled himself to the base of the stage. “Audio Visual Team, Grinch Team this is Trouble Team atrium cleared, it’s up to you guys.” He announced as his ‘son’ dissipated into waves of sound. “Overrider lock the atrium down, we don’t need any visits from the police today.”
Oriole landed on the balcony of Stark’s rooftop penthouse before stabbing three steel repelling cables into the edge. Giving them a strong tug he stood back as Tuatara and the Don of the Dead effortlessly repelled up with a somewhat slower Overrider following about a minute later.
“Okay so Stark has set up a molecular disintegration field coded to his DNA.” Overrider huffed. “Its manual operated from a button on the far side, problem is anything that isn’t Tony Stark gets blasted and we need to get to the other side.”
“Looks like it’s my time to shine.” Oriole said puffing out his chest before stroking Tuatara on the cheek. “Ain’t no problem the ‘Unkillable Man’ can’t handle baby.” He added striding down the corridor before being shredded by a field of lasers. “I’m okay.” He groaned from the position on the floor as his body begun to reattach itself. “Man alive that hurts.” He added as he walked forward a few steps before being shredded again.
“We are going to be here for a while.” The Don of the Dead sighed as the three villains sat down on the floor, “Anyone for Strip Go Fish?” He asked as Overrider pulled a cherry pie from his bag.
“You like gambling?” He asked, “I bet that I can eat this whole pie without using my mouth.”
“A grand says you fail.” Tuatara stated, “You want in on this Antonio Banderas?” She asked.
“Why not?” The Don sighed, “It’s not like he can succeed.” He added.
“You guys are in for a treat.” Overrider told them, a massive smile stretched across his face.
“So with a little cooperation I believe that the damage from super-human attacks can be limited with proper training. That’s why I am setting up the Initiative; a top level facility to train the next generation of heroes to use their powers effectively and safely.” Tony Stark stated as he stood in front of the Lincoln Memorial in Washington DC. “Too many lives are lost from irresponsible super human attacks. People like Clark Wayne who was killed in the Breakworld landing or Bruce Kent who was burned alive by Firebrand in Seattle not to mention a long list of innocent bystanders from all around the world. I say never again.”
The crowd gathered to see him burst into applause and as it died down a single sarcastic clap could be heard as the Jester pushed his way to the front. “Tony Stark ladies and gentlemen, the man who causes more damage then anyone this side of the Hulk. A man with vision. What you don’t realise is this. That vision is evil; I have found proof of his evil ways. Hit it Klaw.”
“I thought I was here to fight Iron Man not be your audio-visual assistant.” Klaw muttered as he soared over the crowd and inserted a USB key into the presentation computer. After a few seconds the image of a skinny ‘Iron Man; clad in homemade plastic armour appeared on screen.
“Pepper cancel my appointments.” Iron Man growled, “I have many evil plans of evil to concoct starting with my most sinister plan of sinisterness involving all the toys in New York City.” The figure said as it got up and hovered in place, held by a set of very visible wires. “Instead of handing out toys I’m going to give the kids sugar flavoured lumps of sugar that will give them fillings and diabetes not covered by their insurance. Does Evil Laugh oh wait Mahahaha. And once I’ve done that I will worm into every computer in the world and subject everyone to hours of LOL cats.”
“Wow I’ve never seen anything so fake.” Tony Stark gasped in surprise. “I should call security to deal with you but I figure I can take you without my armour.”
“You villain.” The Jester cried, “You would beat a defenceless man in public.”
“Clownface is right.” A man in the crowd yelled, “Iron Man is picking on him.”
“Maybe the clown is right about him.” A woman cried as Tony Stark backed away from the cowering Jester.
“That video was right. Iron Man is a jerk.” A second man yelled, the cry taken up by the majority of the crowd.
“If I’m the bad guy then what is ‘Clownface’ going to do about it?” Tony Stark asked the Jester.
“Oh crud I didn’t think this would work.” The Jester swore, “Wait all the toys will be delivered to a gathering in Central Park by my faithful helpers. What do you say about that Ebenezer Stark?” He asked before turning to see Tony Stark turn round and slam his fist into his face, the blow knocking out a set of false teeth that latched onto the billionaire’s hand and cackled menacingly. “I guess that’s a no.” He babbled before falling to the stage.